My Daily Reflections: is this love?

I find that there is much talk about love and love being the answer but there is very little reflection done on what does it mean to act in a loving manner.

I have often heard the words spoken to me “I love you” by the very people that do things to me or say things to me that deeply hurt me.  How can this be?

I have had people tell me that they love me, and yet when I am with them I feel not only unloved but unworthy of being loved.  How can that be?

It has led me to ponder; do people actually think about what they say and / or do and how it might be perceived by the other person?

Here are some examples I have experienced in my own life journey:

o    “oh what a wonderful time I had today going shopping with XXX  we had such a great time together, I can’t believe how much fun we had”, and then goes on to list all the things they saw, tried on, laughed over etc.  When this comes from a person who doesn’t invite me to "just go on a shopping outing", how am I supposed to feel loved?  They don’t want to spend time with me but relish telling me about the time the spent with someone else!!!  Then they finish their conversation with an “I love you.”   What does that even mean? How can they make me feel so excluded and then claim to love me?

o   “I meant that with love”.  This coming from someone who has just finished calling me all kinds of names, blackened my name with malicious gossip, had people spy on me, told me in a long letter all the things that were wrong with me, excluded me and stopped talking to me.  So how do they reconcile love with those kinds of actions?  How can someone do such cruel things and then say they were meant with love?  I am still amazed when I think back on this incident that this person claimed to do this with loving intent!

o   I have been told what to do and how to be and what I am allowed to say or not say by people who claim they love me!  If they want me to be different than who I am, if they want me to pretend to be someone else do they really love me or do they love who they want me to be to satisfy their ego needs?  And if they want me to be other than I am do they really believe that this is the way to express love?  Do they consider how it makes me feel to not meet up to their expectations? 

o   “My friend XXX is such a wonderful person”, and this is then followed by a list of why they are so wonderful and that list is all about what that person DID for them.  Are they telling me that I am lacking in some way for not “doing” those things?  Or are they telling me that when I do those things I am not worthy of praise or thanks, but it is okay to make me feel as though I have not done enough because they praise others but not me?  Is this a loving action, a kind action, a thoughtful action?   Am I supposed to interpret this as love?  When they say they love me after praising another person while not recognizing my good actions are they thinking about my feelings? Is this love?

o   Being excluded by someone who claims to love you is an interesting one.  “I did not want to be a bother to you and give up my independence so I didn’t tell you that I went for surgery.”  Only to find out that they told just about every other friend and family member about that same surgery.  How am I supposed to interpret that?  What am I being punished for?  Do I come across as being bothered when asked for help?  Do I overstep the boundaries and impose upon another person’s independence?  Am I such a bad friend that I need to be excluded?  And if I am such a bad person why do they then still insist that they love me when their actions make me feel like I am being punished? 

o   “I love you but..”, and then they list my failings, what I should not do, how it is wrong for me to take care of my own needs, how I am selfish when I go after my dreams, and that when I am punished with the silent treatment and being excluded it is because I deserve it for not catering to their wants.  How is that supposed to feel like love?  Do they for a moment consider how I might be feeling to be told that I am “not good enough” but I am expected to condone such treatment as if my feelings do not count?  Is that love?  It doesn’t feel very loving.  And when take up the courage to express my hurt feelings and  to express my need for an apology for being treated to unthoughtfully;  to be told that there will be no apology because they have nothing to apologize for…is that love?  

These are just some of the examples of the bad experiences that I have had with the word love.  I think it is the most misused word in language.  For far too many; love is how they feel when they get what they want.  They see love as something they feel when they make themselves feel superior or better than others.  Love is what they get from others, and claim to want from others but far too often it is a one way street, with them on the receiving end.

When I think of love I see inclusion.  It is about how I can make a person feel accepted even as they struggle.  It is letting a person know they are cherished for who they are and who they aspire to become not for what they do or don’t do.  Love is offering another person a way to improve versus shaming them with inadequacies.   Love is seeing a person’s differences and acknowledging those differences without demeaning those differences.

Have I got the wrong impression of what love is, or do those others in my life who hurt me so deeply with their love know something I don’t know?   Some days I am so sure that love hurts.  Other days I know equally well that love should not hurt.

What do you think?

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 05 – 27

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