Thursday, February 12, 2015

Post estrangement – Reclaiming and Re-affirming My Good Character.

February 11th 
14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge:   Day 11 

Estrangement causes harm on many levels.  The one we most often focus on is the feeling of abandonment, of being rejected, of not being good enough or of insufficient value to warrant working things out.  Naturally this is devastating all on its own.  Then there are all the areas associated with grieving and loss that consume us day in and day out. 

However, there is an even uglier side to estrangement that gets alluded to but is rarely faced and talked about.   The estrangers tell lies and twisted negatively distorted half-truths in order to justify their actions. 

These lies ruin reputations, careers, and countless other relationships as they get whispered and spread behind our backs.  Evil gossip packs its own terrorist attack on our self-esteem. 

Details are not necessary to fathom the depth of the destruction caused by malicious slander to our reputations. 

Every parent that has been estranged has stories of the names they have been called, the hurtful, mean-spirited untruths that have been spread by these offspring in their attempt to justify their actions.  I am pretty sure they do this because on some level they know they are in the wrong and they don’t want to be called on the wrongfulness of their actions so they create stories which wraps them in the protective cocoon of victim hood.  

They victimize us and then claim to the world that they are the victims.  And they do this with lies and slander and with the premeditated intent to cause us harm.

And we the parent allow this.  Why?  Because we don’t want to harm our children by suing them! Instead we protect their reputation at the expense of our own!  We hide, and hang our heads in silence and shame while they walk around proud of not only their actions, but of the fact that they were able to get away with it by the simple expedient of telling some whopping lies!

And culpability also falls upon those who believe the lies!  

Those who stand by and accept the lies as truth without seeking to know the other side, are just as guilty of perpetuating the situation.  

All those who “chose to side with the estranging adult children” are in fact part of the problem!  They encourage these estrangers to continue with their hurtful evil acts because in believing the falsehoods and not questioning the stories, they make it possible for the estrangers to not face up to their own guilt. 

There are also a whole group of our peers (other parents) out there that are equally guilty by their non-action.  Every time someone says or implies by their actions, “well you must have done something wrong”  they are actually enabling the lies to continue.  In accepting the lies of the deceivers, controllers and manipulators as truth they continue to allow them to "get away" with the spreading of lies.

I have started speaking out.  I refuse to be silenced by the lies.  But sometimes I feel like a lone voice calling out in the darkness.  There is still so much hidden in the world of parents being alienated and estranged by their adult children.  So many well raised children that hide behind lies about the reality of their childhood.  And of course it is always the parents fault, right?

Never ever would an egotistical, self-centered, selfish or narcissistic adult child lie or play the victim to garner sympathy!   All those estranging adult children must be speaking the truth and all those victimized parents must have done something grievously wrong.   It is this falsehood that allows people to go on believing that it could never happen to them.

It is so much easier to blame the parents in all cases of estrangement for being at fault rather than admitting “there but for the grace of the Divine go I”.   Over and over again a newly estranged parent comes to a support group and says “I never thought this could happen to me!”

Truth be told, in the olden days of ignorance, I too would never have believed that anything like this could happen to me.   And yet it did!   And today I want to say to all parents everywhere don't believe the lies told by these estranging adult children.  And remember always at the drop of a difference of opinion, “It could happen to you!”  

And to all the estranged parents that walk the solitary grieving path with me, I say, “Hold your head high!  Spread the light of truth.  Don’t let the evil of lies and gossip win!

My self-appreciation gift today is a celebration of my good character.

  • I will contemplate and enumerate all the good and wonderful things that I did as a parent.
  • I will contemplate the fine qualities that I possess and that I bring to the world and to all those that I interact with.
  • I will write lists of these qualities so that when I have moments of doubt I can re-read them! I will write out how I see these thoughts and ideas shaping my life.

I will celebrate today with a personal spa experience, a candle lit bath in fragrant waters with soothing music.  And as I relax I will meditate on “the wonderfulness of me”

I will contemplate on those qualities I would like to project to the world more consciously (kindness, loyalty, empathy, gratitude, thoughtfulness etc).  I will connect with my spiritual self to the Divine of the universe and allow that connection to enhance in me.  I will envision those qualities extending from the Divine, through me and enveloping me in an aura of all the goodness I want to project, all those qualities I which I wish to project to the world and the people I meet.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2015 - 02 - 11 

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1 comment:

  1. This tells my own personal story as well. I am just beginning to enter the stage of self appreciation. One thing that was not mentioned in this story is how the alienated parent is not the only victim. When the adult child chooses to walk away without an explanation, they also take their children (your grandchildren) with them and use them as pawns. These innocent children are being mentally and emotionally abused by their parent(s). They are being lied to about where G'ma/G'pa went and why they can't spend time with them anymore. Someday, the grandchildren will find that their Grandparent(s) left them a box of letters and cards and learn that they never stopped loving or thinking of them. They will learn the truth that their parent(s) hid from them.Can you see this cycle perpetuating a new generation of alienators? I can.