Reflections on my memories of my Dad on All Saints Day.

Today is All saints day

I honour the memory of my father and my grandparents and even all the ancestors that I know so little about.  They are the reason I am here today. 
 

Their lives are reflected in me through their genes and the teachings of my father.  The stories, that are remembered and passed on, of the hardships of his childhood and youth remind me that even out adversity a noble heart can be forged.
 

My dad only had a little time to spend with me because he was so busy making a living to support our family.  And yet when I pause to reflect back I remember all kinds of little moments that are precious memories. 

My memories with him are fleeting glimpses into my past: 

• Helping him cook Sunday breakfast 
• Lounging on the sand while spending the day at Wasaga Beach
• Cold winter days when he drove me to school before going to work. 
• Shoveling snow together and the time he had to crawl out of the “milk box” because the snow was so high piled against the door he could not open it.
• Skating on Grenadier Pond 
• Sunday afternoons in the living room watching Walter Cronkite and Ed Sullivan
• Following the first moon landing together 
• Listening to him sing “Waltzing Matilda!"
• Summer days at the “garage” helping him work on cars and sharing lunch on the car seat benches in the lunch room
• Him falling asleep on Christmas Eve because he was so exhausted from working so long and hard
• He taught me to build bird houses and how to paint.
• He made me a swing in the back yard and taught me now to swing.
• He taught me to ride my bicycle and later how to drive a car.
• He was patient even when I messed up and even when angry at what I had done helped me to grow and learn from the opportunity.  
• He taught me by his example what it is like to be uncomplaining, to make the best of difficult circumstances.
• He was always smiling and joyfully approached his work and the chores around the house.  
• He gave me the gift of music and the opportunity to learn to play the accordion.  He nurtured in me the perseverance needed to get good at playing and helped me find the discipline for daily practice.
• He taught me how to be loving and kind, generous and forgiving. 

Thank you Dad – I miss you!   I hope you are proud of me and the way I have tried to follow in your footsteps. And I pray that someday my own children will remember the good moments that we have shared.

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2014 - 11 - 01 


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Post Estrangement: When the Shame Ends and Self Worth Returns...

...you start to find the joy in life
and live again

When I was first estranged by my daughter I was ashamed, I felt it was me, that I was to blame, that I was a failure and that I was not good enough.  I felt burdened not only by the grief of the estrangement but also that I was somehow to blame for everything that went wrong. During this time I was very secretive about my grief.  I hid it from everyone except my very closest most trusted friends.  I removed myself from the lives of anyone tainted or influenced by my daughters' point of view, anyone who did not even respect me enough to ask for my side of the story.

Instead I started keeping a journal as a place to write my thoughts, often working in secret, facing the confusing and bewildering emotions that assailed me.  I thought I was alone in being this terrible person, so terrible in fact that my daughter wanted nothing to do with me. 

I did not want any of my secret recriminating thoughts to be seen by her as I flayed myself for every possible mistake I might ever have inadvertently made.  At one point in time I even blamed myself for making her into the self-centered, narcissistic person that she is.  After all if she can do this horrible thing to me then it must be my fault for having raised her to be capable of such behaviour.

Then gradually over time, I learned more and more about estrangement and the people who choose to estrange. I joined support groups and came to realize there were thousands of others going through the same emotionally scaring trauma. 

The more I learnt about personality and character traits and behaviours, the more I came to understand that it wasn't me....it was my estranged daughter who has the problem.   I am who I have always been a loving, caring, kind, generous, giving, honest person, someone who routinely put others ahead of myself, I never changed.  That fact is that she changed.   She "allowed" others to influence her to change her relationship with me.  She was the one who created reasons and created a story to justify her actions.   She was the one who decided to not have me in her life. She was the one that started issuing ultimatums designed to manipulate and control.  She became a bully when she started using bullying tactics.  All of that is on her not on me.

Now time has passed, over 5 years in fact, and I have learned and changed.  I now post about estrangement, about how it affects families and individuals about how it is epidemic and anything else I wish to post to bring this topic out into the open, to help others realize the stigma is not in being estranged....but rather the stigma is on those that feel that estrangement is the solution to a communication problem.

Those who estrange do so because it is too hard from them to face the hard work of effective communication and relationship building.  They run away from conflict rather than looking at ways of resolving conflict.   They are the problem and they have the problem and they choose to estrange rather than deal with the problem and move forward.  They chose live in the past and to hold onto a grudge from the past because it is the easy way out.  They lay blame because it is easier than facing their own inner demons and their own faults and short comings.  It is easiest to lay the blame on someone else than look too closely and with introspection at their own inadequacies and their own poor choices. 

And I have no problem now with being the voice in the dark that calls it like it is.   If I or any other parent has done the best they could and then offered apologies for any miss understandings or omissions that may have come about in the process and then still not been forgiven, then the problem lies not with us but rather with those that hold onto the grudge even past reason, just for the sake of holding on to the grudge.

They continue to hold on to the past and their grievances beyond all reason.  They do so just so they can continue to deny to themselves the fact that they have chosen to run away from a difference of opinion rather than facing and negotiating a forward looking solution.  Where there is no communication there is no give and take, where there is no give and take there is no compromise.  It takes maturity to realize that compromise is necessary for effective relationships. It takes maturity to give up a grudge. 

I am finally at that place of learning and understanding where I realize that I can apologize for all my errors in judgment but I can't force my daughter to accept my apology. Reconciliation requires both parties to participate; it is not a one way street.

And oddly enough, I now find that all the counseling and therapy and support group work have led me to a place where I now value myself enough to realize that I too am owed an apology for the way that I have been treated.  I did not do anything to warrant this kind of punishment.  Time outs are not meant to last for days, let alone months and years.  

• No one deserves to be given the silent treatment.  
• No one deserves to be bullied or manipulated using the withdrawal of love as the punishment.  
• No one deserves to be subjected to the abuse of neglect and estrangement because of a difference of opinion.

That is not how loving relationships are sustained.

So where does all of this knowledge and awareness lead me?  

• It leads me to that place where I realize that I have every right to my feelings on the topic of estrangement.  
• It leads me to a place of personal freedom and acceptance that what I experience as a result of the estrangement is mine. 
• It also leads me to that place where if they (the estrangers) take offence for me expressing my point of view and my feelings then that too is their problem.   

I am just as entitled to my opinions and my feelings in response to their actions as they are entitled to the option that they have chosen...which was their use of, “the silent treatment” as a form of punishment for my parenting skills being found inadequate. 

Their attempt to manipulate me into capitulating to their demands through the "silent treatment" no longer is going to work because I have come to the conclusion that I am just as deserving of respect as they think they are.  And since their actions show clearly that they do not respect me, then it is not my obligation to respect them.   And if I do not respect their choice of actions then I also have no obligation to respect their demands.

I think that with the passage of time I have developed a hard outer shell to protect my heart and my spirit which are still so very vulnerable.   I however, have also toughened up to the point where I will no longer tolerate being treated abusively just to "save" a relationship that I did not break. 

I now feel very powerfully from my inner core, they did the breaking....it is now up to them to do the mending.   I have apologized and been ignored.  I will not beg or plead.  My apology needs to be accepted and they also need to be accountable and apologize in return.

I also will not be silenced.  My estrangers can troll my posts all they want ....what can they do to me that they have not already done?   I am already pushed out of their lives....they can't put me out any more.  I am already living the silent treatment....there is nothing they can do to increase the degree of silence.  

• They have already accused me of all my parenting crimes and called me all the names they could think of.   
• They have already told lies about me to those that would listen.  
• They have already influenced all the people that they could to their way of thinking and those who are loyal to me can't be swayed by their lies.   

There is nothing that they can do now that they haven't already done.  There is power in knowing that the worst has already happened.   The family that is already torn asunder by estrangement is already broken,  you can't destroy a thing that has already been destroyed.

So whether they like or dislike that I voice my opinion changes nothing.   And maybe just possibly some estranger will read my messages and realize that you can't solve anything with the silent treatment and the abuse of neglect; and they will make an effort to reconnect with affirmative action and communication!  

What a benefit that would be!  Maybe, just possibly some family somewhere, will be reconnected because I have nothing left to lose.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2014 - 10 - 25

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Reflections on the Work of Living with Estrangement

I love the thought: "working on putting my energy...."   it does not matter how you fill in the next part of the statement.

For me it is a daily job to direct my energy someplace else....because the thought of what I have lost, precious time with my adult child and Grandchildren, is always on my mind....and I have to make a conscious choice to live in spite of that. 

•   
• Every day I direct my life toward healing.
• Every day I direct my life toward the work of taking back my life. 
• Every day I focus on mindfully enjoying my day and being thankful for what I have. 

Things that I used to do naturally are now part of my “special routine” to allow me to face the day. 

• Every day I struggle to get up and do the things that bring me joy because it would be so much easier to just sit with the sorrow.   
• Every day I choose to take one more step on my recovery journey to embrace life as it is not as I wish it to be.   

I do this for myself but I am well aware that it is a conscious choice, it comes with effort, it is like I am pulling myself out of the abyss of sorrow and grief.   

• Every day I make choices that put me back into the world of the living in the present and I fight against that corner of my mind that would stay stuck in the past.   

Living every day in the present, knowing all that has been lost is a challenge and a choice.  

It is work.   

It should not be this much work.  It should not take this much effort to be happy and joyous and grateful.  

After five years of grieving, you would think that it would get easier.  I say all the right words to myself, I do move forward, I do live my life, and yet still there is energy expended just to do that which I know I must to take “living life” back and I know that if I stopped expending that energy I would drift back down to that place of just existing.  The prison; where my own child has thrown me when she walked away and took such a huge chunk of my heart with her.  

• I work hard putting my energy into surviving, 
• I work hard putting my energy into living, 
• I work hard putting my energy towards just staying where I naturally stood before the emotional trauma of being abandoned. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2014 - 10 - 06 

2015 - 07 -11 
P.S.  The days pass, then energy to fight against inertia is still needed, but each day it is a little bit easier.  There are fewer moments of looking back and more moments of looking forward.  The energy expended on healing has been rewarded with success.

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Reflections on the Dynamics of Change in the Face of Estrangement

I am 5 years into this estrangement and so many things have changed for me. I have gone from being a mother with three grown up children to a cast off person, a persona non grata in two of their lives.*  As a cast off I was adrift in an ocean of insecurity and doubt.  I was forced upon a path of change for my very survival.

As more time passes my perspective has changed.   I see things very differently now than even just a few years ago.  I have gone from wanting reconciliation at all costs to accepting that reconciliation is highly unlikely, even doubtful.  

Why has my point of view changed?

First, over time, I have learnt that the adult children who estrange tend to hide behind generalities.  Story after story reflects this.  My own estranged daughter said “she could not talk to me”. She somehow thought that this vague statement would explain to me all my shortcomings without her having to face her own inner personal demons, or put into words exactly what she thought I had done wrong that left her feeling this way.  

By using a generalized statement that does not lend itself to any kind of dialogue, she protects herself from the need to face her own shortcomings. If she opened up a “REAL” dialogue, questions might be asked that require thoughtful answers. 

• So much easier to hide behind a smoke screen of abstract words that do not lead to a healing place.
  
• So much easier to chart a path away from communication that towards it. 

• So much easier to throw up barriers than to face the consequences of hearing a different point of view or extenuating circumstances. 

• So much easier to lay all the blame at my door step than to face the error of some of her own choices.

It is almost as though these adult children think that by not facing the real issues in their lives they can perpetually blame us, the parent, for everything that is wrong in their lives. By deflecting the truth of their own inner inadequacies away from themselves they don’t have to face the tragedy of their own failings. By using us, the parent, as their scape goat they get to pretend a little while longer that they are better people than us, their parents. By not facing their own shortcomings they can pretend to be better than they are.  

The second thing that has changed my perspective, is that in facing all my shortcomings, living through all the grief, experiencing all the pain that I have had to endure as an estranged parent, I have come face to face with all my inner demons.   In order to survive such rejection and abandonment I have had to look at all the ugly bits inside me.  The parts of me that fears to be alone, that part that needs the approval of others to be validated, the part of me that needs to “fit in”, to be appreciated, to be loved and wanted. 

In coming face to face with these inner demons I have been forced to learn and grow as an individual, to overcome my self-doubts, to start building a new inner personna more empowered than I ever dreamt possible.

But more than just facing my weaknesses, I have also learnt about my inner strengths and attributes making me a better person in the end.  I have been facing my demons; I have looked my shortcomings squarely in the face and acknowledged what I unintentionally failed to give to my children. 

I have been seeking knowledge and awareness about myself.  And that knowledge has empowered me to find a better understanding of people and their actions and why they hide from the truths they don’t want to face.   In doing so, I have been learning how I can improve and grow and become a better person.  I am proud of this new version of me, the one that sees and understands so much more than the old “Pollyanna” me.

The more my adult children continue to hurt me with their silence and rejection, the longer the estrangement and abandonment lasts, the more the unnamed accusations hang unspoken in the air between us, and the more I learn about the nature of these adult children and what motivates them to seek this particular course of action, the greater is the awareness of my own needs and driving forces.

The more aware I become, the greater the divide between them and me becomes.  

For I am growing and becoming and changing whereas they are stagnant in their denial and refusal to learn and grow. As they hold onto a grudge it keeps them rooted in the past and there is no learning or growing in the past.  

• Learning and growing happens in the present. Learning a growing happens when you face problems and seek for solutions.
• Learning and growing happens through reflection and communication and seeking understanding through other points of view. 

I am learning about compassion and forgiveness and acceptance, whereas they live with denial, a refusal to forgive or ask for forgiveness and they persevere in behavior that is the antithesis of accepting the failings in others.  

I face my mistakes and my humanity and frailty, and they deny that they make mistakes and insist that they are above reproach and are unerring in their judgments.

It is at times like this, when I face the growing gap between the positive changes in me, and the unchanging, unyielding anger in my estranged children that I realize that the future with a reconciliation in it is a very unlikely event for we are growing apart rather than together.  

• I am evolving and they are remaining embittered and blaming.  

• I am stretching my definitions of who I am and what I am capable of and they are still putting our relationship inside a “history box of unchanging recriminations”.  

• I am seeking to know and to better understand what motivates them to act the way they do , while they are working hard to not know or understand me.
  
• I am learning to let go and forgive and they hold onto grudges as though it were a life line.  

As long as we are on such divergent pathways, how is any kind of compromise possible?

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2014 - 07 - 20

* 2015 - 07 - 11:  I is now 1  year since I wrote this blog, and one estranged child has started to make an effort to rebuilt bridges.  This is a work in progress and I am appreciative of the effort she is making.  Having said this I must also say that reconciliation brings with it new emotions, new challenges and new trials to become aware of. These lead me to a totally a new set of challenges and a many different topics for contemplation.
2016 - 10 - 28:  More time has passed, and the anger my estranging adult child feels has not changed.  Her brother asked her to consider change and follow a new path and she exploded in fury.  I sorrow that she feels the need to live with such unrelenting anger.  Sadly the family remains fractured. We try to build new traditions, new ways to move forward, but always there is that empty place, like an elephant in the room that we don't talk about. 

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Reflections on a Wall of Silence:

It is five years for me now since my daughter has spoken to me.  

Yes she is always on my mind; where is she, what is she doing, another day of no contact, another day of not knowing.   However, I have stopped asking why, or what did I do wrong.  I no longer punish myself with unanswerable questions and circular thinking that leads nowhere.

St. Marks Wildlife Refuge - walking in nature is my refuge. 

The fact is that I know I did nothing knowingly wrong.   It is all on her...her interpretation of what she feels I did not do well enough. Since she does not even have the courage to face me in a face to face conversation and talk....it is on her for being a coward and hiding behind a "wall of silence."

Yes I am hurt, rejection hurts.  

Yes I am sad, I lost not only my daughter but my expectations of what my senior years would look like with family around me.  

Yes I suffered all the PTSD symptoms that go with living through a traumatic ordeal like this.  

But, I have come to that place where I accept that it is what it is.   I can chose to live in the past or the wistful thinking of what might have been.  Or I can chose to create something new and meaningful for my present and future.   I choose the later.  It is not easy.   But it is the only option for me.

Passive Aggressive adult children, like my daughter, who estrange, are upset about something.  I grant them that they do have the right to feel the way they do about whatever it is that they are upset about. I have no wish to deny them this right or their feelings.

However, they also have to accept that they do not have the right to deny me the right to my feelings and my thoughts and my reasons for my choices.

When choosing to remain silent about whatever it is that they are angry about, however, it is my opinion that they are just acting like cowards.

Talking, really sincerely talking and communicating about what that something is, seems to be too much of a challenge for them.  For some reason they can not express in a civilized conversation what it is that annoys them so much and has them feeling so angry. 

Communication which could lead to resolution is beyond them.  So they remain forever in the past laying blame and expressing hatred, and they live with that emotion, they allow it to fester in their conscious and unconscious minds.  That grudge colours the way they look at things.  It colours their life choices.  It taints their psyche, and even though they are unaware of it, it is like a disease they carry in their deepest darkest thoughts. 

Communication also requires listening!  Listening to that other point of view!  They fear the consequences of bringing their grievances out into the open because they fear hearing the other side of the story.   Therefore, they use the passive approach, rejection and silent treatment.   Like that can solve anything!?   They allow that silence to express all the anger they feel and it festers in them unchanging and unresolved.

The problem with this approach is that NOTHING changes and nothing gets resolved.  

• No issues are confronted and dealt with. 

• Child hood issues remain unresolved and are allowed to fester and influence what should be adult choices.

• There is no closure for anyone involved.  Not for the parent, not for the now adult child and even the next generation, the grandchildren, are left dangling with unresolved past issues clouding the scene.

If I could send a message to adult children that estrange it would be this:

• Be courageous!  
• Accept that you have nothing to be gained by remaining silent.
• Sit down and really talk about what is bothering you. 
• Talk in a calm rational voice and you will be listened to!  
• State what you felt / are feeling in a mature conversation.
• Don’t lay blame and guilt trips.
• Don't talk in a criticizing, accusatory or demeaning manner. 
• Don't think you can scream and call names and be abusive and get results. 
• Expect answers and explanations.  Nothing is as simple as you imagine.  There are always extenuating circumstances.
• If you wish your point of view to be respected, be prepared to also respect the other point of view. 

You have to act as mature as you say you are, not act like a petulant child that did not get their way and now sulks waiting for some placating gesture.  Temper tantrums are not a way to show your maturity. 

Stop sulking and start facing the reality that parents are not some "perfect creature" with divine insight into how to be the perfect parent in every situation.  Parents do the best they can at the moment when they have a choice that needs to be made.  Sure, in hindsight maybe, the choice was not the best one…but you can’t roll back the clock and change your mind.  You accept you made a mistake, you apologize and you move on hoping that the next time a difficult decision needs to be made you have the resources to do better.

Parents do not step into parenting thinking that they will willfully hurt their children.  Parents do not set out to harm their children in anyway.   And if you really believe that is possible look into the eyes of your own child and say “I am going to knowingly and willfully harm you in every way I can”    Was it possible…could you think or say that to your child? Could you imagine following through on such a thought?   So if you could not do it why do you try to accuse your parents of doing so?

Life happens, things happen, choices have to be made based on the events and the knowledge at that moment.  You can't parent with the hindsight of future knowledge.  No parenting crystal ball has yet been invented!  

So if your feelings were hurt because of something a parent said or did in a moment of life induced stress, come to accept that "this is life".   Express your feelings about that incident and the be prepared to listen to what the parent was going through at the time that led to that choice. 

Listen to the regret and accept that expression of regret for what it is, remorse that we made a mistake.  Every choice bears consequences.  Not all the consequences are the ones we would wish for.  But that is the nature of life and living life!  

We live, we make mistakes, we learn. 

Here is a new thought, instead of hiding behind a wall of silence, talk about what upset you.  Shine the light of day upon your grudges.   Ask to hear the other side of the story!   There always is another side to the story! 

You may be surprised at what you learn, about the agony that went into making that choice that left you feeling the way you do.  You may gain a whole new perspective and understanding of the humanity of your parents. 

If you continue to hide behind your shield of silence and non communication, I can guarantee 100% for sure, that nothing will change.  You will continue to feel the anger and annoyance and that anger and annoyance will taint your life choices, and the consequences of your choices,  in ways that you can’t even yet imagine.  You will carry that burden with you and it will have an impact on your life! From a position of life experience I can tell you that is a certainty. 

Life can be very different if you chose to come forward for some honest dialogue. 

You may not hear what you want to hear, but you will hear a truth that you have not allowed yourself to see.  And you may learn that being an adult means accepting different points of view.  You may learn that being an adult requires give and take.  You may learn that it is okay to agree to disagree and still find a way to get along.

What a mature concept!

(C) Renate Dundys Marrello
2014 - 04 - 09

2017 - 07 - 20
More time has passed like so much water under the bridge. I continue to learn so much and much of that learning I would love to share with my estranging daughter, so that she does not have to learn the hard way some day.  Alas, she holds onto whatever it is that has her so angry to the point of ostracizing anyone who encourages her to take a hold of the the hand of peace reaching out to her.  Her anger isolates her as much as it isolates me.  She relives that anger every time she enumerates my faults.  I have now moved on. I have forgiven her for the choices she has made.  I am ready and have the skills to be able to begin the construction of a bridge of reconciliation.  As always it takes both parties to be willing to listen and it takes changes in response to triggers to be able to communicate with respect. As long as only one party has done the work to prepare for that step the healing of the relationship cannot commence. Breaking the cycle of ineffective communication requires a willingness to learn.  My prayer each day is for the heart of my daughter to be touched with healing. 

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Accountability is not supposed to be a one way street

There is a trend among young adults these days estrange themselves from their parents.

They justify this by blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives.  The list of reasons is as long as the number of families suffering through these estrangements.   Every estranged adult child has a litany of reason why their parents weren't satisfactory.   They use these reasons as excuses to sever relationships with their parents.  They say this is for them a journey to self hood, to emancipation from the values of their parents.  To express themselves.

Young adults have always made this journey through adolescence to adulthood, and most parents, if they are honest with themselves expect their children to undergo some form of emancipation as they establish themselves in their own separate lives.  In fact I would wager that most parents WANT their offspring to lead independent successful lives.  Part of a parent's work is to teach our offspring the skills needed to some day be independent.  Most parents rejoice when they see their children capable of taking on the responsibilities of adult independent lives.  They see this as validation that they did a good job as a parent when their child grows to be an adult that no longer needs them for the requirements of everyday living.   An expression of rebellion and independence is welcomed!

However, something vital has changed!

In order to “express this rebellion” it has seemingly become necessary to lay blame on the parent for something.  It does not matter what the something is so long as they blame the parent for it in such a way as to say “because you did “xyz”  you were a bad parent to me and therefore I will estrange you from my life.

It is no longer enough for the emancipating adult child to just say “I want to do this my way”.  To express their autonomy and thereafter to make their own path is not enough!  

They now feel that they have the right to say to the parent, “if you disagree with me you are wrong and I won’t speak to you until you agree with me”.  They want their way to become the only right way.

They want control over their parent’s thinking, their parent’s feelings, and their parent’s actions.  Some of them label their parents with “armchair psychological symptoms” to assuage their guilt, as in “I can’t be around a toxic person”

Here is where it gets really tricky.  I always supposed that a relationships between adults was based on equality.  Where everyone has the right to their opinion and where friendships are not devalued because of different points of view.

I read an interesting article the other day by Dr Joshua Coleman. In it he says:

“….you talk about your perspective and he or she talks about theirs. You talk about how you felt hurt or misunderstood. Your kid talks about how she or he feels hurt or misunderstood. You put your heads together and make sense of it, and you move on and get closer as a result.

That is not the case once there’s an estrangement in place. It’s not that kind of a dynamic. A lot of adult children say they want a relationship of equality, but in reality, it probably isn't going to be a relationship that feels very equal to you. ….. It requires that you have to give without really expecting very much in return. You’re going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that it’s a one-way street…” 

Dr. Joshua Coleman goes on to say that if we want a relationship with these estranging adult children we have to play by their rules.

What is this really saying?

It is saying that the estranging adult child wants everything their way.

The estranging adult child wants you to cave to all their demands, accept all the responsibility for everything that is wrong (absolve the adult child of any guilt the may feel over their actions)

The estranging adult child says they want a relationship only if they get to set the rules and play their games with your emotions and your heart.

The estranging adult child is saying; “we are in control of this relationship and you have no say in the matter and if you cross us on any of our rules you will be once again punished with estrangement.

The estranging adult child is saying that you the parent don’t count.  Your feelings don’t count.  You are unimportant.  Only I the adult child am important. 

I find this one way street approach to be incredibly insensitive to my needs as an individual. 

Am I expected to accept rude demeaning behaviour from another adult in order for me to earn the right to be in their life?  Am I expected to put all my needs and my feelings on hold so as not to offend?  Am I, as an adult supposed to allow another adult to manipulate me and control me to the point where I do everything I can to please them or else they will reject me?

I write this and think, isn’t this juvenile school yard behaviour?   Isn’t this reminiscent of what children taunt each other with “I won’t be your friend if you…..”

Am I supposed to become a child bowing down to the school yard bully, only this time the school yard bully is my own adult child, now grown and thinking they have the right to control and manipulate me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions?

A find this concept rather hard to swallow.

And let’s say that I do accept these “New Rules” and play that game.  What kind of a relationship would that really be? 

This one way street where I am always wrong and they are always right. 

This scenario where they presume to control me with their demands, while I am expected to acquiesce to their demands.  

Is this really a relationship?  
Sounds more like a dictatorship to me.

So the questions that need to be asked are as follows. 

• Is a relationship with these emancipated estranging adults worth my self dignity?
• Can I feel good about myself when I am not true to who I am in order to make them feel good about themselves?
• What about my personal value as a human being, am I to deny myself the right to be of equal value?
• And is accepting a one way street relationship even good for my self esteem?
• Is establishing a one way relationship worth all that I would be expected to give up?
• Is no relationship better than one where I have to put on a mask and forever pretend to be someone who I am not?
• Does any relationship asking me to sacrifice my true self this much worth it?

My personal response is NO IT IS NOT!

• Better my dignity than a relationship where I am forever the trodden upon.
• Better my own company than the company of those who feel they have the right to control me.
• Better my own life lived with validation and honesty than one where I put on a mask of supplication and inferiority.
• I will not sacrifice my value as a human being to aggrandize anyone’s ego.

Alone and Strong

This is my opinion.

I am entitled to my opinion.

In my two way street approach to relationships my opinion is just as valid and valuable as their opinion.

And anyone who feels the need to squash my opinion in order for their opinion to have value is not really welcome in my life.

© Renate Dundys Marrello


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