Post Estrangement: Reflections on this Thanksgiving Day

I think of this day as a day for giving thanks for the blessings that we have. Sometimes this is hard to do when we have to face the things that we don’t have.

For me family is something I value so much. In my life I have done so much that has been uncomfortable for me to preserve family.

• I have neglected my own needs to keep family intact.
• I have accepted disrespect to myself, to keep family together. 
• I have made myself and my needs small to keep family together 

...and in the end it did not make any difference. Our family disintegrated when I was so worn out from trying to be everything to everyone that I became unable to give anymore. My spirit was so broken there was nothing more I could give without healing me first. 

The first break happened when someone used external events; that could have brought us closer if handled differently, to divide the whole family between those who would talk to me and those who would not. 

Then, as over time some of those relationships were reborn, others fell apart when it became clear that in healing I was no longer the totally self-sacrificing person that I used to be. 

• I dared to ask to be treated with respect! 
• I had the audacity to ask for equally divided emotional labour in maintaining relationships!
• for the first time in my life I had the temerity to say NO and to speak up for myself!

And some responded by walking away and others with confusion as they no longer knew how to relate to someone no longer willing to give and give and give until it killed my inner spirit.

As I ponder this, I think that many people see Thanksgiving as an event to ponder where they have been shortchanged and to manipulate events into giving them more. They see Thanksgiving as I time to tally the balance sheet and claim that they have not received enough.

So how can I be different? 

I can be different by seeing all that I have lost, all that I had hoped for that I have not been given and still give thanks! 

I have been given the gift of time, time for learning and reflection!

What a bountiful gift!

It has taught me to never take anything for granted because even those things you cherish most deeply and strive so hard to protect can be taken away.

I have been given the gift of knowledge and emotional healing!

What a bountiful blessing!

In coming to understand how personality and character affects our relationships, I have had such an eye opening experience. Learning that just because I feel empathy for others; that others do not necessarily feel the same way towards me; has allowed me to come out of the naivety that kept me beating my head against a brick wall and wondering why I had a headache.

I have been given the gift of mindfulness, of being more aware of the incredible gift of life and how precious each day is. I can look at this moment and see the beauty in it, even in the midst of heartache and sadness and regret.

I can see the gift of having my journal writing to connect with my innermost thoughts and keep me focused on healing as a journey rather than just a single event.

I have the blessing of being able to write my stories and connect with my grandson Walter; and even though I don’t know him at all in the physical realm I have a deep connection with him on the emotional realm.

I have been blessed with finding that I am not alone in this journey of recovery and that there are many other brave souls like me trying to make sense of all that has been lost. 

I am blessed that I did not end up going to the end of my life journey without learning all these powerful lessons; lessons that I would never have felt the need to learn if I had not endured the trauma of being alienated and discarded.

And so this Thanksgiving I give thanks to all the people who threw me away, they have given me so much more than what they withheld.

• You withheld your love and I learned how to love myself and feel deeply connected with and loved by the Divine
• You withheld your respect and I learned how to respect myself and treat myself with kindness.
• You withheld your compassion and I learned the magic of self-care and self-compassion.
• You withheld a connection because I would not change myself enough to please you and I learned how to be authentic with myself and that I too needed to be able to feel my emotions rather than sublimating my feelings to ensure your pleasure.
• You withheld relationship building honesty to conceal your unending need for more, and I learned how to be brutally honest with myself about my character, your character and the real nature of our relationship that was based on mask wearing pretenses.

I have gained so much more from being tossed away than I ever expected to gain.

Out of my sorrow has grown this bounteous gift of awareness and understanding and even acceptance that this is how it was meant to be for my own successful transformation to a person who loves and cares for and accepts herself enough to expect to be treated with the same degree of kindness that I have always so willingly offered to others.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 08

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