Saturday, November 11, 2017

My Daily Reflection: Exploring the concept of Bypassing


Recently I have learned a new concept called Spiritual bypass. 

Definition: A spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing 
is a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices 
to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional 
issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished 
developmental tasks".

To me this means using something as a reason to avoid another something.


I think that avoidance tactics are one of those things that we tend to turn to in order to avoid something painful about ourselves that we don’t want to face.  Maybe that is why it is so easy for us humans to come up with excuses and rationalizations. 




One of the deciding factors in my healing journey was facing my propensity for saying “yes but”.   I would face something that I knew I needed to change about my thinking patterns or my behaviour patterns and then I would list all the reasons for not changing.  

Once I was aware that I was doing it I started to see it in others around me as well.  The most common turned to BUT is   “but it is so hard”.   Of course change is hard I want to shout, that is why it is called change.  Naturally this rationalization itself is not so simple. 

Difficult is the word that we turn to as a simple explanation for the fear that we fear will be revealed in the process of change. 



For example; without change we can blame our circumstances, other people, the actions of other people, the inactions of other people, our history and essentially all the many details that go into bringing us to this point in time with this problem that can only be resolved through change. 

However, when we do change we will have taken on responsibility for ourselves.  Then if we don’t like the outcome we have no one to blame but ourselves.  It is no longer about the others it is about us.  That is a huge amount of accountability to take on.  It makes us vulnerable while at the same time making us authentic.  This is a scary place to be.

So just as in Spiritual bypass I think we need to become aware of bypassing the changes we need to make, the avoidances that we allow to continue become a sort of “life bypass”, where we are using engagement in our life stories to bypass the changes of healing.

Under this kind of avoidance we can look at things like this: 
  • Where there is a propensity to focus on the mistakes of others there is the need to protect or preserve the ego from facing our own wrongful actions.  Is this where the refusal to apologize for comes from?  When only others do wrong, that means we do only right ergo, no need to apologize. 
  • What about the situation where one deflects away from a criticism by introducing a lining up of faults in the other person.  In this case there is an avoidance of having to take ownership for the wrongdoing that we committed that leads to a domino effect of other actions.   If we get far enough down the line of dominoes maybe everyone will forget the hurtful action that precipitated the cascade event in the first place.
  • What about when an error is pointed out, or an action is exposed as having caused harm and the first response  to this is the casting of a judgement upon the person calling attention to the fault?   In this case judging is used as an avoidance tactic for not having to take ownership of the error or harm causing action.

In all of these instances (and I am sure there are more of them that abound in our relationships) there is a bypassing happening.  There is this assumption that if we can deflect away from introspection we can just live life without having to face the difficulty of accountability.

I am sure some of us bypass introspection more than others.  Possibly also there might be some times in our lives when we do more bypassing than at others.  Maybe difficult times in our lives bring out a greater desire to bypass?

In observing people I have noticed people tend to bypass when an event makes them see something in themselves that they don’t want to see, or when on some level they understand that they need to face something that they don’t want to face.  

However I have also noticed that some people make a habit of bypassing.  I call this the “nothing is ever my fault syndrome” there is always someone or something or some event to blame.  

The finger is always pointing out and there is an avoidance of remembering that when the pointer points outward, there are three fingers pointing inward (middle, and ring and pinky).

I think that what I have become aware of is that there are two kinds of bypassing. 
  • In the first there is only harm to the self, in that avoiding deflects and side tracks personal emotional healing.
  • In the second there is the causing of harm to others because bypassing allows actions and inappropriate behaviours by the activation of a supply of plausible excuses or rationalizations.

Harming others through bypassing behaviour is something that I see quite often.  One very common use is name calling and put downs in response to anything that seems to harm their ego.  This is often seen in bullying behaviours.  When I have questioned such actions, I have received comments like; “this is my coping technique for dealing with my pain”.  

This leaves me to ponder;
  • Do people really believe that they can bypass their wrong doings and their hurtful actions by blaming that “their past made them do it?”
  • Do they really feel that they have the right to be mean because it is the “protective response to past injuries”
  • Do they feel entitled to bypass their own healing while at the same time expecting others to make allowances for them because they carry emotional wounds?

Considering that almost every human carries woundedness from their past this does not seem to be an especially appropriate kind of behaviour.  Because we were harmed or hurt in some way by our past does not give one licence to behave hurtfully in the present.  This is especially the case in our present day awareness that we; if we really wanted to, can change our ways by learning to deal with and heal our emotional wounds.

It is at times like this where my reflections on life leave me in a quandary. On the one hand I can see the results of such behaviours; I can see the hurting on both sides.  I can see the hurting of all the people who are all really trying to find relief from the pain of life.  I can even understand the motivation to protect by deflecting outward.  What I can’t understand is the kind of character that a person must have to live at peace with themselves knowing that they are hurting others to assuage their own pain.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 11 – 11



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Wednesday, November 1, 2017

My Daily Reflection: re-evaluating the nature of unconditional love


I am starting to re-evaluate the nature of unconditional love. 

I was taught that my receiving love was conditional upon my behaviour.  If I behaved according to their rules and their needs, and to their standard, then I earned the right to be loved but only until such time as I made a mistake…at which time love was withheld as punishment.  THE MESSAGE:  love is conditional upon you living up to what is expected of you.

I was taught that love has no conditions by the ones that enjoyed the power of hurting me with their words and their disapproval. THE MESSAGE:  I was not to point out their faults if I loved them.

I lived most of my life by these twisted set of rules about unconditional love.  These false messages severely hampered my ability to have honest relationships because I was always monitoring my reactions, my choice of responses and actions to accommodate being perceived as loving unconditionally.

These false set of messages have over time caused me great harm.  For sure ideally we should be able to love unconditionally, but only on the condition that the object of our love has no secret agenda of their own to extract or benefit from our unconditional love. As soon as there exists an agenda or conditions by one person in the relationship everything about that relationship in turn is twisted out of alignment.

How did this play out in my life?
When I was abused to the extent where I finally had to say “NO you can’t treat me like that!”; I was discarded for not loving unconditionally, which translated into accepting abuse without complaint.  When I developed boundaries which I enforced ...suddenly I was no longer loved. This message was delivered to me by the expediency of being “ghosted”. 

THE MESSAGE:  the ones who expected me to unconditionally love them; loved me only on the condition that I allowed them to continue their abuses.

What has this taught me? 
It has taught me that the term unconditional love has a twisted message.  THE MESSAGE:  unconditional love allows abuse to continue in this relationship because you have to love me even when I am cruel to you. However if you do not love my abuses then you are guilty of not loving me unconditionally. And you are therefore a bad person."

Unconditional love served up in this way is a no win situation for those of us who try to please others by making allowances for their bad behaviour.

I am starting to believe that unconditional love needs to be earned through respect and caring actions over a period of time.  Unconditional love can also become conditional in the face of abuse. 

For example I have the right to put distance between my physical body and the abuser to protect myself.  This condition allows me to still love the wounded person (one who feels entitled to the right to abuse me) for who they are; however, it is now clear to me that, I do not have to subject myself to their abuse.  This is a condition that keeps me safe.  In this instance my love is conditionally unconditional. 

People, who in the past have put conditions on their love for me, I am now learning to look at very differently.  I have learned to recognize that they exhibit controlling and manipulative behaviour.   THE MESSAGE:  I will only love you if; with a string of requirements and conditions added.  

Their condition for loving me is my capitulation to their wishes or demands.  They may want me to love them unconditionally and accept their abusive behaviour, but they have NOT EARNED my unconditional love. 

In conclusion I have decided that the term unconditional love; while having a very nice and soft and cozy feel good feeling; is an illusion that is perpetuated for the sake of keeping captive those souls who really want to please others and therefore constantly strive to be worthy of unconditional love.  While those who thrive on being loved even when they treat others abusively through acts of bullying or name calling or derision want to preserve the status quo by calling us bad or selfish or ungrateful when we decide that we deserve better than love based on the condition of  meeting their requirements.


Sometimes I now wonder if the illusion of unconditional love is what we search for when in reality it is only a gift we can give to ourselves when we discover that we deserve to be loved for who we are rather than what we do. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 11 – 01 



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Sunday, October 29, 2017

Reflection on the Healing Aspect of Solitude



Being away, alone, at one with nature, I call that solitude.  When I am solitary I don't miss anyone.  When I with people who don't get me, who hurt me, who trivialize what I am experiencing....that is when I feel lonely. That is when I run back and embrace solitude.





But one can’t always live life alone.  Therefore it is important to learn and understand the behaviours of others.  Not what they say….but how they behave!   It is their behaviour that tells us more about who. 

Sometime it is best to sit back and observe, to question:
-       How do they treat others?
-       How do they treat me?
-       How do they treat the environment? And how do they feel about those that abuse the environment?
-       How do they emphasize with the less fortunate and the less privileged?
-       How judgmental are they?  Do they come across as entitled or superior?
-       Do they embrace black and white thinking?  Especially where only they are right and everyone else is wrong.
-       Do they get pleasure out of other people’s misfortune?  Or even worse do they espouse that others deserve their misfortune because they are not good enough or somehow flawed?

These are just some of the things I look at when I observe and evaluate the behaviour of others.  I find it interesting that often the ones that say “look how good I am” actually behave the exact opposite.  How often have I been told “love is the answer” by those who hate everything or any one or any belief that is different from theirs?  More than I care to remember. 

I try to embrace these benighted souls with love and compassion, for that is where they are in their spiritual journey or their healing journey.  

But sometimes it gets to be too much and I need to escape once more to solitude. 







Sometimes solitude is where I go to experience the rawness of nature which reminds me of truth, of what really matters and it is when I am connected with myself that I find inner peace and contentment, not because everything is good, but because everything is as it needs to be in this moment.

Sometimes I find solitude in my work as a writer, where I face my own inner demons, agonize over what I am still learning about myself and how I have often sabotaged my own relationships with my desire for peace.  My desire for peace which has led me to ignore warning signs of emotional abuse and bad behaviours in others.  It was my desire for peace which allowed me to live for so long without any boundaries for self-protection.  It was my desire for peace that allowed me to deviate from who I really am in my attempts to please others.  This kind of solitude is very challenging, for I have to embrace the mistakes that I have made at the same time as I make changes in how I now present myself in relationships with others.  

Sometimes when I come out of solitary writing I am exhausted but left with a sense of freedom because I have once again addressed a nugget of truth that has kept me confined and imprisoned in unconscious behaviour patterns that kept me enslaved to the users and abusers. 

Sometimes when I come out of solitude I am invigorated sometimes I am distraught but always the reality comes back to face me, relationships require effort and work and not everyone is willing to put in the work necessary for healthy relationships. 

Then for a while I will attempt to reconnect with people, find my tribe, my belonging.  Until I begin to once again wonder, where are the likeminded souls?  Where are they hiding? Why are there so few of us? Or if there are more of us, why are we not seen or aware of each other?

And over time as my distress builds over finding so many who are content in their not knowing; not knowing how their words and actions harm others, not knowing that theirs is not the only point of view, not knowing that that others have feelings that matter also, not knowing that there is more than one way to attain spiritual awareness.  

Over time the wounds inflicted upon me by the insensitivity of others in their words or actions; forces me to once again embrace the peace of solitude.  

Solitude is my drug of choice.  It is where I can restore my balance and my equilibrium.  It is where I can find contentment and peace.  It is where I can recharge for another round of dealing with people in all their many insensitive behaviour patterns.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 – 10 – 28


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Monday, October 9, 2017

Reflections on giving advice



I was pondering today, that we are sometimes called upon to critique or give advice to a friend or family member, to point out where they have gone wrong or where they could do better.  What we have not been taught is how or with what intention to approach this delicate task.  All too often the advice or critique comes across as implying one of two things:
  • You are a bad person and you need to change to become acceptable.
  • You are not good enough and you need to change or I won’t love you.
When this happens we teach and / or reinforce the false notion that one earns love and acceptance through our actions.  We reinforce the false core belief of “you are not good enough unless ….”

I was reading recently that almost everyone grows up with false core beliefs around the area of being acceptable, good enough, and lovable.   This is the source from which all our dysfunctional behaviour patterns arise.   To compensate for this feeling of “not enough” patterns of behaviour emerge to try to ameliorate the pain of insufficiency.  There seems to be basically two paths.
  • The first path leads toward doormat / people pleasing behaviours.  Here the emotionally wounded person learns the pattern of pleasing others to try to gain acceptance and love.  They are basically screaming; “See me!  I am a good and kind and loving and generous person, I want to be loved, I need to be loved, SEE me and validate me and let me not feel this pain of not being good enough” 
  • The other path leads toward dominating and controlling behaviours.  Here the emotionally wounded person strives to elicit from others behaviours that allow them to feel superior, catered to, and having their needs met.   
And because these two opposing coping techniques are like Yin and Yang, unsuspectingly we two polar opposites are drawn to each other.  The givers attract the takers and the takers seek out the givers both do so in an effort to meet the emotional needs of feeling sufficient, feeling like they are enough and that they have value.

I am not even addressing the core of the issue or that basic fact that we should be loved and accepted for who we are not for what we give nor for what we expect to receive.  Emotionally healthy people live in this place.  People (most frequently the givers who have burned out) who have learned of these core lessons through emotional healing understand and strive to live in this place also; fighting the tides that would tug them back into old unsuccessful behavior patterns.

Most people don’t even realize that they fall into these two categories because so often in benign situations it seems to function and the glue of friendship seems to hold things together most of the time.

When this balance falls apart, as is the case when turbulence or trauma arrives, whole relationships can be shattered.   When the neediness cycle becomes very apparent and the takers try to take more and the givers are demanded to give more without any regard for the “emotional well” being empty, the bounds of friendship and even family are severely tested.

How much better it would be if we could learn in times of emotional calm, healthy ways of communicating our needs for love and acceptance and appreciation!  If we could learn what our false behaviour patterns (some people call them coping mechanisms) are and then work toward changing them so that we no longer cause harm.  If we could learn boundaries and learn to express those boundaries and hear those boundaries from others then there would be fewer tensions that are created by the overstepping of those boundaries with unkind behaviorus or comments.

One of the critical areas for learning is how we express criticism or give corrections.  This is especially critical when we are entrusted with the care of children.  But if we have not had the wisdom given us in our youth we need to learn first how to heal ourselves and then hopefully how to apply these lessons to our future communications.

Often I hear this comment (especially from the takers who have gotten used to their behaviour patterns getting what needs they have met); “this is how I cope and I don’t want to change”.    That is not conducive to building or repairing or reconnecting with others.  In fact when dealing with past codependents; this attitude will actually drive the newly recovered doormats away as they strive to build and maintain new healthier boundaries. 

In my experience talking with recovering doormat type people; when people pleasers burn out and learn boundaries, the takers in their lives get very anxious as they realize their source of “feel good” has dried up and is no longer available for exploitation.  The critique gets very cruel and the emphasis is on trying to coerce the people pleaser to go back to their old behaviour patterns and thus relieve the takers of the pain of changing their patterns (patterns that gave them so much success in the past).

From all of my studies and learning I have come to the understanding that it all comes down to communication.  Communication is the glue that brings us together in compassionate understanding and even in striving to become better people.  Refusal to communicate, or even harsh manipulative or controlling communication patterns on the other hand rupture the fabric of family, friendships and relationships.

This is the guideline that I have evolved in the course of my healing journey, something that helps me stay on track when giving advice (which I now only do when specifically asked for) and helps me try to understand those offering unsolicited advice, so that I can determine if my boundaries have been breached intentionally or inadvertently and gives me permission to respond in a boundary preserving manner.

  • When offering critique be aware of your intentions.  Are you asking the other person to change to become a better person, or are you asking the other person to change so you don’t have to change your pattern of behaviour.
  • When listening to critique from another person, ask yourself “What are their intentions?” Are they giving me loving advice to help me become a better person or are they implying that I am insufficient unless I comply and change myself to accommodate their needs?”
These questions have become very important for me as they are like a roadmap to help guide me along a path where I can remain emotionally safe from the bullies and abusers in my life, while at the same time keeping me relatively on track when I am in the position of critiquing or giving advice to others. 

Conscious awareness of behaviour patterns and communication techniques is critically important and I believe neither of these are well taught in our families, our schools or our societal structures.






Excellent sources that I have found very useful:
- Peter Gerlach and his work on “break the cycle”.  What a great online resource that had given me countless hours of healing work guidance.
- Marshal Rosenberg and his work with Non-Violent communication. Great youtube videos of his learning presentations are always a source of inspiration for me 

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 – 10 – 09


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Saturday, August 26, 2017

Post Estrangement - Learning to find my Voice


Speaking my truth has always been hard for me.  I tend to say what I think people want to hear so as not to cause disharmony.  The net effect is that I am left voiceless, unheard.  I still struggle with this.  One of the reasons I started writing, first in my journal, and later sharing with others in my reflections; was to practice voicing my truths in a format where I could not be interrupted. 

My experience in the past has been that when I did dare to express myself I was:

  • told I was wrong
  • told I was over reacting
  • told that I did not know what I was talking about
  • told what was wrong with me
  • told what I ought to do to fix me
  • given the "looks" that said I was boring
  • interrupted at the first opportunity so the other person could talk about themselves and their experiences
My healing journey has followed many convoluted pathways because surprisingly; "what we don't know can in deed harm us greatly".


My knowledge of people and understanding personality and character was extremely limited and flawed.  I had also been taught to ignore or distrust my "gut feelings", that what I felt was wrong.  I was taught to distrust my instincts.  All of this ended up with me being too trusting, and lacking effective boundaries, and thus putting up with things simply ‘because’, not for any good reason.

My healing journey has been about learning things I never had been taught and unlearning false things that I had been conditioned to believe.

I sometimes now speak my truth, to a very selected few that I sort of trust.  I say sort of trust, because my track record has taught me that when I speak my truth I get rejected.  I am not yet able to fully trust.  I hesitate to become vulnerable and so far I continue to hold in much more than I share.

Recently, in the aftermath of being excluded, I felt hurt.  I dared to be brave and asked, "why did you exclude me?"
In reply I was told it was my fault for not calling them enough.

Of course with all the healing work under my belt I should have said; "are you telling me that rather than calling me and including me you choose to blame me for not calling you often enough to suit your standard, as your reason for excluding me?  Do you realize this is typical manipulative behaviour?"

Instead I froze (my typical reaction to "danger" situations in relationships) as they went on to call me names (selfish and narcissistic), and even while I realized I was being projected upon, my throat closed and I was left speechless.

I did however on this occasion feel thankful.  I was thankful that with my new knowledge this person’s personality / character was clearly revealed to me and I understood much more deeply exactly what had transpired.  Instead of addressing that fact that they had treated me badly by excluding me they decided to play the victim card and blame me for the choice of actions.  I believe that in the process they convinced themselves that they did nothing wrong, that I deserved what I got and being excluded was my fault. And in convincing themselves of this they don't feel any need to apologize for treating me in a disrespectful hurtful manner.

This scenario has been typical in my experience.
Why?

This was mostly because I did not have the skill set or knowledge to see the actions / comments for what they were. It was my ignorance that kept me silenced even when in my gut I felt that something was wrong.  In my ignorance I was encouraged to continue to believe that the something wrong was me.  It was only when I started to question the truth of that self-diminishing thought; that I started to gradually change and the biggest change I made was to ask questions about what kind of person is it that treats me this way and thinks it is okay?

The techniques that others use so smoothly to silence me still have a measure of success on me; this is a clear indication that I am still on a healing journey, getting closer, but not there yet.

However there is one important change; before I would quickly forgive them (even though no apology was offered) and allow them back into my life.  Now, I withdraw from the conflict and I am quite happy to wait and see if they ever notice that I am gone, to see if they ever consider that their actions / words may have something to do with why I am gone from their lives and if I will ever get a sincere apology from them in an effort to have me back in their lives.

The change is that I am happy to be without those kinds of relationships.  I am no longer willing to do anything, to beg and plead or try to buy my way into their affections.   Mostly I have become aware that no matter how much I try it will never be enough, my insufficiencies will always be pointed out and used as the excuse for any and all failures.

So many believed that my role as scapegoat was so secure, so ingrained in me; that I would never have the courage to question my status, that my voice was forever silenced by my insecurities, that I would never be able to free myself from the false core beliefs that held me captive.

I do believe I have caught them unawares.  While my need to feel loved is probably as great as ever, I have learned that it is only by loving myself that I can attract the kind of relationships where loving caring actions are reciprocal, not a bargaining chip for inclusion. 

So I no longer wait for others to change in response to my healing changes,  I no longer expect them to recognize that has transpired and see that I have boundaries.  Instead I am cultivating new relationships and strengthening those old relationships where I am heard, where my voice is valued and where my throat chakra, my inner truth is allowed to flourish and grow.


I take tentative steps each day, toward becoming more courageous, more truthful, more assertive, having more faith in my right to be heard.  


 I try hard to balance my willingness to listen with an equal expectation to be heard. 

I am striving to balance clearly stating my displeasure as well as clearing sharing my pleasure.

I am discovering that my power lies in taking that awareness of what it feels like to be unheard and instead of freezing in silence, learning that my need to express my hurt when I am unheard is a right that I will no longer be denied.

As I continue to learn to have a voice in relationships that have succeeded only because of my reluctance to speak my truth in the past; I share my learning with others.  What I share with my readers here and on my Reflections page on Facebook, is a way for me to have a voice that will be heard by those who recognize themselves in my stories of healing and personal transformation.  People who can relate and say, yes that is how I also feel.  Maybe you too have stories to share of how you have felt silenced or unheard?

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 - 08 - 24




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Saturday, August 19, 2017

My daily reflections: Character is Revealed by Behaviour during the Difficult Times





Quote:  
“It is during the worst storms of your life that you will get to see the true colours of the people who say they care for you” ~ unknown





Sometimes I wonder what it says about those who abandon you when you need them most?

It is when you face this question that you realize that those who abandon have deep, deep issues and their lack of compassion is only a symptom of the things that are wrong with them and in their lives.

I was abandoned. 
Not only was I abandoned, I was called crazy and told that they wanted nothing to do with me until I got help and was better.  In other words, that while I was in mental distress I was a persona non grata.  They had no interest in standing by me while I healed.  After all that I had done for them; they could not stand by me while I was weak and needed help to survive the abuse being hurled at me. 

The abuse that was causing me to “act not like myself” was considered acceptable; while my reaction to the abuse was not!  

The message I received was that I did not have the right to defend myself.  By their non-support, I was being told that I should just accept the lies and the slander that was being told about me without reaction.  They even went so far as to tell me that my anger about how I was being treated was a sign that I was crazy and in need to mental health intervention!  

In their mind there was never a moment of doubt that the lies were truth and that I was the crazy one.  I ask you, is that how you treat a friend?
 

  • Do you turn on a friend and assume the lies being told are the truth without verification?
  • Do you assume that a friend is at fault based on gossip without asking said friend for their side of the story?
  • Do you side with those who tell the stories to condone their actions against the person you say is your friend without any desire to know more?
  • Do you withhold support and love and respect and then turn around and say this shunning was done from a place of love? 
  • Do you gang up on a loved one telling everyone that will listen that they are crazy, having a break down without making a single attempt to find out what they are feeling / thinking about how they have been treated?
  • Do you attempt to isolate the person from all social connection by telling everyone who will listen that they need to also shun this person?

I ask you again, are these the actions of a friend?
I think most would agree that this is not how you treat a friend.  
Is this how you treat a family member? 
Is this type of behaviour right?

Yes it was during the worst days of my life that I learned to see the true colours of those I thought were family and friends.  And it was through healing myself; for the most part in isolation, that I learned that those who abandon have much deeper emotional issues than I. 

A huge difference in the outcome is that I have faced my own shortcomings, while they still hide from their short comings by blaming me, I am their scape goat.  I become the symbol of all they don’t want to face about themselves. 

In choosing to side with the oppressors and the bullies, they became just like them, just like to bullies and oppressors.  

In rejecting and shaming me they attempted to hide from themselves how their values are skewed toward dominance, control and power. By not standing by the underdog they proclaimed that they care more about their image than for what is right.  

I am told that everything happens for a reason.  Being attacked and slandered has led me to learn about those who thrive on attacking and bullying and controlling and manipulating others.  I have become much more people-wise because of what I have survived. 

Every day I strive to find compassion in my heart for those who abandoned me out of their own weakness of character that allowed them to be swayed by the glib words of a sociopathic liar.  I am not successful every day I try, but I repeat the exercise daily none the less. 

Every day I pray that they will wake up one day and see the light.  That they were party to the oppressor’s agenda and that their ignorance led them to make thoughtless and hurtful choices.
Every day I pray for my heart to be open to atonement when or if it comes.

And yet I still search for the answers to the unanswerable questions.


  • What kind of person abandons a friend / a family member based on hearsay?
  • What kind of person has so little faith in the fundamental goodness of a friend / family member that lies are so easily accepted as truth?  
  • What kind of person allows a loved one to suffer alone in the aftermath of a bullies attack?
  • What kind of a person does not stand by a loved one that is emotionally distraught and needs support and care? 

The only answer can be someone who carries within them deep issues, something very wrong with their own moral compass or their ability to treat others with compassion. Something is very wrong with their understanding of how one treats friends and family. 

Remember it is easy to do the right thing when the going is easy.  It is when the going is tough, when there are lies and attacks being made, that we are asked to make the tough calls.  It is how we stand up to the bullies in defense of our loved ones that we show our character, or our lack of character. 

Even if unknowingly we become the pawn of someone’s twisted end game, we are ultimately responsible for how we treat our loved ones. Being used is not an excuse for lack of moral fibre to do the right thing.

And so I come full circle, someone who lacks such moral fibre suffers from deep character issues and their lack of honour in doing the right thing is only a symptom of the things that are wrong within them and the things they have yet to face about themselves.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 08 – 16



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