Post Estrangement: How Do I Transform My Anger?

I have spent a lot of time with anger, what it is / should be and what it should not be but often is.

Anger should be a "warning bell" that clangs "something is wrong here, look for what is wrong".

Instead too often we see anger as a tool to cause a retaliation action, as in you hurt me so now I am going to hurt you back!

I had a horrible relationship with anger.  It stemmed from the false core belief that I was taught that anger is bad, you must suppress it, and you must hide it, because only bad people get angry.  I turned that anger inside on myself, telling myself over and over again that I was not good enough because when people hurt me I got angry ….so therefore there must be something bad / wrong with me. 

It has taken me a long hard journey to come to realize that anger itself is not bad.  It is what we do with that anger that can very often be very bad / harmful / cruel and mean.

I have come to believe that most of the mean actions of the world are caused by anger being used to lash out rather than investigate.

When we feel anger it is simply a knock on the door of our consciousness that something is not right.  Usually we are fearful, or hurt, or dismissed or feel pushed away and that makes us feel anger.  Our first response is to want to retaliate, to lash out, to strike back, to make the other person hurt in response to the hurt we received.

But anger all by itself, when you don’t go into retaliation mode, serves only to inform us that something has gone wrong.  Something we hoped for did not happen, or something we did not want to happen did happen.  When I set the anger aside, I can look at the deeper emotion.  For me most often that deeper emotion is hurt.  And then bewilderment, why did that person think it was okay to hurt me.  And finally only recently I have been able to look at their hurting of me was their angry retaliation of their hurting.  They were unable to see their anger as a warning sign that they were hurt or afraid and so they went right to retaliation mode. 

The most insecure people I have come to realize are the fastest to retaliate from a place of anger, because they do not want to do the work of looking deep inside to what caused the anger.  Sure sometime they name it, but mostly it is named in a statement of blame.  “They did this to me, it is their fault”.  

The more secure I become in my inner awareness that I deserve to be treated kindly, the more I can step back from people who try to harm me from their own place of anger.  I recognize that when I explore or expose a truth they do not wish to hear, their response will be anger.  If I call out bad behaviour, the doers of mean things don’t want to be called out on their choice of bad behaviour, so they respond with anger.  They are quite adept at deflecting their anger outward because to look inward requires looking at the inner darkness, the inner negativity, and the false core beliefs around of what good behaviour actually is. 

As I look at what causes me to be angry and compare that with what causes others to be angry I start to realize that I have a different relationship toward anger than many others.

• I get angry when I see injustice, whereas many get angry when they don’t get their way. 
• I get angry when I see harm being done to others whereas many get angry when they don’t get away with doing harmful things to others. 
• My anger stems from a desire for a loving and caring relationship.  Many others get angry when they are prevented from having control over others.

And then I realize that having power over others, getting what they want from others, having their own way is about insecurity.  If you feel really threatened and insecure then you have to “fight” to keep your position of power over others to create a sense of security.

If you are secure in yourself, you don’t need to control others, which more often than not means you don’t feel the need to retaliate.  You can see, the anger as a response, and then make a choice to engage, or to walk away whichever suits the situation best.  When anger leads to choice then you own your anger on a different level, your anger does not explode out of you from a place of volatility but rather is can be transformed in a choice of action.  If that choice of action can lead to a de-escalation of heightened emotions then you really are in control of your anger rather than the other way around.

I don’t think I am anywhere near finished with the concept of anger.  I will continue to struggle with how anger emerges in me in response to the actions and words of others.  I will continue to struggle with the idea that I am bad when I feel anger, and struggle to transform that feeling into “no it is okay to feel anger as long as I don’t stop there”.  I know I have to work with the anger and uncover what it has to teach me, about myself as well as about the other. 

However the one good thing I have accomplished in my study of anger is to realize that I no longer need to suppress my anger.  Anger actually is now my friend, a friend who is telling me “this is not okay”.  I need to listen to my friend and dig deep and inquire with humility and honesty, “what is my friend trying to teach me?”  

Yes it was easier when I could just yell "you make me so angry with the way you treat me" when I could say "it is all your fault".  This convoluted path I have been traveling as I heal has taught me otherwise.  It has been most humbling but I am a better person for having done this work and for being aware that I have more work yet to do, my personal journey to being a better listener. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 07 – 23 

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Post Estrangement: Confronting the Dysfunction of Neglect

One of the traits in our family history is we don’t communicate about feelings.  We use words to judge, to criticize, to attack, to demand.  This creates a kind of neglect that is mostly invisible.  

Our emotions are a core essence of who we are, and when others fail to recognize this we actually feel ignored as that aspect of us in neglected. Similarly when we ignore how another person feels and judge them only on their actions, we also ignore an essential part of who they are. 

In dysfunction, there seems to be no time taken to entertain the concept that when we ignore how our words make another person feel we are neglecting an essential part of them, and at the same time when we don't acknowledge our own feelings we neglect an essential part of ourselves. 

We learn from an early age that we are not wanted for who we are but only for what we can do for others. We learn from the messages they send, that what is going on in other people’s lives is more important to them than what is going on in our emotional lives.  We learn that what we feel is unimportant and that we are not really wanted, we are an inconvenience. 

This message starts with the first “not right now I am busy”…which implies that what I am busy with is more important than you!!  If the parent thinks very highly of themselves, thinks that their needs come first, then the child by default learns the message I am less important, I am not lovable.  That is emotional neglect.  It is not intentional, it does not come from a conscious part of the brain…it is a learned family dysfunction and in our family it goes back all the generations that I know our family history!  

Each generation is then left to figure out; how do I get what I need in the away of attention? How do I get to feel less neglected / more loved?  

Those of us, who take the people pleaser route, figure that if we can do enough for others we will be included; we won’t be left out / neglected.  We figure if we can pay a high enough cost in doing for others, taking on emotional labour etc. we will be able to buy what we need.  Others decide that the way to get the attention they need is through telling / commanding others how they must comply.  They will demand and control others to get what they need.  

Neither is healthy.  Neither is a real solution. 

The real solution is a total change from the foundation up as to what inclusive, non-neglectful communication looks like.  

What does it look like to acknowledge another person’s needs and at the same time express the challenges or the barriers in that moment from meeting those needs?  

How much effort does it take to say “I see you need to talk and I want to talk to you, but I have to finish this first”.  

Or what challenge does it cause within us to put the “this” aside and sit with the present moment of need?  

Aren’t relationships more important that the “task at hand”? 

What about if the task at hand is a self-indulgent one?  What if the message the child gets is don’t bother me now “I am reading”, “I am watching a TV show”, “I am playing a game”, “I am talking to a friend on the phone?”  What message does the child get?  “I am less important than a book, a movie, a game, another person”.

What about subliminal messages that are sent out that you are of less value in comparison to something or someone else?  Those messages that say "I get my needs met by doing this and it does not matter that how it makes you feel."  How does that destroy the integrity of connection or relationship; of feeling valued or cherished?  How does that destroy love? 

If all those other things are important and I am not; therefore I must be not enough.  How sad to grow up with and to live with that inner seed of inadequacy!  And yet that is exactly what the children in our family have been growing up with for generations.   

When people use a “me” centered focus, then they are sending a very clear message, my task, my enjoyment, my other commitments are more important than your emotions, your needs!  

The clear, (maybe unintentional) message you receive into your psyche when you hear a “not now” is; “your need is less important than MY needs”.  Or, love is scarce, I don't have enough love to love myself and love you too.

The foundation of change lies in the perception of what is important.  The perception that emotions come before tasks. That needs for love, for connection, for understanding, for being heard are more important than “getting this done first”.  But how does one learn this if one has never experienced this?  How does one teach the next generation that which one has never experienced? 

That is the huge question and I believe that this is the question that is at the root of most family dysfunction.  How does one change when one does not even know that change is a necessary option?  How does one change when it is so much easier to point the finger and say “they are the problem” not taking a moment to look at oneself in the mirror and say “how am I contributing to this problem?” 

Fundamental questions we mostly fail to ask are:

•  “What false core belief do I carry about relationships that cause me to lash out in anger at another for expressing their feelings or their needs?”

• “Why do I attack people when they point out that I have hurt them?  Why is my instinctive response to push them away?”

•  “Why do I play the victim and make it all about “ME” when I don’t like how I feel in response to a statement that makes me feel guilty or neglectful?"

•  “Why do I judge people without first ascertaining what they are feeling or what emotional needs they have?” And why do I judge them based on “my” feelings rather than asking for their feelings or asking for more facts or details?

• “Why don’t I ask the important questions like “what are you feeling?” or “why did my saying that hurt your feelings?” or “how can we work on this together to resolve it?”

•  “Why is it easier to make assumptions that the other person did or said something mean on purpose instead of asking them what emotional place they are in that precipitated the action or words?”

• “Why is it easier to base judgments on other people’s opinions than asking for details about the emotional state of those we say we care about?”

These responses all stem from the same source, the feeling of neglect, that emptiness inside that screams “I need filling at all costs and it does not matter who gets hurt in the process as long as I don’t feel the pain of being neglected. 

However, to answer all those questions we need to step outside the painful feelings of neglect, we need to be able to see with self-compassion that inner hurt child that is screaming for attention.  We need to show that inner child the care they did not receive and bring a new way of relating compassionately with self-first; and then from that safe place, we can bring compassion to our relationships with others.

Until we can, with compassion, face our neglected inner child, we can’t fix relationships that are skewed because of the residual effect of the trauma of childhood neglect.  Until we fix this relationship with ourselves we can’t with compassion ask ourselves to face the difficult questions of why we behave the way we do, even when we know (on some level) that our actions hurt others.  It is then that we can understand that the problems are not solved by telling the other person how to change but in bringing a changed self to the relationship.

Of course it requires one further step, one more very difficult accepting step; that even when we change, and we bring a new awareness and a different perspective to our relationships, we are only one part of the equation.  Even in family dysfunction you can’t change other members of the family! You can only change you!  Every other member of a dysfunctional family has to heal and come to their own conclusions in their own time.  And for some that time may be never!  That itself is a hard reality to accept.  Sometimes we just have to accept that they will always be thoughtless when it comes to handing out neglect. 

They don’t even see that they are handing out neglect.  They simply are too deeply enmeshed in their own need to not feel neglected that their unconscious choices don’t even register as being perceived by the other person as diminishing or neglectful.  

These are the people that say with clear and determined conviction “I did nothing wrong”, or “I have nothing I need to apologize for” or even laying blame on others with the innocuous; “you are too sensitive”.  These are all statements that exemplify that they totally believe they are in the right, because they 100% believe in their own truth. They do not see that in neglecting your feelings they are diminishing your worth.  They are simply looking out for #1 and your feelings get in the way!

So, now you know you can’t change others, you can’t force others to learn what you have learned.  How do you deal with this kind of generational dysfunction?  

Number one criterion is looking at what you have to do from a self-care perspective.  Once you recognize in yourself that you are dealing with dysfunction, it is important that you not return to old patterns of behaviour.  After all those patterns did not work in the past to create a place of mental well-being for you, so don’t fool yourself into thinking they can be made to work now!  If you do you will just continue to perpetuate the anguish that you feel inside. Only this time it will be even worse...because you will be aware that you have accepted the lie that you are indeed worth LESS. 

However, the true reward of recognizing patterns is that it allows you to set boundaries.  And boundaries allow you to start to feel safe.  Maybe for the first time ever in your life you feel the safety of being heard, even if the only person who hears you is "self"!  

This awareness gives you the authority to no longer have to freeze in discomfort, trying to hide what you are feeling in response to what you are experiencing.  You do not have to stay and resignedly accept what you now recognize as disrespect for your feelings.  Instead you learn that you have options and choices.  The first being to acknowledge the truth of your feelings.  Just that is so liberating!  

When I think this thought "I have a right to my feelings" I suddenly find that the constriction around my ribs relaxes and I can breathe! 

From this place of safety we are offered the opportunity to face the fight or flight choice. The options that were denied us when we became frozen in acceptance and inaction because we felt we did not deserve anything better because we falsely believed we were the problem. 

You can choose to fight!  You can try to get the others to see the dysfunction, or you can retaliate with more hurt.  Or you can choose to flee, distance yourself from those who perpetuate this neglectful, hurtful behaviour upon you.  

Neither choice is optimal.  

Neither leads to a happy ever after.  

What I do know is that fighting is exhausting, it is like hitting your head on a brick wall and wondering why your head hurts.  

I also know that distancing is painful.  We are creatures of belonging and connectedness.  When our connections are discovered to be the source of our discomfort it still is difficult to create enough distance to feel safe.  

Boundaries tell us that we have the right to our feelings and that we have the right to say when we are hurt.  They however do not help us deal with the pain of rejection we feel when others tell us that NO they will not respect our boundaries.  

Knowing that we have a right to boundaries does not help us deal with the pain of being told that our feelings don’t matter to them!  (another rejection, another diminishing of our needs, another neglect). 

I have come to believe that the person who starts to recognize family dysfunction, who begins to change, to take up boundary work, who starts to change what they will allow to be done to them, who starts to say "no that is not acceptable";  is like a solitary figure in a barren landscape. There are no landmarks yet to guide the way.  The only sign post are related to compassion.  

The primary sign post must be Self-compassion.  Self-compassion says; “no one is allowed to make me feel bad and to get away with thinking that it is acceptable to do so”.  So much of standing up for oneself; starting to take care of our own needs, setting boundaries etc. results in those we are standing up to for the first time feeling themselves rejected for not being allowed to continue the emotionally abusive behaviour.  They retaliate with word arrows as they attempt to get us to go back to the old dysfunctional game rules.  If you have not built up a good healthy supply of self-compassion you will be destroyed right here on the doorstep to change.

But secondarily, beyond knowing we are disturbing the illusion of "everything was just fine until you had to start messing things up"; we must awaken compassion for those who are still stuck in the false core beliefs that it is okay to hurt others if it eases their own pain.   When they hurt us for daring to expose the wrongness of emotional neglect, they can get vicious with their words and their actions!  If we are not careful we can take up the battle cry and fight back.  It is important to know that fighting back, is not an option.  The only thing we can give them it the gift of time to learn and compassion for the struggles they must face in order to change themselves. 

Forgive them for they know not what they do, but don’t make yourself a martyr to their ignorance.  

Instead prepare for them a feast of acceptance should they ever awaken and begin to realize the significance of the journey you have taken toward healing.  Be ready to welcome them should they ever come to that place of understanding that they too have to make their own journey of transformation. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 07 – 16


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My Daily Reflection: Pondering Boundaries and Boundary Work

If you have never been exposed to the concept of personal boundaries it is hard to get an understanding of where you end and others begin.  This means that either you expect others to do too much for you or you think it is your responsibility to do too much for others.  Neither is emotionally healthy.

• If you do too much you enable the other person to do less for themselves, less growing, less healing, less personal development, less accountability for their actions.  
• If you expect others to do emotional labour for you, you inhibit your own growth because the satisfaction you get having others do for you means you never see the need for emotional independence. 

I believe most children are not taught emotional boundaries.  If they are lucky they are taught about physical boundaries; you don’t hit, you don’t take without permission, you don’t attack physically or sexually. 

But emotional boundaries are so tied up in what we feel about ourselves, our worth in relationship to others,  they are connected with our intrinsic value, our need to be loved and accepted that unless these things are explained to us we miss them.  Many of us integrate boundary-less behaviour patterns into our personality and don’t even realize we have done so. 

So what do boundaries feel like? 

• They feel like awareness of what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for. 
• Awareness that even when people expect something from you; you are not obligated to meet their expectations, you always have choice. 
• Boundaries allow you to know the difference between a request for assistance and an expectation of compliance. 
• Boundaries allow you to ascertain the difference between being caring and being used. 
• Boundaries let you see when emotional labour is balanced or imbalanced in a one way flow

I have been working on boundaries for quite a while now and always I find a new dimension to explore, new false core beliefs to be dismantled, behaviour patterns to be investigated or dismantled. That is why healing is such a long term project.  I keep coming up against things I never questioned, things that I just did out of habit, because that is how I was trained to be, probably unconsciously, by those who needed me to complete them. 

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it is not my job to complete others.  It is my job to complete myself.  When I am complete in my own right, and I allow others to be complete in their own right, then we complement each other, which is far healthier in relationship that being either the completor or the completed. 

A complementary relationship is a balance of giving and receiving.  A completing relationship is always out of balance because one person is always expected to be mostly on the giving end so that the other person can enjoy being on the receiving end.  Such relationships always end up with one person worn out and exhausted and depleted.  That is not emotionally healthy or sustainable and in the long run such relationships shatter when the giver is so depleted that they have to change for their own emotional wellbeing.

What does it take to develop boundaries, to have a healthy sense of where I end and you begin?

For me this is a work in progress.  I started with a statement of rights; things I feel strongly about how I deserve to be treated.  Yesterday I found this list that I have been pondering.  Some concepts I have already thought through.  Others I feel I was aware of but only peripherally.  It was good to sit with each one and ascertain the veracity within my life.

Concepts to be aware of during boundary work

It is okay to say no. 

Just because someone asks me for something or to do something I have a right to look at my schedule, my own needs and ascertain if I can or should take on more. I have a right to say no to requests that would deplete me either physically or mentally or emotionally or spiritually.  Giving is a gift given freely, it is a donation from the heart.   If I feel like I am being commanded or coerced into giving it is no longer a gift but a tax. 

- It is not my job to fix others. 

It is also futile.  I can’t force others to change.  I can only change myself.  The most that I can do is point out to them where they could turn for information to facilitate their own healing.  And if the only way I can “fix” the relationship with this person is by putting on my “fake persona” then I have to question is this really a healthy viable relationship?

It is okay if others get angry. 

Others get angry when I stop giving them want they want.  This is something that I have learned painfully the hard way.  But if the only reason I keep giving in, putting up with unacceptable behaviour from others is to prevent them from getting angry, then I am doing way to much emotional labour and they are doing way too little.  Note I am not talking about gross misconduct. 

If I have to regulate my behaviour to prevent them from experiencing frustration and acting out their anger then they are using me to continue doing what probably deep in their hearts on some level they know is in need of change.  They know they need to change their response to frustration but it is easier to demand that I act differently so that I stop them from having to experience any frustration.  That is exhausting work, to always anticipate what another person might find frustrating and then choke down on authenticity to preserve a relationship with someone who sees themselves as so fragile they need others to modify who they are just so that they can be not frustrated.  I am not responsible for what they do with their frustration or anger.  Every one of us faces situations that make us feel frustration.  That is life.  I do not go out of my way to create frustration for others, but I also will no longer not state what I feel so that someone else can avoid feeling frustrated.

It is not my job to take responsibility of other people’s behaviour

It is not on me to adjust my behaviour according to what they might do or feel.  For example; if I have a goal and go after my goal and I know that achieving my goal will cause another person to feel envious; it is not my responsibility to water down or turn away from my goal if that goal might create a situation where the other person might feel envious.  I am not responsible for their envy, they are. If they have a life set back that causes them upset, and their response is to turn to addictive behaviours it is not my responsibility, it is their choice. 

I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others

This one is challenging, it is natural to want to create joy for others and one of the ways we do that is anticipating what they need.  That is what makes giving gifts so pleasurable for us, we anticipate the joy we bring to those we care for. 

But this can be perverted when we find ourselves in relationship with people who need more than we are able to give.  It can be so subtle.  Example, the friend who needs you to call or text them all the time, who is always disappointed if you don’t do this often enough and then finds ways to let you know that you did not meet their need to be made to feel important.   How about the friend that needs you to agree with them at all costs.  You having your own opinion just makes them so angry.  Is it really your responsibility to anticipate their need for your compliance? 

It is always a good thing when working on boundaries to pause and consider affirmations.  Affirmation of truths about personal integrity, safe awareness of individuality. Knowing that you are you and you don’t have to change who you are simply for the comfort or convenience of others.  Here are some that I turn to:

• Nobody has to agree with me and no one has the right to tell me I have to agree with them.
• I have the right to my own feelings and opinions and no one has the right to tell me otherwise
• I do not have to sacrifice my wellbeing to elevate others and protect them from the consequences of their actions.
• It doesn’t matter what people think.  I have my values, my conscience, and I can do what I feel is right for me.
• I am enough.  I don’t have to do anything to earn “enoughness”.  My doing must come from the wellspring of already knowing that I am enough.
• I have the right to focus on my own wellbeing, my own dreams and my own happiness.  No one has the right to make me feel ashamed for taking responsibility for my self-care. 

Boundary work is so challenging.  If you have had poor or porous boundaries people are used to you completing them. When you start to work towards being complete within yourself and start seeking complementary relationships you find that those who got used to you being there to complete them are unhappy.

As you change, many of your relationships also change.  The users in your life become very apparent.  They become visible because they are very vocal about their outrage that you are no longer doing the emotional labour of completing them. 

It takes great emotional strength, (and if you are fortunate, a true friend at your side), to navigate the guilt tripping you will receive from those who do not like this stronger more independent boundaried you. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 - 07 - 05

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