tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57940035898715801382024-03-24T00:10:14.431-07:00Reflections on Life Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.comBlogger198125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-3506956815957668652023-02-04T10:10:00.002-08:002023-02-04T10:10:49.524-08:00My Daily Reflections: Moving from Break Down to Break Through <p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b> <i><span style="color: #0070c0;">“People cry, not
because they are weak, but because they have been strong for too long.” </span></i></b></span><b style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: #0070c0;">~ Johnny Depp <span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></b></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqd8As96jlaHP4jHDsgyhGLJjqYSgVw_MKYPwQV2DwdGk6pSIJ0mfDhinZJIPGNGngmaROK7UVRO7SA0BnYYS1mFwCSf-jMZDBhDIreFAA3rUN1ZfcwK5TYRRQY3Orr1ziN2h9McS_K7oW92n6fjdY5UXQWX05H1b1Zdjy7VV172lHYNgHhyh91LJa/s1920/people-gdb6c265ba_1920.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="1360" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqd8As96jlaHP4jHDsgyhGLJjqYSgVw_MKYPwQV2DwdGk6pSIJ0mfDhinZJIPGNGngmaROK7UVRO7SA0BnYYS1mFwCSf-jMZDBhDIreFAA3rUN1ZfcwK5TYRRQY3Orr1ziN2h9McS_K7oW92n6fjdY5UXQWX05H1b1Zdjy7VV172lHYNgHhyh91LJa/w284-h400/people-gdb6c265ba_1920.jpg" width="284" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">by Tsukikio Kiyomidzu</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">It has been my experience, that a ‘break down’ is simply the
final sign of having been strong for too long. </span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">The very same person who takes on
other people’s negativity, abuse, verbal put-downs, judgements and criticisms
in silence, while attempting to keep the peace in relationships that shouldn’t be, but
are abusive, is that one who finally can’t carry the load of self deprecation
anymore. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">You fall into the abyss of weeping for all that you can no longer
carry and think yourself weak. You weep for all you have lost as you
ponder why others felt they had a right to treat you so hurtfully. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">The first step to healing is break down. To be destroyed, to
fall into a valley of sadness, despair and depression. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Slowly, if you are fortunate and have the right support and
resources; the light comes on and you realize; “I am not bad or weak, I have
simply been the recipient of too much degradation.”</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">This is when you realize that the strong self, that part of
you which fights back, which rebounds with optimism and self-worth has simply
become too overpowered and overwhelmed to continue the battle.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">That is when the journey changes from ‘break down’ to
‘break through.’ The blindness of accepting other people’s negative words and behaviours
falls away and self-worth rebounds stronger than ever.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">The moment you speak the words “I do not and never did,
deserve to be treated this way”; is like a giant weight off of your spiritual
shoulders. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">It is when you begin to respond to slights, and disrespect
differently. You no longer buy into the gaslighting that it is somehow your fault when others speak unkindly or even abusively, when they treat you badly or disrespectfully, or even that you are supposed to just back down and “take it”. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">This is when you begin to speak up in self-defense against cruelty disguised as "helpful advice" or even worse "concern about your well-being." </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">This is when your new awareness of your own worth begins to speak up and expose or reveals to you those who enjoyed "putting you in your place". </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">You recognize these
people because when you stand up for yourself they call you names, like
selfish, full of yourself, ungrateful, overly sensitive etc. They even try to
tell you that you deserved to be treated badly, that it was your fault. Some
even stop talking to you, and remove themselves from your life simply because
you stop being the quiet recipient of their abusive language and behaviour.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Weeping can be the
floodgate releasing the flow of all that you can be, all that you can
become. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">RDM<o:p></o:p></span></p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">2023 – 02 –
04 <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><div style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"></span></p><div><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: as marked or unknown </span></span></div><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p><p></p>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-43770204822719432462023-01-12T10:25:00.005-08:002023-01-12T10:31:32.129-08:00My Daily Reflection: I'm tired of being the good girl.<p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtPCo_OwdJtVpcetaYDInVPhBUyOdJhP1mQVblFwRVZwFRDHYYMzsCqIi78PWJO8qGYFDrpKNguF0nb35EbpGrM4qoq7d27QlVU93JZa04B-McQi-kSmqwkjRCsc4jEBg87K6cEkhvPY2SLmL3uE04V3x4t1qBG2WBIHJxN6C0fl7p-LfHKdzKm5UC/s284/Picture1.png" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="133" data-original-width="284" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtPCo_OwdJtVpcetaYDInVPhBUyOdJhP1mQVblFwRVZwFRDHYYMzsCqIi78PWJO8qGYFDrpKNguF0nb35EbpGrM4qoq7d27QlVU93JZa04B-McQi-kSmqwkjRCsc4jEBg87K6cEkhvPY2SLmL3uE04V3x4t1qBG2WBIHJxN6C0fl7p-LfHKdzKm5UC/w400-h188/Picture1.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">I am tired of being good all the time!<br /></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Being good has meant that in my relationships I was not
allowed to complain. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Good people don't
point out other people's shortcomings! </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Good people don't
make other people feel bad about themselves by pointing out their hurtful
behaviour.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Good people forgive
and overlook transgressions.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Good people turn the
other cheek. </span></li></ul><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Because I wanted to
be labeled as "good" I have had to accept being treated with
disrespect, being taken for granted, being denigrated, being dismissed,
and being treated as unworthy; simply because good people are expected to grin
and bear it, and never point out the shortcomings or hurtful behaviours
of others. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Good people are
expected to silently suffer abuse, to not make waves, to keep the peace at all
costs. That is what I was taught. That is what I am now
questioning. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">I am tired of being
the good person who is willing to be walked all over. No, I am more than
tired; I am exhausted!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">If the only way
people can see my goodness is by testing how much abuse I can tolerate, then I
don't want to be good anymore.</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I want to be the kind of good where I am appreciated for the
good that I do not for the bad that I overlook. </span></b><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">2023 - 01 - 11</span><o:p></o:p></p><p><br /></p><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><div style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><p class="Style1" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: as marked or unknown </span></span></div></span></div><div><br /></div><p> <span style="white-space: pre;"> </span></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div><br /></div>
Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-83811608935527614472023-01-05T09:47:00.001-08:002023-01-05T09:47:34.935-08:00My Daily Reflections: On Being the Bigger Person <div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhLBRTwGNPqsZ3bYJWFqDzuPxgDRzzNVZRGJFShaaT8r6Xmn5lU06Y8VopctJY86fNn2Nj0emAHgvrpTwY44d411UqJQu-CmHuuDqNFeYA4s4k1UA9WOggXRbXEkd-4GGhWBcvW0XSUHsTIdxZ-PrWET4kGRXhaplV0gZQHnyazowpMJ-4Cqc9M_SL/s5760/pexels-sunil-patel-599708.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3240" data-original-width="5760" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhLBRTwGNPqsZ3bYJWFqDzuPxgDRzzNVZRGJFShaaT8r6Xmn5lU06Y8VopctJY86fNn2Nj0emAHgvrpTwY44d411UqJQu-CmHuuDqNFeYA4s4k1UA9WOggXRbXEkd-4GGhWBcvW0XSUHsTIdxZ-PrWET4kGRXhaplV0gZQHnyazowpMJ-4Cqc9M_SL/w400-h225/pexels-sunil-patel-599708.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">photo by Sunil Patel</td></tr></tbody></table><div>As I read this quote I had an ahha moment. </div><div><br /></div><div>The admonishment to, ‘be the bigger person' has been the messaging that has controlled so much of my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have come to realize that in being told to be the ‘bigger person’ what I was actually being told to do was to overlook bad behaviour, make excuses for the other person’s bad behaviour, and in the process to accept disrespect from others. </div><div><br /></div><div>The underlying message was that if I was unhappy about being disrespected it was because I was at fault for not being a “big enough” person to overlook their disrespect. I was the problem, not those who were disrespectful.</div><div><br /></div><div>This quote I find validating, because it puts on the table to be examined, the fact that I have to be bigger because they are smaller. It is not that I am not being 'big enough', but rather, that they are small. The fault is not mine it is theirs. </div><div><br /></div><div>And that of course begs the question, why do I let these ‘small people’ control so much of my mind space? What do I have to prove? And why should I have to prove myself in the first place?</div><div><br /></div><div>When I read this quote, I feel freedom, freedom from needing to prove to anyone that I am a better person by accepting disrespect! Really! What a bunch of hogwash I have believed! </div><div><br /></div><div>If the only way I can be a better person is by accepting disrespectful abusive behaviour and words from others; then I have to question; is that the kind of better person I want to be?</div><div><br /></div></span></div><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><div><b>I want to be a better person because of what I do not because of what I overlook.</b></div></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><div><b><br /></b></div></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><div><b>I want to be active in the process of doing better not passive in the ability to overlook more!</b></div></span></div></blockquote><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><div><br /></div><div>So I will be giving less mental space to the ‘little people’ who want me to overlook their unkindness and will thus have more mental energy / space to give towards being a better version of myself to the ‘big people’ in my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Renate Dundys Marrello </div><div>2023 – 01 – 05</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><p class="Style1" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: as marked or unknown </span></span></div></div></span></div><div><br /></div>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-39457174416422642312022-11-19T04:28:00.004-08:002022-11-19T04:37:05.056-08:00Post estrangement: “no more making myself smaller to fit in”<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_xUpvRDyakYY0bB5SnCvmPFj4uHJcaWFh8uDGhU92yaIhH7ORQtMPpYAj50eD6mfXmby6-UMbzW2FG9mSlpv2FDGODxPj0AaLYVDU-3b2EGfBZnbYmclLofRgbM9dnpGJE9cErhgIKmRVJQI_VONRnGEHniSg3vMSXBw0-tEzQLrwMc5zF7-gYWnK/s1024/01%20FierceWords1-1024x928.png" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="928" data-original-width="1024" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_xUpvRDyakYY0bB5SnCvmPFj4uHJcaWFh8uDGhU92yaIhH7ORQtMPpYAj50eD6mfXmby6-UMbzW2FG9mSlpv2FDGODxPj0AaLYVDU-3b2EGfBZnbYmclLofRgbM9dnpGJE9cErhgIKmRVJQI_VONRnGEHniSg3vMSXBw0-tEzQLrwMc5zF7-gYWnK/s320/01%20FierceWords1-1024x928.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">from she is fierce page </td></tr></tbody></table><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">After a life time of being what others needed me to be, I am
finally starting </span><span style="font-family: arial;">to embrace the authentic me.</span></span></p>
<p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">It saddens me that some of those closest to me, abandoned the
authentic me because the "People Pleaser" me was the only version of
me that made them feel good.</span></p>
<p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">What surprises me is that while I am sad to see that response, I
am finally no longer missing the unease they created in my life with their unreciprocated
expectations. What I feel instead is a sense of
relief that they are gone.</span></p>
<p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Now, my only obligation is to discover more about the authentic
me that has been suppressed for so long. </span></p>
<p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Now when I express that real me in my relationships, I watch the
response to learn who cares about this authentic me and who wants to change me
to be more suitable or more amenable to their needs.</span></p>
<p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">As this whole new way of relating has opened up for me I notice
things about myself that I never pondered before. </span></p>
<p class="Style1" style="margin-left: 18pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sometimes this change is hard as old habits are
difficult to break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I notice where I
resist change and where old practices and expectations feel
"safer".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="Style1" style="margin-left: 18pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sometimes I notice the freedom that comes with
being true to myself and that the disappointed responses of others is not about
me, but about them not getting the control over me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is freedom in being responsible only
for my response and not theirs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
liberating to give others the freedom to examine themselves should they choose
to do so.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="Style1" style="margin-left: 18pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sometimes the old fear of not being "good
enough" resurfaces but I am able to redirect that thought to add "by
whose standard?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I ponder if I want
to be subjected to their standard as opposed to my own.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="Style1" style="margin-left: 18pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sometimes I fear the loneliness as I embrace the
solitude of change while I slowly build my new tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="Style1" style="margin-left: 18pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sometimes I am too much inside my own head as I
try to sort out all the new emotions and feelings about this person I am
becoming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not always able to
vocalize the transformation that is happening.</span></p>
<p class="Style1" style="margin-left: 18pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18pt;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--></span><span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes I am surprised by those who support me
and welcome the changes which they see as positive. Their support and positivity keep me
motivated. I am thankful that not all of
the people in my life were only there for my “usefulness” but because they saw
my potential “becoming” even while appreciating my best qualities and attributes
that makes me the kind, compassion and loving person that I fundamentally am. </span><b style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></p>
<p class="Style1"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Renate Dundys Marrello</span></span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">2022 – 04 – 24</span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><div style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: as marked or unknown </span></span></div><p class="Style1"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-3476839095765447522022-04-24T07:13:00.001-07:002022-04-24T07:14:08.922-07:00 Today I am pondering kindness. <p><span style="font-family: arial;">Today I am
pondering kindness. </span></p><p></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And I am not the
only one. I listened to a person on youtube
talking about the “nastiness” of some people. This struck a chord in me! Because I am kind, I tend to not call people out on their nastiness! </span></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD64qDcDgjIP4MWGiRuA5ErHTqvhadnHJjLOUcN5eLcmO0bsgOTEdYG8qIyMSyR1422CJ9RZFYQVxHf3UuXuuCgEHJ7bmh3wDFYfCtZDYNtl7Yh4YmE4BIJ1Iho4tj1IRGl02Gh9FvzeyAfJTnO4uONxPl_q4pbpbpVzb7nC-qOfmp_lTEkfxkl3Yc/s768/day%2025%20kindness%20in%20balance.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="768" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD64qDcDgjIP4MWGiRuA5ErHTqvhadnHJjLOUcN5eLcmO0bsgOTEdYG8qIyMSyR1422CJ9RZFYQVxHf3UuXuuCgEHJ7bmh3wDFYfCtZDYNtl7Yh4YmE4BIJ1Iho4tj1IRGl02Gh9FvzeyAfJTnO4uONxPl_q4pbpbpVzb7nC-qOfmp_lTEkfxkl3Yc/s320/day%2025%20kindness%20in%20balance.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">More and more I am working on overcoming this shortcoming
of mine.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">I want to be seen as a nice and
kind person and therefore I don’t speak up when someone is nasty.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">I let them get away with their nastiness!</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> <b><span style="color: #2b00fe;"> </span></b></span><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I am coming to realize that what I am in
actual fact doing is condoning their nastiness.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></b></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">As long as they think they can get away with being nasty and unkind they will
continue to do so.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">As long as I allow
myself to be walked all over, people will continue to walk all over me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I have been working on my concept of what it means to be a kind person for some
time now.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">Being kind is only one part of
the equation.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">The other part of the
equation is holding people accountable for their unkindness <b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">even when it means
they will no longer “like” me.</span></b></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">When I operate from a place of “fear” of being abandoned I keep silent in the
face of nastiness.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">When I want to be
liked and seen as kind at all costs….I do pay the price of suffering in silence, their unkindness!</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Kindness is a balancing act of giving kindness but also setting a boundary that
I will not tolerate being treated nastily.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I can be a kind person and still hold a boundary against those who would harm
me with their nasty words or actions.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">I
don’t have to allow them to “get away” with treating me badly in order to see
myself as a good person!</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">Not everyone
deserves to be in my life and keeping people in my life at all costs has kept
some very hurtful / harming people in my life far longer than they deserved.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The more I learn that I deserve to treat myself with kindness, the more I learn
that I do not have to tolerate other people’s nastiness.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have a right to have boundaries!</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">That is what it means to have kindness in
balance.</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">Not only do I get to treat
others with kindness, I get to respect my boundaries and only allow people into
my life, who also treat me with kindness in return. </span><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: arial;">I don’t have to give space to the people who believe
they have the right to be nasty and treat me badly.</span></p><p class="Style1"><b><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: arial;">Happiness
is…. Kindness in balance</span></span></b></p>
<p class="Style1"><b><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><o:p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="Style1"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: arial;">Renate
Dundys Marrello</span></span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;">2022 – 04 –
24</span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: as marked or unknown </span></span></div>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-54531174893261463572022-04-04T08:03:00.000-07:002022-04-04T08:03:25.495-07:00My Daily Reflections: Pondering the Concept of Guilt <div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Pondering this quote: </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><b><i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> “People
use guilt to try to shut down your authentic voice.” </span></i></b><br /> <o:p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjX0V963gz_BQHi4wrHTdLVvAcR_ebfL_eYRNI1sCESPvimJu3qyTz89TYWsh7IZjtd47kDhzXy5M2odm8vgaqVrXhmufHKm9ekh9j7e-EAhUbtAZqVdfBz3ti1vt49HwktbpEzDQu7uj1gUfdJrRzM2jJqk0gz3T5EHYVE9ttK-DknHfXD1Vjc06W-" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="456" data-original-width="920" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjX0V963gz_BQHi4wrHTdLVvAcR_ebfL_eYRNI1sCESPvimJu3qyTz89TYWsh7IZjtd47kDhzXy5M2odm8vgaqVrXhmufHKm9ekh9j7e-EAhUbtAZqVdfBz3ti1vt49HwktbpEzDQu7uj1gUfdJrRzM2jJqk0gz3T5EHYVE9ttK-DknHfXD1Vjc06W-" width="320" /></a></div></o:p>I see clearly now.<br /> I know who created my
guilt button <br />I see when and by whom
my guilt button was installed.<br /> I see clearly how over
and over again that button was activated.<br />
First, a pattern was created, teaching me what I had to do to be acceptable, to
be deserving of love.<br /> Compliance was given a reward
and noncompliance received the punishment of shunning.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Gradually over time, I
learned that being a good person was dependent on pleasing others. Being a good person became indistinguishable
from pleasing others. <br /><o:p> <br /></o:p>Over time, people-pleasing
became something that was expected of me. Because it became an expectation my
actions became something taken for granted.
Because it became an expectation my good action needed no recognition nor
appreciation. Over time, my good actions
no longer even received a thank you. <br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Over time, my authentic
voice, my authentic being, disappeared in the language of expectation. Doing good things for others, making the
lives of others better by overlooking their transgressions, was so natural for
me that I harmed myself in an effort to be acceptable to others. I allowed myself to be treated badly to avoid
confronting rejection and loneliness. <br />
Healing has taught me that doing good things because they are expected,
gradually became not doing the right thing because it might offend. <br />
My desire to be seen as a “good person”; evolved into me NOT doing the right
thing to care for myself. I had no conception that there were good
things that I could do that were about taking care of myself. Things like pointing out when others do
something to hurt me. In my effort to be
perceived as a good person, I was willing to allow verbal and emotional abuse. <br />
In my desire to be seen as a good person I got good at turning the other cheek
and became good at suffering abuse in silence, I became good at not saying anything
in order to keep the peace. <br />
I ended up in this place where guilt kept me doing things for others even when
I received no recognition for what I was doing for them because I had been
trained to believe that not doing for others made me a bad person. And guilt kept me silent when others
trespassed against my well-being because I had come to believe that I was
guilty of being a bad person when I spoke up for myself.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Healing has been slowly
teaching me that I am a good person. <br /> I don’t have to be a people
pleaser to be a good person.<br />I don’t have to accept
in silence hurtful language from those trying to guilt me into ignoring their
bad actions. <br />
I have learned that sometimes the good thing to do is to uninstall the guilt
button. To learn that what I am feeling
is not guilt but rather a sense of being manipulated. What I am is not feeling guilt; but an outside
expectation to meet the demands of another. <br /><o:p> <br /></o:p>This was for me a
critical observation. I am now starting
to wonder; why did I learn to equate not doing what someone else wanted me to
do with something to feel guilty over? When and why did I let my authenticity
be replaced by what others wanted me to feel in relation to what they wanted
from me? <br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>I am learning that
being a good person is quite different from people-pleasing. <br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>I am learning that
being a good person actually means that some people won’t like me. Not because I am not a good person, but because
I have now become an unmanipulable person. I am learning that those who try to convince
me / guilt trip me into believing that I am not a good person, have an ulterior
motive, their motive is to gain something from me. <br />
This thought is freeing. But the healing
is not yet done. <br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Even though I know it
is happening on one level, on another, I still feel guilt when I am being
manipulated into “giving” their desired response. I feel guilt when I am shunned for not giving
their desired response. <br /><o:p> <br /></o:p>I can logic talk myself
out of caving to the manipulative demands,
but in isolation, I continue to
battle the feelings of guilt.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Yes, my guilt button
was well and truly installed.<br /> <o:p> <br /></o:p>Renate Dundys Marrello<br /> 2022 – 04 – 03 </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium;"><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: unknown </span></span></div></span></div>
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<p class="Style1" style="text-align: left;"><o:p></o:p></p>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-30983723934271385862022-03-20T11:18:00.005-07:002022-03-20T11:35:21.034-07:00Daughter; I have moved on. <div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgdWzLMQ7jacCCQ-nfyulkKdAqddS7z0bTYrd5yf2dck-4VH0TfG7TM8dEV85Wv5OixiK6mYhOphnevPc11A0hgfXruI44wRu5J890heiVA_sQptA2IY22NS6ztJinefXNldjzQTbPmBPojtOp-agQXm-N-hMBmrBvYyy710W0nlqm7DFV18PsKkDiB" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgdWzLMQ7jacCCQ-nfyulkKdAqddS7z0bTYrd5yf2dck-4VH0TfG7TM8dEV85Wv5OixiK6mYhOphnevPc11A0hgfXruI44wRu5J890heiVA_sQptA2IY22NS6ztJinefXNldjzQTbPmBPojtOp-agQXm-N-hMBmrBvYyy710W0nlqm7DFV18PsKkDiB=w400-h266" width="400" /></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Daughter, I no longer cry. I no longer mourn. I have moved on. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have accepted that you don’t want me, like me, accept me, love me. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have accepted that what you do want to do is manipulate and control me, <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">You want to tell me how I must be to earn your version of love. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I have learned that love is not something we bargain for, <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Only people who are deeply self-centered and entitled feel that <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">They have the right to manipulate others into patterns of being <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Expected ways of serving; to be deemed to be worthy of being given love.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">I have learned that my boundaries, my saying no to your abuse<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Made you angry because I was no longer controllable, <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I cut the puppet strings you wished me to dance to, no longer did <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Your bidding simply to feel some tiny reluctant scraps of love from you. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Daughter I have moved on. I have learned what it feels like to receive love<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">From those who give love freely, with no strings attached. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have learned what it feels like to be supported, honoured and accepted<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Simply for being the kind and good hearted person I am. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have learned what it feels like be in relationship with people <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Who don’t feel the need to tell me what I ought to do to be “enough”<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Who showed me what it feels like to not be shamed into giving,<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">And giving and then giving some more while I am bleeding on the floor.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have had the support of therapists and healing groups<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Who taught me that I am lovable simple for who I am.<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">That I don’t have to do more and more and then some more<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">To be deemed worthy of someone’s acceptance and love. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Daughter, I have forgiven you, not because what you did was acceptable,<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Your actions were and still are cruel and unkind and I did not deserve them.<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I have let go of thoughts wishing you to receive your just karma. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Your actions are a reflection of who you are not of who I was or am. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I feel sorry for you and my compassionate heart feels for you<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Sadly, it is you who continues to live with your hatred and the anger <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Which festers in your heart and these negative energies are tangled up<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">In your life, the weight in your unconscious is yours alone to carry.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Daughter, I live without regrets, as I know I always did my best. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Not that I think I was perfect, but I was never cruel or intentionally unkind.<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Your unkindness was intentional, purposeful, manipulative striving to feel your superiority<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Someday you may regret what you threw away, but that will be your suffering.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">My suffering and my grieving is done; I have moved on. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">My heart is filled with love, kindness, caring and compassion. <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">My energies are light and positive. I even radiate joyfulness and laughter.<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I give and receive love in a new way now, one that is more fulfilling. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">But I have a final thankyou to give you, your actions opened up my eyes.<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Your rejections sent me on a learning journey, a path of healing which<br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">I did not even realize I needed! I learned that I do not have to beg <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">To be loved nor be a doormat to be accepted. Thank you for the awakening.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Renate Dundys Marrello <br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">2022 – 01 – 20</span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br style="font-family: "Times New Roman";" /><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="font-family: courier;">photo credit: antstang699431</span></span></div><div><br /></div>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-76800675421200627482022-03-07T11:17:00.002-08:002022-03-08T08:48:57.156-08:00Happiness is….finally being able to look back and say; “I did a good job!” <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhvG_J9_BXqtJRlUSVfcRMHjd7OfxV58nSQM183kLV8F6N4eEZr6mNV0QPp6vdXR-1mm51XZlYDCtdAKDSFzXT_K6WZYlVw7cwvnK5hL0cowx5FT0zHWnZx8IojV0R0S-kdlbfWYkFnY4LgodByHJQ6IO0E6bno0STxnblefrqP7fh7ekyyK99hKtga=s940" style="clear: right; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhvG_J9_BXqtJRlUSVfcRMHjd7OfxV58nSQM183kLV8F6N4eEZr6mNV0QPp6vdXR-1mm51XZlYDCtdAKDSFzXT_K6WZYlVw7cwvnK5hL0cowx5FT0zHWnZx8IojV0R0S-kdlbfWYkFnY4LgodByHJQ6IO0E6bno0STxnblefrqP7fh7ekyyK99hKtga=s320" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">source unknown <br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><p><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Today
marks 45 years since I gave birth to my first born. It marks the day I became a mother. </span></p><p><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">It marks the moment of greatest hope that I
could be adequate to the job of helping a new life reach maturity and become a
kind and loving person.</span></p><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">
Today I celebrate my motherhood. The hard
work and effort I put into doing the very best that I could. There are some that </span></span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;">will say I did not do good enough.</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;">All my life I have been plagued by people
telling me the many ways I failed to be good enough.</span></span><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Today I fight back, it is not that I did not do good enough, it is that my best
was not appreciated <span style="font-size: 12pt;">enough. It is easy
to find fault in hindsight. It is easy
to pick another person apart. What is
hard is picking up the pieces and learning that one was actually perfectly
adequate, even when no one else appreciated that fact.</span></p><p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When one is in the moment of making choices one makes the best
choices one can with the tools at hand. If
I had had better information maybe I could have done better. But the information I had was flawed, and the
people I had around me were also flawed, which they demonstrated by undermining
my confidence and my strengths.</span></p><p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I did not have people encouraging me or supporting me. I had people doubting me and second guessing
me. Telling me what I was doing wrong,
never celebrating what I was doing right.
So always I had to make decisions based on what I was able to do within
the confines of being told I was inadequate. </span></p><p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">
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Is it any wonder that I look back and see my own shortcomings? I have been taught to look for shortcomings
in myself. All problems were related
back to my shortcomings. No one else
ever took any responsibility for their negative contributions. It was always heaped upon my shoulders. What is amazing is that I did not break under
all the weight of self-doubt others burdened me with!</p>
<p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The good news is that I am learning to see that those opinions
are what kept me trapped in feeling inadequate and not good enough. Those opinions are lies. I did a fantastic job under extremely difficult
circumstances and I did it without encouragement and without the support of a
pat on the back, without a word of praise, or way to go! <br />
<br />
I never purported to be perfect. I am human and as a human I have made my share
of mistakes. However, I did a pretty
darn good job under the circumstances. And
I did it while I had an audience who constantly let me know that they thought I
would fail. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"><o:p style="font-size: 12pt;"> </o:p><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Happiness is….finally being able to look back and say; “I did a good job!” </span></span></span></p><p class="Style1"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">Renate Dundys Marrello </span></span></p><p class="Style1"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 12pt;">2022 - 03 - 06 </span></span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">P.S. Today also marks 13 years of being estranged by a daughter who told me over and over again how badly I failed to be the mother that she wanted. She focused on my failings, and totally overlooked my successes. (of which there were quite a few!) That is her </span>prerogative<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> and her choice and I am </span>finally<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> in a place of being able to accept that. </span></span></span></p><p class="Style1"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 16px;">With joy I see her successes and I am thrilled that she is happy in her life. </span><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">However, today, for the first time I can also say that she; in her choice of actions has failed to be the daughter I had hoped for. And that too is okay. It was not our destiny to be friends or friendly. I am sad, but I have also made peace with what was not meant to be. </span></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><br /></span></div><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><br /></span></span><p></p><p class="Style1" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></p>
<b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: #ed7d31; mso-themecolor: accent2;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";"><div style="margin: 0px;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div></div><span lang="EN-US"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: red; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-7612357292200359732019-03-19T09:32:00.001-07:002019-03-19T09:35:25.027-07:00Memories: Endings and beginnings in Scotland<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PdBcYbWDX5o/XJEXgOpVj2I/AAAAAAAAFV8/Xfi-OuasSIwZ9fxBPPiKoatAKtPBuxdIgCLcBGAs/s1600/03%2B-%2B13%2B%2Bendings%2Bbeginnings%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PdBcYbWDX5o/XJEXgOpVj2I/AAAAAAAAFV8/Xfi-OuasSIwZ9fxBPPiKoatAKtPBuxdIgCLcBGAs/s320/03%2B-%2B13%2B%2Bendings%2Bbeginnings%2B.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ruins of Lawer</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One of the interesting things about looking back at
memories is that we see things differently in hindsight than from what we
appreciated in the moment. <br />
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For example, during my stay in Balloch I arranged to meet a facebook
friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had made part of my travel mission; to take advantage of opportunities to meet and have coffee with people I had met on social
media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this was different; it was
the first time I was meeting up with a man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Woman meeting woman is less complex, for obvious reasons, but a woman
meeting a man in a platonic / friendship kind of way is a different thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The usual fears run through the mind, fears
that are perpetuated by the events enumerated in the news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I knew D.G. for several years and
we enjoyed chatting about our mutual interests in nature and hiking, meeting in
person to go for a drive and a hike was a new adventure for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At age 59 I put on my brave face, reminding
myself that the vast majority of people are good people and that only a few “bad
apples” spoil it for the rest of us, I looked forward to this meet up.<br />
<br />
It was all that one could expect from meeting a friend!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We enjoyed conversation and a drive into the Highlands,
we saw waterfalls and drove beside a loch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I got to see mountains (Ben Lawer) and walk in the Scottish
countryside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The walk we took together was
to a now abandoned village of Lawer by the shores of the loch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once again, a place I would never have found
on my own, but was able to enjoy because of the kindness of a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we walked through this now overgrown,
devolving back into nature place where people used to live; we mused on the way
of life that is being lost to the world as everyone races to live in cities and
built up areas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ending of an era has
been slowly encroaching upon humankind in the past 100 years as fewer and fewer
people have any desire to live the “old ways” existing by the strength of their
brawn and ingenuity in the bosom of nature. <br />
<br />
So as I look back on this day in my memories I am reminded that endings are a
way of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whole villages have ceased
to exist because of changing times just as relationships change because of
changing circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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Endings and beginnings are simply part of the ever changing fabric of
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t really have it in our power
to alter endings, they happen usually because of things outside our ability to control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do however have a say in new beginnings,
they only require us to look closely at our fears, ascertain their veracity and
then choose to act in such a way as to explore the possibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Healing is like that, overcoming the fear of
what we might become when we choose to become other than what we are. When we
choose the unfamiliar as the direction we are willing to explore, we become
open to the possibility of new beginnings, even when those new beginnings arise
out of the ashes of inescapable endings.<br />
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My happiness memory, aside for all the beauty of that day of adventure, is my
willingness to embrace the new while at the same time embracing a longing for
and a mourning of that which has passed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Happiness is the ability to embrace change; the sadness of that which is
over as well as the joyful anticipation of that which is yet to be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2019 – 03 – 18 </span><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photoart by Renate Dundys Marrello </span></div>
<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-15828185634910731812019-01-21T09:31:00.000-08:002019-01-21T09:31:24.987-08:00My Daily Reflections: Do I miss you? or Do you deserve to be missed? <br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1QgB3-UpGN0/XEX8sORufaI/AAAAAAAAFUo/D0l4Du75ZcM8iMP3Pyi6DrDY7o8rLUIpwCLcBGAs/s1600/01%2B-%2B20%2B-%2Bdo%2BI%2Bmiss%2Byou%2B2%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1QgB3-UpGN0/XEX8sORufaI/AAAAAAAAFUo/D0l4Du75ZcM8iMP3Pyi6DrDY7o8rLUIpwCLcBGAs/s320/01%2B-%2B20%2B-%2Bdo%2BI%2Bmiss%2Byou%2B2%2B.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One of the healing forums I attend asked this question:</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">do you miss people when you are not with
them?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I pondered that question because I find that there are
people that I do miss and yet there are those that I don’t miss, or rather that I have learned and accepted that have not earned the right to continue to be missed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />I do believe this is an important question to
ponder because there is something to be learned here about relationships and
why some relationships make us feel more comfortable than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why some relationships build us up and others
tear us down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why some relationships
feel like a duty and others like a joy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As I heal I am learning that I don't miss "some" people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have learned, during time spent in introspection, that the
people I don't "miss" are the ones that have / had a track record of
"using me".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those people who
whenever I was with them, I came away feeling emotionally drained. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those who left me feeling exhausted and I
felt relief to get away from!</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those
where the time apart is restorative and so I remained relieved not having to
deal with them.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those are the people
that I have discovered that I don't miss them when I don’t see them. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not only that when I do think about them I
feel this negative shudder about anticipating seeing them any time soon.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I do miss people who behave in such a ways that makes me
feel loved or accepted or validated because in their presence I am
authentically me and that "feels good" so I miss the "feel
good" when I am not with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />I
struggle to accept myself just as I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I worry that I am not good enough, that I am not lovable. These are the
false core beliefs that I am constantly working on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I think about this aspect of myself I
recognize that those people that most help me on my healing journey of
self-acceptance are the ones that I miss; for they reflect back to me what I am
striving so hard to feel about myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Naturally I also miss them as a person because they are the kind of
people that lift others up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They get joy
from making others feel good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t
need to put others down to feel good about themselves so they spread good
feelings to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They feel like souls
at peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss being around souls at
peace because they show me what it feels like to be a soul at peace myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They show me clearly what I am striving for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I do think that all this in some way also goes back to
attachment issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I know so far
is that attachment style reflects what we learned about relationships as a
child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />I believe I learned early that
relationships are unsafe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sometimes
I was wanted and at other times I was in the way, a nuisance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was confused about what was expected
and when; and so I learned to withdraw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But it was a withdrawing accompanied with thoughts such as; “what is wrong
with me now that they don’t want me around”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I am with those people who send me this subliminal message; one
that I receive on an intuitive level, that “sometimes I am a bother in their
lives, or that I am not meeting their expectations in some way", I feel
distinctly uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is that subtle pushing away that I sense, and I have come to believe that this is what
contributes to my discomfort when I am around them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They reinforce my “unworthy feelings”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when I am not around such people is it any
wonder that I don’t miss them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
miss the way they make me feel inadequate, their words, their tone of voice,
their looks and even their thoughts seem to penetrate my intuitive awareness
leaving a dark cloud of disappointment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am new to working out my attachment style and my
attachment issues; but I think the bottom line is that I am tired of trying to
attach to people who are not good for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am learning that if I don’t miss someone when I am not with them, then
subliminally I am getting the message that something about their behaviour,
their character is not a good match for mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I am learning that when I feel that way, such a person must be put in
the acquaintance category rather than the friend category and I must have higher walls of
self-protection when I spend time with them and above all, I can’t trust such
people with any vulnerability. </span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tIwQtMUeRZQ/XEX8r4Q47mI/AAAAAAAAFUs/16HSC-BA63If_xf7qCJbvFkqYIBwf8dlwCEwYBhgL/s1600/01%2B-%2B20%2B-%2Bdo%2BI%2Bmiss%2Byou%2B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="484" data-original-width="478" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tIwQtMUeRZQ/XEX8r4Q47mI/AAAAAAAAFUs/16HSC-BA63If_xf7qCJbvFkqYIBwf8dlwCEwYBhgL/s400/01%2B-%2B20%2B-%2Bdo%2BI%2Bmiss%2Byou%2B1.jpg" width="395" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">These are the kinds of people that use
vulnerability to manipulate and control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are fine to be around for some lighthearted moments but they are
not the kinds of people that offer emotional sustenance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I no longer feel any guilt or regrets over
not missing such people when I am not in their company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I spend time with people who see good in me, who
encourage me when I have moments of doubt, who express their joy of seeing me
as much as I feel joy at seeing them, I feel I am in the company of people of
good character, who have done inner healing work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is reflected in their body language, in
their words and the tone of voice and their actions. When in the company of
such people my intuitive awareness becomes filled with light and airiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart and spirit feels light and buoyant
in their presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when I am not
with them I miss how two light souls interacting with each other feels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">These are the friends that I find are in my
thoughts regularly and I look forward to seeing them again and I miss
especially those who live so far away that I rarely see them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These people are showing me, teaching me,
what healthy attachment feels like. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The more I attach in a good way to the right kind of people;
the more I miss not being with those kinds of people....and conversely the less
I miss those people with whom I was in an unhealthy attachment relationship
with.<br /><br />I would love to hear from you dear reader, about how you feel about missing or not missing the people in your life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2019 – 01 – 18<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span></div>
<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-15093380490725472632019-01-14T09:21:00.001-08:002019-01-14T09:21:57.431-08:00Post Estrangement: the Hazards of Being Dutiful<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YIi5MPZ5ve8/XDzDRwF9J_I/AAAAAAAAFUI/55pwuIJ8cso48aOlM5r_0x6HnhTdeLmcwCLcBGAs/s1600/01%2B-%2B14%2B%2BDUTY%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1048" data-original-width="1600" height="261" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YIi5MPZ5ve8/XDzDRwF9J_I/AAAAAAAAFUI/55pwuIJ8cso48aOlM5r_0x6HnhTdeLmcwCLcBGAs/s400/01%2B-%2B14%2B%2BDUTY%2B2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Quote: <b><span style="color: blue;"> </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: blue;">“Distance yourself from
the people who; lie to you, disrespect you, use you, put you down.”</span></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Permission to distance myself from those who caused me harm never
occurred to me until I was well into my healing journey of recovery from being
estranged. <br />
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<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Looking back now, I think one of the root causes of estrangement was that
my estranged daughter saw how I tolerated the subtle abuse from my family; the
little put downs, the jabs at my ability, the condescending remarks, the barely
hidden sneers of derision, how my efforts were not appreciated etc. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She saw the pain I experienced at family events, where I was taken for
granted, ignored, pushed aside, laughed at, teased etc. She learned that I tolerated abuse and thus she had no reservations about emulating that behaviour and becoming the same
category of abuser, the subtle kind, the paper cut kind, the kind where you don’t
bleed to death but you do bleed and hurt with each cut.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe if I had been less ‘duty bound’ to stay loyal and obedient to
family I would have set a different example. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is one of those things that I am learning in hindsight; it is not
always best to do the ‘duty’ thing believing that it is the right thing to do. Being obedient to duty alone does have repercussions
because in showing what we are willing to tolerate for the sake of family; we teach
our offspring that we don’t value ourselves.
They learn by watching that in not respecting ourselves we don’t demand
to be respected, and they learn that they don’t need to respect us either. I have
come to believe that maybe if I had had boundaries and knew how to communicate
those boundaries I would have set a different example. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I often hear estranged parents say "why do my children do this to
me when I stayed loyal to my family of origin even though they were not a nice
family, I did my ‘duty’ why don't my children do their duty?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CITFiSl_Nnw/XDy8zQgMM8I/AAAAAAAAFT8/pXSdCpLSVCklYOzkJc6Dc7aCYrnFuBmKwCEwYBhgL/s1600/01%2B-%2B14%2B%2BDUTY%2B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="455" data-original-width="600" height="242" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CITFiSl_Nnw/XDy8zQgMM8I/AAAAAAAAFT8/pXSdCpLSVCklYOzkJc6Dc7aCYrnFuBmKwCEwYBhgL/s320/01%2B-%2B14%2B%2BDUTY%2B1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I tussled with that for a long, long time. I stayed loyal to my abusers because I did
not even realize I was being abused!
That is how normal that kind of talk and behaviour was in my family. It was so normalized that I thought I was
deficient and therefore deserved to be spoken to that way! I never realized that there is a down-side, a hazard to being dutiful! No one talks about this! They only talk about how important it is to be dutiful! Being dutiful is praised and glorified and because of this we never look at the dark side! I challenge you; find a single quote that warns about what negative side effects being blindly dutiful might incur. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And because I thought it was ‘normal’ I allowed my children to watch me
being abused! Was that really the
outcome I wanted from staying loyal? Did
I really want them to learn that you stay connected to abusive people? <br />
Of course not! I thought I was teaching
them family values; that you love family even when they misbehave. I thought I was teaching them that love means
you accept people’s negative personality traits by overlooking them. <br />
<br />
Of course that is not what they learned at all.
What they learned is that the peace keeper, the people pleaser, is receptive
to being mistreated, unworthy of respect. What they learned is that I tolerate
neglect, thoughtlessness, criticism in silence.
They thought that my acceptance of such treatment made me weak. They did not see loyalty, they saw
weakness. And they chose not to be weak;
they chose to follow the example of the ones they saw were in their estimation
the 'strong ones'. <br />
<br />
That meant that they felt they could get away with being mean to me. I remember well being afraid of my own
children when they were in their teens. I was afraid of their anger when they
did not get their own way. I was afraid
when they hurled abusive words at me when I set guidelines for their safety or
for cordial behaviour. I continued my learned
pattern of backing down instead of affirming boundaries because I feared losing
their love.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Instead I lost their respect. How
can you respect a mother who appears weak to you? How can you respect a mother who tolerates
put downs? How can you respect someone
who is kind to you even after you have pointed out to them that they are inadequate? That is how my children treated me throughout
their teens. And I accepted it because I
thought that is how I showed them my love! <br />
<br />
Early estrangement cut me off from all three of my adult children. They agreed that I was the problem. They agreed that there was something wrong
with me, that I insufficient, that I was not enough, that I was unworthy of
their love. They already had no respect
for me, so why should they love me? <br />
<br />
Over time, 2 of my adult children changed their minds. They started to see what
I put up with, when the hurtful behaviours that were always my lot were now
also extended to them. They started to
experience the judgmental and critical side of our family. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They made peace and reunited with me.
Interestingly; once the healing work I did included having boundaries,
once I started sticking up for myself, my relationship with my returning adult
children improved. To what extent, it is still too early to tell. But they do
know that I no longer tolerate abusive comments to be directed at me, and their
behaviour is changing in response. Instead
of toleration; I now see glimmers of love and respect in the way they treat
me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To me this serves as a reminder that as we change due to our healing
process, we also affect a change in others.
We inevitably push away those who resent the changes in us, those who
resent that we no longer are a push over; and we draw in those who appreciate
the kindness that lead us to being such a push over in the first place, who now
find a new reason to respect and love us. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2019 – 01 – 13</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #984807; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-42191921740686585882018-11-17T05:43:00.001-08:002018-11-17T05:43:15.390-08:00My Daily Reflections: Beware Glib Avice!<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Often we read quotes and memes these days and we can see a kernel of truth, something to live better lives by if we take this advice to heart. And yet at other times, the advice that we are given seems to actually cause us harm if we apply the advice without a good measure of common sense as well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For example this is the quote that started my train of thought today.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Quote: Go and love
someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the
greatest, truest version of themselves.
When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, on is
instantly empowered. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>~ Wes Angelozzi </i></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">On the surface nice friendly advice to be less judgmental, to be more kind and loving right!? But dig </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: center;">deeper as I did today and there are some significant concerns. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Here is my thought process:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What if your natural
state is to love people exactly as they are without reservation and without
boundaries?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What if because of
this nature, you enable others to continuously use and abuse you and you
constantly forgive them without holding them accountable?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What if your silence
about exposing how they have hurt you is seen as acquiescence that you are okay
with being treated badly on a regular basis?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What if you one day
wake up and recognize that this is not good and you create boundaries and you
do have reservations and want to hold them accountable? And you start to have expectations of them
that they could be better people if they learned to treat others with
compassion and kindness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Does this quote then
imply that you should go back to allowing their abuse because you accept them
for who they are? Do you accept their meanness,
do you accept their verbal abuse, do you accept them treating you badly
all in the name of loving them as they are?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don’t I then empower
bad behaviour in the name of loving someone just as they are? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To me such advice,
given in a statement of “this is what you should do” is very confusing and even
challenges all that I have learned on my healing journey. <br /><br />It implies that I should accept harm doers
into my life and that my “loving them” will somehow magically encourage them to
become good doers. This has not been my
experience. </span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j5saAny5FZc/W_AYjrweNJI/AAAAAAAAFS8/wMmLurRdHjgh8VX2DeVkH30oY9xRGJyFgCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B11%2B%2B15%2B%2Badvice%2B2%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="550" data-original-width="550" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j5saAny5FZc/W_AYjrweNJI/AAAAAAAAFS8/wMmLurRdHjgh8VX2DeVkH30oY9xRGJyFgCEwYBhgL/s320/2018%2B-%2B11%2B%2B15%2B%2Badvice%2B2%2B%2B.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rather what I have learned
is that when I accept harm doers into my life, they feel they have the
right to continue to be harm doers because I have not protested and I have
therefore enabled them to continue doing the same harm over and over again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Also, it seems to me
that the very people who should be taking this kind of advice to heart are the
very people who think it is their right to control and manipulate others with
judgmental comments, criticisms, implications that you are only worthy of love
if and when you change. I find it
interesting that these are the very people that eschew such advice claiming
that they don't need to accept people as they are because they have the right
to tell people how they ought to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys
Marrello</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 11 – 16</span><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span>Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-4796039537124891462018-11-07T08:55:00.001-08:002018-11-07T08:55:56.469-08:00post estrangement: confronting the "toxic normal" <br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ims7qqwh-rg/W-MWN4TPNGI/AAAAAAAAFSU/YLpIefQYDu40hhQ_j4ItOmxc5gKLILqQgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B11%2B%2B06%2Btoxic%2Bnormal%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ims7qqwh-rg/W-MWN4TPNGI/AAAAAAAAFSU/YLpIefQYDu40hhQ_j4ItOmxc5gKLILqQgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B11%2B%2B06%2Btoxic%2Bnormal%2B%2B.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Quote:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“what you allow is what
will continue.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What if what you
have been trained to allow is not in your best interest?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if you have been taught to accept “toxic”
as “normal”?<br />
<br />
I think this is the dilemma that faces most people who are forced on a path of
emotional breakthrough!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We walk around
for most of our lives allowing others to disrespect us, to put us down, to tell
us how we ought to be, and what we ought to do to make others happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And we think that
this is how relationships work simply because it is all we have ever
known. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We accept the
negative comments about us and assume that we are at fault and that we deserve
it because of some deficiency in ourselves!
We strive then, to fix our own inadequacies to meet the standards that
others imply we are not meeting! And we
fail over and over again. We begin to
believe on some level that we really are the problem and that if only we could
get it right then we would be treated better. <br />
<br />
Usually the reason we set out on a healing journey is because some incident
happened in our lives that made us say “stop, no more!”<br />
<br />
I know that is what happened for me. I
was in a situation where all the issues were my fault. Everything, that was wrong and every problem was
because of my inadequacy. I was to bear
the full burden of being not good enough.
And then, instead of talking to me about how to resolve the problem
(which would have meant listening to my side of the story), it was easier to
discard me. That was the beginning of my
estrangement journey. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being totally broken
and abandoned and told that I was defective is the rock bottom place from which
I had to pick myself up from. And now that I am this far along in my healing
journey, the saddest thing is knowing, that I allowed it to happen! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I allowed myself to be disrespected in little
ways dozens of times for so many years that disrespecting me was considered normal. A normal way to manipulate me into doing what
others wanted of me. A normal way of demeaning me so that I would always see
myself as the problem and not the hurtful words of the other person. I had been conditioned to accept toxic
behaviour toward me as normal! <br />
<br />
For me; what others claimed was me having a break down (because I finally said
no you don’t get to treat me like that) was actually a break through! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For the first time in my life I questioned
the toxic normal that I had been conditioned to believe in! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I was able to start to hear other kinds of
input about what normal ought to be! And
the process was then of breaking down false core beliefs based on this new
insight! That changed what I was willing
to accept. I was no longer willing to
allow myself to be treated in the fashion that others had conditioned me to
accept, I was no longer like Pavlov’s dog salivating to the bell sound. I learned to hear the bell instead as a
warning to look for the sting of the subtle criticism, the innuendo of
insufficiency, the toxic barb designed to keep my compliant. <br />
<br />
I think that one of the biggest lesson that I have learned in my healing
journey is that I no longer have to accept when others seek to push me into
that old compliant mold. I can’t of
course change those who conditioned me, nor can I change those who discovered
how to use that conditioning against me.
My power is recognizing and understanding the behaviours for what they
are, (attempts to control me); analyzing what
the implications are for me should I comply, and then responding in a
way that preserves my dignity based on how I deserve to be treated or spoken
to. <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;">“You have zero control over anything or anyone in the outer world. Your
power lies in understanding you have 100% control in how you
respond to everything, what and who you will allow to occupy space in your mind
and life. Choice is your superpower.” ~ Barb Schmidt</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I discovered my own
power when I realized that all I had to do was choose how I allowed myself to
be treated. When I stopped allowing people to speak to me with old toxic normal
vocabulary, I changed the way I responded to the same old patterns. <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course changed
responses created changed outcomes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There were two kinds
of outcomes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The first is the
positive kind, the one where the person confronted with what their words
actually conveyed were jolted out of their complacency and recognized that
their choices were actually demeaning and that they wanted to change because
that is not what their intentions were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The second reaction
is the negative kind and for a time this one surprised me until I started to understand
the game of control better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I learned that some
people are assertive and mean no harm; they just have a different, also faulty
message that they learned and were conditioned to utilize. They also were not
taught how to consider other people feelings in response to their words. These
patterns worked for them so well that they simply continued to use them. There
is no malevolent intent, just lack of awareness. When made aware of these patterns, they
respond with acceptance, gratitude for having been given an opportunity to
change, and they then start the process of change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then there are
some people who learned that using their assertiveness to control others was in
their own best interests. They
associated with the power this gave them.
And they don’t want to give up that power. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">These are the people that doubled down and
insisted that I was the problem and that
if only I would allow myself to be disrespected then our relationship would be
fine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">These are the people that I
discovered would rather stop interacting with me than accepting that their words
had been toxic and negative. And more interestingly I discovered, they would
rather play the victim, insisting that I am at fault for not making the first
move to reconnect. Implying that I ought
to condone their behaviour, overlook their behaviour and even allow them to get
away without apologizing, thus ensuring that they could repeat the same bad
behaviour again whenever it should suit them. <br />
<br /><b>
Once you break the cycle things change. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Once you stop going
back willing to accept more mistreatment through negative words, you get either
people who are willing to work with you in a relationship that is growing and
changing and becoming more healthy, or you get people who would rather remain
estranged so they don’t have to confront their own misdeeds and acknowledge
that in some areas they too need to change. <br />
<br />
I am glad that I have broken they cycle.
I am glad that I am no longer conditioned to accept disrespect as toxic
normal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys
Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 11 – 06 </span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: "times new roman"; margin: 0px;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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</div>
Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-28290784927154977332018-10-30T07:31:00.000-07:002018-10-30T07:31:04.076-07:00You are not a kind person if.....<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rvQSzCYdky0/W9hn-F4asbI/AAAAAAAAFR8/_PJMOnMdrw4aObF1fOsNgdeCjXr27m9UQCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B-%2B30%2Bkindness%2Bpart%2B2%2B1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="267" data-original-width="189" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rvQSzCYdky0/W9hn-F4asbI/AAAAAAAAFR8/_PJMOnMdrw4aObF1fOsNgdeCjXr27m9UQCLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B10%2B-%2B30%2Bkindness%2Bpart%2B2%2B1.png" width="281" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">After writing yesterday about kindness I realized that there are a lot of
people out there who actually think of themselves as kind people. They don’t let their mean days or their mean
actions affect their self-perception. <br />
<br />
These are the people who when confronted with their meanness; shrug off the
need to apologize for their meanness! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You know the ones I mean; the ones who call you names, then say you deserved it
or it was for you own good etc. They
really don’t believe that their wounding words make them unkind! <br />
<br />
They are the people who yell at store clerks or restaurant servers and say they
have a right to complain when they don’t get what they want, but they don’t see
that the <u>“way” </u>they complain is mean, they don’t seem to realize that you can
lodge a complaint without being cruel. <br />
<br />
Of course there all the people that are kind and nice when they get their
way. As long as everything is going in
their favour they are pleasant and speak nicely. But as soon as they are not getting what they
want, as soon as life throws them a curve ball, they are ranting and blaming
and belittling others. And yet they
don’t see those actions as unkindness, they actually feel they are entitled to criticize, to hold grudges, to sit in judgments of others and to say some
of the unkindest words and take some of the most hostile actions in retaliation and yet they still think they are kind
people. <br />
<br />
There are the people that let vitriol pour out of their mouths without a second
of thought as to how the other person, the one hearing those words might
feel. Or they choose actions that harm
others such as excluding them or neglecting them. And then they make a justification citing all the reasons why;
they deserved being treated with cruelty! Thus t</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">hey distance themselves from the cruelty of their
actions and still see themselves as kind people! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">
<br />
Well as someone who has been on the receiving end of the delusions of these
people, these people who think they are kind, I am here to tell you; the people who experience your unkindness do not think you are a kind person no
matter what you believe. <br />
<br />
I am here to tell you that:</span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">you are only kind when it suits you, but you lash out in unkindness
when you feel thwarted you are not a kind person.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you are only kind when you get your own way, but as soon as YOUR
expectations are not met you retaliate with unkindness then you are not a kind
person</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you are kind as long as you get what you want but change into
rage and spew vitriol the moment you don’t get what you want; then you are not
a kind person</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you don’t consider how the other person might be feeling on the
receiving end of your verbal assault, then you are not only unkind but also
thoughtless.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you get revenge on other people for not meeting your standards
and expectations by punishing them with rejection or neglect or exclusion or
any other kind of withholding behaviour you are not a kind person.</span></li>
</ul>
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You don’t get to be
a part time nice person.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></b></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of a kind person is not during the times when things are
going smoothly.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of a nice person is how they behave during the difficult
times.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of kind person is how they act when they don’t get what
they want, when things go wrong, when mistakes are made.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of a nice person happens when they confront a shortcoming
and how they respond in a non-combative way to work toward a solution.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being a nice person
is a commitment to be kind even when you don’t get your way, even when your
needs have not been met, even when you feel aggrieved.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></b></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of a nice person is how they handle disappointment without
flying into a rant and a rage.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of a nice person is how they handle a correction or a
complaint without resorting to a fight or or the need to destroy the other person.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The test of a nice person is how they confront those not so smooth
moments in life with communication and problem solving skills without the need
to defeat the other person with slander and lies</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you are only nice
and kind when the times are easy and you get what you want you are not really a
nice person. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You are an <u>entitled</u> person
who believes that you deserve only the best all the time. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>If the difficult
times bring out your rage, your desire to inflict pain, your need to get even,
your need to destroy others, then you are not a kind person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><br />If the challenges in your life bring out the vindictive, judgmental side of
your character, if they inflame your desire for retaliation, the need to punish
and the need to get even; then you are NOT a kind person. <br />
<br />
Kindness is not something that we get to practice only during the good times. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kindness is what we need the MOST when things
are not so good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our character is not
tested when we are happy and satisfied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anyone can be nice and kind during the good times!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our character is tested by how we respond,
what words we say, what tone we take, what our reactions are and how we follow
through on our hurt and frustrated and angry moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If in those moments of testing the mean
spirited person comes out, <u>THAT </u>is who you really are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are only pretending to be a kind person when
it suits you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So please; don’t
preach to me about what a kind person you are after you have demonstrated to me
just how cruel and mean and heartless you were when you did not get your way. What you REALLY are is a selfish person who simply pretends to be kind as long as you get whatever it is that you want. <br />
<br />
Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 10 – 30 </span><b style="color: #984807;"><o:p></o:p></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: "times new roman"; margin: 0px;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span></span></div>
</div>
<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-20352680209746996242018-10-29T08:13:00.001-07:002018-10-30T07:11:56.725-07:00beware the blind side of kindness<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YgUnUA9HubQ/W9cdFMo-eQI/AAAAAAAAFRg/HlRmjbffDmEsP20JlSszcFunB42xC2E6wCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B29%2B%2Bbe%2Bkind1%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YgUnUA9HubQ/W9cdFMo-eQI/AAAAAAAAFRg/HlRmjbffDmEsP20JlSszcFunB42xC2E6wCLcBGAs/s320/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B29%2B%2Bbe%2Bkind1%2B%2B.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I read so many memes about being kind. I
seem to be inundated with them lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b><span style="color: blue;">Be kind, be kind! </span></b><br />
<br />
Here is the problem!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The people that
take such memes to heart are the ones that already are kind! </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are the
people that smile at strangers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are
the people that watch their words and don’t say things that are unkind or meant
to hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They don’t call people names
and verbally abuse other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the
people that do good deeds to others like phoning or texting or emailing their
friends regularly. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are the people who have tears in their eyes when they
point out that you have inadvertently crossed one of their boundaries and caused
them pain. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: blue;">These people don’t need to be reminded to
be kind! they already walk the path of kindness! </span></b><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I find it interesting that the people who
need the advice to “be kind” are the very ones whose character defect is that
they treat others with a distinct lack of kindness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They always show their grumpy face to the
world.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They complain about everything and
everyone.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">No service is good enough.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They find fault with everything.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They complain about every injustice whether
real or only perceived.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They regularly ignore and neglect people and
expect others to pick up the slack.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They have no trouble using emotionally
abusive language if they feel they have not gotten what they want or expect
from others. <span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">And they act like their
expectations are entitlements.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They shun and reject anyone who does not
meet their standards or especially anyone who dares to point out to them that
they were unkind.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For some reason these people remain
unaffected by all the reminders to be kind!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do they really think that those reminders
are not meant for them? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do they feel that the world owes them
kindness but they have no need to return any kindness out to the world?</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For years and years I beat my head against
a figurative brick wall being kind to people only to be casually shown abuse
and disrespect in return. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am learning that this is called “toxic
normal”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is when bad behavior /
unkind behaviour / emotionally abusive behaviour is so frequently practiced upon
us that we accept it as the way things are supposed to be. We accept it because
we have never known any differently or any better. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-US">I think I am a slow learner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But finally, with my head bleeding from the
pounding, I am learning that it</span> is not enough for me to be kind, <b><span style="color: #38761d;"><u>I have to also expect others to
be kind to me.</u></span></b><b style="color: lime;"> </b> If I don’t hold them
accountable for their behaviour they will surely continue with their toxic
normal because they simply have gotten used to getting away with it. <br />
<br />
I can’t force these people to be kind. A
million memes to “be kind” will not penetrate their thick skin of self-assuredness
that they have a special right to be unkind simply because it suits them, or
servers them in some emotionally depraved way.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZwRl4G16a10/W9cdFLhlwgI/AAAAAAAAFRk/6BeVPM8MVdE6D4t9fxQE-kAJ0fkndDXkgCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B29%2B%2Bbe%2Bkind2%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="255" data-original-width="197" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZwRl4G16a10/W9cdFLhlwgI/AAAAAAAAFRk/6BeVPM8MVdE6D4t9fxQE-kAJ0fkndDXkgCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B29%2B%2Bbe%2Bkind2%2B%2B.jpg" width="309" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">However self-kindness,
the other side of the kindness coin, means that most assuredly I do not have to
allow these people into my life or back into my life as long as they believe I,
by my virtue of kind heartedness, am an easy target for their unkindness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just because I am
kind does not mean that I have to continue to be an emotional punching bag for
others to work out their emotional pain upon. I respect their pain, I acknowledge their pain
and I even sympathize with their pain. <span style="color: #38761d;"><b><u>However that does not give them the
right to inflict pain upon me.</u></b><b> </b></span> My
kindness must stop when people start to think that my kindness makes me weak or
makes me an easy target or makes me a convenient victim or makes me abusable. <br />
<br />
So next time I see one of the “be kind” memes I will be kind, I will be kind to
myself and maintain my healthy boundaries for self-protection. And I will be kind to the people who treat me
with kindness and respect. And I will be
kind to strangers and greet them with smile.
And I will even be kind to the people who come to me acknowledging their
past unkindness and asking to make atonement.
Why? Because I know that the act
of wanting to make atonement means they have done some personal healing
work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What I will not do
is show kindness to people who abuse me with words or actions by making myself
their victim. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will with kindness
however give them the space to feel my absence so that they can maybe realize
that have some healing work to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys
Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 10 – 29 <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: "times new roman"; margin: 0px;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span></span><br />
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<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-63297167766189806572018-10-11T08:08:00.001-07:002018-10-11T08:08:48.580-07:00Post Estrangement: Thoughts about Friendship <div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b0VqVoAZucw/W79mfkmP3gI/AAAAAAAAFQQ/eTGqh0ro06oawdtZlj5aWpDVruDgNOlMgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B10%2B%2Bfriendship%2B2%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="407" data-original-width="610" height="266" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b0VqVoAZucw/W79mfkmP3gI/AAAAAAAAFQQ/eTGqh0ro06oawdtZlj5aWpDVruDgNOlMgCLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B10%2B%2Bfriendship%2B2%2B%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Danial Laport quote: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"On our dark days, our exhausted days
we may think that no one is celebrating us…but there is someone thanking you
for something or showing you how good you are."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I think I have had way too few of these kinds of friends
or relationships in my life. I came to realize this when the darkness of shadow
entered my life in the form of a traumatic rejection. That was when I learned
what a shallow support system I really had.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Looking back I see that my life has been filled with
people eager and willing to tell me all the ways I have let them down, who have
gleefully pointed out my failures and my faults, who have compared me to others
and found me lacking. And I accepted this because I believed they were
reflecting the truth at me. I had come to believe I deserved their
disparagement. Most of them disappeared from my life the day the shadow entered
my life and I never heard from them again. I fought for my recovery with less
than a handful of friends who stood by me. And some of those remaining friends
I lost when I started to become stronger. Some I lost when I started to say no
to any abusive put downs. Some I lost when I enforced my newly learned
boundaries. And some I lost when they became envious of me for going after my
dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As I got better, as healing transformed me and I started
to recognize that maybe I did have worth. I also was given the gift of some
incredible new friendships. Friendships that lifted me up, that saw through my
grief and into my heart filled with kindness and a longing to be loved. They
celebrated my moments of progress, they supported me thought the darker days,
they encouraged me to continue my healing path because I was worthy of being
healed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Finally, over time, I think I have come to realize that I
deserve a better class of friends. I have created a different definition of
what a friend is and in the process I have brought those kinds of people into
my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It took me a while, but I now recognize who those friends
are, and they are in the most unlikely places and showed up at the most
unlikely times. I think of them as my angels of survival. Without their
presence I might not be here today. I did not hear their messages as clearly
when my mind was clouded with negative and critical self-images. However, I did
feel their healing balm. Now I feel the warmth of their loving acceptance and
that sustains me through my darker days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have also created a definition of what friends don’t do
and now recognize those would be friends are not really friends but rather
people looking for someone else to bolster their ego. I have found a name for
them; my emotional vampires. They are the people that I know that I need to be
very careful around for they envy my happiness and they feed off of my despair.
They are the ones that claim the loudest that they love me and then stab me in
the back with actions that prove otherwise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Their words on one day may say “come here I care” and
then on other days their words and their actions trigger my “you have just been
emotionally attacked” warning button and I feel pushed away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are not to be trusted because they are inconsistent
and that inconsistency is based on the unease they feel when they feel that
their expectations are not being met by me. They have come to see me as the
solution to their self-esteem problem regardless of what the cost may be to me.
In effect they are saying it is easier to coerce my help feeding their ego
needs than to find a way to heal themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I keep my emotional vampires at a self-respectful
distance. I wear my thickest emotional armour when I am near them so that I
don’t get deluded into letting my guard down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I still sometimes have a dark day, days when I am
emotionally exhausted, days when I think I am on this journey of healing all
alone, and then out of the blue one of my angels, says the most incredible
thing, or lets me know how I have touched their hearts, or thanks me for
something that I did or said that touched or helped them. And I feel uplifted
for they helped me to see the goodness in myself that sometimes my inner critic
fails to recognize, especially on a dark day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thank you to all the friends that I think of as the
angels in my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 10 – 10</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-74583219990559078342018-10-08T11:07:00.001-07:002018-10-08T11:07:32.605-07:00Post Estrangement: Reflections on this Thanksgiving Day<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EMbRidseNYE/W7uT4a8U0uI/AAAAAAAAFP4/5R6MEeySJ7M7tt5SuwCm8e5duBTybFJRQCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B08%2B%2Bthanksgiving%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EMbRidseNYE/W7uT4a8U0uI/AAAAAAAAFP4/5R6MEeySJ7M7tt5SuwCm8e5duBTybFJRQCLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B08%2B%2Bthanksgiving%2B%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I think of this day as a day for giving thanks for the
blessings that we have. Sometimes this is hard to do when we have to face the
things that we don’t have.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For me family is something I value so much. In my life I
have done so much that has been uncomfortable for me to preserve family.</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have neglected my own needs to keep family intact.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have accepted disrespect to myself, to keep family together. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have made myself and my needs small to keep family together </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">...and in the
end it did not make any difference. Our family disintegrated when I was so worn out from trying to be everything to everyone that I became unable to give anymore. My spirit was so broken there was nothing more I could give without healing me first. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The first break happened when someone used external events; that could
have brought us closer if handled differently, to divide the whole family
between those who would talk to me and those who would not. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then, as over time some of those relationships were reborn,
others fell apart when it became clear that in healing I was no longer the totally self-sacrificing person that I used to be. </span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I dared to ask to be treated with
respect! </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I had the audacity to ask for equally divided emotional labour in
maintaining relationships!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">for the first time in my life I had the temerity to say NO and to speak up for myself!</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />And some responded by walking away and others with
confusion as they no longer knew how to relate to someone no longer willing to
give and give and give until it killed my inner spirit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As I ponder this, I think that many people see Thanksgiving
as an event to ponder where they have been shortchanged and to manipulate
events into giving them more. They see Thanksgiving as I time to tally the
balance sheet and claim that they have not received enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>So how can I be different?</b>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can be different by seeing all that I have lost, all that
I had hoped for that I have not been given and still give thanks! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have been given <b>the gift of time,</b> time for learning and reflection! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What a bountiful gift! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It has taught me to never take anything for granted because
even those things you cherish most deeply and strive so hard to protect can be taken away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have been given <b>the gift of knowledge</b> and emotional
healing! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What a bountiful blessing! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In coming to understand how personality and character
affects our relationships, I have had such an eye opening experience. Learning
that just because I feel empathy for others; that others do not necessarily feel the same
way towards me; has allowed me to come out of the naivety that kept me beating
my head against a brick wall and wondering why I had a headache.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have been given <b>the gift of mindfulness</b>, of being more
aware of the incredible gift of life and how precious each day is. I can look
at this moment and see the beauty in it, even in the midst of heartache and sadness and regret.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can see <b>the gift of having my journal writing</b> to connect
with my innermost thoughts and keep me focused on healing as a journey rather
than just a single event.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have <b>the blessing of being able to write my stories</b> and
connect with my grandson Walter; and even though I don’t know him at all in the
physical realm I have a deep connection with him on the emotional realm.<br /><br />I have been blessed with finding that <b>I am not alone</b> in this journey of recovery and that there are many other brave souls like me trying to make sense of all that has been lost. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am blessed that I did not end up going to the end of my
life journey without learning all these powerful lessons; lessons that I would
never have felt the need to learn if I had not endured the trauma of being
alienated and discarded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And so this Thanksgiving I give thanks to all the people who
threw me away, they have given me so much more than what they withheld.</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You withheld your love and I learned how to love myself
and feel deeply connected with and loved by the Divine</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You withheld your respect and I learned how to respect
myself and treat myself with kindness.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You withheld your compassion and I learned the magic of
self-care and self-compassion.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You withheld a connection because I would not change
myself enough to please you and I learned how to be authentic with myself and
that I too needed to be able to feel my emotions rather than sublimating my
feelings to ensure your pleasure.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You withheld relationship building honesty to conceal your
unending need for more, and I learned how to be brutally honest with myself
about my character, your character and the real nature of our relationship that
was based on mask wearing pretenses.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have gained so much more from being tossed away than I
ever expected to gain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Out of my sorrow has grown this bounteous gift of awareness
and understanding and even acceptance that this is how it was meant to be for
my own successful transformation to a person who loves and cares for and accepts
herself enough to expect to be treated with the same degree of kindness that I have
always so willingly offered to others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 10 – 08</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-32288904866266348892018-10-06T06:05:00.001-07:002018-10-06T06:05:33.596-07:00Post Estrangement: Did I Know You?<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am starting to
think that for me now, at this point in time, there is a huge difference between
holding a fond memory of someone and knowing them.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w3nZ4_Rl86s/W7iu9Z25GLI/AAAAAAAAFPg/vfPfyu2GXcYrqB8e0iwQBJRyihycOT_kgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B06%2Bknowing%2B1%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="205" data-original-width="245" height="267" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w3nZ4_Rl86s/W7iu9Z25GLI/AAAAAAAAFPg/vfPfyu2GXcYrqB8e0iwQBJRyihycOT_kgCLcBGAs/s320/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B06%2Bknowing%2B1%2B.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I believe rather
there are people that I used to think I knew, but who in hindsight turned out
to be people I really did not know at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>More and more I realize that the people who have abandoned me, I clearly
did not KNOW them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I really knew
them I would have known they were unhappy, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I really knew
them I would have known they were upset with me, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I would have known
that they had issues with something I had done; because when you really KNOW
someone you have a relationship with them where they tell you things!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The fact that they
did not tell me things, that they kept secrets about how they really felt about
me, meant I did not really know them at all. I only knew the mask they chose to
wear while in my presence, I only knew who they pretended to be when with me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Kuyst4W7O6c/W7it9LCb8lI/AAAAAAAAFPc/BoIWW-oyQKAb7QSLL_WWBM-oPIeSUtb4gCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B06%2Bknowing%2B2%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Kuyst4W7O6c/W7it9LCb8lI/AAAAAAAAFPc/BoIWW-oyQKAb7QSLL_WWBM-oPIeSUtb4gCEwYBhgL/s320/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B06%2Bknowing%2B2%2B.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And after they left,
I only know the thoughts they harboured about me as I discovered from the names
they called me and the way they talked about me behind my back. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">NO, that is not “knowing someone”. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">That is having been in someone’s life and not
knowing them at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That is having someone leave your life and discovering how
little you meant to them and what they <u>secretly </u>thought of you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It means discovering that they did not care enough about you to consider your feelings. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And sometimes it even means discovering how little respect they had for you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Sometimes we get to know the truth of them, only from the manner in which they leave us.<br />
<br />
Renate Dundys Marrello <br />
2018 – 10 – 05 <b><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-79201877298043483742018-10-03T10:39:00.002-07:002018-10-03T11:02:09.650-07:00My Daily Reflection: Respect <br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WpNSUl2QmLA/W7T9vrw9WcI/AAAAAAAAFPE/BcRuvQiJ0KY2sA91D_KGUlPtu4EqvCdUACLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B03%2B%2Brespect%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="153" data-original-width="330" height="185" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WpNSUl2QmLA/W7T9vrw9WcI/AAAAAAAAFPE/BcRuvQiJ0KY2sA91D_KGUlPtu4EqvCdUACLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B10%2B%2B-%2B03%2B%2Brespect%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A quote I read today:</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>“treat people the way you want to be treated, </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>talk to people the way you
want to be talked to. </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Respect is earned not given” </b></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can see the wonderful optimism of this quote however I can also see that it is not reality. We can only choose
to give respect, to live our own actions of respect. We cannot control whether others will reciprocate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Even if we do
everything right we cannot always earn respect. Yes we may deserve respect but
not everyone is willing to give respect even to those who have earned or
deserve it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We can only control our
own behaviour but we cannot control whether or not others will give respect to
us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Respect is a gift
that some give but it is always their choice!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are others who
withhold respect in an effort to control us or manipulate us into giving them
something they feel they are entitled to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They withhold respect because they use respect as a currency to gain
them something they feel they deserve or some expectation they have. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Some of the most
painful moments in my life came from expecting to be treated with respect
simply because I did the right thing or the good thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only to discover that others did not feel the
need to treat me with respect even though I acted with good intentions and with
integrity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those are the people
who use withholding of respect as a weapon to gain something for themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It would be nice if
respect were something everyone felt was a universal gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But sadly, there are those who do not live
the golden rule. They expect respect to be given to them but treat others with
disrespect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Human nature and
human behaviour remains very challenging for me to understand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys
Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 10 – 03 </span><span style="color: #984807; font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-923736694886071262018-09-26T08:55:00.002-07:002018-09-26T08:55:11.410-07:00My Daily Reflections: Pondering Responsibility <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1E4kl2i_pOU/W6uqDiXt2TI/AAAAAAAAFOc/1bJlD0AEljkeN4Wm2wtSsXN4cHbyLla2QCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B26%2Bresponsibility%2B3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="272" data-original-width="380" height="229" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1E4kl2i_pOU/W6uqDiXt2TI/AAAAAAAAFOc/1bJlD0AEljkeN4Wm2wtSsXN4cHbyLla2QCEwYBhgL/s320/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B26%2Bresponsibility%2B3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Quote I read recently:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>“no one wants to take responsibility”</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am starting to
wonder, if everyone waiting for someone else to take responsibility first, is part of the problem in relationships?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here is me all these
years hoping that others would just somehow know that I wanted to be treated
better, and hoping that they would start to treat me better! But I never
bothered to do the work until now to figure out how to teach them how to treat
me better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So does that mean
that in some small way I am complicit for being treated badly because I did not
take responsibility for learning and doing what I needed to do to create a
better platform for respect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ummZa0jH5sM/W6uqDSmO_9I/AAAAAAAAFOk/Hp_M6-Uwhdw0nSCDi8aMtOfwWnnWYwKKACEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B26%2BResponsibility%2B1%2B.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="146" data-original-width="346" height="168" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ummZa0jH5sM/W6uqDSmO_9I/AAAAAAAAFOk/Hp_M6-Uwhdw0nSCDi8aMtOfwWnnWYwKKACEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B26%2BResponsibility%2B1%2B.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I had done the
work I am doing now when I was in my twenties and my thirties, how would my
relationships have been different?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can't go back
obviously in to the past and make changes, but I can take ownership that my
failure to do so actually contributed to the relationship problems that I
experienced. I allowed it to happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That is a hard pill
to swallow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But if I can accept
that I was remiss in not doing what it took to change me, can I continue to
blame others for not changing their behaviour when they did not get any clear
indication from me that their behaviour needed changing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My expectation was
for them to change, and I felt hurt when they did not change, but in concealing
my disappointment and in not expressing my needs with clarity I actually
implied acceptance of their negative behaviours. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OUCH!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nREmNlwPCUs/W6uqExV_8fI/AAAAAAAAFOs/fhBBB_eGL0Iq2YCM2qukT-WL4bka7aGpgCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B26%2BResponsibility%2B2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nREmNlwPCUs/W6uqExV_8fI/AAAAAAAAFOs/fhBBB_eGL0Iq2YCM2qukT-WL4bka7aGpgCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B26%2BResponsibility%2B2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I had given them
clear indications of my needs and then had those needs rejected, I might have
lost the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it was
the fear of losing the relationship that transformed into a lack of my taking
responsibility for changing me and correcting my “route of least resistance”; which
was to accept that which was unacceptable. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I think taking personal responsibility is hard work. It is challenging work. It is scary work! But I do believe it is an important part of healing work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys
Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 09 – 26 </span><b style="color: #984807;"><o:p></o:p></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-7712757647514830852018-09-16T07:40:00.002-07:002018-09-16T07:40:51.759-07:00My Daily Reflections: Pity the Bully<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L6u_-KJ0UYE/W55pULXQn5I/AAAAAAAAFN0/o71ZpAcd4zEUiI7fupR0raQyESWgQwNBACLcBGAs/s1600/poem%2B79%2BPity%2Bthe%2BBully%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="922" data-original-width="672" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L6u_-KJ0UYE/W55pULXQn5I/AAAAAAAAFN0/o71ZpAcd4zEUiI7fupR0raQyESWgQwNBACLcBGAs/s320/poem%2B79%2BPity%2Bthe%2BBully%2B.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So many bullied people </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It means there are so many bullies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why oh why are there so many bullies?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What sorrow creates the bully?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I heard once that the child who is bullied <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">By their emotionally wounded parents <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Becomes a target for the school yard bully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But imagine, what pain the bully <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Must have had to endure <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To become a bully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies all around<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies at home<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies in friendships<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies in families<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies at school<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies in the workplace<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So many bullies<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bullies all around</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why does our society work on this level?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why do people like to exert their power?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why do the sensitive souls have to languish <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In anguish?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The struggle to survive all the bullies</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seems at times insurmountable!<br />
Bullied all my life I strove <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To reach my children with love, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To teach empathy and compassion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And yet I raised another bully, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Who started bullying me at age of 7. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I thought it was just childish ignorance<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A lack of comprehension.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Teaching kindness did not work<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unconditional acceptance failed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Love lavished never solved anything<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Demonstrations of compassion failed <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or maybe I failed to make myself understood<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The taunts got worse as she matured<br />
Always comparing me to other parents<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Always I was the least satisfactory of all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Always I was the one that caused her <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Embarrassment simply for being me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Always the message that I was not good enough<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Always the message that if only I were different <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then maybe she could tolerate me. <br />
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Bullies, bullies all around me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">First the elders<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then the peers <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And finally the younger generation<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The common denominator me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What is it about me that invites <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The bully to enact <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Their hostility upon me? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is it my meekness, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My humility, my desire to get along?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is it my lack of boundaries <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or my desire for peace?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why can’t we all just get along?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why must my spirit be stomped beneath <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Cruel words of judgment and comparison <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For you to feel relief? <br />
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Slowly I learn that maybe my pain <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is less than your pain.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My pain is to suffer at your hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your pain is that you only find relief <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When harming me and others like me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My pain evaporates when I recognize <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My strength, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My empowerment, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My ability to rise above your taunts, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To walk away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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As I recognize the value <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of my own goodness, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My kindness, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My ability to love even when hurting<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As I heal<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I transform<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Things become more clear to me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">On my path of love and compassion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your need to cause me pain <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is an illusion that never ends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You believe that you prolong my torment <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Never realizing <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That in doing so<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You are the source of your own torment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your only relief is finding another to torment <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then another <br />
And then yet another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For the hole of emptiness within, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The one that drives you to hurt others <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is a never-ending pit of self-deception.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unexplored reasons for your anger <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The invisible rut of your existence.<br />
Suppressed and unexpressed emotions <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Leaking out in hurtful speak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I used to feel sorry for myself <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Until I came to understand<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That your life is worse than mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I only experience your hate filled <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Excretions of pain <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">On those occasions when <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am in your presence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When the vileness <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of your inner thoughts<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Passes your lips <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In outward condemnation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or sometimes <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I reflect upon, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our past together<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And the nature of the hurting things <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You said or did to me <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You however live it constantly <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unendingly, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Even in your unknowingness,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your buried hate is your soul mate, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is your constant companion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You have no relief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You cannot walk away from yourself.<br />
Every time you look into the mirror <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You see that person who copes in life <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">By tormenting others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you ever wonder <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why you drive people away?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you ever wonder where <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those mean thoughts originate?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you ever wonder about <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your own dissatisfaction? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or does hurting others make you blind <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To your own deep inner hurting? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">How would you respond <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To know that I pity you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To discover that I <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Would rather be the victim <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of your bitter spitefulness <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Than live with the anger <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You carry buried <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Festering away inside,
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The way you are doomed to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can compassionately love you <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My tormentor<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Knowing that my torment <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Though open and apparent <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is healable, transmutable, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Transformational.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Whereas yours is deceptive,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The cesspool of existence <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You call your happy life<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Influenced by unresolved issues<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Things you fear to look upon<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Things you keep buried in darkness<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Because they are the essence <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of who you have allowed <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yourself to become. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your vindictiveness <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">First a place to hide away from <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Emotions too scary to face<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Has become your prison.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I pity you,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The bullies of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I am grateful every day<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To be your victim, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And especially I am thankful<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That I am not you. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">By Renate Dundys Marrello</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 - 09 - 15 </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span><b style="color: #0070c0;"><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
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Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-48211986930462428152018-09-11T08:48:00.002-07:002018-09-11T08:48:48.619-07:00My Daily Reflections: The Insidiousness of Verbal Abuse <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ImDgKRgUNps/W5faeFs_gtI/AAAAAAAAFNM/9bYwXsrreuob06UtEHjpvEVfZibAgFPdgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B4%2B.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="299" height="223" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ImDgKRgUNps/W5faeFs_gtI/AAAAAAAAFNM/9bYwXsrreuob06UtEHjpvEVfZibAgFPdgCLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B4%2B.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have been
pondering why verbal abuse is so insidious?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why did I suffer
from years and years of verbal abuse in so many of my relationships and do
nothing about it? <span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Verbal abuse is so easily
hidden. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Verbal abuse is
often hidden behind the veil of “I am telling you this for you own good”. Or even “I only want the best for you that is
why I have to tell you this.”</span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is hidden behind
comments of comparison or “helpful critique”.
Some verbal abusers hide their digs inside jokes or in how they re-frame the stories they tell about you. In short verbal abuse is often
disguised to appear innocent. However that
does not alter the damage it does.</span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ViHKbCYthEQ/W5fadAYJ4PI/AAAAAAAAFNQ/L4xnqgYAZwY6kBfzlfPQfU4aVYrQ9eM0ACEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B2%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="483" data-original-width="464" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ViHKbCYthEQ/W5fadAYJ4PI/AAAAAAAAFNQ/L4xnqgYAZwY6kBfzlfPQfU4aVYrQ9eM0ACEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B2%2B.jpg" width="383" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You have to know
what to look for to even realize that it is happening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Abusers don’t want
to be exposed so certainly they are not going to tell you what is
happening. They will even deny that they are
doing anything, they will act all innocent, “who me?” or “I don’t do that!” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Instead
they will imply that you are too sensitive.
They will make their habit of verbal abuse be your fault! They may even be unconscious that they are
doing anything hurtful. But even if they
are good people with an underlying unaddressed issue, verbal abuse is very corrosive
to any relationship, even the most loving. <br />
<br />
Because of this you have to sort of figure it out all on your own and they will
fight you every step of the way! They
use the tactic of verbal abuse to keep control in their lives and to do that they
must keep you under their control. As long as you are controllable you are not
a threat to them and their self-image, and they can get from you whatever it is
they need. All of their verbal abuse has
one goal, to gain some sort of advantage for themselves. They use their verbal abuse to keep you in “pleasing
them mode”, to keep you feeding their egoic needs, to use you to make them feel
good about themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-luQMyHthvS0/W5facyaX6cI/AAAAAAAAFNY/ShReFy3arHYci6mt9BW_XmtnGCiLOXHigCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B1%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-luQMyHthvS0/W5facyaX6cI/AAAAAAAAFNY/ShReFy3arHYci6mt9BW_XmtnGCiLOXHigCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B1%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Verbal abuse tears
you down, slowly and insidiously. Sometimes
it can take years and years before you hit the rock bottom of total
devastation, feeling worthless and shamed to the point that you wonder if you
really are this horrible person they say you are. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This means that most
of this learning you have to begin during your healing journey and figure these things
out while you are still hurt and confused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then you start
to realize what has brought you to this low point and you can look back and see
all those “moments” when you were verbally abused but did not recognize it. Your “gut feelings” may have known that
something was wrong…but verbal abusers make sure that you don’t trust your “gut
feelings”, because responding to your gut feelings / your intuition would break
the control cycle. <span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you are a recovering
“people pleaser” look back to see those moments of verbal abuse that kept you
locked in that pattern of behaviour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#1.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--> <b>Verbal abuse happens where
no one can see:</b> Verbal abuse is
something that abusers do in private, they make sure there is never a
witness. This is so that they can deny what
they said, imply that you misunderstood them, and make you, the victim, appear crazy
which is why it is then so easy for them to use your own sense of guilt in the
shaming process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#2.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--> <b>Feeling unappreciated: </b> Verbal abusers never appreciate the actions
of others. There is always a judgement
or a criticism or comparison. Whatever someone does it is never good
enough. They talk about others in front
of you in the same way, pointing out their shortcomings. Then when they point out your shortcomings
you think it is just them being “honest”.
However this lack of appreciation over a long period of time leaves a
sense of emptiness in the victim. It is that sense of perpetual emptiness that
is a sign that you have been verbally abused. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#3.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--><b>Name Calling: </b>Verbal abusers use name calling to control others by making
them feel inferior or shame. A shamed person will then blame themselves. A shamed person looks for what is wrong with
themselves and try to figure out what they need to do differently. A shamed person remains confused because they
can’t seem to figure out what exactly is wrong with them. That is how the abuser gets to continue the abuse because they precipitate self-doubt in the victim.<br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The most insidious part is that the names don’t have to be that
horrible. Simply being called “selfish”
for taking care of yourself is devastating! How about “you would look nicer if
you changed this about your appearance” not quite calling you ugly but
certainly implying it. Not calling you
fat directly but telling you that this “big article of clothing ought to fit
you” combined with a “look” or condescending sneer and you have the equivalent
of something just as bad as any of the horrible name calling words. How about
when someone “takes over” and does things “for you” implying that you are too
stupid to do them for yourself? These
are just some examples of different ways you can be called names without the
verbal abuser actually even saying anything that appears to be so “bad”. But your gut screams out in pain! </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#4.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--><b>Mood killers:</b> When someone feels good or is happy about something, abusers
like to kill that joy. They only feel
powerful and in control when others are less happy than they are. You have good news, they have better
news. You have a great vacation; they
interrupt and tell you about their better vacation. You are happy about an accomplishment; they
give you the deadpan face and switch the conversation to something about
themselves. You share something you are
proud of or did well, they will tell you about a friend who did it better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#5.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--><b>Attack other people’s interests: </b>
Abusers denigrate and put down other people’s interests. This is another way for them to remain in
control by making the other person feel worthless. They can do this with a simple look, a scowl, an
eye roll or simply by changing the topic to something they are interested in. They
can also do this by always having an example of someone who has more worthy
interest, or by pointing out that someone else does it better, more proficiently, or gets paid for doing it etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#6.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--><b>Abusers are always right:</b> Abusers never apologize or admit that
they have done something bad. They believe they are superior and right and
therefore you must be inferior and wrong. When a wrong action of theirs is pointed out they act
offended and go on the attack by putting you down or pointing out something
they want you to feel ashamed about. If you insist on an apology they will
avoid you or give you the silent treatment, they will play the victim and even
try to make you feel that you are a bad person for wanting the respect of an
apology. They will even try to make you feel that you are a bad person for holding them
accountable for their words. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#7.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--><b>Isolation: </b>People who have
been abused seek isolation to remove themselves from and keep themselves safe
from further abuse. They feel unsafe,
uncomfortable and anxious around people because verbal abuse leads to low self-esteem.
They fear the next attack of verbal
abuse and start looking for it and expecting it so they can set up some sort of
protective emotional armour before it occurs. They know it is coming they are
just not sure when. <br />
And interestingly the verbal abusers will then try to make the victim feel
shame or that there is something wrong with them for preferring alone time. The verbal abuser will imply with their words that
the victim’s desire to be alone means there is something wrong with them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">#8.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]--><b>Blamed: </b>Verbal abusers blame
others for everything. Nothing is ever
their fault. Even the verbal abuse is not their fault because the victim made
them do it. The victim is told that if
they were different then they would not need to be put in their place. This leaves the abuse victim feeling even
more blamed and shamed, unworthy, and not good enough. <br />
The recovering verbal abuse victim will even be blamed for pointing out the
abuse. <br />
They will be blamed for saying NO I will not allow myself to be treated this
way anymore. <br />
They will even be blamed for withdrawing from interactions with the verbal
abuser. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Recovery from verbal
abuse is possible but first you have to learn to recognize it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Recognizing verbal
abuse means that you can set firm boundaries in place and end interactions that
are verbally abusive either by stating that a boundary has been crossed,
learning comebacks that express that you caught the attempt and won’t tolerate
it; or if the verbal abuser refuses to
accept the boundary, by ending that social engagement . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am still a work in
progress. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wPMQ-PdxKb0/W5faeJRZtXI/AAAAAAAAFNY/c4WDTAiwlKkq-vQRqKL_YeSwLywrZrl7gCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B3%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="699" data-original-width="699" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wPMQ-PdxKb0/W5faeJRZtXI/AAAAAAAAFNY/c4WDTAiwlKkq-vQRqKL_YeSwLywrZrl7gCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B09%2B-%2B11%2Bverbal%2Babuse%2B3%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am learning to
listen to my gut feelings and my emotional instincts which itself is a huge
step forward. I am learning what verbal
abuse “feels like” by the creepy, crawly emotions that I feel and I respond by
honouring those feelings with justified anger at being treated badly. And
justified anger allows me to take the steps necessary to stand up for myself. I am learning that I do not have to tolerate being
treated with verbal abuse. I can take
actions to protect myself and remove myself for the source of abuse <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am under no
illusion that the verbal abusers in my life will change their ways. They have no reason to change because; see
#6, they are always right. I however do
not have to tolerate their ways as I can end the conversation or walk away to
take other measures to give myself the emotional safety that I deserve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">More importantly I
am starting to learn what relationships feel like with people who don’t feel
the need to use verbal abuse! I am
learning to recognize how wonderful I feel when I am not being attacked. I am learning what non-violent communication
feels like! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys
Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 09 – 11 </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span><b style="color: #0070c0;"><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
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Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-57786593794861910682018-07-23T10:33:00.001-07:002018-09-16T08:40:39.315-07:00Post Estrangement: How Do I Transform My Anger?<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fD25CuaF3Ho/W1YPIg_cdbI/AAAAAAAAFKM/9OSpvxtV9UU8n3uFIwsq_b6PA1cmvS8aACLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B23%2Banger%2B1%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" height="299" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fD25CuaF3Ho/W1YPIg_cdbI/AAAAAAAAFKM/9OSpvxtV9UU8n3uFIwsq_b6PA1cmvS8aACLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B23%2Banger%2B1%2B%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have spent a lot of time with anger, what it is / should be and what it
should not be but often is. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anger should be a "warning bell" that clangs "something
is wrong here, look for what is wrong". <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Instead too often we see anger as a tool to cause a retaliation action,
as in you hurt me so now I am going to hurt you back! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I had a horrible relationship with anger. It stemmed from the false core belief that I
was taught that anger is bad, you must suppress it, and you must hide it,
because only bad people get angry. I
turned that anger inside on myself, telling myself over and over again that I
was not good enough because when people hurt me I got angry ….so therefore
there must be something bad / wrong with me.
<br />
<br />
It has taken me a long hard journey to come to realize that anger itself is not
bad. It is what we do with that anger
that can very often be very bad / harmful / cruel and mean. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have come to believe that most of the mean actions of the world are
caused by anger being used to lash out rather than investigate. <br />
<br />
When we feel anger it is simply a knock on the door of our consciousness that
something is not right. Usually we are
fearful, or hurt, or dismissed or feel pushed away and that makes us feel
anger. Our first response is to want to
retaliate, to lash out, to strike back, to make the other person hurt in
response to the hurt we received. <br />
<br />
But anger all by itself, when you don’t go into retaliation mode, serves only
to inform us that something has gone wrong.
Something we hoped for did not happen, or something we did not want to
happen did happen. When I set the anger
aside, I can look at the deeper emotion.
For me most often that deeper emotion is hurt. And then bewilderment, why did that person
think it was okay to hurt me. And
finally only recently I have been able to look at their hurting of me was their
angry retaliation of their hurting. They
were unable to see their anger as a warning sign that they were hurt or afraid
and so they went right to retaliation mode.
<br />
<br />
The most insecure people I have come to realize are the fastest to retaliate
from a place of anger, because they do not want to do the work of looking deep
inside to what caused the anger. Sure
sometime they name it, but mostly it is named in a statement of blame. “They did this to me, it is their
fault”. <br />
<br />
The more secure I become in my inner awareness that I deserve to be treated
kindly, the more I can step back from people who try to harm me from their own
place of anger. I recognize that when I
explore or expose a truth they do not wish to hear, their response will be
anger. If I call out bad behaviour, the
doers of mean things don’t want to be called out on their choice of bad
behaviour, so they respond with anger.
They are quite adept at deflecting their anger outward because to look
inward requires looking at the inner darkness, the inner negativity, and the
false core beliefs around of what good behaviour actually is. <br />
<br />
As I look at what causes me to be angry and compare that with what causes
others to be angry I start to realize that I have a different relationship
toward anger than many others.</span></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I
get angry when I see injustice, whereas many get angry when they don’t get
their way.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I
get angry when I see harm being done to others whereas many get angry when they
don’t get away with doing harmful things to others.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My
anger stems from a desire for a loving and caring relationship.<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Many others get angry when they are prevented
from having control over others.</span></span></li>
</ul>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then I realize that having power over others, getting what they want
from others, having their own way is about insecurity. If you feel really threatened and insecure
then you have to “fight” to keep your position of power over others to create a
sense of security. <br />
<br />
If you are secure in yourself, you don’t need to control others, which more
often than not means you don’t feel the need to retaliate. You can see, the anger as a response, and
then make a choice to engage, or to walk away whichever suits the situation
best. When anger leads to choice then
you own your anger on a different level, your anger does not explode out of you
from a place of volatility but rather is can be transformed in a choice of
action. If that choice of action can
lead to a de-escalation of heightened emotions then you really are in control
of your anger rather than the other way around. <br />
<br />
I don’t think I am anywhere near finished with the concept of anger. I will continue to struggle with how anger
emerges in me in response to the actions and words of others. I will continue to struggle with the idea
that I am bad when I feel anger, and struggle to transform that feeling into “no
it is okay to feel anger as long as I don’t stop there”. I know I have to work with the anger and
uncover what it has to teach me, about myself as well as about the other. <br />
<br />
However the one good thing I have accomplished in my study of anger is to
realize that I no longer need to suppress my anger. Anger actually is now my friend, a friend who
is telling me “this is not okay”. I need
to listen to my friend and dig deep and inquire with humility and honesty, “what
is my friend trying to teach me?” </span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yes it was easier when I could just yell "you make me so angry with the way you treat me" when I could say "it is all your fault". This convoluted path I have been traveling as I heal has taught me otherwise. It has been most humbling but I am a better person for having done this work and for being aware that I have more work yet to do, my personal journey to being a better listener. </span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello</span></span></div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 07 – 23 </span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "times new roman";">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span><b style="color: #0070c0;"><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
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Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-22427490882203023502018-07-17T12:37:00.002-07:002018-07-17T12:59:50.863-07:00Post Estrangement: Confronting the Dysfunction of Neglect <div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5N9ypVVKsXw/W041FHo5CxI/AAAAAAAAFJI/Q-HSdI6fiAERp1BML6l5iPK3MPbL3gbZgCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect%2B1%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="600" height="210" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5N9ypVVKsXw/W041FHo5CxI/AAAAAAAAFJI/Q-HSdI6fiAERp1BML6l5iPK3MPbL3gbZgCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect%2B1%2B%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One of the traits in our family history is we don’t communicate
about feelings. We use words to judge,
to criticize, to attack, to demand. This
creates a kind of neglect that is mostly invisible. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our emotions are a core essence of who we are, and when others fail to recognize this we actually feel ignored as that aspect of us in neglected. Similarly when we ignore how another person feels and judge them only on their actions, we also ignore an essential part of who they are. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In dysfunction, there seems to be no time taken to entertain the concept that when we ignore
how our words make another person feel we are neglecting an essential part of
them, and at the same time when we don't acknowledge our own feelings we neglect an essential part of ourselves. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We learn from an early age that we
are not wanted for who we are but only for what we can do for others. We learn
from the messages they send, that what is going on in other people’s lives is
more important to them than what is going on in our emotional lives. We learn that what we feel is unimportant and
that we are not really wanted, we are an inconvenience. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dqJ6J1_Fe6I/W041ExQzKoI/AAAAAAAAFJQ/mrb_e_Tn8NI5y6dyCnDKEJ-0UNvP8lw-ACEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect%2B2%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="224" data-original-width="225" height="398" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dqJ6J1_Fe6I/W041ExQzKoI/AAAAAAAAFJQ/mrb_e_Tn8NI5y6dyCnDKEJ-0UNvP8lw-ACEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect%2B2%2B%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This message starts with the first “not right now I am busy”…which implies
that what I am busy with is more important than you!! If the parent thinks very highly of
themselves, thinks that their needs come first, then the child by default
learns the message I am less important, I am not lovable. That is emotional neglect. It is not intentional, it does not come from
a conscious part of the brain…it is a learned family dysfunction and in our
family it goes back all the generations that I know our family history! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Each generation is then left to figure out; how do I get what I need in the away
of attention? How do I get to feel less neglected / more loved? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those of us, who take the people pleaser
route, figure that if we can do enough for others we will be included; we won’t
be left out / neglected. We figure if we can pay a high enough cost in doing for others, taking on emotional labour etc. we will be able to buy what we need. Others decide that
the way to get the attention they need is through telling / commanding others how
they must comply. They will demand and
control others to get what they need. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Neither is healthy. Neither is a
real solution. </b></span><br />
<br />
The real solution is a total change from the foundation up as to what
inclusive, non-neglectful communication looks like. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What does it look like to acknowledge another
person’s needs and at the same time express the challenges or the barriers in
that moment from meeting those needs? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">How
much effort does it take to say “I see you need to talk and I want to talk to
you, but I have to finish this first”. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or
what challenge does it cause within us to put the <b><u>“this” </u></b>aside and sit with the
present moment of need? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Aren’t relationships
more important that the “task at hand”? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What about if the task at hand is a self-indulgent one? What if the message the child gets is don’t
bother me now “I am reading”, “I am watching a TV show”, “I am playing a game”,
“I am talking to a friend on the phone?”
What message does the child get? “I
am less important than a book, a movie, a game, another person”.<br /><br />What about subliminal messages that are sent out that you are of less value in comparison to something or someone else? Those messages that say "I get my needs met by doing this and it does not matter that how it makes you feel." How does that destroy the integrity of connection or relationship; of feeling valued or cherished? How does that destroy love? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If all those other things are important and I
am not; therefore I must be not enough.
How sad to grow up with and to live with that inner seed of inadequacy! And yet that is exactly what the children in
our family have been growing up with for generations. </span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vsJSBxXCDzY/W041FnCHWcI/AAAAAAAAFJc/_yLGCXM22NkskB-hSNk-OUN0Ty65a9IWgCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect4%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="354" data-original-width="236" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vsJSBxXCDzY/W041FnCHWcI/AAAAAAAAFJc/_yLGCXM22NkskB-hSNk-OUN0Ty65a9IWgCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect4%2B%2B.jpg" width="266" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When people use a “me” centered focus, then they are sending a very clear
message, my task, my enjoyment, my other commitments are more important than
your emotions, your needs! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The clear, (maybe
unintentional) message you receive into your psyche when you hear a “not now”
is; “your need is less important than MY needs”. Or, love is scarce, I don't have enough love to love myself and love you too.<br />
<br />
The foundation of change lies in the perception of what is important. The perception that emotions come before
tasks. That needs for love, for connection, for understanding, for being heard are
more important than “getting this done first”.
But how does one learn this if one has never experienced this? How does one teach the next generation that
which one has never experienced? <br />
<br />
That is the huge question and I believe that this is the question that is at
the root of most family dysfunction. How
does one change when one does not even know that change is a necessary
option? How does one change when it is
so much easier to point the finger and say “they are the problem” not taking a
moment to look at oneself in the mirror and say “how am I contributing to this
problem?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Fundamental questions we mostly fail to ask are:</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">“What false
core belief do I carry about relationships that cause me to lash out in anger at
another for expressing their feelings or their needs?”</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Why do I attack people
when they point out that I have hurt them? Why is my instinctive response to push them
away?”</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Why do I play the victim
and make it all about “ME” when I don’t like how I feel in response to a statement
that makes me feel guilty or neglectful?"</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Why do I judge people
without first ascertaining what they are feeling or what emotional needs they
have?” And why do I judge them based on “my” feelings rather than asking for their
feelings or asking for more facts or details?</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">“Why don’t I ask the
important questions like “what are you feeling?” or “why did my saying that hurt
your feelings?” or “how can we work on this together to resolve it?”</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Why is it easier to make
assumptions that the other person did or said something mean on purpose instead
of asking them what emotional place they are in that precipitated the action or
words?”</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Why is it easier to base
judgments on other people’s opinions than asking for details about the
emotional state of those we say we care about?”</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">These responses all stem from the same source, the feeling of
neglect, that emptiness inside that screams “I need filling at all costs and it
does not matter who gets hurt in the process as long as I don’t feel the pain
of being neglected. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FGRF5tKjh6w/W041E093j0I/AAAAAAAAFJU/GtaLPAgGp20YHLLECNn8Nq81536ClwYvQCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect3%2B%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="224" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FGRF5tKjh6w/W041E093j0I/AAAAAAAAFJU/GtaLPAgGp20YHLLECNn8Nq81536ClwYvQCEwYBhgL/s400/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B16%2B%2Bneglect3%2B%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">However, to answer all those questions we need to step outside the painful
feelings of neglect, we need to be able to see with self-compassion that inner
hurt child that is screaming for attention.
We need to show that inner child the care they did not receive and bring
a new way of relating compassionately with self-first; and then from that safe
place, we can bring compassion to our relationships with others. <br />
<br />
Until we can, with compassion, face our neglected inner child, we can’t fix
relationships that are skewed because of the residual effect of the trauma of
childhood neglect. Until we fix this
relationship with ourselves we can’t with compassion ask ourselves to face the
difficult questions of why we behave the way we do, even when we know (on some
level) that our actions hurt others. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is
then that we can understand that the problems are not solved by telling the
other person how to change but in bringing a changed self to the relationship.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course it requires one further step, one more very difficult accepting
step; that even when we change, and we bring a new awareness and a different perspective
to our relationships, we are only one part of the equation. Even in family dysfunction you can’t change
other members of the family! You can only change you! Every other member of a dysfunctional family
has to heal and come to their own conclusions in their own time. <b><span style="color: blue;">And for some that time may be never! </span></b> That itself is a hard reality to accept. Sometimes we just have to accept that they
will always be thoughtless when it comes to handing out neglect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They don’t even see that they are handing out neglect. They simply are too deeply enmeshed in their
own need to not feel neglected that their unconscious choices don’t even
register as being perceived by the other person as diminishing or
neglectful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">These are the people that
say with clear and determined conviction “I did nothing wrong”, or “I have
nothing I need to apologize for” or even laying blame on others with the innocuous; “you are too sensitive”. These are all statements that exemplify that
they totally believe they are in the right, because they 100% believe in their
own truth. They do not see that in neglecting your feelings they are
diminishing your worth. They are simply
looking out for #1 and your feelings get in the way! <br />
<br />
So, now you know you can’t change others, you can’t force others to learn what
you have learned. How do you deal with this
kind of generational dysfunction? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Number
one criterion is looking at what you have to do from a self-care perspective. Once you recognize in yourself that you are
dealing with dysfunction, it is important that you not return to old patterns
of behaviour. After all those patterns
did not work in the past to create a place of mental well-being for you, so don’t
fool yourself into thinking they can be made to work now! If you do you will just continue to
perpetuate the anguish that you feel inside. Only this time it will be even worse...because you will be aware that you have accepted the lie that you are indeed worth LESS. <br />
<br />
However, the true reward of recognizing patterns is that it allows you to set boundaries. And boundaries allow you to start to feel
safe. Maybe for the first time ever in your life you feel the safety of being heard, even if the only person who hears you is "self"! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This awareness gives you the authority to no longer have to freeze in
discomfort, trying to hide what you are feeling in response to what you are
experiencing. You do not have to stay
and resignedly accept what you now recognize as disrespect for your feelings. Instead you learn that you have options and
choices. The first being to acknowledge the truth of your feelings. Just that is so liberating! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I think this thought <u>"I have a right to my feelings"</u> I suddenly find that </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">the constriction around my ribs relaxes and </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can breathe! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">From this place of safety we are offered the opportunity to face the fight or flight choice. The options that were denied us when we became frozen in acceptance and inaction because we felt we did not deserve anything better because we falsely believed we were the problem. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You can choose to fight! You can try to get the others to see the
dysfunction, or you can retaliate with more hurt. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or you can choose to flee, distance yourself
from those who perpetuate this neglectful, hurtful behaviour upon you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">
<br /><b><span style="color: blue;">
Neither choice is optimal. </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: blue;">Neither leads
to a happy ever after. </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What I do know is
that fighting is exhausting, it is like hitting your head on a brick wall and
wondering why your head hurts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I also
know that distancing is painful. We are
creatures of belonging and connectedness.
When our connections are discovered to be the source of our discomfort
it still is difficult to create enough distance to feel safe. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Boundaries tell us that we have the right to our
feelings and that we have the right to say when we are hurt. They however do not help us deal with the
pain of rejection we feel when others tell us that NO they will not respect our
boundaries. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Knowing that we have a right
to boundaries does not help us deal with the pain of being told that our
feelings don’t matter to them! (another
rejection, another diminishing of our needs, another neglect). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have come to believe that the person who starts to recognize family
dysfunction, who begins to change, to take up boundary work, who starts to change
what they will allow to be done to them, who starts to say "no that is not
acceptable"; is like a solitary figure in
a barren landscape. There are no landmarks yet to guide the way. The only sign post are related to compassion. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The primary sign post must be Self-compassion. Self-compassion says; “no one is allowed to
make me feel bad and to get away with thinking that it is acceptable to do so”. So much of standing up for oneself; starting to take care of our own needs, setting boundaries etc. results in those we are standing up to for the first time feeling themselves rejected for not being allowed to continue the emotionally abusive behaviour. They retaliate with </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">word arrows as they attempt to get us to go back to the old dysfunctional game rules. If you have not built up a good healthy supply of self-compassion you will be destroyed right here on the doorstep to change.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But secondarily, beyond knowing we are disturbing the illusion of "everything was just fine until you had to start messing things up"; we must awaken compassion for those who are still
stuck in the false core beliefs that it is okay to hurt others if it eases their
own pain. When they hurt us for daring to expose the wrongness of emotional neglect, they can get vicious with their words and their actions! If we are not careful we can take up the battle cry and fight back. It is important to know that fighting back, is not an option. The only thing we can give them it the gift of time to learn and compassion for the struggles they must face in order to change themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Forgive them for they know not what they do, but don’t make
yourself a martyr to their ignorance. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Instead prepare for them a feast of acceptance
should they ever awaken and begin to realize the significance of the journey
you have taken toward healing. Be ready to welcome them should they ever come to that place of understanding that they too have to make their own journey of transformation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 – 07 – 16 <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span><b style="color: #0070c0;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794003589871580138.post-89555527284423449332018-07-06T08:48:00.003-07:002018-07-06T08:52:34.933-07:00My Daily Reflection: Pondering Boundaries and Boundary Work <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uLEO6F_S0lM/Wz-ODnghcUI/AAAAAAAAFH8/nl9uBR8oDNMBzhyt9fRnrJjFTGQA9B-UACLcBGAs/s1600/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B06%2B%2Bboundaries%2B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="159" data-original-width="318" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uLEO6F_S0lM/Wz-ODnghcUI/AAAAAAAAFH8/nl9uBR8oDNMBzhyt9fRnrJjFTGQA9B-UACLcBGAs/s400/2018%2B-%2B07%2B-%2B06%2B%2Bboundaries%2B.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you have never been exposed to the concept of personal
boundaries it is hard to get an understanding of where you end and others
begin.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This means that either you expect
others to do too much for you or you think it is your responsibility to do too
much for others.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Neither is emotionally
healthy.</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you do too much you enable the other person to do
less for themselves, less growing, less healing, less personal development,
less accountability for their actions. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you expect others to do emotional labour for you,
you inhibit your own growth because the satisfaction you get having others do
for you means you never see the need for emotional independence. </span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I believe most children are not taught emotional
boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they are lucky they are
taught about physical boundaries; you don’t hit, you don’t take without
permission, you don’t attack physically or sexually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But emotional boundaries are so tied up in what we feel
about ourselves, our worth in relationship to others,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they are connected with our intrinsic value,
our need to be loved and accepted that unless these things are explained to us
we miss them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of us integrate
boundary-less behaviour patterns into our personality and don’t even realize we
have done so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>So what do boundaries feel like?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They feel like awareness of what you are responsible
for and what you are not responsible for. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Awareness that even when people expect something from
you; you are not obligated to meet their expectations, you always have
choice. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Boundaries allow you to know the difference between a
request for assistance and an expectation of compliance. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Boundaries allow you to ascertain the difference
between being caring and being used. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Boundaries let you see when emotional labour is
balanced or imbalanced in a one way flow</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have been working on boundaries for quite a while now
and always I find a new dimension to explore, new false core beliefs to be
dismantled, behaviour patterns to be investigated or dismantled. That is why
healing is such a long term project.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I
keep coming up against things I never questioned, things that I just did out of
habit, because that is how I was trained to be, probably unconsciously, by
those who needed me to complete them.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the
fact that it is not my job to complete others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is my job to complete myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I am complete in my own right, and I allow others to be complete in
their own right, then we complement each other, which is far healthier in
relationship that being either the completor or the completed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A complementary relationship is a balance of giving and
receiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A completing relationship is
always out of balance because one person is always expected to be mostly on the
giving end so that the other person can enjoy being on the receiving end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such relationships always end up with one
person worn out and exhausted and depleted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is not emotionally healthy or sustainable and in the long run such
relationships shatter when the giver is so depleted that they have to change
for their own emotional wellbeing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What does it take to develop boundaries, to have a
healthy sense of where I end and you begin?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For me this is a work in progress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started with a statement of rights; things
I feel strongly about how I deserve to be treated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday I found this list that I have been pondering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some concepts I have already thought
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others I feel I was aware of
but only peripherally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was good to
sit with each one and ascertain the veracity within my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Concepts to be aware of during boundary work</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>It is okay to say no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just because someone asks me for something or to do
something I have a right to look at my schedule, my own needs and ascertain if
I can or should take on more. I have a right to say no to requests that would
deplete me either physically or mentally or emotionally or spiritually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Giving is a gift given freely, it is a
donation from the heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I feel like
I am being commanded or coerced into giving it is no longer a gift but a tax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">- It is not my job to fix others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is also futile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can’t force others to change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can only change myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most that I
can do is point out to them where they could turn for information to facilitate
their own healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if the only way I
can “fix” the relationship with this person is by putting on my “fake persona”
then I have to question is this really a healthy viable relationship?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>It is okay if others get angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Others get angry when I stop giving them want they
want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is something that I have
learned painfully the hard way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if
the only reason I keep giving in, putting up with unacceptable behaviour from
others is to prevent them from getting angry, then I am doing way to much
emotional labour and they are doing way too little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Note I am not talking about gross misconduct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I have to regulate my behaviour to prevent them from
experiencing frustration and acting out their anger then they are using me to
continue doing what probably deep in their hearts on some level they know is in
need of change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They know they need to
change their response to frustration but it is easier to demand that I act
differently so that I stop them from having to experience any frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is exhausting work, to always anticipate
what another person might find frustrating and then choke down on authenticity
to preserve a relationship with someone who sees themselves as so fragile they
need others to modify who they are just so that they can be not
frustrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not responsible for
what they do with their frustration or anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every one of us faces situations that make us feel frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I do not go out of my way to create frustration for others, but I also
will no longer not state what I feel so that someone else can avoid feeling
frustrated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>It is not my job to take responsibility of other people’s
behaviour</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is not on me to adjust my behaviour according to what
they might do or feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example; if I
have a goal and go after my goal and I know that achieving my goal will cause
another person to feel envious; it is not my responsibility to water down or turn
away from my goal if that goal might create a situation where the other person
might feel envious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not responsible
for their envy, they are. If they have a life set back that causes them upset,
and their response is to turn to addictive behaviours it is not my
responsibility, it is their choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This one is challenging, it is natural to want to create
joy for others and one of the ways we do that is anticipating what they
need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is what makes giving gifts so
pleasurable for us, we anticipate the joy we bring to those we care for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But this can be perverted when we find ourselves in
relationship with people who need more than we are able to give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be so subtle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Example, the friend who needs you to call or
text them all the time, who is always disappointed if you don’t do this often
enough and then finds ways to let you know that you did not meet their need to
be made to feel important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about
the friend that needs you to agree with them at all costs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You having your own opinion just makes them
so angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it really your
responsibility to anticipate their need for your compliance?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is always a good thing when working on boundaries to
pause and consider affirmations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Affirmation of truths about personal integrity, safe awareness of
individuality. Knowing that you are you and you don’t have to change who you
are simply for the comfort or convenience of others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are some that I turn to:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Nobody has to agree with me <u>and</u> no one has the right to
tell me I have to agree with them.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have the right to my own feelings and opinions and no
one has the right to tell me otherwise</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I do not have to sacrifice my wellbeing to elevate
others and protect them from the consequences of their actions.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It doesn’t matter what people think. I have my values, my conscience, and I can do
what I feel is right for me.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am enough. I
don’t have to do anything to earn “enoughness”.
My doing must come from the wellspring of already knowing that I am
enough.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have the right to focus on my own wellbeing, my own
dreams and my own happiness. No one has
the right to make me feel ashamed for taking responsibility for my
self-care. </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Boundary work is so challenging.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you have had poor or porous boundaries
people are used to you completing them. When you start to work towards being
complete within yourself and start seeking complementary relationships you find
that those who got used to you being there to complete them are unhappy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As you change, many of your relationships also
change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The users in your life become
very apparent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They become visible
because they are very vocal about their outrage that you are no longer doing
the emotional labour of completing them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It takes great emotional strength, (and if you are
fortunate, a true friend at your side), to navigate the guilt tripping you will
receive from those who do not like this stronger more independent boundaried
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Renate Dundys Marrello <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2018 - 07 - 05</span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Reflections-on-Life-118945328184756/?fref=ts" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Link to my Facebook Reflections Page</a><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My journal blog entries are copyright.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love when you share my page to spread the word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. </span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">photo credits: as marked or unknown </span><b style="color: #0070c0;"><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
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<br />Renate Dundys Marrellohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10554730481349533628noreply@blogger.com0