Accepting What is Out of Our Control

Accepting that I am getting older and that I only have my “golden years” left is the most important thing that I have had to identify.  It has been a process over the past couple of years since the tragic event that suddenly changed the course of my life.

I had to overcome my fear of change when the routine that I had been in and which brought me such great satisfaction was suddenly stolen from me.   I loved my life, my family and what I was doing.  Then overnight that all changed. 

The process of letting all of that go, has not been an easy one.  I learnt to create new plans and follow through on them.  At first it was just because I refused to sit back and accept that my life was over.  My first goal was to create an adventure every month.  For me traveling someplace and exploring replaced all that I had lost.  Gradually the new things in my life grew in importance.  They became the new me and defined the person I hope to be for the rest of my life.

I am letting go of the past but I am finding that it is much easier to say “I am letting go”  and that the emotions of close ties makes it much more challenging to follow through.

I take actions, I take steps and gradually what was becomes less important in my daily activities and what is now becomes more important.  I can now sometimes go a whole day without reflecting on the painful event of the past.  I hope someday to be free of the wound.

In the meantime I create a freedom of sorts out of a grim determination not to surrender to the hurts of the past.  I dream, I plan, I follow through on the adventure.  I enjoy every moment of every adventure, I relish in the beauty that surrounds me.  I make the most of every moment. By doing so I am breaking the chains of love and caring that bind me to the past and those who have hurt me.

Will I ever be totally free?  The heart is a powerful instrument of hope and yearns for  what used to be.   So it is doubtful that total mind freedom will ever be a possibility.  However, I will not live shackled by the events of the past and that is enough freedom for me right now.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2013 – 01 - 07

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