But how does one make the new picture a better quality show than the last one? This is where the work now begins. I am the producer of this new epic and I have to be careful about how I address the issues in this show.
Creating the storyline and the backdrop is the easy part. Setting goals and planning can be done in logical steps and progression. However, changing the characters and their perspective and how they interact with life requires much more thoughtful contemplation. Here is where I have to evaluate my weaknesses and chart a path to greater awareness and strength.
With my confidence to be able to do anything right at an all-time low I find myself without any optimism that I can affect a change. This means that I need to work on myself, to rebuild that fragile image of self. I have learnt that it is easy to say to yourself: “have confidence”, but if you don’t feel it on the inside, it is an empty word. I think that to have confidence would feel very powerful compared to the weakness you feel when you believe that nothing you do is good enough or adequate.
That is for the most part where I am at. Can you believe it, at my age I feel that I have been inadequate to the tasks that life has given me. I feel that I have failed in some of the most important areas of my life. I want to face the future with optimism that I can do better but at the same time I am filled with doubt. I continue to read and try to learn more about how I can improve and wonder “will it ever be enough?”
Another area that I am striving to rebuild in my life is the ability to hope and have faith that things can be different or better. I think I was born an optimist, but events in my life have transformed a substantial part of me into a pessimist and I am envisioning that there is no “better just around the corner.” That this is as “good as it gets”. That people change and relationships that you thought were stable and healthy were rotten on the inside and did not weather the tests of time. In that frame of mind you can have all the hope and faith in the world and still not believe in possibilities. How does one turn around from there? How do you recreate the innocence of optimism? That is quite some challenge.
Finally there are the partners, trust and love. Does a broken heart heal? Can trust be rebuilt? Disappointments in life and relationships have erased the confidence I used to feel about these emotions. I used to face life with arms wide open to the world of people around me. I allowed people into my inner circle that maybe had no business there. Pain and heartache have created a barrier around me and I feel that I am keeping most of the world and possibly life, outside that barrier. It is safe within that barrier but outside that barrier is uncertainty and possible pain. Is this a pragmatic and good thing? Or is it preventing me from embracing possible new or different relationships? How does one overcome fear of rejection to take a chance once again and risk being hurt once again?
Taking on new challenges in life based on activities and doing is wonderful and fulfilling and safe. Risking emotional involvement is filled with the possibility of failure.
So as I look at the script for my future I am pondering what kind of character will I allow myself to develop into. Will I follow the safe and solitary path, or will I be a risk taker? Can I continue to develop the creative side of me without taking those emotional risks, or are risks that vital ingredient that keeps the creativity flowing? So many unanswered questions demanding to be faced and I find myself facing my blank page at the moment, without any useful answers.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2013 – 01 – 11
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