My Daily reflections: No longer willing to be manipulated by shamers

I have started noticing something that I never really thought about in the past. 

I notice that I no longer allow myself to be manipulated by blame and shame.

I no longer take responsibility for other people’s expression of outrage.

I no longer suppress my feelings to appease other people.

I never before observed that there are people who used their “feelings” to attack.  

Here is a general scenario:

• I express my point of view, offer my opinion or express my concerns.
• The other person does not like my point of view so they express anger towards me for daring to have that point of view.
• I reaffirm that I have a right to my view point even if it is different from theirs.
• They up the ante and call me names and tell me how horrible I am for “making them feel angry”.  
• In other words; they hold me responsible for their feelings.  
• Implying that I did something wrong, that in expressing my point of view I somehow forced them to become angry.

At this point I am left with a choice to make.

• Do I back down and allow them to shame me into retracting my opinion? 
• Or do I express my right to my opinion and that it is okay to have a difference of opinion. 

In the old days, before I learned to have compassionate respect for myself I always backed down and gave in to the person simply because I did not want to have them be “angry” with me. I went into what I called my “peacekeeper mode”.  I sacrificed my right to my opinion and I allowed their overt anger to shame me into silence.   I allowed their anger to overrule my right to my own opinion.

It is interesting that in learning and healing I have now changed. 

I no longer allow another person’s anger to shame me into silence. 

Why? 

Because I have come to realize that when they use their anger to blame and or shame me they are actually manipulating me into compliance, they are blaming me and making me feel bad about myself in order to get things “their way”.  

I am learning that those who make their angry feelings my responsibility are actually being controlling.  I am not responsible for them being angry; it is their responsibility for not being able to deal with a feeling of discomfort caused by a difference of opinion.

As I look back I see how easily I used to be manipulated by others simply by accepting that I was “responsible” for how they felt. My old people pleasing persona felt the need to appease, to back down, to give in, all for the sake to “their” happiness.  I felt on some deep false core belief level that I was responsible for “their” feelings.  This of course always required me to swallow or disregard my own feelings.  I could not have any feelings because it was my job to safe guard their feelings and my feelings got in the way.  That meant if I felt angry at being “shut down” I was forced to swallow my anger, I did this by telling myself I was a bad person for feeling angry. 

I no longer feel that way. I feel now that I deserve better.  I actually feel that I deserve to feel angry when someone tries to manipulate me with blame and shame.  It is a legitimate feeling in response to being manipulated.   It is a warning siren saying “look out your boundaries are being violated”.   I don’t turn my anger on the other person (that is what revenge looks like) but what I do now is accept the message the anger is sending me that I am being violated and take steps to protect myself from feeling guilt or shame. 

I have learned that while it is good to feel a responsibility to be kind and nice (the proper place for guilt and shame is as a reminder to act with civility); it is not good for me to allow my niceness to be used against me (where my guilt and shame is used to coerce me to change to further someone else’s agenda). 

I am learning that I must utilize self-compassion to recognize the emotional abuse of having my niceness and my propensity to feel responsibility for others people’s feelings be used to attack my value as a person of equal rights.  Boundary work means I am learning that while others have a right to disagree with me, they do not have the right to shame me into compliance.

My only questions now are,

• Why has it taken me this long to figure this out?
• Where were the people in my life that could have taught me this sooner?  
• Why am I still affected when someone tries this trick on me? 
• Why do I still harbor that nasty inner voice that says, “Maybe you should back down” and why do I have to work to hard to preserve my rights?
• Why is there still a part of me that wants to be perceived as being “nice” that is willing to suffer that pain of shame in order in exchange for the outside validation of niceness?
• When will my own self validation that I am always striving to be a thoughtful kind and nice person be enough to not lead me into the temptation of allowing myself to be controlled by the shamers? 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 05 – 29

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