beware the blind side of kindness

I read so many memes about being kind. I seem to be inundated with them lately.  Be kind, be kind!

Here is the problem!  The people that take such memes to heart are the ones that already are kind! 

They are the people that smile at strangers.  

They are the people that watch their words and don’t say things that are unkind or meant to hurt.  

They don’t call people names and verbally abuse other.  They are the people that do good deeds to others like phoning or texting or emailing their friends regularly. 

They are the people who have tears in their eyes when they point out that you have inadvertently crossed one of their boundaries and caused them pain.

These people don’t need to be reminded to be kind! they already walk the path of kindness! 

I find it interesting that the people who need the advice to “be kind” are the very ones whose character defect is that they treat others with a distinct lack of kindness.  

• They always show their grumpy face to the world.
• They complain about everything and everyone.  
• No service is good enough.
• They find fault with everything.
• They complain about every injustice whether real or only perceived.
• They regularly ignore and neglect people and expect others to pick up the slack. 
• They have no trouble using emotionally abusive language if they feel they have not gotten what they want or expect from others.  And they act like their expectations are entitlements.
• They shun and reject anyone who does not meet their standards or especially anyone who dares to point out to them that they were unkind.

For some reason these people remain unaffected by all the reminders to be kind! 

• Do they really think that those reminders are not meant for them? 
• Do they feel that the world owes them kindness but they have no need to return any kindness out to the world?

For years and years I beat my head against a figurative brick wall being kind to people only to be casually shown abuse and disrespect in return.  

I am learning that this is called “toxic normal”.   It is when bad behavior / unkind behaviour / emotionally abusive behaviour is so frequently practiced upon us that we accept it as the way things are supposed to be. We accept it because we have never known any differently or any better.

I think I am a slow learner.   But finally, with my head bleeding from the pounding, I am learning that it is not enough for me to be kind, I have to also expect others to be kind to me.  If I don’t hold them accountable for their behaviour they will surely continue with their toxic normal because they simply have gotten used to getting away with it. 

I can’t force these people to be kind.  A million memes to “be kind” will not penetrate their thick skin of self-assuredness that they have a special right to be unkind simply because it suits them, or servers them in some emotionally depraved way. 

However self-kindness, the other side of the kindness coin, means that most assuredly I do not have to allow these people into my life or back into my life as long as they believe I, by my virtue of kind heartedness, am an easy target for their unkindness.  

Just because I am kind does not mean that I have to continue to be an emotional punching bag for others to work out their emotional pain upon.  I respect their pain, I acknowledge their pain and I even sympathize with their pain. However that does not give them the right to inflict pain upon me.  My kindness must stop when people start to think that my kindness makes me weak or makes me an easy target or makes me a convenient victim or makes me abusable.

So next time I see one of the “be kind” memes I will be kind, I will be kind to myself and maintain my healthy boundaries for self-protection.  And I will be kind to the people who treat me with kindness and respect.  And I will be kind to strangers and greet them with smile.  And I will even be kind to the people who come to me acknowledging their past unkindness and asking to make atonement.   Why?  Because I know that the act of wanting to make atonement means they have done some personal healing work. 

What I will not do is show kindness to people who abuse me with words or actions by making myself their victim.  I will with kindness however give them the space to feel my absence so that they can maybe realize that have some healing work to do.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 29

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