Friday, February 13, 2015

Post-Estrangement - Finding My Way Back to Exuberance

14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge:   Day 12

February 12th   

Living with estrangement fills our daily journey with all kinds of challenges.

The emotions that change constantly always leave you feeling a little off balance.  

The circular thinking about the past and resolving nothing leaves you feeling defeated.  

But the most debilitating for me has been this sense of living in a fog. 

Nothing seems real.
Nothing is really clear. 
Nothing else really matters.
I look out the window and don't recall what I see.
At the end of the day I don't recall what I accomplished.
I exist but I don’t thrive.

I look back over the past several years and realize that often I have gone through the motions of living but without enthusiasm or exuberance.  

I often caught myself with what I label, “my social mask” on; doing and saying all the right things but without connection to the moment or without any real meaning. My body was there, but my soul was not.  It was just one more form of disconnect that I was experiencing.  

I look back to my “pre-estrangement life” and envy the vitality and passion with which I faced every day.  I know there were challenges and difficulties, but they never prevented me from working with passion and energy toward solutions.  I got up in the morning eager and ready to tackle the challenges.  Each day was filled with opportunities to accomplish and achieve.   I had boundless energy.  I was never bogged down by my long list of daily activities and chores and to do’s.

After estrangement, the simple act of getting up in the morning and facing the day was difficult. Getting dressed a challenge. Going out was often an impossibility.  I relished my angry days because the adrenaline of anger got me through chores that were put off during the denial or sad days.

Healing strategies have helped me put a more balanced perspective on my life.  The routine of certain practices have helped put a schedule to my day.  Gratitude lists and documenting happy moments in my life have lifted me up out of the fog, by creating order out of the chaos of estrangement.

But I still find myself yearning for my old friends "Passion" and  “Exuberance”.   

I look at my lists of wonderful things I want to do, and my mind is willing by my spirit isn't.  

I feel pleasure occasionally. My smile is less forced and more real.  However, there is a certain something, a certain spark, still missing. 

Today’s Self-Affirmation Gift to myself is, to try to connect once more with Passion and Exuberance.  And here, I must confess, I am skeptical.  There seems to be this chasm between wanting and feeling.  And even as I write this I feel myself doubting.  However, I have learnt in my healing journey, that the first step often involves “acting as if”.  There is only the knowing that this is what I need to do and then doing the action in anticipation of the result. 

And so I propose to face this challenge from that perspective. I will
recall that a ritual can be used to move me through a transition, release and heal the past and move me toward regeneration. 

My healing Ritual to recover Passion and Exuberance 

Statements that I will ponder and write notes on:

Passion and Exuberance can be cultivated through the habits that I maintain.  I choose to plan my daily schedule according to the lifestyle I wish to embrace.

Passion and Exuberance thrive in emptiness.  Creativity needs space to grow.  I choose to give my creativity an opportunity to grow.  My schedule will include time to let things flow.  I no longer need the security of distractions and am ready to allow myself to just “see what comes up”.  I give myself permission to dream and explore that creative landscape.

Passion and Exuberance need a refreshed mind:  I will start each day in quiet meditation or prayer. I will allow myself time to renew my heart and my spirit and my mind.

Passion and Exuberance need to be released.  I have lists of things that I enjoy.  It is time that I explore those challenges so that at the end of the day I can say to myself “well done for accomplishing that”

Passion and Exuberance reside outside my comfort zone.  I will allow myself to be vulnerable, to share my creativity with others.  I will challenge myself to try new and different or difficult things.

Passion and Exuberance require me to relinquish control.  I will accept that in the unknown there are possibilities.

Passion and Exuberance provide energy and motivation.  I will allow my goals and dreams to propel me into the future by the actions I am prepared to take.

Passion and Exuberance is reciprocal.   I will share my enthusiasm with others so that their energy will be reflected back at me.

Passion and Exuberance are not a destination they are the journey.   I will embrace all the hills and valleys of the journey and welcome the roadblocks to be overcome.  

Passion and Exuberance embrace all time lines.  I will take inspiration from the past, dream toward the future and celebrate each moment in the present.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2015 - 02 - 12 

photo credits - as marked or unknown 

1 comment:

  1. There are no other words to say to this post, except Thank you! Thank you for sharing and helping the rest of us, as we journey and survive along side you.