My Daily Reflection: Pondering Boundaries and Boundary Work

If you have never been exposed to the concept of personal boundaries it is hard to get an understanding of where you end and others begin.  This means that either you expect others to do too much for you or you think it is your responsibility to do too much for others.  Neither is emotionally healthy.

• If you do too much you enable the other person to do less for themselves, less growing, less healing, less personal development, less accountability for their actions.  
• If you expect others to do emotional labour for you, you inhibit your own growth because the satisfaction you get having others do for you means you never see the need for emotional independence. 

I believe most children are not taught emotional boundaries.  If they are lucky they are taught about physical boundaries; you don’t hit, you don’t take without permission, you don’t attack physically or sexually. 

But emotional boundaries are so tied up in what we feel about ourselves, our worth in relationship to others,  they are connected with our intrinsic value, our need to be loved and accepted that unless these things are explained to us we miss them.  Many of us integrate boundary-less behaviour patterns into our personality and don’t even realize we have done so. 

So what do boundaries feel like? 

• They feel like awareness of what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for. 
• Awareness that even when people expect something from you; you are not obligated to meet their expectations, you always have choice. 
• Boundaries allow you to know the difference between a request for assistance and an expectation of compliance. 
• Boundaries allow you to ascertain the difference between being caring and being used. 
• Boundaries let you see when emotional labour is balanced or imbalanced in a one way flow

I have been working on boundaries for quite a while now and always I find a new dimension to explore, new false core beliefs to be dismantled, behaviour patterns to be investigated or dismantled. That is why healing is such a long term project.  I keep coming up against things I never questioned, things that I just did out of habit, because that is how I was trained to be, probably unconsciously, by those who needed me to complete them. 

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it is not my job to complete others.  It is my job to complete myself.  When I am complete in my own right, and I allow others to be complete in their own right, then we complement each other, which is far healthier in relationship that being either the completor or the completed. 

A complementary relationship is a balance of giving and receiving.  A completing relationship is always out of balance because one person is always expected to be mostly on the giving end so that the other person can enjoy being on the receiving end.  Such relationships always end up with one person worn out and exhausted and depleted.  That is not emotionally healthy or sustainable and in the long run such relationships shatter when the giver is so depleted that they have to change for their own emotional wellbeing.

What does it take to develop boundaries, to have a healthy sense of where I end and you begin?

For me this is a work in progress.  I started with a statement of rights; things I feel strongly about how I deserve to be treated.  Yesterday I found this list that I have been pondering.  Some concepts I have already thought through.  Others I feel I was aware of but only peripherally.  It was good to sit with each one and ascertain the veracity within my life.

Concepts to be aware of during boundary work

It is okay to say no. 

Just because someone asks me for something or to do something I have a right to look at my schedule, my own needs and ascertain if I can or should take on more. I have a right to say no to requests that would deplete me either physically or mentally or emotionally or spiritually.  Giving is a gift given freely, it is a donation from the heart.   If I feel like I am being commanded or coerced into giving it is no longer a gift but a tax. 

- It is not my job to fix others. 

It is also futile.  I can’t force others to change.  I can only change myself.  The most that I can do is point out to them where they could turn for information to facilitate their own healing.  And if the only way I can “fix” the relationship with this person is by putting on my “fake persona” then I have to question is this really a healthy viable relationship?

It is okay if others get angry. 

Others get angry when I stop giving them want they want.  This is something that I have learned painfully the hard way.  But if the only reason I keep giving in, putting up with unacceptable behaviour from others is to prevent them from getting angry, then I am doing way to much emotional labour and they are doing way too little.  Note I am not talking about gross misconduct. 

If I have to regulate my behaviour to prevent them from experiencing frustration and acting out their anger then they are using me to continue doing what probably deep in their hearts on some level they know is in need of change.  They know they need to change their response to frustration but it is easier to demand that I act differently so that I stop them from having to experience any frustration.  That is exhausting work, to always anticipate what another person might find frustrating and then choke down on authenticity to preserve a relationship with someone who sees themselves as so fragile they need others to modify who they are just so that they can be not frustrated.  I am not responsible for what they do with their frustration or anger.  Every one of us faces situations that make us feel frustration.  That is life.  I do not go out of my way to create frustration for others, but I also will no longer not state what I feel so that someone else can avoid feeling frustrated.

It is not my job to take responsibility of other people’s behaviour

It is not on me to adjust my behaviour according to what they might do or feel.  For example; if I have a goal and go after my goal and I know that achieving my goal will cause another person to feel envious; it is not my responsibility to water down or turn away from my goal if that goal might create a situation where the other person might feel envious.  I am not responsible for their envy, they are. If they have a life set back that causes them upset, and their response is to turn to addictive behaviours it is not my responsibility, it is their choice. 

I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others

This one is challenging, it is natural to want to create joy for others and one of the ways we do that is anticipating what they need.  That is what makes giving gifts so pleasurable for us, we anticipate the joy we bring to those we care for. 

But this can be perverted when we find ourselves in relationship with people who need more than we are able to give.  It can be so subtle.  Example, the friend who needs you to call or text them all the time, who is always disappointed if you don’t do this often enough and then finds ways to let you know that you did not meet their need to be made to feel important.   How about the friend that needs you to agree with them at all costs.  You having your own opinion just makes them so angry.  Is it really your responsibility to anticipate their need for your compliance? 

It is always a good thing when working on boundaries to pause and consider affirmations.  Affirmation of truths about personal integrity, safe awareness of individuality. Knowing that you are you and you don’t have to change who you are simply for the comfort or convenience of others.  Here are some that I turn to:

• Nobody has to agree with me and no one has the right to tell me I have to agree with them.
• I have the right to my own feelings and opinions and no one has the right to tell me otherwise
• I do not have to sacrifice my wellbeing to elevate others and protect them from the consequences of their actions.
• It doesn’t matter what people think.  I have my values, my conscience, and I can do what I feel is right for me.
• I am enough.  I don’t have to do anything to earn “enoughness”.  My doing must come from the wellspring of already knowing that I am enough.
• I have the right to focus on my own wellbeing, my own dreams and my own happiness.  No one has the right to make me feel ashamed for taking responsibility for my self-care. 

Boundary work is so challenging.  If you have had poor or porous boundaries people are used to you completing them. When you start to work towards being complete within yourself and start seeking complementary relationships you find that those who got used to you being there to complete them are unhappy.

As you change, many of your relationships also change.  The users in your life become very apparent.  They become visible because they are very vocal about their outrage that you are no longer doing the emotional labour of completing them. 

It takes great emotional strength, (and if you are fortunate, a true friend at your side), to navigate the guilt tripping you will receive from those who do not like this stronger more independent boundaried you. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 - 07 - 05

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