Estrangement

The loss of a child changes your forever.  It changes how you see yourself.  It changes how you feel about yourself.  It changes your priorities.  It changes your very life.  You find yourself in a place you never expected to be, at the deepest end of a long tunnel and it is a journey just to even see the daylight at the end of the recovery process.

And to know that your child did it to you on purpose, that they removed themselves from your life to punish you for not being perfect, just adds an extra dimension of pain and suffering.  

With death you know it was fate, whether it was an illness or an accident.  However, with estrangement the message is “you are not good enough for me to want to spend time with you”   So not only do you lose your child, you also lose your inner confidence that "love conquers all". Why? Because your love was not enough to create a lasting bond.  Your love was not enough to reach beyond error to forgiveness.  Your love was not enough to create the kind of people that stick by you when the "going gets tough". 

With rejection, fear is allowed in the door; fear that you really are not good enough.  Fear that your best was somehow really flawed.  Worry is also allowed into your life, worry that you are maybe not good enough to be loved.  Worry that you are unlovable.  Worry that you maybe really are not as good a person as you thought you were.  For you see, rejection destroys you to the very core of who you are, right down to the rock bottom of self confidence.

Rejection is the most evil and wicked of all weapons. For it leaves the body alive and destroys the soul, the spirit, and sends your emotions into a tailspin.  It leaves the victim battling for survival.  Every day becomes a battle to re-establish self worth.  Everyday starts with willing yourself to take another step on the journey to healing.  And you do it alone, because the very people that are supposed to be there for you when your spirit is broken, family, are the very ones that wounded you in the first place.

       Is it any wonder that it takes us such a very long time to recover?
       Is it any wonder that we can’t just finish grieving and move on?

Is it any wonder that we are in such a swirl of emotions that one day we can be feeling positive and think that we are making progress and then the next we are right back to the start of the process all over again wondering “what went wrong?” 

Van Gogh

Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~ Unknown 

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