My Daily Reflections: Do I miss you? or Do you deserve to be missed?

One of the healing forums I attend asked this question:  do you miss people when you are not with them?

I pondered that question because I find that there are people that I do miss and yet there are those that I don’t miss, or rather that I have learned and accepted that have not earned the right to continue to be missed.   

I do believe this is an important question to ponder because there is something to be learned here about relationships and why some relationships make us feel more comfortable than others.  Why some relationships build us up and others tear us down.  Why some relationships feel like a duty and others like a joy.

As I heal I am learning that I don't miss "some" people.

I have learned, during time spent in introspection, that the people I don't "miss" are the ones that have / had a track record of "using me".   

• Those people who whenever I was with them, I came away feeling emotionally drained.  
• Those who left me feeling exhausted and I felt relief to get away from!   
• Those where the time apart is restorative and so I remained relieved not having to deal with them.  

Those are the people that I have discovered that I don't miss them when I don’t see them.  Not only that when I do think about them I feel this negative shudder about anticipating seeing them any time soon.

I do miss people who behave in such a ways that makes me feel loved or accepted or validated because in their presence I am authentically me and that "feels good" so I miss the "feel good" when I am not with them.  

I struggle to accept myself just as I am.  I worry that I am not good enough, that I am not lovable. These are the false core beliefs that I am constantly working on.  As I think about this aspect of myself I recognize that those people that most help me on my healing journey of self-acceptance are the ones that I miss; for they reflect back to me what I am striving so hard to feel about myself.  Naturally I also miss them as a person because they are the kind of people that lift others up.  They get joy from making others feel good.  They don’t need to put others down to feel good about themselves so they spread good feelings to others.  They feel like souls at peace.  I miss being around souls at peace because they show me what it feels like to be a soul at peace myself.  They show me clearly what I am striving for.

I do think that all this in some way also goes back to attachment issues.   What I know so far is that attachment style reflects what we learned about relationships as a child.  

I believe I learned early that relationships are unsafe.  That sometimes I was wanted and at other times I was in the way, a nuisance.  And I was confused about what was expected and when; and so I learned to withdraw.  

But it was a withdrawing accompanied with thoughts such as; “what is wrong with me now that they don’t want me around”.   

When I am with those people who send me this subliminal message; one that I receive on an intuitive level, that “sometimes I am a bother in their lives, or that I am not meeting their expectations in some way", I feel distinctly uncomfortable.  It is that subtle pushing away that I sense, and I have come to believe that this is what contributes to my discomfort when I am around them.  They reinforce my “unworthy feelings”.   So when I am not around such people is it any wonder that I don’t miss them?  I don’t miss the way they make me feel inadequate, their words, their tone of voice, their looks and even their thoughts seem to penetrate my intuitive awareness leaving a dark cloud of disappointment.

I am new to working out my attachment style and my attachment issues; but I think the bottom line is that I am tired of trying to attach to people who are not good for me.  I am learning that if I don’t miss someone when I am not with them, then subliminally I am getting the message that something about their behaviour, their character is not a good match for mine.  And I am learning that when I feel that way, such a person must be put in the acquaintance category rather than the friend category and I must have higher walls of self-protection when I spend time with them and above all, I can’t trust such people with any vulnerability. 

These are the kinds of people that use vulnerability to manipulate and control.  They are fine to be around for some lighthearted moments but they are not the kinds of people that offer emotional sustenance.  I no longer feel any guilt or regrets over not missing such people when I am not in their company. 

When I spend time with people who see good in me, who encourage me when I have moments of doubt, who express their joy of seeing me as much as I feel joy at seeing them, I feel I am in the company of people of good character, who have done inner healing work.  It is reflected in their body language, in their words and the tone of voice and their actions. When in the company of such people my intuitive awareness becomes filled with light and airiness.  My heart and spirit feels light and buoyant in their presence.  And when I am not with them I miss how two light souls interacting with each other feels.  

These are the friends that I find are in my thoughts regularly and I look forward to seeing them again and I miss especially those who live so far away that I rarely see them.  These people are showing me, teaching me, what healthy attachment feels like.

The more I attach in a good way to the right kind of people; the more I miss not being with those kinds of people....and conversely the less I miss those people with whom I was in an unhealthy attachment relationship with.

I would love to hear from you dear reader, about how you feel about missing or not missing the people in your life. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2019 – 01 – 18

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