post estrangement: confronting the "toxic normal"

Quote:  “what you allow is what will continue.”

What if what you have been trained to allow is not in your best interest?  What if you have been taught to accept “toxic” as “normal”?

I think this is the dilemma that faces most people who are forced on a path of emotional breakthrough!  We walk around for most of our lives allowing others to disrespect us, to put us down, to tell us how we ought to be, and what we ought to do to make others happy. 

And we think that this is how relationships work simply because it is all we have ever known. 

We accept the negative comments about us and assume that we are at fault and that we deserve it because of some deficiency in ourselves!  We strive then, to fix our own inadequacies to meet the standards that others imply we are not meeting!  And we fail over and over again.  We begin to believe on some level that we really are the problem and that if only we could get it right then we would be treated better.

Usually the reason we set out on a healing journey is because some incident happened in our lives that made us say “stop, no more!”

I know that is what happened for me.  I was in a situation where all the issues were my fault.  Everything, that was wrong and every problem was because of my inadequacy.  I was to bear the full burden of being not good enough.  And then, instead of talking to me about how to resolve the problem (which would have meant listening to my side of the story), it was easier to discard me.  That was the beginning of my estrangement journey. 

Being totally broken and abandoned and told that I was defective is the rock bottom place from which I had to pick myself up from. And now that I am this far along in my healing journey, the saddest thing is knowing, that I allowed it to happen!  

I allowed myself to be disrespected in little ways dozens of times for so many years that disrespecting me was considered normal.  A normal way to manipulate me into doing what others wanted of me. A normal way of demeaning me so that I would always see myself as the problem and not the hurtful words of the other person.  I had been conditioned to accept toxic behaviour toward me as normal! 

For me; what others claimed was me having a break down (because I finally said no you don’t get to treat me like that) was actually a break through!  

For the first time in my life I questioned the toxic normal that I had been conditioned to believe in!  

I was able to start to hear other kinds of input about what normal ought to be!  And the process was then of breaking down false core beliefs based on this new insight!  That changed what I was willing to accept.  I was no longer willing to allow myself to be treated in the fashion that others had conditioned me to accept, I was no longer like Pavlov’s dog salivating to the bell sound.  I learned to hear the bell instead as a warning to look for the sting of the subtle criticism, the innuendo of insufficiency, the toxic barb designed to keep my compliant.

I think that one of the biggest lesson that I have learned in my healing journey is that I no longer have to accept when others seek to push me into that old compliant mold.  I can’t of course change those who conditioned me, nor can I change those who discovered how to use that conditioning against me.  My power is recognizing and understanding the behaviours for what they are, (attempts to control me); analyzing what  the implications are for me should I comply, and then responding in a way that preserves my dignity based on how I deserve to be treated or spoken to. 

“You have zero control over anything or anyone in the outer world. Your power lies in understanding you have 100% control in how you respond to everything, what and who you will allow to occupy space in your mind and life. Choice is your superpower.” ~ Barb Schmidt

I discovered my own power when I realized that all I had to do was choose how I allowed myself to be treated. When I stopped allowing people to speak to me with old toxic normal vocabulary, I changed the way I responded to the same old patterns. 

Of course changed responses created changed outcomes.

There were two kinds of outcomes. 

The first is the positive kind, the one where the person confronted with what their words actually conveyed were jolted out of their complacency and recognized that their choices were actually demeaning and that they wanted to change because that is not what their intentions were.

The second reaction is the negative kind and for a time this one surprised me until I started to understand the game of control better. 

I learned that some people are assertive and mean no harm; they just have a different, also faulty message that they learned and were conditioned to utilize. They also were not taught how to consider other people feelings in response to their words. These patterns worked for them so well that they simply continued to use them. There is no malevolent intent, just lack of awareness.  When made aware of these patterns, they respond with acceptance, gratitude for having been given an opportunity to change, and they then start the process of change.

And then there are some people who learned that using their assertiveness to control others was in their own best interests.  They associated with the power this gave them.  And they don’t want to give up that power.  

These are the people that doubled down and insisted that  I was the problem and that if only I would allow myself to be disrespected then our relationship would be fine.  

These are the people that I discovered would rather stop interacting with me than accepting that their words had been toxic and negative. And more interestingly I discovered, they would rather play the victim, insisting that I am at fault for not making the first move to reconnect.  Implying that I ought to condone their behaviour, overlook their behaviour and even allow them to get away without apologizing, thus ensuring that they could repeat the same bad behaviour again whenever it should suit them.

Once you break the cycle things change.

Once you stop going back willing to accept more mistreatment through negative words, you get either people who are willing to work with you in a relationship that is growing and changing and becoming more healthy, or you get people who would rather remain estranged so they don’t have to confront their own misdeeds and acknowledge that in some areas they too need to change.

I am glad that I have broken they cycle.  I am glad that I am no longer conditioned to accept disrespect as toxic normal.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 11 – 06  

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