The Story of Little Owl

...And then one day, when owl felt so small and worthless he had nothing left to lose, he decided to fight back, to draw a line in the sand, to say “I will take no more”. 

And the others were surprised at his anger and his refusal to continue to allow them to put him down.  These changes surprised them so much and they were disappointed that they could no longer control him with their taunts and they left him all alone as punishment for daring to stand up to them and their insults. 

And all alone owl then started to rebuild that which had been stolen from him.  Day by day he recovered his dignity and his self esteem.  Day by day he learnt to love and respect himself.  Day by day he learnt that what had been done to him by those bullies was wrong and wicked. 

And owl grew strong in the realization that he was worthy of love and respect and that those who could not see and accept that were the ones that really had the problem.  And owl went out into the world and found others who loved and respected him for who he was and not for what he could do for them.  

And owl was happy.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

photo credit - Healing childhood wounds

thank you Inner Child Healing for posting the picture that inspired my story.
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Reflecting on Finding Peace after being Estranged

“Be selective in your battles, sometimes peace is better than being right”

peaceful reflections

My inner peace comes from accepting who I am.  I can let others work on their efforts to be right.

I have reached that place where I no longer feel the need to constantly battle with myself to be perfect. I accept that I am human and therefore make mistakes. 

I am sorry if my mistakes hurt anyone, but I can’t continue to live a life where I punish myself day in and day out for mistakes made unwittingly in the past. 

I am an estranged parent.  That in itself is continual punishment for my shortcomings. It is enough that my daughter feels the need to keep on punishing me. 

However, I am done punishing myself.  I am a good person.  I tried hard to do what was right and good.  The fact that I failed is not for lack of trying.  It may be for lack of the right information or insufficient knowledge but never for the lack of trying.  I can not be blamed for what I did not know!  I did the best with the information that I had.  I did everything with love and best intentions.  I can not be expected to have accomplished more.  I was not perfect, I was human.

If my daughter wishes to live the rest of her life blaming me for not being perfect that is her right.  She can try to live up to her own expectations of being perfect and suffer the consequences when the time comes and she too realizes that perfection is an illusion.  She has chosen the “need to be right” path.  I have chosen the path to my own inner peace.

I think in relationships with ourselves as well as with others, we all need to take a moment to reflect on the good things and the positive virtues.  We need to go beyond the arguments and the disagreements to the core value of imperfect people trying to be OK.  I'm not talking about criminal activity; I am addressing the simple human failings that go with living life.  If we ostracize everyone for every failing they have we will soon find ourselves perpetually alone for no one will ever be able to live up to our expectations of perfection.

I have learnt that the need to be right or perfect in ourselves destroys our ability to find peace within.  And our need to be right in our relationships distracts from peaceful solutions with others.

My need to be at peace with myself is greater than my need to be right and for the first time in my life I can start to appreciate who I am without the enormous burden of the inner critic constantly talking inside my head.  I bring this new awareness to the new relationships that I am building.   Being right is not as important as caring communication.  And dialogue to expand horizons is more important than having the same point of view.  I don’t need to be right, I need peace.

© Renate Dundys Marrello

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Reflections on Gratitude

I have been pondering the concept of gratitude for quite some time now.  

I have been evaluating what I am grateful for.  And in doing so, I discovered that there is an experience of greater connection with those things that I have selected to express my gratitude for. 

When I started to do therapeutic walking in nature with my camera in hand, the rhythm of my steps chanted a silent prayer of thanks for that moment and my perception of the moment changed.  Through the lens of my camera I focused on the details of the beauty around me and learnt to spot even the beauty in the objects that others might see as ordinary or even ugly. 

Red Bed's Trail Hike around the base of Devils Tower

I transformed, as I saw more and more of the myriad beauties all around me.  I started to find beauty in unexpected places.  I discovered that by stepping beyond the ugly I could find my way to the moment of beauty just around the corner.

Como Lake Park NY

My eye learnt to see things that I used to overlook and my photo followers often commented on how I manage to take an ordinary object and reveal its hidden beauty.  

Part of this is my innate talent (and for that talent I am thankful also) but mostly I think it is due to my spiritual me singing a song of gratitude when I am on my adventures and walks.  I feel a grateful connection to the moment when I am surrounded by nature. 

Something that I started to do as an escape, to step outside myself and my hurting and my grief became a blessing because I was able to be grateful that opportunity.  

It did not heal my sorrow.  

It did not change the circumstances that caused the grief.  

But it made life bearable.  

It opened me up to new acquaintances and new friendships.  It allowed me to see that there are other dimensions to my life outside the events that have hurt me so deeply.  That in itself, is a blessing. 

However that was only the beginning.  

The feed back that I received for my photography rekindled hope that there was something worth doing with the remainder of my life.  The praise awakened in me the desire to reach out, to reconnect and to get back to loving life.  To possibly helping others by sharing with them what I have learnt. 

The simple act of gratitude, while not healing the pain or the cause of the grief, opened up my life to new horizons, and new possibilities and the acceptance that just as a gem can have many facets so can my life. 

I can have sorrow and still have wonder and awe and gratitude.  

I can have pain and yet have joy, they can live side by side.  

I can experience the despair of things that have ended 

and yet celebrate the birth of new beginnings.  

And just as a gem can have inclusions and flaws, yet still be deemed beautiful; so I too can have flaws and still be a wonderful worthwhile person. 

Together all these all these facets create the preciousness of my life as it is now.  To do more and be able to accept more from the simple pleasure of living.  

Gratitude gave me an experience which in turn opened up for me the opportunity to explore other avenues of growth. Gratitude did not fix my life but it changed me.

The circumstances of my life have not changed, my outlook has.

The grief is still there, but there is a peace of mind.

The sorrow still haunts me, but there is a balancing joy as well. 

and who knows what lies unseen, just around the corner? 

Colorado - Steamboat Springs - Hiking down Mt. Werner

© Photoart by Renate Dundys Marrello

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Reflection on Remembrance Day

Yesterday was Remembrance Day.  I spent some time reflecting on the people who fought and died to create the world that I have the opportunity to live in. 

The freedoms that I take for granted were won by their willingness to sacrifice for the good of future generations.  I contemplate what the world would be like without these brave people, not just soldiers, but all the people that are willing to put their lives on the line to fight for what is right and what is good.

The people who fought for better working conditions and those that fought for the vote for woman and for equal opportunity are equally important soldiers in the fight for what is right.  These brave people that scarified so that I can live the life I have today.

I am a woman with freedom and rights.
I live in country that is for the most part caring and compassionate and concerned about people’s rights and opportunities.
I live in a country that accepts that people come in different races and creeds and beliefs and finds a way to be tolerant of the differences even when it is hard to understand them.

I find myself wondering if I would have had the strength to do what some of these brave soldiers have done.  Would I be able / willing to lay down my life for the freedoms of others in the future?  I like to think that if I was in that kind of a situation I would be able to do so.  However I also realize that it takes a lot of courage as well as determination.  Fear must be overcome.  One must be able to face oneself in the mirror every day and say “today is a good day to die”.  What an incredibly brave way to live life!

Renate Dundys Marrello
a proud Canadian

photo credit - unknown

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Estrangement

The loss of a child changes your forever.  It changes how you see yourself.  It changes how you feel about yourself.  It changes your priorities.  It changes your very life.  You find yourself in a place you never expected to be, at the deepest end of a long tunnel and it is a journey just to even see the daylight at the end of the recovery process.

And to know that your child did it to you on purpose, that they removed themselves from your life to punish you for not being perfect, just adds an extra dimension of pain and suffering.  

With death you know it was fate, whether it was an illness or an accident.  However, with estrangement the message is “you are not good enough for me to want to spend time with you”   So not only do you lose your child, you also lose your inner confidence that "love conquers all". Why? Because your love was not enough to create a lasting bond.  Your love was not enough to reach beyond error to forgiveness.  Your love was not enough to create the kind of people that stick by you when the "going gets tough". 

With rejection, fear is allowed in the door; fear that you really are not good enough.  Fear that your best was somehow really flawed.  Worry is also allowed into your life, worry that you are maybe not good enough to be loved.  Worry that you are unlovable.  Worry that you maybe really are not as good a person as you thought you were.  For you see, rejection destroys you to the very core of who you are, right down to the rock bottom of self confidence.

Rejection is the most evil and wicked of all weapons. For it leaves the body alive and destroys the soul, the spirit, and sends your emotions into a tailspin.  It leaves the victim battling for survival.  Every day becomes a battle to re-establish self worth.  Everyday starts with willing yourself to take another step on the journey to healing.  And you do it alone, because the very people that are supposed to be there for you when your spirit is broken, family, are the very ones that wounded you in the first place.

       Is it any wonder that it takes us such a very long time to recover?
       Is it any wonder that we can’t just finish grieving and move on?

Is it any wonder that we are in such a swirl of emotions that one day we can be feeling positive and think that we are making progress and then the next we are right back to the start of the process all over again wondering “what went wrong?” 

Van Gogh

Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~ Unknown 

Renate Dundys MarrelloFollow my Reflections on Facebook

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Today’s New Friend is Tomorrows New Family

Recently, I watched an NCIS episode and there was a heart string tugging scene between Gibbs and Abby.  Abby is struggling with the concept of “is all the good she does enough.”  And Gibbs pulls out the fortune cookie slip she had given him on the day they first met. 

It says, “Today’s new friend is tomorrows new family”  

He returns it to her.  The fact that he has kept it all these years shows Abby that the little things she does, do have a good effect.  Gibbs was given a second family because of Abby’s generous nature.  And as she ponders the slip that has been returned to her, she realizes that she too now has a new family.  A family that stands by her when she has a bad day.  A family that appreciates and values her contributions.

The special message that I was left with is that, the family we are born with may not be the family we are meant to be with.  Circumstances happen, events take place and things change.  We all face moments of doubt, when we wonder if our best efforts are good enough.  Those people who rally around us in our times of self-doubt, they are our “family” in the truest sense of the word. They are the ones who lift us up and allow us to be the best we can be.

The “family” you are born with often take you for granted.  They see mostly your  shortcomings and often they can’t see past your mistakes and inadequacies to the sum total of YOU. 

• Or because they are upset with you they chose to overlook your good points.  
• Or because you cannot fulfill some need in them, they decide that you are at fault.  

They see the negative in you therefore chose to focus on those moments of conflict.  It is this picture of those moments that they use to judge you. This is the picture they reflect back at you.  This is the picture of you they act upon when they reject you. 

Relationships cannot remain healthy and vital without the nourishment of positive encouragement. Relationships cannot move forward in the vacuum of estrangement.  Sometimes what was once good withers and dies through neglect.  Rejection is the ultimate expression of the diminishment of the value of a relationship.  It is the ultimate expression of “you do not matter enough to expend any effort upon.” 

Friends who become like “family” are those people who see the good in you.  They remember the very characteristics that attracted you to them in the first place.  And because they remember the good they elevate us.  They are like a mirror reflecting back our best qualities.  Because the events that led to friendship meant something to them and are cherished; you the individual are cherished and elevated.  In such an environment we become better people because we see reflections of our best selves in their caring actions towards us.

When you see a tree that has fallen and is decaying, you can choose to see the decay or you can chose to see the new growth that springs from the fertile soil the decaying tree created.  “Friends who become family” see the lush new growth whereas family members who have fallen into the trap of taking you for granted remain focused on the decay.

For any relationship to be healthy we must expend effort, looking to see and appreciate the vitality of new growth.  We need to reflect back life affirming and positive messages to those who we care for.  And we also need to have positive and life affirming messages reflected back at us.  Focusing on the decay, and ignoring the growth, or even the potential for growth, will lead to the inevitable decay of the fabric of the relationship. 

So I challenge myself and others to “cherish those people who make up your family.”  Seek the potential in each person.  Be a "positivity" mirror. Nurture and encourage and lift up those in need of your kindness and empathy and compassion. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2013 – 04 - 03
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A symbolic death and rebirth journey

In life things end and we find that we are forced to face new beginnings.  These journeys are not always easy, but in the struggle to make life meaningful we must face these challenges with equal parts courage and strength.


I have recently faced just such a turning point in my life.  I was at an all-time low point, sorrowing for something valuable that I had lost.  The grieving was at that point where in order to survive, it was necessary for me to fine a new pathway forward.  


Everyone, at some time in life, faces those moments, where everything they believed true about their lives is suddenly turned upside down.  When something precious is lost.  The confusion and the pain are overwhelming.  The healing, a lonesome struggle to survive. It does not matter what the trigger event is, the common goal is the path to a new beginning.  For everyone the journey is different.  The time along the cycle of grief must be just right.  And at that point in time the rebirth can start to take shape.


For me the idea of the journey began with the approach of spring.  I had been reading about the historical significance of the “Pagan rights of spring”, the Chinese Wu Xing, where winter must happen before spring can sprout and finally the Christian Easter with its tradition of death and resurrection.  All these elements brought together, led me in the same direction; the importance of creating new beginnings.  I put together a 3 day journey of contemplation and meditation, one that I hoped would guide me in the right direction.


On Friday (Day 1) I reflected on accepting and putting the past to rest.

"We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude."  ~ Charles R. Swindoll  



I began by thinking of my old expectations as something to bury.  Let go of the preconceived expectations that I was holding on to so very tightly.  I will replace them with new ideas and new concepts.  I will bury the expectations that I had for relationships that are over, instead I will start to think of ways to place greater value on new relationships and friendships and allow them to blossom.


When I started to look at it this way, the only thing that I have left to be sad about the past is the way hurtful / painful events made me feel inferior. The only way through that is to learn that my self-esteem should not be tied to the way I was treated.  My self-esteem should come from within. It should come from accepting that contrary to what other people might say or do, I am a good person. I am a kind person. I am worthy. And the journey includes accepting that it is necessary to allow the inner child to heal.


On Saturday (Day 2) I spent the day reflecting on substitution. Removing the expectations leaves a vacuum. It is this vacuum that needs to be filled and I am the only one responsible for filling the vacuum. As long as I am bound to the “what might have beens” in my life, I allow others to have control over my happiness.

“Nature abhors a vacuum”
Francois Rabelais  

If I take control of my life, if I take steps to fill my life with events and people that bring meaning to my life, then I no longer allow past events to affect me. I can fill my life with new friends and meaning will come from being fully invested in the present.  I consciously replaced every item on my “this is what I have lost” list with and item of equal importance on my “this is what my present will contain” list. I am in control of establishing all these very satisfactory alternatives to a full and fulfilling life. The events from the past will no longer be given the power to bring me down.

“We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.”
Dane Cook 

Today, Sunday (Day 3), is the third part of my rebirth journey. I am at a different place in my grief journey and the hurt is no longer so intense.  I accept that I am changing. I accept that I have allowed my experience of the negative event affect my spirit and my soul.


But now I am fighting back, I am taking my life back. If I can't have what was taken from me, I can still enjoy good times with others. Yes I will carry the scars, but every day is becoming easier.  The pain resides only in the memories of past events but those memories do not need to rule the present.


I can take back my life by not letting those past actions continue to have a hold on my feelings in the present. Accepting that which is over. The muses of the past have had their say. But I, no longer have to listen to those voices that say I am unworthy. Those voices want to bring me down, want to hurt me. I need to rebut those negative events with positive self-talk. I am worthy. I am a good human being. I deserve better. I have the power.  I have the option of choosing which voice to listen to.


As I continue forward I can accept that there may be sad days. But I have the power to decide whether or not I will allow those days to have control over me or not. I can choose to turn the message around. I can choose to not be the victim of the negative messages. I can decide that I will not stand for being the target of abusive and bullying behavior.


So today I am reflecting on rebirth. The rebirth of my life, a new life, a different life.  I will remind myself that different does not imply inferior.  Different is just different.  And who can say, it may even end up being infinitely better than anything I could have imagined.


Some things will not be in my life because of the choices others have made.  But new and different things will find room in my life because of the choices I make!  It is in my power to negate other people’s ability to hurt me, manipulate me and control me.  In so doing I gain my freedom.  I give myself permission to resurrect my own new life. I free myself to be a different me.

2013 – 03 – 31
Renate Dundys Marrello

  

   © Photoart by Renate Dundys Marrello

©  My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright

You may quote and share if you contact me and ask for permission

Hard copies may not be made

Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.