Advice for you Walter from Mamma-rae

Hello Walter,

Today I read and shared with you a Jeff Brown quote. I want to focus just a bit on this statement:

“How much work are you willing to do on yourself and the relationship when the s*‪#‎t hits the fan? Are you willing to go as deep as we have to go to work it through, or are you only interested in a breezy, low-maintenance relationship?... Some of us will brave the journey; others will flee the fire.”

Most advice about relationships is always written in terms of romantic ones;  the love between a couple.  I think in today’s age we have forgotten that there are many other kinds of relationships that require the same attention and the same amount of work.  

One of the hardest relationships to make work are between parent and child once the child is a grown up.  The nature of the relationship changes from caregiver and care receiver to equals as adults, each in their own right.  Parents may be a little slow to give up on the caregiver role, but newly adult children also have a hard phase to go through, accepting that their parents make mistakes and yet in spite of those mistakes remain good and caring people.

I see this stage go wrong so many times in my work with estranged parents.  Yes dear grandson, my estrangement from your mother has led me down a path of reflections about estrangement and the writing of my thoughts has lead to a blog that is followed by growing numbers ever day.  The sad thing is the shear numbers!  So many young adults are choosing estrangement because it offers the easy solution.  It bypasses the need to work on the relationship, they “flee from the fire”. 

Maybe the parents made mistakes but for the most part those mistakes are not so egregious.  The setting of limits, the encouraging to do better and to become good citizens requires discipline and limit setting, but that is done with a desire to help the child become an autonomous adult, not from a place of desiring to do harm.

And while these young adults now shun the parents for not “handling things better” we the parents realize that our faults run rather to the things we failed to teach.  

One of the things that I failed to teach relates to the Jeff Brown quote.  I failed to teach that ALL relationships require work especially during the difficult times.  Yes I role modeled by showing how I cared for my mother and my in laws even when they were not easy to get along with.  But apparently role modeling is not enough.  If I had it to do over again I would have more sit down talks about the values of being a good friend and the challenges of working on relationships. 

I know, it would be more of the “talks” that young people hate, when mom or dad tries to teach morals and values.  But in the absence of the hated talks, children grow up to be adults that don’t realize the implications and ramifications of destroyed relationships when they are not worked on. 

Relationships are easy when the day to day pathway is smooth and unencumbered.  However, not every day is smooth; there are often bumps in the road.  I have come to believe that we are not tested on the smooth days rather we are tested on the rough and bumpy days. How we navigate those bumps determines the kind of person we are for they test our character.  Are we capable to charting a course with meaningful dialogue and communication to nurture a relationship that we value?  Or do we flee the fire to avoid the discomfort of growth?  How quickly do we learn the lesson that relationships have value and require dedicated effort?

Sadly we are now into a generation that likes things easy.  When things get tough, they bail.  Walking away is easier than the hard work of reflection and growth and change.  Walking away means not facing personal demons in favour of placing all blame on the abandoned person.  Even if the abandoned person were willing to work on the relationship they do not have the opportunity for they have been left behind as the seeker goes on to new relationships in the hopes that they have found the new perfect. 

Except of course there is no “perfect” there is only different.  And what happens when imperfections start to show in the new relationship?  Will they have learned from the past or will they repeat the easy path of running away? 

For you see dear grandson, I fear that once the easier path has been taken it sets up a pattern of abandoning relationships when the going gets tough.  It is the act of learning how to work through our first troubled relationship, the one between the child growing to be an independent adult and parent, that we learn how to manage other relationships in our lives. 

When we give up on that relationship, how do other relationships stand a chance when we have not learned the skills needed to communicate, negotiate and grow?  When we have learned that giving up or walking away is easier than learning and changing and compromise, we bring that acceptance for the “easy way out” to all other relationships on into the future.

Surely not all relationships are meant to be strong and lasting.  I accept and acknowledge that. However to not even try to work through problems before getting to a place of agreement, even if that agreement is to walk separate paths, diminishes us and diminishes what we could become. 

My wish for you dear grandson is that you learn that all relationships (not just romantic ones) have value and because of that value they deserve the effort and time taken to work through problems and issues.  I wish for you the strength of character to face those challenges with courage.  Work to reach a place of agreement for moving forward even if the moving forward is in separate directions, at least you will know with certainty that you put in the work both on yourself and on the relationship.  

I wish also for you to know dear grandson, that not every person you meet will have those values and so you must be prepared for those who toss you aside rather than work on a relationship with you.  That is just the nature of people who have learned to take the easy way out.

Love always
your Mamma-rae

2016 - 02 - 27

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Post Estrangement: learning to expand my life

I fight a constant battle to be aware of what makes my world smaller.  Focusing on the things that I have lost in life shrinks my world down to the size of the pain and the heartache. 

Every day I strive to enlarge my world.  I do this not by denying what has happened to me but by acknowledging the life changing events of my life.  I acknowledge the hurting and the pain and the sadness but then I celebrate that I am here to feel those emotions as part of a wider kaleidoscope of feelings.  And after acknowledging that the sorrow for what I have lost is an integral part of my life, I then turn to the wonders and bounty and beauty in my life waiting to be appreciated. 

• As I turn my thoughts to what I have, my world expands to encompass all the many loves and joys that I am blessed with.
  
• As I turn to face the good in my life, my world grows to embrace all the people and experiences that I can be inspired by and learn from.
• As I embrace the joy of the possibilities in the now, I leave behind the regrets of the past in acceptance of what is.
• As I turn to this moment of this day that is given to me, I acknowledge that life is what it is, even when it isn’t what I would have it be.

This acceptance allows me to expand my consciousness,  to expand my generosity and forgiveness, to expand my acceptance and compassion to include even those who have done me wrong.

The journey to enlarge my world is not an easy one, it is far easier to turn inward, to shrink from growing and living and loving again. 

I am reminded often that:

• Courage is doing what needs to be done even when it is easier to turn aside, to give up, to give in.
• Strength is doing and taking the steps, even when you feel like not doing.
• Finding a way to heal is making room for the possibility even when filled with doubt that it is even possible.

My life is bigger today because I dare to expand my world beyond grief and sorrow, because I dare to hope that life after trauma is worth living and because I have come to believe that I deserve better than I have been given; and that I will not give up until fully I realize that enthusiastic and life affirming exuberance that is my right.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 - 02 - 14

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Post Estrangement: Healing versus Grieving

I think that after being estranged there are two very distinct patterns in ours lives. 

There is grief and there is healing. 

In the beginning it is very clear that we spend our time totally immersed in the grief. We can't even see a way to live beyond the pain of the grief.  This grieving period lasts a very long time.  Each person has to know and decide when it is time to move forward into healing. No one can tell you to move on.  Those comments made by others to encourage us to move on actually create anger and even more resistance as we respond with "I need to do this in my own time".

There comes a point in time though, whenever that is, when a cry comes from the soul that says, "this is not living, I need to move on".  When that day arrives you begin healing.

What I have found though is that there remains an overlap. This is probably because of the "ambiguous" nature of our status.  We are still parents of living adult children they just are not in our lives.  And I do believe that a portion of our hearts will always remain connected to the grief of that experience. However healing mode allows us to make a life beyond the estrangement.  

Sometimes we are more in healing mode and at others we slip back into grief mode.  The important bit to recognize as this transition occurs, is to recognize when we slip into grieving again and take the counter measures to begin healing again.  

I find it is a balancing act,  I start each day reminding myself of all the steps I am taking on my healing journey.  It keeps me firmly planted on the side of healing even when I am tempted to slip back into grieving.  

What is the difference between grieving and healing?  

Grieving is looking back at what was lost and healing is looking forward to alternative might be possibilities.

There is also a clear distinction behind the ruminating questions that occupy the mind. These questions clearly help me define where I am engaging my thoughts; healing or grieving. 

When I am in grieving mode I ask the unanswerable questions. They are those questions that I can't ever know the answers to:

- Why are they doing this?

- Are they happy doing this?

- What did I do wrong? 

- What did I do to deserve this?

When I am in healing mode I ask questions that I can answer:

- What can I do now?

- What do I need now?

- What are my plans for the future that honour me?

- Where do I want to focus my energies today and tomorrow?

The good days are the days when more of my ruminating thoughts run to the second category.  My bad days are filled with ruminating thoughts about the unanswerables.

As you process the emotions of grief and then embrace the emotions of healing this is a good guideline to follow to know if you are on track.

What questions do you ask yourself?
Is it time to ask healing questions?
Are you aware of the questions that keep you stuck?
Is it time to change your focus?

Only you know when you are ready to take that next step.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 - 01 - 31

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Reflections on Core Values: Day 14 Honesty

I value honesty.  

Honesty, toward myself and others, has always been important to me. I have always tried to conduct my life from this principle or value. 

However, I have learned that not everyone shares my desire.  I have learned, mostly the hard way, that people do not want to have their delusions about themselves or their lives challenged.  I have also learned that people often use lies to shape the impression they give to the world.  They hide behind masks of “niceness”, while inside lurks a serpent waiting to pounce and destroy. My naivety has on several occasions caused me great emotional harm.

Always when I look back on these events in my life I wonder what is it about truth that people fear?  Is the falsehood of the mask really that important to their self-worth?  And what emotional need do they feed with their falsehood?

When I evaluate myself and my life I am often brutally honest, more so when it comes to those things I wish I were better at. 

Lately however I have been learning to also honestly asses my strengths and virtues.  This change has led me down a new path called self-appreciation.  To be truthful, at first this scared me!  What if in the process of accepting and validating I become vain or heaven forbid, narcissistic?  It was only with much thought and deliberation and contemplation that I came to the conclusion that affirming my strengths gives me a platform from which to address my weakness.  In the past I was far too busy deriding myself and putting myself down to have the energy to do anything about it.  I was my own whipping boy keeping myself down, subjugated to feelings of guilt and inferiority.

Now that I have finally faced the truth about my strengths, I have not only the will, but also the energy to address my weaknesses.  Rather than making me become selfish or self-centered, I have begun the process of changing myself so that I can share a stronger, more healed, more compassionate person with others.  I am more giving simply because I am no longer “needing” outside validation to feel comfortable with who I am.  This comfort level, allows me to more fully connect with that which I want to share with others.

Yet, even as I struggle to be as honest with myself and those in my life, as I can, I have to acknowledge that honesty, as a core value is hard to practice.  I fear that instead of honesty most people “impression manage”.  And even I have fallen into the trap on occasion of pretending to be “alright” when in fact I am far from it. 

There is a falseness to pretending that everything is alright when indeed it is not.  The consequence is that I come away feeling that not only have I been untrue to myself, but also I have not given the other person an honest opportunity to rise to the occasion of supporting me, and so I have also diminished them. It is a falseness to subjugate real emotions so as not to “disturb” others.  Maybe I have on those occasions robbed the other person of an opportunity to feel good about being able to be there for me? I am learning that many people feel good when placed in the position of being able to help.

Where did I learn this behaviour?  What is it that has happened to me that has made me think it necessary to betray my own feelings, to sacrifice my truth on the altar of “not disturbing others”?  I am struggling to change this, or at the very least to be more open to those closest to me.

Yet even this type falsehood, for the most part, does not cause great harm. It may lead to missed opportunities of really connecting with others.  I believe that facing this kind of vulnerability allows us to get closer to others, but fear of rejection keeps us private, keeping our truths unshared. 

What concerns me more as I ponder this concept of honesty is the deliberate misconstruing that is a tool used by the unscrupulous to gain advantage.  Over the course of my life I have experienced some grave injustices perpetrated by people who deliberately use dishonesty to gain power in relationships. 

• There is the falseness, where a person presents a pretend personality most likely to get them what they want.
• There is the duplicity of pretending to be nice to get close and gather “dirt” on others.
• There is the betrayal, where confidences are deliberately sabotaged, twisted and manipulated to harm others.

All of these actions thwart the principles of honesty.

I have been learning there is a name for these kinds of people; they are called “Character Disturbed”.  How come no one ever told me about them?   Why have I had to learn the hard way, through the hard knocks of life that there are wolves in sheep’s clothing amongst us?

I understand that honesty is a hard value to live by. Honesty requires us to be real, in essence to walk about emotionally naked.  “Here I am, this is me, warts and all.” 

• Honesty is what allows us to make the closest kind of connections.
• Honesty also allows us to encounter our greatest betrayals.

The question for me becomes this:  “how can I be honest on this deep level and remain safe from those who practice to deceive?”

• Can I become better at spotting the manipulators and liars?
• Can I protect myself from the unscrupulous?
• Can I be who I really am without giving away my own personal power?

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 - 01 - 30

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Post Estrangement: who is in your corner?

It is so typical of people to believe they "know" when they really only "know" the lies and falsehoods that have been perpetrated by those with a need to “save face”.   I lost many, many friends because they believed the altered reality stories without ever bothering to ask me for my side of the story!  It is the way people are!

It hurts when people shut you out based on lies and half-truths and deliberate distortions. As I have read and learned about this topic; I have discovered that this action is called “apathy” and people who participate in believing contrived stories without a desire to find out the full story for themselves are called “apaths”.   And character disturbed people “DEPEND” on this apathy, and these apaths to ensure that that they get what they want. 

People with character disturbances (e.g. narcissists, and other controlling and manipulative types); want to be seen as the victim.  If they project their faults onto their target and get apaths to believe them they can continue to lead their lives as if they have done no wrong because in their mind justification that leads to others believing them means they have exonerated themselves.  Of course over time they tell their lies so many times that they believe their own lies; and the fact that apaths believe their lies unquestioningly supports them in their coming to believe their created stories.

There is another type of person in this listening triangle.  Emapths (short for empathetic people) don’t believe one sided stories! They know that there is always “the other side”.   When they are inserted into a story involving two people they want to hear the other side.  Emapths complete the triangle!  They are the ones that listen to what you have to say and they sift the truth out from among  the feelings, and they have an instinct for deciphering the exaggerations and the deliberate misconstructions and projections.  Empaths are those people that end up standing by you and even up for you.  They even confront the character disturbed often getting themselves ostracized as well for not engaging in the fabrication that the character disturbed wants to project.

When you have been a target of slander by a character disturbed you quickly learn that apaths stand by and do nothing, fearing the same wrath could be turned against themselves.  

Empaths are most likely to be your only support, and over time as the lies and rumours are spread via the gossip network of apaths, you quickly learn the real nature of your friends.  The very small circle of empaths are quite different from the majority of apaths in your life. 

In post estrangement healing it is critical to learn to recognize and know your apath acquaintances and distance yourself from them; while at the same time holding close your empath friends. 

It is your empath friends that will help you to move forward, for they are the ones that will help you most when you doubt yourself and start to question if maybe there really is something wrong with you like the character disturbed proclaims.  The empaths are your solid ground when you are swimming in emotions that are tearing you apart on the inside.  Empaths are the guiding light, helping you to climb out of the pit of dark despair.

I am grateful for the blessing of empaths in my life.  

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 – 01 – 19

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post estrangement: learning to affirm my rights in a relationship

I used to be a doormat!  

There I said it, I have admitted my shame. 

Yes the truth is out; for most of my life I conducted myself in all my relationships as the "people pleaser".  I believed, mistakenly that I had to please other people in order to deserve their respect and love.  I gauged all my actions on how I could make others happy. 

This went above and beyond generosity and "doing for others", to the far more self-destructive; not standing up for myself.  

I accepted unacceptable behaviour towards myself to avoid causing others the discomfort of accepting responsibility for their inappropriate behaviour towards me.  This meant people got away with putting me down, ridiculing me, showing me disrespect and other actions that left me feeling deeply wounded.  All because I did not want to hurt them by voicing my disapproval of their actions!

Supposedly the reason we become "door mats" is because we need the validation that comes from being loved. Somewhere the mistaken notion is learned that by "not causing a scene" we are creating harmony and people who do not create drama are loved for their pleasantness.
 

Well, to my chagrin, I have learned that 
relationships don't work that way! 

The doormat instead of being loved is seen as weak and therefore becomes the target for abuse. The message others get is "it is alright to treat this person badly because they won't stand up for themselves.  

• The insults and the put downs continue and grow more prolific and destructive because we never stood up and said "NO".  
• The demands and expectations to do for others, grows because we never said "NO".  
• We are told what to do and when to do and are "expected to do without question" because we have never said "NO". 
• The disrespect grows because we are seen weak for never saying "NO". 
• Our goodness and desire to be kind is taken advantage of because we never said "NO"
• Instead of being valued for being accommodating, we became an easy target because we never said "NO"

Over time this type of relationship has a huge emotional cost. Sooner or later we pay the price in loss of self-worth and self-esteem.  

What I also discovered was that each hurtful event builds up over time. Each wound neglected, adds more emotional discomfort.  Inside the emotional bleeding becomes more and more severe.  The negative thought voices get louder and louder, ever more cruel and more punishing.

Inside I started seething with resentment for every time I was taken advantage of, disrespected, put down etc.  While on the outside I smiled and "kept the peace", on the inside I was crying from each cut and slice.  

Each little wound built up and built up and ate away at my self-esteem and self-worth.  I never had learned how to put a stop to abusive actions and words and so I didn't know how to defend myself.  One day I erupted like a volcano exploding to release the built up pressure.  I said a very uncharacteristic "NO!" 

That was the day my life changed forever.  I acted out of character defending myself.  I showed "anger", an emotion I so rarely allowed myself that it caught people off guard.  

Everything that I knew to be true in my life came tumbling down on that day never to be the same again.  Every relationship I was in, changed that day.  I was a stranger even to myself. 

I have been on a journey of recovery ever since.  From grieving, to learning, to healing; I have discovered that there are two kinds of people in my life.  

• Those who realized that I had reached the end of my "be pleasant at all costs rope" and realized that they had to change their behaviour toward me as I changed my expectations of how I would allow myself to be treated and 
• the other group, those people who liked being able to control me and manipulate me and were distraught that I would no longer allow it.  

The first group stood by me as I learned by trial and error (many, many errors) how to not be a "door mat".  The second group disappeared.

• Part of the learning process has been to develop protective emotional boundaries around me.  
• Part of the process has been learning to speak up for myself.  
• Part of the process has been learning how to say "NO." 
• Part of the process has been learning to respect and care for myself. 

Over time I have learned new skills and have adapted a more self-loving, self-compassionate and self-caring attitude. These have come together into a sort of "pledge to myself".

My Pledge to Myself for Safe Friendships and Relationships.

1. I will never beg or plead for someone’s attention. Anyone who brings me to that level is not worthy of my affection.
   
2. I will not tolerate criticism about my body, age, weight, job or any other insecurity I might have.  Good friends don’t put me down, they raise me up.
   
3. I will regularly take a look at my relationships to make sure I am being respected, treated kindly and with love.
   
4. I will ask myself, “Would I treat someone else like this?” and if the answer is NO, then I don’t deserve to be treated like that either.
   
5. I will trust my gut instinct.  When I have a bad feeling I will trust myself and not push it away and make excuses.
   
6. I will remember that I am better of alone than in the company of people who treat me in a toxic manner. I will control and limit the amount of time I spend in the company of people who are toxic to my emotional wellbeing.
   
7. I will not allow myself to be spoken to in a condescending or sarcastic or mocking way.  Kind and compassionate people would not patronize me thus, and those who do will be dealt with or removed from my life.
   
8. I will not allow anyone to call me names or use any kind of projection on me.
   
9. My relationships and friendships will be mutual and equal for I know that love and caring is not about control and power.
   
10. If I ever feel insecure about any of these steps I will pause and reflect or seek help from supportive friends.  I will not act on impulsive decisions.  But I will act with forethought and consideration as to what is in my best interests.

Do I feel comfortable yet with my new perspective? 

Not quite! 

However I do realize there is no going back to the way I was. For my own mental health that is not an option. 

• My kindness is now tempered by an awareness that I will not allow myself to be abused or be taken advantage of.
• My desire for peace is balanced by my need for my need for personal emotional safety and respect.
• My compassion toward others is balanced by a compassion toward myself. 

It is a good and healthy place to be and I am thankful that I have been able to find my way to these discoveries. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2016 - 01 - 18 

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Post estrangement: Trying to Understand

I recently read a quote by Jeff Brown that I found illuminating!  

(You) “endure it (abuse) either because 

you don't have a choice or 

because you don't love yourself.”

As a parent you have no choice but to “endure” the hurtful actions against you by a child.  You have to show them compassion even when they say hurtful things.  It is part of your “job” as a parent to NOT retaliate. You try to teach by example and explanation, but the long and short of it is you “endure” those challenging years.  Sometimes however this is exacerbated by a deeper level of not enough self-love.  When this happens you endure because you don’t deeply and fundamentally believe that you deserve better.

In those cases the resentment against the abusive behaviour builds and builds gradually under ever greater pressure.  The “snapping point”, is when you say “I will endure this no more”.  Quite possibly you shout it or demonstrate that you have had enough in a quite dramatic out of character manner.
 
It is when you say NO, STOP IT, that you discover that your adult child has become an abuser of your good will and that they like the power and control they have had over you and are angry with you for taking away that power and control. 

This is often when they estrange and in typical abusive fashion they blame you and say “it is all your fault”.  And it is true, you DID; you changed the rules that you were willing to play under.

When you reached the breaking point and changed because of your own needs to be whole, when you woke up and realized you needed to be treated with respect and love also, you finally affirmed self love, maybe for the first time in a long time.

However for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When you stopped going "with the flow" and accepting the negative treatment, when you changed the rules of how you would allow yourself to be treated they had to react to the changes in you.

They basically had two choices: 

One - they could acknowledge that their behaviour toward you was really not very nice, 
or
Two - they could resent you for asking them to be accountable for their behaviour. 

How much easier is must have been to take the resentment route!  In throwing the blame back at you for daring to change the rules they don't have to face their own contributions that pushed you to the limit.

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2016 - 01 - 12

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