Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Reflecting on Finding Peace after being Estranged

“Be selective in your battles, sometimes peace is better than being right”

peaceful reflections
My inner peace comes from accepting who I am.  I can let others work on their efforts to be right.

I have reached that place where I no longer feel the need to constantly battle with myself to be perfect. I accept that I am human and therefore make mistakes. 

I am sorry if my mistakes hurt anyone, but I can’t continue to live a life where I punish myself day in and day out for mistakes made unwittingly in the past. 

I am an estranged parent.  That in itself is continual punishment for my shortcomings. It is enough that my daughter feels the need to keep on punishing me. 

However, I am done punishing myself.  I am a good person.  I tried hard to do what was right and good.  The fact that I failed is not for lack of trying.  It may be for lack of the right information or insufficient knowledge but never for the lack of trying.  I can not be blamed for what I did not know!  I did the best with the information that I had.  I did everything with love and best intentions.  I can not be expected to have accomplished more.  I was not perfect, I was human.

If my daughter wishes to live the rest of her life blaming me for not being perfect that is her right.  She can try to live up to her own expectations of being perfect and suffer the consequences when the time comes and she too realizes that perfection is an illusion.  She has chosen the “need to be right” path.  I have chosen the path to my own inner peace.

I think in relationships with ourselves as well as with others, we all need to take a moment to reflect on the good things and the positive virtues.  We need to go beyond the arguments and the disagreements to the core value of imperfect people trying to be OK.  I'm not talking about criminal activity; I am addressing the simple human failings that go with living life.  If we ostracize everyone for every failing they have we will soon find ourselves perpetually alone for no one will ever be able to live up to our expectations of perfection.

I have learnt that the need to be right or perfect in ourselves destroys our ability to find peace within.  And our need to be right in our relationships distracts from peaceful solutions with others.

My need to be at peace with myself is greater than my need to be right and for the first time in my life I can start to appreciate who I am without the enormous burden of the inner critic constantly talking inside my head.  I bring this new awareness to the new relationships that I am building.   Being right is not as important as caring communication.  And dialogue to expand horizons is more important than having the same point of view.  I don’t need to be right, I need peace.

© Renate Dundys Marrello

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  1. This is enlightenment to me! May I share?

    1. Yes!

      It is an honour to know that you felt my musing have helped and that you would like to pass the message on.

  2. Wonderful message, thank you. I felt I was reading my own thoughts. I too, am an estranged parent by choice of my daughter. Still hard for me to believe it has been six yrs. My only child and only grandson, but I have found peace somehow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I never realized how many of us there are. Praying for each and every one of us.

  3. Thank you for your thoughts and insights. I'm stuck at the sadness and am missing my grandchild..my only daughter and grandbaby.

  4. I cry as I read this; as if I had written it myself. Knowing I am not alone is helpful, but does not relieve the pain. Thank you!

  5. All of us facing this form of mental abuse need to realize its not us that created the estrangement....and we certainly don't want it to go on forever. The only way to end estrangement is to accept that everyone has the right to do what they want with their life. Just as our beautiful children attempt to deny us our emotional rights , we can decide that we don't need to be accepted any longer. We can be free to go on living knowing we cannot control what others choose to think or do.
    We just have to get on with life. Live every day knowing we gave our children life and freedom. The greatest gifts of all. What they choose to do with those gifts is purely up to them. Wake up every day knowing you gave them those precious gifts, and knowing you owe it to yourself to be happy and live a great life with or without them or their blessings :) Life is too beautiful to waste being sad, so smile and keep going no matter what!!!