Saturday, August 19, 2017

My daily reflections: Character is Revealed by Behaviour during the Difficult Times





Quote:  
“It is during the worst storms of your life that you will get to see the true colours of the people who say they care for you” ~ unknown





Sometimes I wonder what it says about those who abandon you when you need them most?

It is when you face this question that you realize that those who abandon have deep, deep issues and their lack of compassion is only a symptom of the things that are wrong with them and in their lives.

I was abandoned. 
Not only was I abandoned, I was called crazy and told that they wanted nothing to do with me until I got help and was better.  In other words, that while I was in mental distress I was a persona non grata.  They had no interest in standing by me while I healed.  After all that I had done for them; they could not stand by me while I was weak and needed help to survive the abuse being hurled at me. 

The abuse that was causing me to “act not like myself” was considered acceptable; while my reaction to the abuse was not!  

The message I received was that I did not have the right to defend myself.  By their non-support, I was being told that I should just accept the lies and the slander that was being told about me without reaction.  They even went so far as to tell me that my anger about how I was being treated was a sign that I was crazy and in need to mental health intervention!  

In their mind there was never a moment of doubt that the lies were truth and that I was the crazy one.  I ask you, is that how you treat a friend?
 

  • Do you turn on a friend and assume the lies being told are the truth without verification?
  • Do you assume that a friend is at fault based on gossip without asking said friend for their side of the story?
  • Do you side with those who tell the stories to condone their actions against the person you say is your friend without any desire to know more?
  • Do you withhold support and love and respect and then turn around and say this shunning was done from a place of love? 
  • Do you gang up on a loved one telling everyone that will listen that they are crazy, having a break down without making a single attempt to find out what they are feeling / thinking about how they have been treated?
  • Do you attempt to isolate the person from all social connection by telling everyone who will listen that they need to also shun this person?

I ask you again, are these the actions of a friend?
I think most would agree that this is not how you treat a friend.  
Is this how you treat a family member? 
Is this type of behaviour right?

Yes it was during the worst days of my life that I learned to see the true colours of those I thought were family and friends.  And it was through healing myself; for the most part in isolation, that I learned that those who abandon have much deeper emotional issues than I. 

A huge difference in the outcome is that I have faced my own shortcomings, while they still hide from their short comings by blaming me, I am their scape goat.  I become the symbol of all they don’t want to face about themselves. 

In choosing to side with the oppressors and the bullies, they became just like them, just like to bullies and oppressors.  

In rejecting and shaming me they attempted to hide from themselves how their values are skewed toward dominance, control and power. By not standing by the underdog they proclaimed that they care more about their image than for what is right.  

I am told that everything happens for a reason.  Being attacked and slandered has led me to learn about those who thrive on attacking and bullying and controlling and manipulating others.  I have become much more people-wise because of what I have survived. 

Every day I strive to find compassion in my heart for those who abandoned me out of their own weakness of character that allowed them to be swayed by the glib words of a sociopathic liar.  I am not successful every day I try, but I repeat the exercise daily none the less. 

Every day I pray that they will wake up one day and see the light.  That they were party to the oppressor’s agenda and that their ignorance led them to make thoughtless and hurtful choices.
Every day I pray for my heart to be open to atonement when or if it comes.

And yet I still search for the answers to the unanswerable questions.


  • What kind of person abandons a friend / a family member based on hearsay?
  • What kind of person has so little faith in the fundamental goodness of a friend / family member that lies are so easily accepted as truth?  
  • What kind of person allows a loved one to suffer alone in the aftermath of a bullies attack?
  • What kind of a person does not stand by a loved one that is emotionally distraught and needs support and care? 

The only answer can be someone who carries within them deep issues, something very wrong with their own moral compass or their ability to treat others with compassion. Something is very wrong with their understanding of how one treats friends and family. 

Remember it is easy to do the right thing when the going is easy.  It is when the going is tough, when there are lies and attacks being made, that we are asked to make the tough calls.  It is how we stand up to the bullies in defense of our loved ones that we show our character, or our lack of character. 

Even if unknowingly we become the pawn of someone’s twisted end game, we are ultimately responsible for how we treat our loved ones. Being used is not an excuse for lack of moral fibre to do the right thing.

And so I come full circle, someone who lacks such moral fibre suffers from deep character issues and their lack of honour in doing the right thing is only a symptom of the things that are wrong within them and the things they have yet to face about themselves.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 08 – 16



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Sunday, August 13, 2017

My Daily Reflections: Pondering Suffering


Quote:
"Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;
The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.
O my brother, staying in a cold dark place
And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain
Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!
The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;
Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.
Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,
Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself."
- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

Sometimes we receive the message that suffering is to be avoided at all costs, that we must always seek out the positive and the happy. This is a misconception and why it is perpetuated I don’t quite understand. 

Now I am not saying we need to “seek out” suffering, but rather that we must not allow our suffering to lead us to despair. For in suffering, and especially in overcoming and growing through the suffering is where we learn some of life’s deepest lessons. Dig into the hardships, do the work of becoming a better person because of what you have experienced. Learn from the experience what you don’t want to do (or continue to do) unto others which causes them needless suffering. Learn also that sometimes suffering can’t be avoided and that there is a lesson that THEY must learn which only can be learned through that path of suffering soul searching.

I used to accept horrible disrespectful behaviour towards myself from others; I made excuses for them and tolerated their behaviour. Then slowly I started to realize they were in fact causing me unnecessary suffering. When what they really needed was a "shot of reality", they needed to be told that it was unacceptable to treat me that way.

What I needed to do was cause them some conscience suffering!

I needed to let them know that their behaviour was a problem and I needed to let them know in such a way that they could face their conscience and have a moment of possible growth toward becoming a better person.

It took me a long, long time to learn this lesson. In an effort to not remove “happiness” from others, I ended up suffering needlessly the stings of hurt and abuse and disrespectful behaviours. Sometimes the best gift we can give others is for them to feel the sting of our withdrawal from them in disapproval.

There is much to be learned from suffering.
It is not always easy learning.

But sometimes our greatest breakthroughs come after we have suffered greatly.

And sometimes we have to be the instrument of suffering in others. For example, sharing a truth they don’t want to hear causes suffering to someone who has a cluster B personality trait. But it is only in suffering that they have an opportunity to change. Not that change is guaranteed by any means, but by offering them an opportunity to face something about themselves we can give them a glimpse that change might be needed.


I have been coming to the understanding that sometimes it hurts you, your self-esteem and your self-worth to be eternally kind to others that have shown by their actions that they don’t appreciate or deserve your kindness.

And sometimes the greatest kindness is a truth most resented or an action revealed as being unacceptable. Even if in the short term there is resistance and suffering.

They may walk away angry and spiteful that you dared present such a truth, they may even seek revenge. But the truth is, they have been given a wondrous gift; an opportunity to look in the mirror, to see themselves from the perspective of the person they have harmed, or to see how a grandiose outlook is preventing personal growth and the opportunity to improve. Whether or not they learn from the insight is totally up to them. 

Many won’t learn!  

Many are blind to the lesson they have been given. They don’t want to feel the pain of suffering through personal transformation, or they simply have such an inflated ego they think they are so superior that they can do no wrong.  Many will turn around and use excuses or judgments or even blame, guilt or threats to exonerate themselves and preserve the delusion that they are too perfect to be in need of change.

Another lesson in life that I have learned is that to remain silent when being verbally abused in the effort to be perceived as nice does not work. The net result is that you are perceived as an easy target and the abuse escalates.


I also have learned, through some really tough life lessons; that I can't stay silent about speaking a truth to facilitate someone else's comfort. This is especially imperative when their level of comfort is based on ego and illusion but not on actual fact.




My wish for myself and for others who are traveling a similar path toward self-discovery and self-awareness is this:

May you learn that in suffering there is learning and that in learning there are new beginnings. Don’t shy away from suffering because it is unpleasant, instead seek what lesson has been presented to you and how you can learn from the experience and how you can become a better person in the process.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 – 08 – 12




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Monday, July 31, 2017

My Daily Reflections: Recognizing Toxic People by How They Make You Feel


You recognize a toxic person by how you feel when in their presence. Their actions trigger your most primal negative responses.

People who make you feel this way often say they love you, but their actions show that they really don't care how you feel.

These actions are not loving actions.

Loving actions make you feel worthy, accepted, cared for. 

Toxic actions make you feel guilty, ashamed, not good enough.

Use your feelings about yourself as a guide to whether you have been in the presence of a toxic person.

Here are some Signs that you have been in the company of a Toxic Person:

1. You feel that nothing you can say or do is good enough
2. You feel that your smallest flaw or perceived imperfection is always being pointed out to you. Your past mistakes are used against you to prove your unworthiness.
3. You feel that you're not allowed to be different or that you are expected to conform to their standards.
4. You feel second best or defective when around them because they act like they are fabulous and never make mistakes
5. You feel guilty and ashamed of who you are and the choices you have made
6. You feel criticized, or that your needs don't matter or that you are being manipulated into believing your are the problem and that you need to change.
7. You feel beaten, wounded, battered, bruised and torn after spending time with them
8. You feel that your boundaries have been disrespected and your "no” is turned around to make you feel selfish.
9. You feel un-cared for, that your feelings don't matter, and even that they enjoy seeing the suffering they cause.
10. They leave you feeling that everything is about them, what they think, and want and feel.


Toxic people can be older than you, the same age as you or younger than you.

Most often we forget that people younger than us can treat us toxically.

We usually think of toxic behaviours coming from our peers or those older than us. (The typical bully is portrayed as older). This is a fallacy.


Even those younger than us learn that toxic behaviours create a sense of power and they will use this to get what they want from those of us who tend to be kind, forgiving, compassionate peacekeepers.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 - 07 - 31



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Saturday, July 29, 2017

My Daily Reflection: Resolving False Core Beliefs



False core beliefs cause turmoil in our lives.  The greatest problem in eradicating false core beliefs is discovering that we even have them.  I have been working on this in my healing journey for some time now and I am constantly surprised when a new false core belief crops up.

I have been working on an Oprah and Deepak 21 day meditation series called “desire and destiny” and unexpectedly came face to face with a false core belief that I was totally unaware I had!  I think I had warning signs, moments of discomfort but they were not enough for me to pinpoint the problem.

Then there was the exercise that asked the question; “what was the difference between a dream that came true easily and one that you struggled to make happen?” and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I have always struggled to make my dreams come true until recently.  

What changed?  

The trauma that I experienced is what changed.  




Before the trauma all of my dreams were altered or postponed or shrunk to accommodate other people in my life.  



In my younger days my parents influenced my dreams by often pointing out how unpractical they were.  

Later pressure from parents and in-laws to have a family put my dream for traveling in the trash.  Later still my children and their welfare meant putting aside my dreams to make sure theirs needs were met.  My dreams were always less important than other people's expectations of me!

Finally in my retirement years I resurrected my dream to travel.  I have been traveling quite frequently and for the first time I felt free, like something that had great meaning and value for me was becoming reality.  For the first time in my life I was dreaming and planning something that came from my heart of desires.  And the projects and plans came together effortlessly, and I experienced the joy of numerous adventures until…

That “until” almost destroyed my dream.  I was called selfish for going after my dream of travel.  This was done by someone very, very close and dear to me.  Someone I never expected to rob me of my dream! But she did, she called me selfish.  Told me I was a narcissist for traveling (my dream finally come true).  For a full year my love of travel was destroyed.  I started to question my right to fulfill my dream!  I postponed making any further plans to travel.  I made excuses not to travel and the short outings that I did take were filled with fear and anxiety.

Then I did this course and I had that “ahha” moment when I realized what my gut had been trying to tell me, my dream was almost lost because I lost my belief that I deserved to have a dream come true.

I allowed the words and actions of another person once again to influence me and reinforce my false core belief that I am unworthy of having my dreams come true.  I almost repeated the same action that I have repeat for my whole life; that of giving up my dreams because I had been taught that my dreams are secondary to everyone else’s dreams and everyone  else's happiness.

I wrote this statement in one of the answers to the questions in the course:  “I am grateful for the knowledge that I am allowed to be true to my dreams and my goals and that I don’t have to put them on hold to please others. It is neither my job nor my responsibility to make others feel good by giving up on my dreams.”

What a revelation!  All my life I have given up my dreams to allow others to feel good.  I never put my need to feel good first.  It has taken me to my 65th year of living to finally figure out that it is neither my responsibility nor my job to sacrifice my dreams so others can feel good!

I learned that just because that false core belief made me sacrifice my own happiness so many times in the course of my life I do not have to continue to do so.  I am not the problem here!

The problem is the false core belief that was instilled in me and perpetuated in me by others who benefited from me giving up on my dreams. They used guilt and shaming and bullying and name calling and reminders of obligations and responsibility to get me to give up on my desires; to follow their vision of what they thought my life ought to be. 

They never thought to ask what I might want my life to be, because they assumed they knew better than I or they had something to gain by me fulfilling their dreams rather than my own.  Or maybe they just assumed that I had less right to happiness than they did and that if I fulfilled my dreams I might be happy or God forbid, happier than they are!!

I am going back to my travel and adventure dream projects with a lighter heart. 
I have exposed the false core belief! 

I DO deserve to go after my dreams and I DO deserve to make my dreams a reality and I DO deserve to be happy. 

And NO, it is neither my job nor my responsibility to give up on my happiness to ensure that they feel good.  If they love me, like the say they do, then their feeling good should come from seeing me happy and fulfilled!  If they say they love me but want me to give up on my dreams because it makes them feel bad, then they don’t really love me for me, they only love me for how I make them feel when I give in to their wishes and they are only happy when they see me sad or unfulfilled over giving up my dreams. 

That is not love; that is control and manipulation.  That is something the new healthier, self aware, self compassionate I, is no longer willing to tolerate.

Calling me selfish in an attempt to get me to give up on my dream is unkind, mean-spirited and yes selfish, because what it really demonstrates is that you are more interested in guilting me into making you feel good than in feeling happy for me for going after my dreams and feeling content and happy. You are being selfish when you claim that my happiness makes you feel bad. Insinuating that I need to be punished for going after my happiness is a very mean spirited thing to do to someone you claim to  love.

My new awareness of boundaries helps me to understand that this use of guilt (telling me I am  neglecting my duty and responsibility to them) is a deliberate attempt to overstep my boundaries and my right to feel good about myself. And my new awareness of boundaries has taught me that I too deserve to protect myself from the envy and jealousy of those who try to take away my happiness by invoking my well trained tendency to put others ahead of myself.






A well trained lifelong doormat responds quickly to implied wrongdoing and guilt is an easy target for emotional manipulate in a codependent personality.  

However the sleeper has awakened! 

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 – 07 – 29



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Friday, July 7, 2017

post estrangement: healing encompases much learning


Obviously, anyone who is struggling to heal from trauma goes through many stages and steps toward recovery.  There are many ways we learn to make changes within ourselves, our thought patterns, our responses, discovering false core beliefs etc.

However one of the most valuable tools that I have discovered in healing is learning about the bad behaviour patterns of others.  The more I am aware of the types of actions used by Character Disturbed People (that is people who lack character and to some degree actually gain pleasure from using and hurting others) the more I realize that being proactive in recognizing these traits and categorizing them as "bad behaviour" and then making choices for my own defense the more "safe" I feel.

One of the aftermaths I experienced post trauma was a fearfulness.  For a long time I did not recognize what was holding me back, I just resisted virtually all social situations. I felt great anxiety or panic when forced to face such situations.  Now, as I have learned so much more, I have come to realize that this is my "flight" response in anticipation of being rejected and exposed to more of the same trauma.

I never learned about bad character in my life and so I was not prepared for encounters with bad people.  Most of my life the manipulators and controllers went under the radar!  Their jabs so subtle that that vague sense of un-ease I felt was my fault, I labeled myself as too sensitive.  Oddly enough this was often reinforced when I did dare to voice my opinion that I was feeling hurt!   You know exactly what I mean;...the well meaning advice "oh you are just being too sensitive". 

How many unkind words are spoken, how many put downs uttered, how many times are we made to feel inadequate and when we complain we are the "overly sensitive" ones; or we have no sense of humour; or we misunderstood.  And when the events of unkindness are small ones we tend to ignore our inner warning signs.

Here is an example from my past.  I redecorated a room. I put in hours of research, found pictures that spoke to me and made me feel good.  I was excited about creating this room and worked hard finding the colours and patterns to create my vision.  When done I was incredibly proud of what I had accomplished.  When completed, most people enjoyed the results.  However one person looked and said "I would never do a room like that!"  Now this was not a direct insult but it did imply that my room lacked appeal.  I ignored the warning signs that this was not a nice person. I continued to be friends with her. 

Years later when our children were teens and I confided in her my challenges with my son she blamed me for his behaviour.  It was my fault because I was not strict enough.  Now that of itself hurt, but she then went on to make sure my children knew that she felt I was an inadequate parent. She continued to undermine my parenting because my children started going to her for advice and ignoring mine.

Here is a classic example of how a "gut feeling" ignored early in the relationship led to this person remaining in my life to cause me harm later on.

The small warning signs should NEVER be ignored. First of course we need to know that they are in fact warning signs.  And sadly that is not something I was taught and I presume that there are many "nice, people pleasing" types of people around who fall into the same category of lack of knowledge, as I did.  We brush off the small slights maybe with a cringe, but we forgive and forget too easily.  For this reason a vital aspect of healing is to learn to recognize  these warning signs. That requires learning about what makes manipulative controlling egotistically full of themselves people tick! 

The second thing we need to learn is that we do not have to tolerate such behaviour!  We do have the right to respond with boundaries and limitation setting retaliations!   In the past my "I am a nice person" persona did not allow me to do this.  So my next step in healing is overcoming my fear of responding!

I can recognize bad behaviour, my "gut" always warns me.  If I feel bad I know I have been treated bad.  But now I also have the vocabulary to define what the bad behaviour is!

In the process of healing I have gotten good at removing myself from the presence of people who exhibit bad behaviour.  I call this my coward approach, but in my fragile state of recovery it was all that I was able to accomplish.  If you do or say something that is derogatory or harms me, I reserve the right to remove myself from your presence.  That is called "flight"

Now I face my next challenge, when I recognize bad behaviour to confront the person immediately with a response about how I feel about their behaviour and that I won't tolerate it!  That is called "fighting".

Most of my life I have used "fawning", doing things to try to get people to like me and treat me better, or "freezing", trying to become invisible, insignificant not worth picking on.  I never felt I had the right nor the option to flee or to fight. 

Healing has taught me that I do have the right!  

As always, dear reader, I love to hear your thoughts on what healing has taught you.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 - 07 – 07

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Monday, June 26, 2017

Post Estrangement - Grappling with Mental Health Issues.


Mental health issues do not happen in a vacuum.  You don’t wake up one morning with mental health issues spontaneously in your life.   Mental health issues are created by the way people treat you! 

When people treat you as less than, as inferior, when people tell you what they think is wrong with you or how they want you to behave, they create insecurities within you.  You start to doubt yourself.  You start a thinking pattern that involves the words “I am not good enough”.  When you are rejected or shunned you feel unloved and unworthy.  These cause mental health issues that stem from insecurities about worth and acceptance.  

I find it surprising that the very people that create the drama in relationships, that focus on your faults and your shortcomings and constantly point them out to you are then totally unsupportive when you exhibit signs of mental and emotional trauma.  They are the ones that point out that they think you are sick and need help.  Often they even say that they don’t want to be around you because you are sick, when they themselves created the situation by undermining you at every turn, in effect they are the ones who made you sick but they use your emotional distress against you as just one more sign that you are unworthy.  

And yet all too often we see or treat mental health issues like they are some form of contagious disease.  We ostracize those who succumb to the pressures of being emotionally abused and who show signs of suffering based on the feelings of insecurity, abandonment, and low self-esteem induced by the bullies.  Meanwhile, the bullies in life, the narcissists, the sociopaths, the psychopaths walk around unimpeded by emotional trauma because they are the source of the emotional trauma in others, but they are the first ones to point out the damage they have done as a verification that others are crazy.  They point out the unworthiness of those they have destroyed, claiming it is their emotional instability that makes them unworthy, disguising that they themselves are the source of the emotional trauma.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, if you feel insecure, if you feel unloved or unworthy; all these signs of emotional and mental health issues; know this, you did not suddenly become this way, you did not suddenly start to feel this way in an emotional vacuum.  You are this way because of the way you have been treated by others.  And yet it is those very others who created your “un-ease” in the first place; who claim that you are the defective one! 

Part of healing is learning this.  For as long as you blame yourself for your emotions and feelings, you don’t put the blame upon those who are the source of your feelings.  The people who treated you badly, those who mocked and criticized and put you down, they are the source of your feelings.

YOU DO NOT SUDDENLY WAKE UP ONE DAY WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM.  YOU BECOME A PERSON WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM BECAUSE YOUR HAVE BEEN TREATED AS UNWORTHY, INSIGNIFICANT, INCAPABLE OR DEFECTIVE.

Healing cannot take place until you find yourself in a place where you can see this clearly.  As long as you blame yourself for being weak or as long as you believe that by doing more you will become worthy you are not really addressing the depths of the problem.

When you realize that the forces that cause you to feel emotional pain are external you can figuratively or physically remove yourself from the source of the pain.  You can assign to those others who tormented you emotionally through their actions and words with the blame. And thus you empower yourself to create boundaries, to say “their actions, their words, their responsibility” and you then stop trying to “please them” by changing yourself. Instead you start to change yourself so that in becoming self-reliant, self-compassionate, self nurturing and self-caring; they no longer have power over you.

Oh but be prepared, the action of changing yourself, of setting up boundaries against abusive emotionally manipulative behaviour will bring out the worst in your oppressors.  


  • They will now tell the world that you have mental health issues, they will shun you for your mental health issues and tell others to shun you as well!  
  • They will make demands that you get help for your mental health issues and say things like “I can’t be with you until you get help”.  
They do this to cast aspersions upon you and to deflect others from seeing that they are indeed the perpetrators of the harm causing actions in the relationship. 

They really don’t want you back as a healthy well integrated person because then you are no longer a willing target to their abuse!  

They liked you in your dysfunctional self-doubting, self-denigrating, people pleasing, submissive, conflict solving role!  So even though they are the ones that told you that you were the “crazy” one and tell you that you “need help” and said that they don’t want to have anything to do with you until you are “better”, they don’t want the person you become in the process of healing either! 


  • An emotionally healthy person can’t be manipulated and controlled through fear of loss.  
  • An emotionally healthy person can’t be influenced or tricked into doing more or giving more to earn love and acceptance.  
  • An emotionally healthy person therefore serves no purpose in the lives of those people who enjoy having power over others, who enjoy using others to gain advantage for themselves.  

So when you are finally at a place where you are strong and emotionally healthy and ready to take no abusive behaviour from anyone, the original perpetrators of your “un-ease”, the perpetrators of your emotional break down and following break through, will still refuse to become a part of your life.  


They will continue to devalue you and tell you what is wrong with you and will continue to tell you that you must apologize for your reactions to their hurtful behaviors and they will continue to tell you must change before they will allow you back in their lives.

Do not be fooled into believing that they really have your best interests in mind when they tell you that you are sick.  Yes, even though they often use the phrase “I am only telling you this out of love”, their purpose  in telling you that is only to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do.  And do not believe that they will come back when you are healed, for the healed "you" sees right through their manipulations and they do not wish to be exposed.

Emotionally healthy people do not push you out or reject you for being in a state of “un-ease”.   Emotionally healthy people stand by you as you heal, they offer support and encouragement. 
Emotionally healthy people do not point out what is wrong with you they point out what is right with you.
Emotionally healthy people make you feel loved and lovable.

If you feel anything less than honoured, loved, supported, respected, nurtured in any relationship that you are in; then you are in the presence of someone who is contributing to your mental “un-ease”.  You are not the source of this un-ease, they are.  Your feelings are merely a response to what has or is being done to you. Mental health issues are created by those who treat you badly and they desperately hope that you never find that out. For once you do find out they are revealed for the unpleasant characters that they really are, and the unpleasant personality that they exhibit is exposed.

So you can count on one thing for sure; those who want you to remain mentally and emotionally unhealthy will do everything in their power to keep you from becoming healthy.  And this includes calling you crazy, isolating you and disparaging your tentative first steps at becoming healthy.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2017 – 06 – 26 

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Saturday, June 10, 2017

My Daily Reflections: the pitfalls of the comparison habit




I think one of the things that we learn as children is comparing ourselves to others.  

Maybe our parents started the trend, by saying things like: 
- “why can’t you be more like….”  Or 
- “look at how well ….. is doing.”  

These messages somehow stick as we grow up and we internalize them.  Once we internalize them we become our own worst critic.  We start to compare ourselves to others and find all the different ways we don’t compare favorably.  

It is a vicious circle, we feel bad when we compare ourselves to others so we do more of it and more of it always coming up short and soon we lose all sense of self-worth.  

At some point in time, for our own mental well-being, we have to stop this cycle, to move away from comparisons to celebrations of our victories. 

We need to learn to redirect those false habits that no longer serve and create new ones that serve to create wholeness within us. Sometimes that means totally relearning the internal habits of a lifetime, especially if we carried this childhood pattern forward into our adult life. 

Thought for today:
where do I still cling to the false patterns of comparing myself to others?

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2017 - 06 - 09

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page
for some reason I can no longer access facebook.  If I sort out that glitch I will see you again there.  If not, well that is life, and I will make my notes here in Google Blogger instead.

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