Post Estrangement: Who are our others?

Who are the others
that guide and help us
through the darkness of grief 

Ziva: “One gets over the loss of a wallet or a watch. But a loved one, they never leave  you. You never get over; you only get through.”

Lydia: “How?”

Ziva: “By leaning on others, the comfort of friends.”

~ NCIS, Season 10, Episode 8 

If you have been estranged there is a feeling of isolation, of being alone, of being the only one experiencing the pain you are feeling.

And yet there remains the human need for the comfort of friends.  But who can we turn to that understands the enormity of what we face?

In the aftermath of estrangement our corner of the world, our security has been shattered.   Family and friends seem to “choose sides”.   And those who do not choose our “side” drift quickly away, furthering the feeling of abandonment. 

Then those who have no reference point for the grief we experience get tired of hearing our sorrow and they slowly distance themselves.   Oh yes we still “see them” but there is a clear message that they don’t want to hear about "it" anymore.   Small comments like “isn’t it time for you to move one”, or the glazed look in their eyes when you open the topic once again in an effort to make sense of it all. Or maybe they say things to you like “you need to see a therapist to talk to” (meaning I don’t want to listen to you anymore)   You figure it out, you know that they are done with “hearing about IT”.

You would think that parents who have lost children to death would be a source of comfort.  But for the most part they don’t understand.   They say things like “but your child is still alive ALL you have to do is mend the bridges”.   And they say it like that is something that is simple to accomplish, as if we have not already tried that over and over again with negative results.  For them it is just a question of if you work at it hard enough you can have your child back so you are not like us.  We do not belong; we do not get the comfort we need from them.

We also get no comfort from others with broken relationships, separations or divorce.   There is love yes, but the bond that a parent feels for a child is powerful strong.  It was designed that way by nature to protect the child in the process of growing up.  Just because the force is no longer needed does not mean that it no longer ties us to our estranging adult child (and subsequent grandchildren).  And so we don’t get the comfort we need from those support groups either, for these are about relationships that end and both parties move on.  We don't stop being parents!  Even when the relationship is ended we are still parents and grandparents.  That fact does not change!

We might move on, but our burden remains right there with us all the time, centered in our nurturing parenting heart. Our family remains our family even when we are estranged. 

So inevitably we gravitate toward one another.  We find support groups of other parents that have also been estranged or alienated.   Because here we find acknowledgement, perhaps for the first time since being estranged, that we are not alone in what we feel.  The devastation that has come into our lives and the crazy swirling of emotions that comes with being estranged is real to this group of people.  Other estranged parents become our “others”. 

And this is a good thing for we are no longer isolated

And at the same time this is a bad thing for in finding our “others” it becomes tempting to stay in one place in our grieving process, we forget that we are on a journey “through grief” and support groups for estranged parents tend to become places to “remain in grief.”  For in having our grief finally validated by others we lose the sense of direction that grief is a journey through toward healing.

And so support groups for estranged parents become this breeding ground for talking about how awful X was, and how horrible Y treated me, and always the topics return over and over again to the past and what has happened and why did it happen.  

And here is where the conundrum lies; can the same group that finally made us feel that we are no longer alone; our “others” help us on the journey through grief toward healing?

I have come to the conclusion that this group of peers is a temporary place of grief and understanding and that at some point in time we need to move forward, to seek out groups that are focusing on healing in the aftermath.

I need to be very clear, I am not in any way saying that support groups for estranged parents are not useful.  They are in fact essential to the process of coming to understand:

1.  I am not alone
2.  what I am feeling is normal
3.  I am a good person
4.  I did nothing to deserve this
What I am saying is that when the support group no longer fosters your own healing, when it keeps you in the cycle of pain rather than moving through the cycle of grief then you have start to look for healing support.

For us to journey through grief and into healing we need a group of “others” that is on the same journey.

While to share grief is a solace, it behooves us to remember that to share a grief is not enough.   While sharing a grief, feels really good, and knowing you are no longer in isolation offers a foundation for strength and hope, there is the danger that this comfort will become the crutch for not moving into the healing stage.  If there is no motivation to move beyond the grief and back into life, there is no healing.  

And to live life; really live not simply exist, we do need to move beyond grief.  That requires forward momentum.  And forward momentum does not come from looking back. Forward momentum comes from engaging the future. 

And so there comes a time for each of us at a different stage in the grieving time line, when we accept that there is a choice to be made.  The choice is to remain with the same group of others, repeating and reliving the unending tragedy of our lives, or to join a new group of others, one determined to accept that the grief exists and possibly will always exist, while at the same time accepting that there is life to be lived beyond grief, beyond the trauma of being estranged.

This is my journey; the journey beyond grief, the healing journey.  I will remain eternally grateful to my grieving group of “others” for they held my hand when I was isolated and needed a hand to hold. 

More and more I am drawn to those groups that struggle with healing.   We make two steps forward and then fall back one.  But we push and pull each other forward.  We celebrate that we are more than just parents who have been estranged or alienated, but that we are people who deserve more from life that never ending grief.

Most of my writing currently is dedicated to this group of parents; my “others” that help me get through the grief and living life once again.  I accept that as Ziva said in the opening dialogue “there is no getting over but you get through with the support of “others”

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 02 - 06
updated 2015 - 09 - 26:  There is hope in healing.  
Healing is allowing me to look back at the early grief with a new clarity. To understand more about the process of grief in the aftermath of estrangement and to be able to write about those moments that felt as though my world had ended.  

I hope to be able to have the strength to start to share those thoughts in the future for those still struggling in what I have labeled "the abyss".  

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Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 5

February 5^th.  

Today I invite happiness into my life.  I make myself a promise to focus on the positive things that bring me joy.  I will enlarge those areas in my life the inspire me.  

I welcome joyfulness and exuberance and enthusiasm into my life.  I deserve these positive emotions. I am worthy of feeling good about myself and my life.

Happiness Affirmations 

I will collect happiness affirmations that I can post in places where I can read them easily and often.

I do this because I deserve to be happy. 

I choose to be happy.

I choose to be joyful.

I choose to be exuberant

I choose to be enthusiastic

I choose change. 

My three candle Happiness Ritual

I light a white candle to symbolize the peace I wish to feel and ring a bell to proclaim “listen, this is important”

I light a yellow candle to symbolize the creativity I wish to bring to this solution and I ring the bell again.

I light a red candle to symbolize the energy, strength, and courage I bring to this choice and I ring the bell again.

A make positive affirming statement about how I want to feel and with which emotions I want to experience my life:

• I open myself up to joy
• I open myself up to happiness.
• I open myself to feeling harmony
• I open myself up to appreciating the good in the world around me
• I open myself to fun and a childlike celebration of the little things
• I open myself to seeing my life filled with enthusiasm and exuberance
• I open myself to saying “it is amazing to be alive”
• I open myself to love both given and received
• I welcome joy
• I welcome happiness
• I welcome these changes into my life
• This is the new me.
• This is my desire. 

Sit and meditate on the things that bring me happiness and joy. 

Each thought becomes a proactive statement on things that I can do that bring me happiness.

I will not stop until I have at the very least ten things on my list that I can do to actively bring happiness, joy, enthusiasm and good things into my life.

I meditate on how I will feel when I allow these emotions back into my life.

I reflect on how much I deserve to feel these good emotions.

I will sit in candle glow until I feel peaceful and content in this moment of self appreciation.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 02 - 05 

My Facebook Reflections Page 

photo credit for unmarked pictures:  unknown 

Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 4

February 4^th.  

Today I proclaim that I reclaim my life.  

My gift of love on this 4^th day of self appreciation was to find a song that expressed this sentiment.   To say boldly; "I am who I am." 

The song that I selected is Barbra Streisand singing – Don't Rain On My Parade

Don't tell me not to live,

Just sit and putter,

Life's candy and the sun's

A ball of butter.

Don't bring around a cloud

To rain on my parade.

Don't tell me not to fly,

I've simply got to.

If someone takes a spill,

It's me and not you.

Who told you you're allowed

To rain on my parade!

I'll march my band out,

I'll beat my drum,

And if I'm fanned out,

Your turn at bat, sir.

At least I didn't fake it.

Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!

But whether I'm the rose

Of sheer perfection,

Or freckle on the nose

Of life's complexion,

The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,

I gotta fly once,

I gotta try once,

Only can die once, right, sir?

Ooh, life is juicy,

Juicy, and you see

I gotta have my bite, sir!

Get ready for me, love,

Cause I'm a "comer,"

I simply gotta march,

My heart's a drummer.

Don't bring around a cloud

To rain on my parade!

I'm gonna live and live now,

Get what I want, I know how,

One roll for the whole shebang,

One throw, that bell will go clang,

Eye on the target, and wham,

One shot, one gun shot, and bam,

Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!

I'll march my band out,

I'm beating my drum,

And if I'm fanned out,

Your turn at bat, sir,

At least I didn't fake it.

Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.

Get ready for me, love,

Cause I'm a "comer,"

I simply gotta march,

My heart's a drummer.

Nobody, no, nobody

Is gonna rain on my parade!

Songwriters: MERRILL, BOB/STYNE, JULE

Don't Rain On My Parade lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

You tube link  to the song 

Today I remind myself:

Today of will do a ritual to affirm confidence:

• Take a brown candle  (represents earth magic, stability, protection,  grounding)
• Rub the candle with apple oil and sprinkle with cinnamon
• Light the candle and contemplate the flame visualize confidence growing in the light.
• Inhale the aroma of apple and cinnamon, earthy scents that ground me and connect me with "mother nature". Feel her nurturing love 
• Meditate upon these thoughts:

I summon courage from within.

I call upon my inner strength.

I face my fears courageously.

I am confident that I will succeed.

There is no one that can take from me

That which I summon from inside.

My strengths reside forever within.

My gift of love to me today is this,

I empower myself to appreciate me.

I give myself this gift of love and self-appreciation today.

Are you ready to embark on your own journey? 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2014 – 02 – 04 

my Reflections page on Facebook 

Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 3

Full moon over lake Ontario
photographer Renate Dundys Marrello 

February 3^rd, and today is also a full moon.  

Some call it the Snow Moon, others the Cold Moon, and still others the Wolf Moon.  

Regardless of the name the brightness of a full moon on a cold, dark, is beautiful and inspires contemplation.



I have been studying the lunar cycle, to have something to do to focus on other than the circular thinking that inevitably happens around the topic of being estranged, where the mind plays tricks on you keeping you stuck in the past.

In the course of learning about the lunar cycle I also started learning about moon symbolism or what some call “moon magic”.   I think magic lies in the mind.  So if you believe something in your mind you can make it manifest in your life.

Moon magic says that the fool moon is a time to release. 

It is also said to be a time when prayers are especially powerful.  



So as my third day of self-appreciation, I honour the moon as part of the bountiful beauty of the universe that is available for me to enjoy.  I pray for the strength to release old thoughts and negative habits that no longer serve in my life.  

Today I will do a full moon ritual to connect with that place of respect and prayer.

• Prepare a ritual bath, scented with favorite herbs/oils or sea salt, as I cleanse my body I will also visualize cleansing my mind of negative thoughts.
• Meditate to clear my mind and heart of any thoughts, past ruminations or emotions that no longer serve me.
• I will visualize myself starting  down a new path toward harmony and contentment with what is given me to experience.
• I will anoint my chakra points and spend some time meditating on where my life is right now and which points need strengthening.
• I will focus inward on myself and remind myself that it is a good thing to learn to appreciate who I am and to celebrate my virtues rather than beating myself down for my failings. 
• I will let go of what is past and open myself up to new possibilities,
• I will let the negative go and allow the positive to take over.
• I will welcome joy and peace and love into my daily life. 
• I will allow myself to feel so good.  To feel good about myself and who I am.

This is my self-appreciation gift to myself today.

Will you join me?

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 – 02 – 03 

My face book Reflections Page

photo credits  -  Blue moon Shamanic Reiki, unknown 

Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 2

February 2^nd, is Imbolc, which is a celebration of the mid-point of winter.  It is looking forward toward the ending of of the cold season and the approaching spring. Symbolically this relates to giving up the old (winter) and looking forward to the birth of new (spring).  It is therefore an appropriate time to look at concepts of change and renewal. 

Celebrations during Imbolc, include honouring Brigid, a celtic Goddess is connected with poetry, healing and smithcraft (metalwork).   And because I see this challenge of self-appreciation as a healing rite it is apt to include thoughts of this celebration in my ritual.

Yesterday after doing my self-esteem reading I challenged myself to write a list of 100 things that I am good at or that I like about myself.  I started out slow and hesitant.  Gradually, the thoughts came more quickly to me and soon I have surpassed the goal and finished with 110 things I like about myself.  What an accomplishment!  

Today I will do "A Seven Candle Ritual" that I found that speaks to me of change and renewal:

Cleansing bath:

• I will soak in a luxurious scent filled tub surrounded by soft music and candle light
• I will meditate on the old negative thoughts I wish to wash away out of my life.  I will tell myself why these thoughts and messages no longer work for me and why I want them out of my life.
• As I drain the tub I will imagine all those negative thought flowing away to be gone.

Preparing for the new:

• I will dress in new clothing, to symbolize that I am building new habits.

"Seven Candle Ritual" inviting change and renewal:

Lighting the first candle I say:	Although it is now dark, I come seeking light. In the chill of winter, I come seeking life.
Lighting the second candle I say:	I call upon fire, that melts the snow and warms the hearth. I call upon fire, that brings the light and makes new life. I call upon fire to purify me with your flames.
Lighting the third candle I say:	This light is a boundary, between positive and negative. That which is outside, shall stay without. That which is inside, shall stay within.
Lighting the fourth candle I say:	I call upon fire, that melts the snow and warms the hearth. I call upon fire, that brings the light and makes new life. I call upon fire to purify me with your flames.
Lighting the fifth candle I say:	Like fire, light and love will always grow. Like fire, wisdom and inspiration will always grow.
Lighting the sixth candle I say:	I call upon fire, that melts the snow and warms the hearth. I call upon fire, that brings the light and makes new life. I call upon fire to purify me with your flames.
Lighting the seventh  candle I say:	Fire of the hearth, blaze of the sun, cover me in your shining light. I am awash in your glow, and tonight I am made pure.
Now I visualize	The seven flames coming together as one. As the light builds, see the energy growing in a purifying glow
Now I take some time to reflect and get into a meditative state	I meditate by candle light I breathe and feel the calm relaxation that brings. I visualize this as a time of healing and inspiration and purification.
I ask myself these question:	Do I have something damaged that needs to be healed? Am I feeling stagnant, for lack of inspiration? Is there some part of my life that feels toxic or tainted?
I visualize the changes I want to embrace	The light is a warm, enveloping energy that wraps itself around me The light is symbolic of the healing I am inviting into my life The light is a spark of creativity The light is purifies that which is damaged. I visualize myself a stronger more centered person

I found this web page today, which totally fits in with today's theme.  I plan to do this also this evening.  Brighid's Crossroads Divination. 

I look forward to this self-appreciation gift to myself.

I hope some of you will join me on this healing journey.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 – 02 – 02 

my reflections page on facebook 

photo credit:  unknown 

Reflections on Healing: 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 1

Here it is!  Feb 1^st. 

As Valentine’s Day approaches it is time to devote 14 days to doing good things for myself.  Last year I was unsuccessful in my plan.  I did not fully believe I was worthy of loving and appreciating myself.  

For me this is a second attempt.  I think this year I am better prepared.  I have done more research and more learning.  I am ready for this challenge.

I invite you to join me on this journey?

Start the day with reading: 

Why is self-esteem important?

Article #1 

Article #2 

Article #3 

Do some evaluation of my core beliefs and areas I want to change

Worksheet #1 core beliefs  

Worksheet #2 assessing negative self talk 

Worksheet #3 self esteem journal 

Worksheet #4 positive traits 

Worksheet #5 positive experiences 

Download a free book on Building Self Esteem  

My self-esteem ritual 

Anoint a pink candle with rose essential oil

• As I do this I will visualize all my self-esteem becoming stronger and more healthy.
• Inhale the scent and say “I am worthy of positive and loving self-thoughts”

Light the pink (symbolic of love and affection) candle

• As I light the candle repeat my intention:  “I am worthy of positive and loving self-thoughts”

Hold some rose quartz (also symbolic of love and affection)

• write out the negative thoughts that I cling to on one sheet of paper
• as I write out each negative thought say “I am worthy of positive and loving self-thoughts therefore I cast you out of my mind”
• on a second sheet of paper write out the new thoughts I want to embrace.
• As you right each of these new thoughts I repeat “I am worthy of positive and loving self-thoughts”
• When done with writing the positive list stroke the page with the rose quartz and repeat my intention:  “I am worthy of positive and loving self-thoughts”
• Now place the rose quart near the candle

Take the negative thoughts page and set it on fire 

• say "I am worthy of positive and loving self-thoughts therefore I burn and banish these old negative thoughts from my mind"

Take the page of good thoughts 

• say "I am worthy of loving self-thoughts and therefore I will cherish these positive thoughts"
• Place the sheet of paper in a frame or similar place of honour so that I can see it, read it, and embrace the positive thoughts easily and often.

Allow the candle to burn down.  

• Imagine the burning flame and the rose scent releasing positive and loving energy into my life.  
• Everytime I see the candle burning and / or smell the fragrance of roses I will be reminded of the new loving and positive thoughts I am welcoming into my life

I pamper myself with a spa like retreat, a rose scented, candle lit bubble bath.  Soft music is playing and as I relax I will meditate on how deserving I am of loving and positive thoughts.

While drying myself with a clean and soft towel I imagine my inner mother lavishing my inner child with love and kindness.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 – 02 – 01 
My reflections page on Facebook

photo credits:  Hosting pics.net, candleslovetoknow.com, photl.com 

Reflections on Healing: year of the mountain

I have been thinking lately that the challenge for me this year is to fundamentally change everything about how I celebrate each day of the year.  In the past (B.E. - before estrangement) my day, my life revolved around my family and my work.

Nevada - Red Rock Canyon
Photographer - Renate Dundys Marrello 

Those two essential to my life elements no longer really exist.  I was forced into early retirement (a whole other story) and even the relationships that I still do have, well, they are not the “centre” of my life (like when I was a mother of young children) rather they are a much smaller part of my life, as everyone is busy doing their “own thing”.  As such some of these relationships are on the very periphery of my life. 

So this year my theme is “climbing the mountain”, finding not only healing but also the meaning.  In the past year, I wandered lost, searching for the path.  I feel that I now have found the path, through my reading and research.  I worked very hard at learning what it looks like to be on a healing path.  And I did learn so much! 

One of the things I learnt was that without meaning we just survive another day.  So the goal of healing is to get from survival mode to living mode.  And living requires meaning.

Our ancestors I believe had knowledge that we have forgotten.  They had the right idea!  They surrounded their lives with rituals that connected them with the earth and the universe.  They celebrated the seasons, the planting and the harvest.  Their celebrations revolved around the need to survive the hardships of rural / agricultural life.   Their rituals connected them with meaning outside the events of their individual lives.

I feel that it is by getting back to that cycle of traditions that I can find a way to become reconnected with the meaning of life.  We are born, we have our own living cycle, and then when life’s journey is done we pass into the next stage, the unknowns of death and the “afterlife”.   In the process we have jobs and families, but they are not really the meaning of life, they are ultimately only a part of the life we lead.  They are what we do with the life we have been given.   The meaning of life comes back directly to the process of being connected to the universe and playing our role in that greater sphere.

My “year of the mountain” is the search for those elements that bring meaning into my life. I hope to discover in this uphill struggle, a way to reconnect with an essential something within me.  This year is my pilgrimage up that mountain, to my own personal “medicine wheel”.  This year is one of focusing on learning and growing, of examining and questioning.  It is a year of challenging my beliefs and changing my goals or directions as required, not because it is what I want to do, but because it is what I need to do to move forward.  It is a year of creating connections, defining values and establishing rituals that enrich each day with meaning.

What I find interesting heading up the mountain is that I feel more focused.  I know where I am headed.  Not that the path is always clear before my feet, for I still suffer from doubts and confusion.  But there is this comfort of knowing the direction that I am headed, “UP”.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 – 01 – 30 

Link to my Facebook Reflections page