Repairing the Disconnect After the Trauma of Estrangement

14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge:   Day 10

February 10^th  

There is a disconnect that happens after a traumatic life event. 

In the aftermath of trauma everything that you thought was true is called into question.  Everything you believed to be true no longer applies.  And you face a time when everything you thought about who you are is no longer certain.  There is this gap between who you were then and who you are now.  

For a long time I thought all I had to do was get back to the “who I was before”.  It took me a long time to realize that there is no going back and that the challenge was to reassess and thus create a new template for who I am now.

In my case the trauma was being estranged by my daughter just after her 31st birthday.  What a twist of fate!  I thought we had reached that point where we were having a mature mother daughter relationship and bang, out of the blue, everything I did was suddenly wrong. Everything I had ever done in the past was wrong.  I was discarded for not being what she wanted / needed.

My world was turned upside down.  Nothing made sense.  For a long time I existed in a state of shock.  When the shock wore off it was like I had no more connection to myself.  Who is this person now picking up the pieces of her life?  And the most devastating question I had to face was this: “if I was a failure at what I considered the most important job of my life how do live with myself in the aftermath.” 

My journey to healing has been in many ways defined by my need to find the answer to that question.  

The challenge has been to find the bridge across the chasm of that disconnect. Since so much of my self-worth was tied to my desire to be the best possible parent I could be, one of the major repercussions was that my self-esteem was devastated.

Living with a shattered sense of self is devastating. You feel like you are no longer valid, your value as a person has been negated, you have no purpose.  And when you have no value and no purpose you begin to question why you should live.

And then there were all these well-meaning people and resource articles etc., which told me to “let the past go” or to “just accept” or to “move on”.  I wasn’t healing fast enough!   

So there I am at the lowest point in my life, feeling like a failure and I feel like an even bigger failure because if I can’t move on then somehow it must be me…I must be the problem.  So my sense of failure and worthlessness are compounded by my difficulties moving beyond the injury.

My recovery has been a slow process.  I have had to step by step work through making sense of the NON sense that my life had become.   You see I not only had to reconnect with myself and my life purpose, I also had to come to understand the nature of those people that resort to estrangement. 

I had to learn about and to understand the character disturbances that allowed my daughter to behave the way she did. I had to learn that her actions are part of the problems in her personality, her character, her life and the result of her choices.   I had to separate myself from holding myself responsible for her problems.  I had to let go of the notion that “mommy can kiss the boo boo and make it all better”.  

I had to let go of the notion that my love for her was enough.  It wasn't enough and it won't be enough until she is ready to love herself enough to seek the healing help that she needs.  I can only work on my own healing. 

To make it possible for me to embark on this healing journey and reconnect with my self-worth and my self-esteem I had to learn to accept that I could not fix our relationship as long as she has no intention to work on fixing it too.

This healing journey is taking years.  If you had told me that when I started this journey that it could take so long I would not have believed you.  I thought it was enough to say “yes I thought that, and did that” now let me get on with my life.

Instead I found it was one step forward followed by several steps backwards, pick myself up and start again.  I would learn something, apply it a couple of times and then be surprised when it didn't take because I did not do the work of applying it every single day with intention and purpose.

So here I am facing once again my list of actions that I can take to recover my self-esteem.  Some of these actions I already have made a part of my “post trauma” life.  Others I need to refocus on with intension to incorporate them on a deeper level of my consciousness. 

Today’s self-love and affirmation gift to myself is to review my self-empowerment, self-esteem validating list of actions and to conscientiously apply more proactive choices and actions into my life.

#1 Be aware of the language I use in my head.  Negative self-talk is damaging. When a negative statement comes up write it down and then create a statement that is positive to replace it with. Conscientiously choose to use the new phrase.  Allow the new positive phrase to become the new way I talk to myself.  Take the negative statement(s) and plan a “burning ritual”.

#2 I give myself permission to say “NO”.  I will practice saying “NO”.   No I don’t want to.  No that is not acceptable, No you can’t talk to me that way.   No, I will not allow you treat me like that. 

#3 I give myself permission to say encouraging things to myself.  I will make this a daily practice.  When I do something well, I will allow myself to say ‘well done’. I am allowed to praise my accomplishments and to validate my successes.

#4 I will be kinder to myself when I make a mistake by understand that making mistakes is a normal part of being human.  I learn all the time, every day and part of the learning process is making mistakes.  Mistakes are opportunities to learn. That is all. Beating up on myself is pointless and harmful and as such is no longer allowed.  Instead I will say: “I made a mistake. What did I learn? Great; I can now move on to the next thing. I am human!”

#5 I give myself freedom to ask myself the question “what do I need?”   I will honour my needs.  I will respond to my needs in a kind and generous and loving manner.  From simple needs like food or rest to more time alone or with supportive company, I will respect my needs.

#6 I will become aware of coping mechanisms in times of stress that are “self-medicating” actions.  When I find myself doing this I will ask:

-       What has happened?

-       What is the emotion?

-       What am I feeling that I don’t like?

-       What could I do instead?

-       What can I do to address my needs?

#7 I will accept my ‘humanness’

#8 I will make a list of all the things I love to do, or used to love to do, and I will make space in my life to do these things again

#9 I will accept that trauma has happened in my life but I am not the trauma.  Therefore I do not have to be defined by what has happened to me.  Instead I will ask:

-    “What do I want my life to look like now?”

-    “What does the new me want to do / create / become?”

-    “What can I do today to make a start in that direction?”

#10 I will remind myself that I am a beautiful person who deserves to be loved. I arrived into this world ready to love and be loved because that is what we as humans do.   I do this because I believe I am worthy.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 – 02 – 10

My Facebook Reflections Page  

photo credits - as marked or unknown 

Estrangement - Setting the scapegoat free

14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge:   Day 9

February 9^th

The goal today my quest is to welcome appreciation and joy and love into my daily life.  By this I mean, to change the deep down feeling that these are qualities I actually deserve to experience!   I NEED, almost desperately, to escape from the negativity that because I have not been perfect and because I have made mistakes, I somehow don’t deserve to feel appreciated, joyful or loved. 

I own responsibility for all things that have gone wrong in my life to a detrimental degree.  I carry with me this huge burden of self-imposed guilt.  It is a burden that I took up as a child (not good enough) and it has been with me my whole life.   

I see every insufficiency in my life as a being the result of my not being good enough, doing good enough, being successful enough. And then I carry that guilt for “not being good enough” in my psyche!   I carry this burden with me into my daily life!  What a great burden to carry!

I should have let go of this burden a long time ago, but it was so ingrained in my nature that I never even stopped to think of the damage I was doing to myself by blaming “ME” for everything that did not go smoothly or did not turn out the way it was planned.  It was just somehow always “my fault”, and I never stopped to question the truth of that statement! 

I have been learning to question the veracity of that belief! 

Actually I have been forced to learn that lesson by events in my life.  The turning point came when I realized that I had taught my children to judge me as harshly as I judged myself!   I had taught them that is was okay for them to blame me for everything that was wrong in their lives.  They had the perfect scapegoat, MOM! 

When our eldest child estranged from the family she sent a letter and the message that resonates with me the most was this sentence:   “There are so many things wrong with my life and they are all your fault.”  

My world collapsed in the reading of that sentence!   I was guilty!  I was to blame.  I was a horrible person.  I was a horrible mother!  I was a horrible person.  How could I live with the knowledge that I was such a failure?!  That was May 2009. 

Looking back now I find it interesting that she did not take any responsibility upon herself!   And I allowed her to use me as a scapegoat!   I did not even question that it was my fault! I was ultimately the perfect scapegoat because I believed the accusation that I was at fault!

So there I was, shattered! 

First the good news, I survived!   I somehow picked up the pieces and spent the ensuing years trying to mend my broken heart and my broken life. I read, I attended therapy sessions, I joined support groups for estranged parents and I worked very hard at learning about myself, my unrealistic expectations, and what exactly I was and was not responsible for.  

Second the bad news; it has been an uphill battle that has seen me struggling with old concepts, outdated ideas, facing new knowledge and new understanding.  Rewiring thoughts about who I was and what I could and could not take responsibility for, has been like an emotional evisceration.  I was often left feeling raw and exposed and vulnerable.

I am now firmly on the path forward toward rebuilding with new and healthier foundation stones those parts of my life that I do continue to take responsibility for.  

I have left behind the baggage of making excuses for others and then shouldering their share of the blame as well as my own.  

I have stripped away guilt that was not mine to start with.  

I have removed shame for being inadequate.  I have learnt to embrace that being human and making mistakes is part of living and that this is not something to be ashamed of.

I am rebuilding those areas of my psyche that still need fortification.  This fourteen day self-appreciation challenge for example comes out of my need to remind myself that I deserve to feel good about who I am and what I have accomplished.  This challenge is to declare to myself that I deserve the good feelings that come with acknowledging my victories rather than drowning in my failings.  This challenge is about claiming my rights as a human being; to no longer be trapped in the role of the scapegoat.

Appreciation is one of the highest emotional states you can be in. I love writing my daily gratitude list.  It allows me time to reflect on the state of abundance in my outer life. Therefore, if I am capable of appreciating others then I should be able to learn to apply that skill towards appreciating myself.  The goal being to create an equal state of abundance in my inner life.

My Self Appreciation and Self Love Ritual

•     Prepare a peaceful area for contemplation and reflection.  There is a mirror here and a picture of myself.
•     Select something that I wish to be a physical token of my self-appreciation (ideas: a stone, a crystal or other small item that will be easy to carry with me as a reminder)
•     As I gaze upon this item I will write down all the things that I appreciate about my abilities, my character, my strengths.
•     I will write lists of the things I have done / accomplished in my life, the past year, the past week even yesterday
•     I will acknowledge the small successes as well, not just the big ones.
•     I will take a moment to appreciate my goal, intentions and aspirations.
•     I will arrange the mirror and the picture of myself and the token of self-appreciation in a small triangle upon the work surface I am at. 
•     I will read the lists that I have created out loud to myself in mirror and picture and to the crystal.
•     As I see my face in the mirror I will say to myself  “You deserve to feel proud of what you have accomplished.”
•     As I see my picture I will say “you deserve to feel good about what you have achieved”
•     As I look at the crystal I will say;  “you are a reminder to me of that I deserve to be appreciative for my accomplishments and achievement.

Every time I look upon this crystal I will be reminded of my promises to myself.  I will stop and take a moment to remember and fully experience gratitude for all my good qualities. I will make daily self-appreciation a part of my daily gratitude practice and work on changing old conditioning patterns that no longer serve me.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 – 02 – 09

My Facebook Reflections Page

photo credits - as marked or unknown 

Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 8

February 8^th

I am going to tackle a hard challenge today; appreciating my inner and outer beauty. 

I cannot look in the mirror feel comfortable saying I like what I see.

Why is it so hard to look at myself and say "you are beautiful"?  Why do the words get stuck in my throat?  Why do I feel I don't deserve to say those words to myself?

I am one of those people that does not take compliments well.  I am self-deprecating to a fault, and my self-esteem suffers because of the negative messages I send myself day in and day out.  

I know where this all started.   I was the ugly duckling child.  I did not fit in at school.  I was the kid that got bullied for not looking, acting, or dressing like all the other kids. I am starting to realize that even though this is where it started that is not the problem.  

And I am equally sure there are many others that suffered the same excruciating torment in their school days.  The problem stems from the fact that I internalized the message and became my own worst bully.  I became the one who criticized myself day in and day.  It is not about how I look, it is about how I think about how I see myself.

I think it is time to put those hurtful memories in context, they are in the past.
I think it is time to exorcise my internal bully, to put him to rest. It is time to take away his power.

I need to learn to look in the mirror and see the real me, flaws and all, that is a beautiful human being filled with many good qualities and characteristics. I need to start accepting and appreciating and loving that woman that stares back at me.

So today I dedicate to creating a self-affirming ritual that addresses my need to change past habits. I need to start seeing the beauty that has always been.

Inner and outer beauty Ritual

I will create a relaxing restful atmosphere for me to meditate and ponder thoughts that I need to evaluate and asses.

I will fill this space with beautiful things that I am drawn to – flowers, crystals, pictures, yin-yang symbol, etc

I will write out my thoughts on each question I ponder.

I will take the time to write notes on thought patterns that no longer feel right for me

I will make lists of changes I wish to make.

I will empower myself to make those changes possible in the coming weeks.

Thoughts I will ponder:

1. Beauty is never just skin deep.  There is a balance between inner and outer allure.  What are the things that make me beautiful.
2. Look at a picture or drawing of a yin-yang symbol.  Reflect on how the opposites complement each other.  That diversity is instrumental in attract.  The balance of polarities that dualities that manifest into the unique person that I am. What are the polarities of my personality and character that make me unique?
3. Look upon each of the beautiful objects and imagine the unique and distinctive beauty of each piece.  Similarly I bring respect to my unique and distinctive beauty also and to bring that to a place of honour as well.  This is where I bring a picture of me to the space of beautiful things.  Symbolic of including myself in the things that I see as beautiful.  I honour my beauty and allow myself the opportunity to compliment myself.
4. I visualize and write out all the characteristics I wish to honour and validate.  First I will list all that qualities that I already possess and then those things that I wish to elevate within myself to bring even more inner beauty to my life.

Now I light a candle as a symbol of the light of enlightened self-appreciation I wish to draw to myself.  I create a powerful picture in my mind of all the qualities I already possess as well as all those I wish to embrace. I imagine the balance of Yin / Yang filling my entire body and soul with its balanced energy.  I visualize that balanced energy seeping into my aura. 

• I make a statement or affirmation by reading my list out loud
• I meditate on these thoughts
• Ring a bell to symbolically allow the message to be heard.
• I finish by declaring:
• 
  
  

In all ways I am balanced

In all ways I am serene

 I calmly shine my light               into the world

I allow the candle to burn, shining the light of my intentions into my awareness. I let it burn for me to see and be reminded of the work I have just accomplished. 

I am happy to be on this journey of self-affirmations.  I hope you my reader, have been inspired to contemplate with me.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 02 - 08 

My Facebook Reflections Page 

Photo Credits:  unknown

Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 7

February 7^th

One of the things that I have missed in my life AE (after estrangement ) is a sense of comfort and contentment.   

When I was a parent giving comfort was as natural as breathing!  But giving comfort and the hugs and the cuddles that went with it also gave me comfort.  That is now missing from my life.  I have not yet learned how to find that same sense of comfort in caring for myself. 

And contentment, that too is gone.  I used to be content to be a mom and doing mom things.  It was never too much to do anything that made my children happy.   

Even through the difficult times I was content.   Even when stressed, I was content.   Now contentment is something that eludes me.  The big emptiness in my life is like a gaping wound that is keeping contentment at bay.  I want to find my way back to contentment, to accepting things just as they are not as I would wish them to be.

Today as my 14 days of self-affirmation I would like to invite the possibility of comfort and contentment back into my life.  

And as I write these words I realize that this is the most difficult task I have set myself so far on this self-love journey. 

I think I finally believe that I deserve comfort and contentment.  But I do not yet believe that I will be able to achieve them.   However, I will give it a try, for the simple reason that I deserve this. 

To accept comfort into my life I need to address the fact that I am deserving of self care.  That time spent doing what I love and what I need with awareness as to how they bring me comfort is a choice I can consciously make.  

I understand that there’s also a cognitive component to contentment.  This involves taking stock of where I am and deciding what I love, what I can change, and what I need to accept.   If I can focus on this process I feel that I will be on the right path. 

My Comfort and Contentment Ritual

Supplies:  Jasmine oil, essential oil diffuser, Paper and pen, Candle, Container for safe burning, Receptacle for ashes

Step 1 -  create a quiet atmosphere free from distractions so that I can focus on this exercise.

• Light the candle and prepare to meditate on the changes I am about to invite into my life.
• Reflect on the things that are present in my life that prevent me from being content.
• Reflect on the things and the thoughts that are within my control to change.  Example I can’t change a person who makes me angry, but I can change the way I respond to the person that makes me angry) 
• Write down those thoughts that I wish to banish.
• Reflect on what I need in my life to feel more comfort.
• What is within my control to bring those comforts into my life? 
• Write a list of the changes I wish to make.

Light the paper with the thoughts I wish to banish and say:

“I burn this paper and banish those negative thoughts and emotions from my life to make room for comfort and contentment.”

Visualize all the negativity burning away and leaving me free to create the new and positive energies.

Place the burning paper into the receptacle and say: 

“I release the negative emotions that hinder my openness to comfort and contentment”. 

Visualize all of the obstacle evaporating from my thoughts and from my life leaving space for new and positive energies.

Drip some Jasmine oil into the diffuser and inhale the fragrance and savour it.  Say:

“I welcome contentment and comfort into my life and into my being” 

Place the receptacle and the diffuser somewhere in a visible place. 

• They serve as reminders for my intentions.
• The receptacle of ashes is to serve as a visual reminder of what I want to let go off
• The fragrance is an olfactory reminder of what I wish to welcome in.  

Actions steps for comfort and contentment:
I will take steps over the next several days to put into action those things on my list that are outward signs that I bring comfort and contentment into my life. 

I will create a comfort zone where I will collect objects that either bring me comfort or remind me of actions that I can take to bring comfort into my life. 

I will create reminders to myself to contemplate my affirmations on contentment so that whenever I see those reminders I will pause and take a moment and embrace these new messages to myself. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2015 - 02  - 07

My Facebook Reflections Page 

Reflections on Healing - 14 Days of Self Appreciation Challenge: Day 6

February 6th.  

My ultimate goal is to be happy with myself. I am striving to get to that place where accepting myself is a natural as breathing.

This is the step where I stumble.  I find it so easy to find things about myself that I am unhappy with. 

Today’s exercise therefore while exceedingly simple will also be exceedingly challenging.  I deserve to feel happy about who I am; my character and my nature, my accomplishments and my aspirations.  I should feel proud to affirm “this is ME!”

Today’s Ritual:  I’m Happy with Myself affirmation:

Step one: 
Read each of the statements in the list below. 




Sit with each statement for several moments and then I ask myself:

-   Do I believe this statement?

-   If not, what is holding me back from believing this statement?

-  What can I do to change this resistance?

Step two:

Write notes to myself:        
-    On positive situations where I believe the statement to be   true.
-    Areas of resistance and what course of action I need to take

Self Affirmation List 

-       I like myself

-       I trust myself

-       I know myself

-       I know what I want

-       I know what I need

-       I know what I have

-       I know what I know

-       I mean well

-       I try hard

-       I do good

-       I help

-       I heal

-       I hear

-       I love

-       I feel

-       I fall down

-       I stand up

-       I strive

-       I survive

-       I flourish

-       I thrive

Step 3:   Recite the positive list of affirmations to myself facing a mirror!

(Or recite the positive affirmations to a picture of myself, Or to an image that represents my inner child or inner goddess or inner mother etc.)

Step 4:  Meditate on the experience.  

How does this exercise empower me and affirm positive things about myself?

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2015 - 02 - 06 

My Facebook Reflections Page

Post Estrangement: Who are our others?

Who are the others
that guide and help us
through the darkness of grief 

Ziva: “One gets over the loss of a wallet or a watch. But a loved one, they never leave  you. You never get over; you only get through.”

Lydia: “How?”

Ziva: “By leaning on others, the comfort of friends.”

~ NCIS, Season 10, Episode 8 

If you have been estranged there is a feeling of isolation, of being alone, of being the only one experiencing the pain you are feeling.

And yet there remains the human need for the comfort of friends.  But who can we turn to that understands the enormity of what we face?

In the aftermath of estrangement our corner of the world, our security has been shattered.   Family and friends seem to “choose sides”.   And those who do not choose our “side” drift quickly away, furthering the feeling of abandonment. 

Then those who have no reference point for the grief we experience get tired of hearing our sorrow and they slowly distance themselves.   Oh yes we still “see them” but there is a clear message that they don’t want to hear about "it" anymore.   Small comments like “isn’t it time for you to move one”, or the glazed look in their eyes when you open the topic once again in an effort to make sense of it all. Or maybe they say things to you like “you need to see a therapist to talk to” (meaning I don’t want to listen to you anymore)   You figure it out, you know that they are done with “hearing about IT”.

You would think that parents who have lost children to death would be a source of comfort.  But for the most part they don’t understand.   They say things like “but your child is still alive ALL you have to do is mend the bridges”.   And they say it like that is something that is simple to accomplish, as if we have not already tried that over and over again with negative results.  For them it is just a question of if you work at it hard enough you can have your child back so you are not like us.  We do not belong; we do not get the comfort we need from them.

We also get no comfort from others with broken relationships, separations or divorce.   There is love yes, but the bond that a parent feels for a child is powerful strong.  It was designed that way by nature to protect the child in the process of growing up.  Just because the force is no longer needed does not mean that it no longer ties us to our estranging adult child (and subsequent grandchildren).  And so we don’t get the comfort we need from those support groups either, for these are about relationships that end and both parties move on.  We don't stop being parents!  Even when the relationship is ended we are still parents and grandparents.  That fact does not change!

We might move on, but our burden remains right there with us all the time, centered in our nurturing parenting heart. Our family remains our family even when we are estranged. 

So inevitably we gravitate toward one another.  We find support groups of other parents that have also been estranged or alienated.   Because here we find acknowledgement, perhaps for the first time since being estranged, that we are not alone in what we feel.  The devastation that has come into our lives and the crazy swirling of emotions that comes with being estranged is real to this group of people.  Other estranged parents become our “others”. 

And this is a good thing for we are no longer isolated

And at the same time this is a bad thing for in finding our “others” it becomes tempting to stay in one place in our grieving process, we forget that we are on a journey “through grief” and support groups for estranged parents tend to become places to “remain in grief.”  For in having our grief finally validated by others we lose the sense of direction that grief is a journey through toward healing.

And so support groups for estranged parents become this breeding ground for talking about how awful X was, and how horrible Y treated me, and always the topics return over and over again to the past and what has happened and why did it happen.  

And here is where the conundrum lies; can the same group that finally made us feel that we are no longer alone; our “others” help us on the journey through grief toward healing?

I have come to the conclusion that this group of peers is a temporary place of grief and understanding and that at some point in time we need to move forward, to seek out groups that are focusing on healing in the aftermath.

I need to be very clear, I am not in any way saying that support groups for estranged parents are not useful.  They are in fact essential to the process of coming to understand:

1.  I am not alone
2.  what I am feeling is normal
3.  I am a good person
4.  I did nothing to deserve this
What I am saying is that when the support group no longer fosters your own healing, when it keeps you in the cycle of pain rather than moving through the cycle of grief then you have start to look for healing support.

For us to journey through grief and into healing we need a group of “others” that is on the same journey.

While to share grief is a solace, it behooves us to remember that to share a grief is not enough.   While sharing a grief, feels really good, and knowing you are no longer in isolation offers a foundation for strength and hope, there is the danger that this comfort will become the crutch for not moving into the healing stage.  If there is no motivation to move beyond the grief and back into life, there is no healing.  

And to live life; really live not simply exist, we do need to move beyond grief.  That requires forward momentum.  And forward momentum does not come from looking back. Forward momentum comes from engaging the future. 

And so there comes a time for each of us at a different stage in the grieving time line, when we accept that there is a choice to be made.  The choice is to remain with the same group of others, repeating and reliving the unending tragedy of our lives, or to join a new group of others, one determined to accept that the grief exists and possibly will always exist, while at the same time accepting that there is life to be lived beyond grief, beyond the trauma of being estranged.

This is my journey; the journey beyond grief, the healing journey.  I will remain eternally grateful to my grieving group of “others” for they held my hand when I was isolated and needed a hand to hold. 

More and more I am drawn to those groups that struggle with healing.   We make two steps forward and then fall back one.  But we push and pull each other forward.  We celebrate that we are more than just parents who have been estranged or alienated, but that we are people who deserve more from life that never ending grief.

Most of my writing currently is dedicated to this group of parents; my “others” that help me get through the grief and living life once again.  I accept that as Ziva said in the opening dialogue “there is no getting over but you get through with the support of “others”

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 02 - 06
updated 2015 - 09 - 26:  There is hope in healing.  
Healing is allowing me to look back at the early grief with a new clarity. To understand more about the process of grief in the aftermath of estrangement and to be able to write about those moments that felt as though my world had ended.  

I hope to be able to have the strength to start to share those thoughts in the future for those still struggling in what I have labeled "the abyss".  

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