Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Post Estrangement: who is in your corner?

It is so typical of people to believe they "know" when they really only "know" the lies and falsehoods that have been perpetrated by those with a need to “save face”.   I lost many, many friends because they believed the altered reality stories without ever bothering to ask me for my side of the story!  It is the way people are!

It hurts when people shut you out based on lies and half-truths and deliberate distortions. As I have read and learned about this topic; I have discovered that this action is called “apathy” and people who participate in believing contrived stories without a desire to find out the full story for themselves are called “apaths”.   And character disturbed people “DEPEND” on this apathy, and these apaths to ensure that that they get what they want. 

People with character disturbances (e.g. narcissists, and other controlling and manipulative types); want to be seen as the victim.  If they project their faults onto their target and get apaths to believe them they can continue to lead their lives as if they have done no wrong because in their mind justification that leads to others believing them means they have exonerated themselves.  Of course over time they tell their lies so many times that they believe their own lies; and the fact that apaths believe their lies unquestioningly supports them in their coming to believe their created stories.

There is another type of person in this listening triangle.  Emapths (short for empathetic people) don’t believe one sided stories! They know that there is always “the other side”.   When they are inserted into a story involving two people they want to hear the other side.  Emapths complete the triangle!  They are the ones that listen to what you have to say and they sift the truth out from among  the feelings, and they have an instinct for deciphering the exaggerations and the deliberate misconstructions and projections.  Empaths are those people that end up standing by you and even up for you.  They even confront the character disturbed often getting themselves ostracized as well for not engaging in the fabrication that the character disturbed wants to project.

When you have been a target of slander by a character disturbed you quickly learn that apaths stand by and do nothing, fearing the same wrath could be turned against themselves.  

Empaths are most likely to be your only support, and over time as the lies and rumours are spread via the gossip network of apaths, you quickly learn the real nature of your friends.  The very small circle of empaths are quite different from the majority of apaths in your life. 

In post estrangement healing it is critical to learn to recognize and know your apath acquaintances and distance yourself from them; while at the same time holding close your empath friends. 

It is your empath friends that will help you to move forward, for they are the ones that will help you most when you doubt yourself and start to question if maybe there really is something wrong with you like the character disturbed proclaims.  The empaths are your solid ground when you are swimming in emotions that are tearing you apart on the inside.  Empaths are the guiding light, helping you to climb out of the pit of dark despair.

I am grateful for the blessing of empaths in my life.  

Renate Dundys Marrello
2016 – 01 – 19

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