Accountability is not supposed to be a one way street

There is a trend among young adults these days estrange themselves from their parents.

They justify this by blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives.  The list of reasons is as long as the number of families suffering through these estrangements.   Every estranged adult child has a litany of reason why their parents weren't satisfactory.   They use these reasons as excuses to sever relationships with their parents.  They say this is for them a journey to self hood, to emancipation from the values of their parents.  To express themselves.

Young adults have always made this journey through adolescence to adulthood, and most parents, if they are honest with themselves expect their children to undergo some form of emancipation as they establish themselves in their own separate lives.  In fact I would wager that most parents WANT their offspring to lead independent successful lives.  Part of a parent's work is to teach our offspring the skills needed to some day be independent.  Most parents rejoice when they see their children capable of taking on the responsibilities of adult independent lives.  They see this as validation that they did a good job as a parent when their child grows to be an adult that no longer needs them for the requirements of everyday living.   An expression of rebellion and independence is welcomed!

However, something vital has changed!

In order to “express this rebellion” it has seemingly become necessary to lay blame on the parent for something.  It does not matter what the something is so long as they blame the parent for it in such a way as to say “because you did “xyz”  you were a bad parent to me and therefore I will estrange you from my life.

It is no longer enough for the emancipating adult child to just say “I want to do this my way”.  To express their autonomy and thereafter to make their own path is not enough!  

They now feel that they have the right to say to the parent, “if you disagree with me you are wrong and I won’t speak to you until you agree with me”.  They want their way to become the only right way.

They want control over their parent’s thinking, their parent’s feelings, and their parent’s actions.  Some of them label their parents with “armchair psychological symptoms” to assuage their guilt, as in “I can’t be around a toxic person”

Here is where it gets really tricky.  I always supposed that a relationships between adults was based on equality.  Where everyone has the right to their opinion and where friendships are not devalued because of different points of view.

I read an interesting article the other day by Dr Joshua Coleman. In it he says:

“….you talk about your perspective and he or she talks about theirs. You talk about how you felt hurt or misunderstood. Your kid talks about how she or he feels hurt or misunderstood. You put your heads together and make sense of it, and you move on and get closer as a result.

That is not the case once there’s an estrangement in place. It’s not that kind of a dynamic. A lot of adult children say they want a relationship of equality, but in reality, it probably isn't going to be a relationship that feels very equal to you. ….. It requires that you have to give without really expecting very much in return. You’re going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that it’s a one-way street…” 

Dr. Joshua Coleman goes on to say that if we want a relationship with these estranging adult children we have to play by their rules.

What is this really saying?

It is saying that the estranging adult child wants everything their way.

The estranging adult child wants you to cave to all their demands, accept all the responsibility for everything that is wrong (absolve the adult child of any guilt the may feel over their actions)

The estranging adult child says they want a relationship only if they get to set the rules and play their games with your emotions and your heart.

The estranging adult child is saying; “we are in control of this relationship and you have no say in the matter and if you cross us on any of our rules you will be once again punished with estrangement.

The estranging adult child is saying that you the parent don’t count.  Your feelings don’t count.  You are unimportant.  Only I the adult child am important. 

I find this one way street approach to be incredibly insensitive to my needs as an individual. 

Am I expected to accept rude demeaning behaviour from another adult in order for me to earn the right to be in their life?  Am I expected to put all my needs and my feelings on hold so as not to offend?  Am I, as an adult supposed to allow another adult to manipulate me and control me to the point where I do everything I can to please them or else they will reject me?

I write this and think, isn’t this juvenile school yard behaviour?   Isn’t this reminiscent of what children taunt each other with “I won’t be your friend if you…..”

Am I supposed to become a child bowing down to the school yard bully, only this time the school yard bully is my own adult child, now grown and thinking they have the right to control and manipulate me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions?

A find this concept rather hard to swallow.

And let’s say that I do accept these “New Rules” and play that game.  What kind of a relationship would that really be? 

This one way street where I am always wrong and they are always right. 

This scenario where they presume to control me with their demands, while I am expected to acquiesce to their demands.  

Is this really a relationship?  
Sounds more like a dictatorship to me.

So the questions that need to be asked are as follows. 

• Is a relationship with these emancipated estranging adults worth my self dignity?
• Can I feel good about myself when I am not true to who I am in order to make them feel good about themselves?
• What about my personal value as a human being, am I to deny myself the right to be of equal value?
• And is accepting a one way street relationship even good for my self esteem?
• Is establishing a one way relationship worth all that I would be expected to give up?
• Is no relationship better than one where I have to put on a mask and forever pretend to be someone who I am not?
• Does any relationship asking me to sacrifice my true self this much worth it?

My personal response is NO IT IS NOT!

• Better my dignity than a relationship where I am forever the trodden upon.
• Better my own company than the company of those who feel they have the right to control me.
• Better my own life lived with validation and honesty than one where I put on a mask of supplication and inferiority.
• I will not sacrifice my value as a human being to aggrandize anyone’s ego.

Alone and Strong

This is my opinion.

I am entitled to my opinion.

In my two way street approach to relationships my opinion is just as valid and valuable as their opinion.

And anyone who feels the need to squash my opinion in order for their opinion to have value is not really welcome in my life.

© Renate Dundys Marrello


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Reflections on "Armchair Psychology"

There is a growing phenomenon that causes me concern.  For lack of a better name I will call it “armchair psychology”.  

Photo courtesy of Wikia

Growing numbers of ordinary people are looking up mental health terminology and diagnosing their family and friends based on these online lists.   People are being diagnosed with mental health issues based on assumptions made about the way they have acted in a particular situation or words they have spoken.  

No therapist is ever visited or consulted, no mental health examination is ever given, and yet a psychological evaluation and diagnosis is made! 

People are being labeled without ever seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental health practitioner!  People are being labeled as mentally ill, and even worse, as toxic without any professional mediation or intervention!

The current practice seems to simple be: "if the label fits because of a subjective perception then it must be true". 

“However, just because a particular label 
may work perfectly 

because it fits in with one's own 

subjective perception of who the other person is 

does not make it a true diagnosis.”

                     ~  grandparent alienation is not natural

This growing trend scares me because this is NOT a diagnosis but rather a "speculation".  

These are only speculations and assumptions and yet some people proceed as if this were in fact a medical diagnosis!  

What scares me even more is the fact that people are being shunned based on these assumptions.  They are being gossiped about, half truth stories are told about them behind their back and their reputations are sullied and even destroyed based on these "non-professional speculations".

Because of these “armchair diagnoses”, we are seeing actions being taken, that we would never consider if there were an actual medical diagnosis.   

In the case of a REAL medical diagnosis family and friends rally around and become supportive and try to help the person who is ill to get better.  The person who really is suffering with a mental health issue is lovingly cared for, nurtured and supported. 

In the case of “armchair diagnoses” the labeled person is shunned and tossed away as “defective” without any emotional support. They are left adrift to try to piece together what happened without any loving support from those who should have been by their side. 

 

What is strikingly missing in the case of “armchair diagnosis” is follow up care and the compassion that a REAL therapist would offer. 

A REAL therapist would be there for every appointment to help and offer support on the healing journey.

A REAL therapist would listen and give feedback and advice.

A REAL therapist would show compassion and consideration and empathy.

A REAL therapist would NOT gaslight or call their patient names or gossip about their patients condition online.

A REAL therapist would suggest healing practices and options and follow up with the patient to ensure that progress is being made.

A REAL therapist would rejoice in every victory on the road to healing with the patient.

These "armchair therapists" that throw around names of conditions while pretending to know what they are talking about don't have any idea how a REAL therapist would label the situation or what kind of help they would offer. And yet these “armchair therapists” throw around labels as if they have a right to diagnose mental health problems. 

If they were to do the same thing in medicine they would be “practicing medicine without a license”. It would be frowned upon and people wouldn't stand for it!  

Yet why are people so quick to accept the opinion of someone “practicing mental health evaluation without a license”? 

I am concerned with this growing practice.  

I am concerned about the damage these "armchair therapists" are wrecking on innocent lives. 

I am concerned about the negative impact this will have on people who have actual diagnosed mental illnesses and how they will be treated because of this prevalent practice.
I have begun to wonder how REAL therapists feel about these "armchair therapists"?

Renate Dundys Marrello
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The Story of Little Owl

...And then one day, when owl felt so small and worthless he had nothing left to lose, he decided to fight back, to draw a line in the sand, to say “I will take no more”. 

And the others were surprised at his anger and his refusal to continue to allow them to put him down.  These changes surprised them so much and they were disappointed that they could no longer control him with their taunts and they left him all alone as punishment for daring to stand up to them and their insults. 

And all alone owl then started to rebuild that which had been stolen from him.  Day by day he recovered his dignity and his self esteem.  Day by day he learnt to love and respect himself.  Day by day he learnt that what had been done to him by those bullies was wrong and wicked. 

And owl grew strong in the realization that he was worthy of love and respect and that those who could not see and accept that were the ones that really had the problem.  And owl went out into the world and found others who loved and respected him for who he was and not for what he could do for them.  

And owl was happy.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

photo credit - Healing childhood wounds

thank you Inner Child Healing for posting the picture that inspired my story.
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Reflecting on Finding Peace after being Estranged

“Be selective in your battles, sometimes peace is better than being right”

peaceful reflections

My inner peace comes from accepting who I am.  I can let others work on their efforts to be right.

I have reached that place where I no longer feel the need to constantly battle with myself to be perfect. I accept that I am human and therefore make mistakes. 

I am sorry if my mistakes hurt anyone, but I can’t continue to live a life where I punish myself day in and day out for mistakes made unwittingly in the past. 

I am an estranged parent.  That in itself is continual punishment for my shortcomings. It is enough that my daughter feels the need to keep on punishing me. 

However, I am done punishing myself.  I am a good person.  I tried hard to do what was right and good.  The fact that I failed is not for lack of trying.  It may be for lack of the right information or insufficient knowledge but never for the lack of trying.  I can not be blamed for what I did not know!  I did the best with the information that I had.  I did everything with love and best intentions.  I can not be expected to have accomplished more.  I was not perfect, I was human.

If my daughter wishes to live the rest of her life blaming me for not being perfect that is her right.  She can try to live up to her own expectations of being perfect and suffer the consequences when the time comes and she too realizes that perfection is an illusion.  She has chosen the “need to be right” path.  I have chosen the path to my own inner peace.

I think in relationships with ourselves as well as with others, we all need to take a moment to reflect on the good things and the positive virtues.  We need to go beyond the arguments and the disagreements to the core value of imperfect people trying to be OK.  I'm not talking about criminal activity; I am addressing the simple human failings that go with living life.  If we ostracize everyone for every failing they have we will soon find ourselves perpetually alone for no one will ever be able to live up to our expectations of perfection.

I have learnt that the need to be right or perfect in ourselves destroys our ability to find peace within.  And our need to be right in our relationships distracts from peaceful solutions with others.

My need to be at peace with myself is greater than my need to be right and for the first time in my life I can start to appreciate who I am without the enormous burden of the inner critic constantly talking inside my head.  I bring this new awareness to the new relationships that I am building.   Being right is not as important as caring communication.  And dialogue to expand horizons is more important than having the same point of view.  I don’t need to be right, I need peace.

© Renate Dundys Marrello

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Reflections on Gratitude

I have been pondering the concept of gratitude for quite some time now.  

I have been evaluating what I am grateful for.  And in doing so, I discovered that there is an experience of greater connection with those things that I have selected to express my gratitude for. 

When I started to do therapeutic walking in nature with my camera in hand, the rhythm of my steps chanted a silent prayer of thanks for that moment and my perception of the moment changed.  Through the lens of my camera I focused on the details of the beauty around me and learnt to spot even the beauty in the objects that others might see as ordinary or even ugly. 

Red Bed's Trail Hike around the base of Devils Tower

I transformed, as I saw more and more of the myriad beauties all around me.  I started to find beauty in unexpected places.  I discovered that by stepping beyond the ugly I could find my way to the moment of beauty just around the corner.

Como Lake Park NY

My eye learnt to see things that I used to overlook and my photo followers often commented on how I manage to take an ordinary object and reveal its hidden beauty.  

Part of this is my innate talent (and for that talent I am thankful also) but mostly I think it is due to my spiritual me singing a song of gratitude when I am on my adventures and walks.  I feel a grateful connection to the moment when I am surrounded by nature. 

Something that I started to do as an escape, to step outside myself and my hurting and my grief became a blessing because I was able to be grateful that opportunity.  

It did not heal my sorrow.  

It did not change the circumstances that caused the grief.  

But it made life bearable.  

It opened me up to new acquaintances and new friendships.  It allowed me to see that there are other dimensions to my life outside the events that have hurt me so deeply.  That in itself, is a blessing. 

However that was only the beginning.  

The feed back that I received for my photography rekindled hope that there was something worth doing with the remainder of my life.  The praise awakened in me the desire to reach out, to reconnect and to get back to loving life.  To possibly helping others by sharing with them what I have learnt. 

The simple act of gratitude, while not healing the pain or the cause of the grief, opened up my life to new horizons, and new possibilities and the acceptance that just as a gem can have many facets so can my life. 

I can have sorrow and still have wonder and awe and gratitude.  

I can have pain and yet have joy, they can live side by side.  

I can experience the despair of things that have ended 

and yet celebrate the birth of new beginnings.  

And just as a gem can have inclusions and flaws, yet still be deemed beautiful; so I too can have flaws and still be a wonderful worthwhile person. 

Together all these all these facets create the preciousness of my life as it is now.  To do more and be able to accept more from the simple pleasure of living.  

Gratitude gave me an experience which in turn opened up for me the opportunity to explore other avenues of growth. Gratitude did not fix my life but it changed me.

The circumstances of my life have not changed, my outlook has.

The grief is still there, but there is a peace of mind.

The sorrow still haunts me, but there is a balancing joy as well. 

and who knows what lies unseen, just around the corner? 

Colorado - Steamboat Springs - Hiking down Mt. Werner

© Photoart by Renate Dundys Marrello

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Reflection on Remembrance Day

Yesterday was Remembrance Day.  I spent some time reflecting on the people who fought and died to create the world that I have the opportunity to live in. 

The freedoms that I take for granted were won by their willingness to sacrifice for the good of future generations.  I contemplate what the world would be like without these brave people, not just soldiers, but all the people that are willing to put their lives on the line to fight for what is right and what is good.

The people who fought for better working conditions and those that fought for the vote for woman and for equal opportunity are equally important soldiers in the fight for what is right.  These brave people that scarified so that I can live the life I have today.

I am a woman with freedom and rights.
I live in country that is for the most part caring and compassionate and concerned about people’s rights and opportunities.
I live in a country that accepts that people come in different races and creeds and beliefs and finds a way to be tolerant of the differences even when it is hard to understand them.

I find myself wondering if I would have had the strength to do what some of these brave soldiers have done.  Would I be able / willing to lay down my life for the freedoms of others in the future?  I like to think that if I was in that kind of a situation I would be able to do so.  However I also realize that it takes a lot of courage as well as determination.  Fear must be overcome.  One must be able to face oneself in the mirror every day and say “today is a good day to die”.  What an incredibly brave way to live life!

Renate Dundys Marrello
a proud Canadian

photo credit - unknown

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Estrangement

The loss of a child changes your forever.  It changes how you see yourself.  It changes how you feel about yourself.  It changes your priorities.  It changes your very life.  You find yourself in a place you never expected to be, at the deepest end of a long tunnel and it is a journey just to even see the daylight at the end of the recovery process.

And to know that your child did it to you on purpose, that they removed themselves from your life to punish you for not being perfect, just adds an extra dimension of pain and suffering.  

With death you know it was fate, whether it was an illness or an accident.  However, with estrangement the message is “you are not good enough for me to want to spend time with you”   So not only do you lose your child, you also lose your inner confidence that "love conquers all". Why? Because your love was not enough to create a lasting bond.  Your love was not enough to reach beyond error to forgiveness.  Your love was not enough to create the kind of people that stick by you when the "going gets tough". 

With rejection, fear is allowed in the door; fear that you really are not good enough.  Fear that your best was somehow really flawed.  Worry is also allowed into your life, worry that you are maybe not good enough to be loved.  Worry that you are unlovable.  Worry that you maybe really are not as good a person as you thought you were.  For you see, rejection destroys you to the very core of who you are, right down to the rock bottom of self confidence.

Rejection is the most evil and wicked of all weapons. For it leaves the body alive and destroys the soul, the spirit, and sends your emotions into a tailspin.  It leaves the victim battling for survival.  Every day becomes a battle to re-establish self worth.  Everyday starts with willing yourself to take another step on the journey to healing.  And you do it alone, because the very people that are supposed to be there for you when your spirit is broken, family, are the very ones that wounded you in the first place.

       Is it any wonder that it takes us such a very long time to recover?
       Is it any wonder that we can’t just finish grieving and move on?

Is it any wonder that we are in such a swirl of emotions that one day we can be feeling positive and think that we are making progress and then the next we are right back to the start of the process all over again wondering “what went wrong?” 

Van Gogh

Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~ Unknown 

Renate Dundys MarrelloFollow my Reflections on Facebook

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