Today’s Reflection started with an article about the need to purge toxic friends / relationships. In this article was the following list:
- If I don’t think much of so and so, why am I keeping them around?
- If so and so doesn’t seem to respect my time, maybe I should stop giving it to them?
- If so and so needs to make other people feel bad to feel good about themselves, isn’t that the definition of a relationship that’s unhealthy?
- If so and so is a troll who seems to thrive on drama, then good for them, but where is the rule that says I have to participate in it?
I wish someone had given me this advice much sooner in life! Learning to cultivate "HEALTHY" relationships was not something I was taught. I was taught to ignore people's faults, to make allowances for their bad behaviour! I was trained to be a people pleaser, my worth became tied to how much I tolerated without complaint! If I tolerated then I was good. If I did not tolerate or complained…then I was bad. That is the message the false core belief that I was taught .
All this lead to was years and years and years of me feeling bad about myself!!!
- They hurt me ....I feel bad about me,
- They ignore me ...I feel bad about me.
- The call me names....I feel bad about me.
- They disparage my point of view....I feel bad about me
- They tell me what is wrong with me.... I feel bad about me
And yet I have been encouraged to keep them in my life because (insert various reasons here). I was given the hidden message that the reason they did these things to me was because I was not good enough and that if only I were a better person they would not treat me that way. And stupid me; shame on me, I believed this false message!!
Well learning about healthy boundaries means I have learned that I have the right to say no to such behaviour! Moreover; when they don't respect my NO and insist that I ought to uncomplainingly tolerate such behaviour; then I deserve and have the right to make changes in the time I will allow them to negatively impact upon me.
They whom I have cut from having the pleasure of my time, and those whom I will continue to cut from having the privilege of being in my circle of intimates; can be angry with me (that after all is their right) but what they do not have the right to continue doing is harm me with their negativity, destroy my equanimity, or diminish my worth.
Don't like my boundaries?
I don't like your behaviour!
And that means I have the right to choose not to waste my precious time in your company!
Renate Dundys Marrello2018 – 01 – 31
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