Post Estrangement: the Hazards of Being Dutiful

Quote:  
“Distance yourself from the people who; lie to you, disrespect you, use you, put you down.”

Permission to distance myself from those who caused me harm never occurred to me until I was well into my healing journey of recovery from being estranged. 

Looking back now, I think one of the root causes of estrangement was that my estranged daughter saw how I tolerated the subtle abuse from my family; the little put downs, the jabs at my ability, the condescending remarks, the barely hidden sneers of derision, how my efforts were not appreciated etc.  

She saw the pain I experienced at family events, where I was taken for granted, ignored, pushed aside, laughed at, teased etc.   She learned that I tolerated abuse and thus she had no reservations about emulating that behaviour and becoming the same category of abuser, the subtle kind, the paper cut kind, the kind where you don’t bleed to death but you do bleed and hurt with each cut.

Maybe if I had been less ‘duty bound’ to stay loyal and obedient to family I would have set a different example.

It is one of those things that I am learning in hindsight; it is not always best to do the ‘duty’ thing believing that it is the right thing to do.  Being obedient to duty alone does have repercussions because in showing what we are willing to tolerate for the sake of family; we teach our offspring that we don’t value ourselves.  They learn by watching that in not respecting ourselves we don’t demand to be respected, and they learn that they don’t need to respect us either.   I have come to believe that maybe if I had had boundaries and knew how to communicate those boundaries I would have set a different example. 

I often hear estranged parents say "why do my children do this to me when I stayed loyal to my family of origin even though they were not a nice family, I did my ‘duty’ why don't my children do their duty?”  

I tussled with that for a long, long time.  I stayed loyal to my abusers because I did not even realize I was being abused!  That is how normal that kind of talk and behaviour was in my family.  It was so normalized that I thought I was deficient and therefore deserved to be spoken to that way!  I never realized that there is a down-side, a hazard to being dutiful! No one talks about this!  They only talk about how important it is to be dutiful! Being dutiful is praised and glorified and because of this we never look at the dark side!  I challenge you; find a single quote that warns about what negative side effects being blindly dutiful might incur. 

And because I thought it was ‘normal’ I allowed my children to watch me being abused!  Was that really the outcome I wanted from staying loyal?  Did I really want them to learn that you stay connected to abusive people?
Of course not!  I thought I was teaching them family values; that you love family even when they misbehave.  I thought I was teaching them that love means you accept people’s negative personality traits by overlooking them.

Of course that is not what they learned at all.  What they learned is that the peace keeper, the people pleaser, is receptive to being mistreated, unworthy of respect. What they learned is that I tolerate neglect, thoughtlessness, criticism in silence.  They thought that my acceptance of such treatment made me weak.  They did not see loyalty, they saw weakness.  And they chose not to be weak; they chose to follow the example of the ones they saw were in their estimation the 'strong ones'.

That meant that they felt they could get away with being mean to me.  I remember well being afraid of my own children when they were in their teens. I was afraid of their anger when they did not get their own way.  I was afraid when they hurled abusive words at me when I set guidelines for their safety or for cordial behaviour.  I continued my learned pattern of backing down instead of affirming boundaries because I feared losing their love.

Instead I lost their respect.  How can you respect a mother who appears weak to you?  How can you respect a mother who tolerates put downs?  How can you respect someone who is kind to you even after you have pointed out to them that they are inadequate?  That is how my children treated me throughout their teens.  And I accepted it because I thought that is how I showed them my love!

Early estrangement cut me off from all three of my adult children.  They agreed that I was the problem.  They agreed that there was something wrong with me, that I insufficient, that I was not enough, that I was unworthy of their love.  They already had no respect for me, so why should they love me?

Over time, 2 of my adult children changed their minds. They started to see what I put up with, when the hurtful behaviours that were always my lot were now also extended to them.  They started to experience the judgmental and critical side of our family. 

They made peace and reunited with me.  Interestingly; once the healing work I did included having boundaries, once I started sticking up for myself, my relationship with my returning adult children improved. To what extent, it is still too early to tell. But they do know that I no longer tolerate abusive comments to be directed at me, and their behaviour is changing in response.  Instead of toleration; I now see glimmers of love and respect in the way they treat me.    

To me this serves as a reminder that as we change due to our healing process, we also affect a change in others.  We inevitably push away those who resent the changes in us, those who resent that we no longer are a push over; and we draw in those who appreciate the kindness that lead us to being such a push over in the first place, who now find a new reason to respect and love us.  

Renate Dundys Marrello

2019 – 01 – 13

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