Post Estrangement: Confronting the Dysfunction of Neglect

One of the traits in our family history is we don’t communicate about feelings.  We use words to judge, to criticize, to attack, to demand.  This creates a kind of neglect that is mostly invisible.  

Our emotions are a core essence of who we are, and when others fail to recognize this we actually feel ignored as that aspect of us in neglected. Similarly when we ignore how another person feels and judge them only on their actions, we also ignore an essential part of who they are. 

In dysfunction, there seems to be no time taken to entertain the concept that when we ignore how our words make another person feel we are neglecting an essential part of them, and at the same time when we don't acknowledge our own feelings we neglect an essential part of ourselves. 

We learn from an early age that we are not wanted for who we are but only for what we can do for others. We learn from the messages they send, that what is going on in other people’s lives is more important to them than what is going on in our emotional lives.  We learn that what we feel is unimportant and that we are not really wanted, we are an inconvenience. 

This message starts with the first “not right now I am busy”…which implies that what I am busy with is more important than you!!  If the parent thinks very highly of themselves, thinks that their needs come first, then the child by default learns the message I am less important, I am not lovable.  That is emotional neglect.  It is not intentional, it does not come from a conscious part of the brain…it is a learned family dysfunction and in our family it goes back all the generations that I know our family history!  

Each generation is then left to figure out; how do I get what I need in the away of attention? How do I get to feel less neglected / more loved?  

Those of us, who take the people pleaser route, figure that if we can do enough for others we will be included; we won’t be left out / neglected.  We figure if we can pay a high enough cost in doing for others, taking on emotional labour etc. we will be able to buy what we need.  Others decide that the way to get the attention they need is through telling / commanding others how they must comply.  They will demand and control others to get what they need.  

Neither is healthy.  Neither is a real solution. 

The real solution is a total change from the foundation up as to what inclusive, non-neglectful communication looks like.  

What does it look like to acknowledge another person’s needs and at the same time express the challenges or the barriers in that moment from meeting those needs?  

How much effort does it take to say “I see you need to talk and I want to talk to you, but I have to finish this first”.  

Or what challenge does it cause within us to put the “this” aside and sit with the present moment of need?  

Aren’t relationships more important that the “task at hand”? 

What about if the task at hand is a self-indulgent one?  What if the message the child gets is don’t bother me now “I am reading”, “I am watching a TV show”, “I am playing a game”, “I am talking to a friend on the phone?”  What message does the child get?  “I am less important than a book, a movie, a game, another person”.

What about subliminal messages that are sent out that you are of less value in comparison to something or someone else?  Those messages that say "I get my needs met by doing this and it does not matter that how it makes you feel."  How does that destroy the integrity of connection or relationship; of feeling valued or cherished?  How does that destroy love? 

If all those other things are important and I am not; therefore I must be not enough.  How sad to grow up with and to live with that inner seed of inadequacy!  And yet that is exactly what the children in our family have been growing up with for generations.   

When people use a “me” centered focus, then they are sending a very clear message, my task, my enjoyment, my other commitments are more important than your emotions, your needs!  

The clear, (maybe unintentional) message you receive into your psyche when you hear a “not now” is; “your need is less important than MY needs”.  Or, love is scarce, I don't have enough love to love myself and love you too.

The foundation of change lies in the perception of what is important.  The perception that emotions come before tasks. That needs for love, for connection, for understanding, for being heard are more important than “getting this done first”.  But how does one learn this if one has never experienced this?  How does one teach the next generation that which one has never experienced? 

That is the huge question and I believe that this is the question that is at the root of most family dysfunction.  How does one change when one does not even know that change is a necessary option?  How does one change when it is so much easier to point the finger and say “they are the problem” not taking a moment to look at oneself in the mirror and say “how am I contributing to this problem?” 

Fundamental questions we mostly fail to ask are:

•  “What false core belief do I carry about relationships that cause me to lash out in anger at another for expressing their feelings or their needs?”

• “Why do I attack people when they point out that I have hurt them?  Why is my instinctive response to push them away?”

•  “Why do I play the victim and make it all about “ME” when I don’t like how I feel in response to a statement that makes me feel guilty or neglectful?"

•  “Why do I judge people without first ascertaining what they are feeling or what emotional needs they have?” And why do I judge them based on “my” feelings rather than asking for their feelings or asking for more facts or details?

• “Why don’t I ask the important questions like “what are you feeling?” or “why did my saying that hurt your feelings?” or “how can we work on this together to resolve it?”

•  “Why is it easier to make assumptions that the other person did or said something mean on purpose instead of asking them what emotional place they are in that precipitated the action or words?”

• “Why is it easier to base judgments on other people’s opinions than asking for details about the emotional state of those we say we care about?”

These responses all stem from the same source, the feeling of neglect, that emptiness inside that screams “I need filling at all costs and it does not matter who gets hurt in the process as long as I don’t feel the pain of being neglected. 

However, to answer all those questions we need to step outside the painful feelings of neglect, we need to be able to see with self-compassion that inner hurt child that is screaming for attention.  We need to show that inner child the care they did not receive and bring a new way of relating compassionately with self-first; and then from that safe place, we can bring compassion to our relationships with others.

Until we can, with compassion, face our neglected inner child, we can’t fix relationships that are skewed because of the residual effect of the trauma of childhood neglect.  Until we fix this relationship with ourselves we can’t with compassion ask ourselves to face the difficult questions of why we behave the way we do, even when we know (on some level) that our actions hurt others.  It is then that we can understand that the problems are not solved by telling the other person how to change but in bringing a changed self to the relationship.

Of course it requires one further step, one more very difficult accepting step; that even when we change, and we bring a new awareness and a different perspective to our relationships, we are only one part of the equation.  Even in family dysfunction you can’t change other members of the family! You can only change you!  Every other member of a dysfunctional family has to heal and come to their own conclusions in their own time.  And for some that time may be never!  That itself is a hard reality to accept.  Sometimes we just have to accept that they will always be thoughtless when it comes to handing out neglect. 

They don’t even see that they are handing out neglect.  They simply are too deeply enmeshed in their own need to not feel neglected that their unconscious choices don’t even register as being perceived by the other person as diminishing or neglectful.  

These are the people that say with clear and determined conviction “I did nothing wrong”, or “I have nothing I need to apologize for” or even laying blame on others with the innocuous; “you are too sensitive”.  These are all statements that exemplify that they totally believe they are in the right, because they 100% believe in their own truth. They do not see that in neglecting your feelings they are diminishing your worth.  They are simply looking out for #1 and your feelings get in the way!

So, now you know you can’t change others, you can’t force others to learn what you have learned.  How do you deal with this kind of generational dysfunction?  

Number one criterion is looking at what you have to do from a self-care perspective.  Once you recognize in yourself that you are dealing with dysfunction, it is important that you not return to old patterns of behaviour.  After all those patterns did not work in the past to create a place of mental well-being for you, so don’t fool yourself into thinking they can be made to work now!  If you do you will just continue to perpetuate the anguish that you feel inside. Only this time it will be even worse...because you will be aware that you have accepted the lie that you are indeed worth LESS. 

However, the true reward of recognizing patterns is that it allows you to set boundaries.  And boundaries allow you to start to feel safe.  Maybe for the first time ever in your life you feel the safety of being heard, even if the only person who hears you is "self"!  

This awareness gives you the authority to no longer have to freeze in discomfort, trying to hide what you are feeling in response to what you are experiencing.  You do not have to stay and resignedly accept what you now recognize as disrespect for your feelings.  Instead you learn that you have options and choices.  The first being to acknowledge the truth of your feelings.  Just that is so liberating!  

When I think this thought "I have a right to my feelings" I suddenly find that the constriction around my ribs relaxes and I can breathe! 

From this place of safety we are offered the opportunity to face the fight or flight choice. The options that were denied us when we became frozen in acceptance and inaction because we felt we did not deserve anything better because we falsely believed we were the problem. 

You can choose to fight!  You can try to get the others to see the dysfunction, or you can retaliate with more hurt.  Or you can choose to flee, distance yourself from those who perpetuate this neglectful, hurtful behaviour upon you.  

Neither choice is optimal.  

Neither leads to a happy ever after.  

What I do know is that fighting is exhausting, it is like hitting your head on a brick wall and wondering why your head hurts.  

I also know that distancing is painful.  We are creatures of belonging and connectedness.  When our connections are discovered to be the source of our discomfort it still is difficult to create enough distance to feel safe.  

Boundaries tell us that we have the right to our feelings and that we have the right to say when we are hurt.  They however do not help us deal with the pain of rejection we feel when others tell us that NO they will not respect our boundaries.  

Knowing that we have a right to boundaries does not help us deal with the pain of being told that our feelings don’t matter to them!  (another rejection, another diminishing of our needs, another neglect). 

I have come to believe that the person who starts to recognize family dysfunction, who begins to change, to take up boundary work, who starts to change what they will allow to be done to them, who starts to say "no that is not acceptable";  is like a solitary figure in a barren landscape. There are no landmarks yet to guide the way.  The only sign post are related to compassion.  

The primary sign post must be Self-compassion.  Self-compassion says; “no one is allowed to make me feel bad and to get away with thinking that it is acceptable to do so”.  So much of standing up for oneself; starting to take care of our own needs, setting boundaries etc. results in those we are standing up to for the first time feeling themselves rejected for not being allowed to continue the emotionally abusive behaviour.  They retaliate with word arrows as they attempt to get us to go back to the old dysfunctional game rules.  If you have not built up a good healthy supply of self-compassion you will be destroyed right here on the doorstep to change.

But secondarily, beyond knowing we are disturbing the illusion of "everything was just fine until you had to start messing things up"; we must awaken compassion for those who are still stuck in the false core beliefs that it is okay to hurt others if it eases their own pain.   When they hurt us for daring to expose the wrongness of emotional neglect, they can get vicious with their words and their actions!  If we are not careful we can take up the battle cry and fight back.  It is important to know that fighting back, is not an option.  The only thing we can give them it the gift of time to learn and compassion for the struggles they must face in order to change themselves. 

Forgive them for they know not what they do, but don’t make yourself a martyr to their ignorance.  

Instead prepare for them a feast of acceptance should they ever awaken and begin to realize the significance of the journey you have taken toward healing.  Be ready to welcome them should they ever come to that place of understanding that they too have to make their own journey of transformation. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 07 – 16


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