You are not a kind person if.....

After writing yesterday about kindness I realized that there are a lot of people out there who actually think of themselves as kind people.  They don’t let their mean days or their mean actions affect their self-perception. 

These are the people who when confronted with their meanness; shrug off the need to apologize for their meanness!  

You know the ones I mean; the ones who call you names, then say you deserved it or it was for you own good etc.  They really don’t believe that their wounding words make them unkind! 

They are the people who yell at store clerks or restaurant servers and say they have a right to complain when they don’t get what they want, but they don’t see that the “way” they complain is mean, they don’t seem to realize that you can lodge a complaint without being cruel.

Of course there all the people that are kind and nice when they get their way.  As long as everything is going in their favour they are pleasant and speak nicely.  But as soon as they are not getting what they want, as soon as life throws them a curve ball, they are ranting and blaming and belittling others.  And yet they don’t see those actions as unkindness, they actually feel they are entitled to criticize, to hold grudges, to sit in judgments of others and to say some of the unkindest words and take some of the most hostile actions in retaliation and yet they still think they are kind people.

There are the people that let vitriol pour out of their mouths without a second of thought as to how the other person, the one hearing those words might feel.  Or they choose actions that harm others such as excluding them or neglecting them.  And then they make a justification citing all the reasons why; they deserved being treated with cruelty!  Thus they distance themselves from the cruelty of their actions and still see themselves as kind people! 

Well as someone who has been on the receiving end of the delusions of these people, these people who think they are kind, I am here to tell you; the people who experience your unkindness do not think you are a kind person no matter what you believe.

I am here to tell you that:

• If you are only kind when it suits you, but you lash out in unkindness when you feel thwarted you are not a kind person.
• If you are only kind when you get your own way, but as soon as YOUR expectations are not met you retaliate with unkindness then you are not a kind person
• If you are kind as long as you get what you want but change into rage and spew vitriol the moment you don’t get what you want; then you are not a kind person
• If you don’t consider how the other person might be feeling on the receiving end of your verbal assault, then you are not only unkind but also thoughtless.
• If you get revenge on other people for not meeting your standards and expectations by punishing them with rejection or neglect or exclusion or any other kind of withholding behaviour you are not a kind person.

You don’t get to be a part time nice person. 

• The test of a kind person is not during the times when things are going smoothly. 
• The test of a nice person is how they behave during the difficult times. 
• The test of kind person is how they act when they don’t get what they want, when things go wrong, when mistakes are made. 
• The test of a nice person happens when they confront a shortcoming and how they respond in a non-combative way to work toward a solution.

Being a nice person is a commitment to be kind even when you don’t get your way, even when your needs have not been met, even when you feel aggrieved. 

• The test of a nice person is how they handle disappointment without flying into a rant and a rage. 
• The test of a nice person is how they handle a correction or a complaint without resorting to a fight or or the need to destroy the other person. 
• The test of a nice person is how they confront those not so smooth moments in life with communication and problem solving skills without the need to defeat the other person with slander and lies

If you are only nice and kind when the times are easy and you get what you want you are not really a nice person.  
You are an entitled person who believes that you deserve only the best all the time. 

If the difficult times bring out your rage, your desire to inflict pain, your need to get even, your need to destroy others, then you are not a kind person. 

If the challenges in your life bring out the vindictive, judgmental side of your character, if they inflame your desire for retaliation, the need to punish and the need to get even; then you are NOT a kind person.

Kindness is not something that we get to practice only during the good times.  Kindness is what we need the MOST when things are not so good.  

Our character is not tested when we are happy and satisfied.  Anyone can be nice and kind during the good times!  

Our character is tested by how we respond, what words we say, what tone we take, what our reactions are and how we follow through on our hurt and frustrated and angry moments.  If in those moments of testing the mean spirited person comes out, THAT is who you really are.  You are only pretending to be a kind person when it suits you.

So please; don’t preach to me about what a kind person you are after you have demonstrated to me just how cruel and mean and heartless you were when you did not get your way.  What you REALLY  are is a selfish person who simply pretends to be kind as long as you get whatever it is that you want. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 30  

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