Monday, October 6, 2014

Reflections on the Work of Living with Estrangement

I love the thought: "working on putting my energy...."   it does not matter how you fill in the next part of the statement.

For me it is a daily job to direct my energy someplace else....because the thought of what I have lost, precious time with my adult child and Grandchildren, is always on my mind....and I have to make a conscious choice to live in spite of that. 

  • Every day I direct my life toward healing.
  • Every day I direct my life toward the work of taking back my life. 
  • Every day I focus on mindfully enjoying my day and being thankful for what I have. 

Things that I used to do naturally are now part of my “special routine” to allow me to face the day. 

  • Every day I struggle to get up and do the things that bring me joy because it would be so much easier to just sit with the sorrow.   
  • Every day I choose to take one more step on my recovery journey to embrace life as it is not as I wish it to be.   

I do this for myself but I am well aware that it is a conscious choice, it comes with effort, it is like I am pulling myself out of the abyss of sorrow and grief.   

  • Every day I make choices that put me back into the world of the living in the present and I fight against that corner of my mind that would stay stuck in the past.   

Living every day in the present, knowing all that has been lost is a challenge and a choice.  

It is work.   

It should not be this much work.  It should not take this much effort to be happy and joyous and grateful.  

After five years of grieving, you would think that it would get easier.  I say all the right words to myself, I do move forward, I do live my life, and yet still there is energy expended just to do that which I know I must to take “living life” back and I know that if I stopped expending that energy I would drift back down to that place of just existing.  The prison; where my own child has thrown me when she walked away and took such a huge chunk of my heart with her.  

  • I work hard putting my energy into surviving, 
  • I work hard putting my energy into living, 
  • I work hard putting my energy towards just staying where I naturally stood before the emotional trauma of being abandoned. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2014 - 10 - 06 

2015 - 07 -11 
P.S.  The days pass, then energy to fight against inertia is still needed, but each day it is a little bit easier.  There are fewer moments of looking back and more moments of looking forward.  The energy expended on healing has been rewarded with success.

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  1. God bless us all, going through this, so glad I found your blog.

  2. Thank you, thank you, thank you��

  3. I too am trying to learn how to grieve. How to live with this unending grief from the death of a relationship that was murdered by choice. It was killed with all the intention and glee in the world. I will never know why. It's a divorce I can do nothing about but I am tired of blaming myself as if I could change anything I do to make things better and make this "all go away." It's no different than being battered by a spouse, emotionally, verbally and/ or physically, but it's now by an adult child. It's no different at all.

    I would not tolerate this mistreatment from a spouse so why should I accept this from a child? No, I had to stand up for myself. I just never dreamt that it would mean the end of our relationship, with no reconciliation in sight. I have come to the hard realization that some people DON'T WANT RECONCILIATION. For whatever reason, they want and need to blame someone else and stay angry for whatever particular and personal reasons they have.

    Dear God help me to learn to Love him from a distance, and learn how to grieve. I love my son and will always do so, and I am learning to love myself and never accept mistreatment from anyone, ever again.

    Dear God please show us The Way. Gracias, Amen.

    Thank you for your honest and heartfelt blog. Dear God help us learn how to love and value ourselves, no matter what another may say. We all deserve good treatment and positive relationships, and we have to be willing to step away from the destructive ones. No matter who it is or what they are doing. Our first obligation must be to love and protect ourselves, and then everyone in our circle and in our world. Dear God please show us The Way.

  4. "the emotional trauma of being abandoned." Yes, that is it in a nutshell. How do we deal with rejection, betrayal and abandonment by the ones we love the most? It's a daily - and nightly - exercise for myself. Every time I find myself sinking into depression and grief, I try to practice patience, pardon and prayer. Every day and every night, with every thought that finds it's way in.

    "The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails."

    Dear God please show us The Way.

    The Three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it."

    Love them from a distance.

    Dear God please show me The Way.

  5. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. My estrangement from my daughter and grandsons (2 years and 3 months) is going on a little over a year. This blog you wrote describe me exactly. Day by day! The only thing that keeps me going is my faith in God!

    1. For me the hardest is the loss of my grandsons. I was bonded with them and now cannot see them, may never again see them and eventually they'll forget about us. It helps to know there are others in this situation. As for my daughter, I do also miss her but it's my grandsons who had no control over this.

  6. "I work hard putting my energy into surviving,
    I work hard putting my energy into living,
    I work hard putting my energy towards just staying where I naturally stood before the emotional trauma of being abandoned. "

    Thank you, Renate. Me, too. Every single day. Dear God please heal these relationships that have not healed. Dear God show us The Way.

  7. Debbie Anne... I understand how you feel... it's so difficult, if not impossible, to break the bonds of love once they have been formed. I thank God every single day that my son doesn't have children as I'm sure I would not be allowed to see them. The hardest part for me is not knowing "why." All children love me and "wish I were their mother," all children except my own. I can hardly believe this estrangement is still going on, but it is. And there is nothing I can do about it. I am completely helpless.

    He says "You know what you did and until you admit to it, I have nothing further to say to you" and that was almost nine years ago. And I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about. It is a knife in my heart that never goes away.

    I have no idea what "crimes" I would commit with his children if he had any, and I would surely be used as a babysitter and ATM for them, but would it still be worth it? I would probably say YES. That's the worst of it!

    What can we do? Adopt other children; volunteer at an orphanage, day care or after school program? There are so many children who would LOVE to have any kind of parents or grandparents looking out for them... I know it wouldn't be the same, but at least we could try.

    Let us find resolution to heal these wounds that have not healed.

    Dear God please show us The Way. Gracias, Amen.

  8. All survivors of P.A.S. suffer mistrust and need connection with others who experience the ravages of thirs despicable manipulation. I have a page, Moms Abandoned/Rejected by Adult Children if you are interested in posting and or reading it. May God continue to strengthen all who live day to day with this personal "hell".