My Daily Reflections: Healing has changed my view on Relationships

The outer façade of okayness is the mask that I wore because it was expected of me.  

If my hurts remained buried in secrecy then "their" part in creating that pain could also remain a secret, "their" culpability denied even.  If I appeared to be happy then they could continue to pretend that they had done nothing wrong. 

To reveal to others the causes of my woundeness; reveals to them the need to acknowledge their nature of their action and the need for atonement, for change, to accept that they did in fact not know as well as they espoused to know that their actions had consequences and that some of those consequences were the pain they caused me.  And when that recognition is that something they don’t wish to see, they prefer the ability to remain in denial, and the easiest path to remain in denial is to deny me the right to reveal my true self.

To reveal my hurts and my aches, my feelings of dissatisfaction, of lack of connection, of disappointment in not living up to their expectations, is not what anyone wanted or even still now wants to hear.   Thus revealing my true emotions and feelings, and how I have been affected by their actions (whether premeditated or not) would be seen by them as me trying to expose a failure on their part, and a need to confront that they too are neither as healed, nor as emotionally healthy as they try to portray or claim to be.

Thus they make it known that they don’t want to see anyone’s pain by putting down those who expose their pain.  They make it known that revealing my pain would expose me to that same derision that they heap on others for being so weak as to reveal a pain causing event.  They make it known that I am expected to have that “stiff upper lip”, to uncomplainingly swallow the minor and sometimes not so minor, offenses of disrespect. 

The message is clear; don’t reveal anything we don’t want to confront. They make it clear that any feelings of pain that I experience should somehow become my fault and dealt with by me without involving them in the growth inducing process of healing.

They accomplish this by trying to implicate that:

o   If I were a better person; if I had a thicker skin, then I would not feel their attacks as being painful. 

o   If I were a better person, more willing to overlook the unkindness of others I would be better able to dismiss my pain, be better at getting over an offence.  I would be able to ignore that they don’t acknowledge their attacks and that they don’t even feel the need to apologize for those attacks.

o   If I were a better person then I would not feel the need to hold them accountable, to make them responsible for their choices.  Sometimes I even feel they want me to take on the responsibility for their actions, by acknowledging that somehow if I were a better person then they would not have had to do to me what they did to me, the message hangs out there; that I should justify their actions because I deserved it.

And all of this takes place without direct verbal communication.  Just the expectation sits there to “be okay” to “be happy” to not question things, to deal with and preferable forgive and hide away past offenses.  There is this subtle innuendo that they are happy and I am not and that therefore it must be my fault. 

And it isn’t even that I am unhappy!  I am quite happy with my life thank you very much!  I am content with the choices I make to feel safe and empowered in my life.  My version of happiness happens to be different than theirs and involves boundaries of what I feel are appropriate ways of being spoken to, of general expectations of kindness and levels of consideration.  My happiness is now based on what is real, what I create for myself and not pretending to be happy when I am hurting. 

Happiness for me does not involve having people in my life at all costs, regardless of the emotional damage.  Rather happiness for me is having the right to make a choice to not be in a close relationship with people to take me for granted, who don’t want to hear my feelings or my opinions, or who use putting me down to make themselves feel better.  

o   My happiness is not dependent of pretending that I am okay with being disrespected or being okay with being treated badly just to say I am in a relationship. 

o   My happiness is that sense of peace of mind that comes with knowing that I have the right to choose who is in my life and to what degree they are allowed into my inner circle. 

o   My happiness comes from me acknowledging and knowing that I am actually better off alone than in relationship with people who diminish me. 

Bottom line, I do not require people in my life to be happy.   I will happily include the right kind of people in my life to enhance the contentment I already feel about the way I have been shaping my life in the process of healing.  But don’t for a moment think that I am unhappy because there are so few people I trust enough to be in a relationship with.  Don’t presume for a single moment that because I prefer my own company over a fake, pretend, shallow, relationship to make others happy; especially when that relationship requires me to deny myself the freedom to be true to myself or requires me to forget offenses that have not been apologized for or to accept inappropriate or rude behaviour on their part; that I am not content and at peace and even fulfilled and happy.

Just because I am aware of the hurtful things that have been done to me, and because I am trying to heal in a sustainable manner that incorporates boundaries and awareness, does not mean that my happiness is in any way diminished.  Rather this awareness reveals to me that accountability that we all have to one another.  This accountability is what creates a trusting environment.  This accountability actually is the foundation block of real relationships. And this actually creates much deeper and more sustainable kind of happiness, one that is based in the security of self-knowledge and the empowerment that comes from feeling like I have control over the quality and sustainability of happiness in my life.  For if my happiness only comes from having people in my life, then at any time that happiness can be taken away from me when one of those people leaves my life.

Trusting relationships are not built or nurtured on a false base of denial.  Forgiving is not about saying all of those hurtful words and actions are okay, so let us not talk about it and pretend that we are better people than we are. This type of “overlooking” leads to fake facades where pretense is the veneer used to cover up the rotten underbelly of hurtful and harmful behaviours that are justified through denial and deflection and even attempting to alter the reality of events.  This type of façade denies the reality of my healing and at the same time denies them the opportunity to face their own healing.  This type of façade would require me to assume the responsibility for their inaction in their own healing.  This type of façade would have me pretend to be happy so that they can have the illusion of their own well-being while evading their culpability for doing negative things to me.  

Trusting relationships are built on being real. 

o   And real sometimes means saying no you don’t get to treat me that way. 

o   And real sometimes means saying that your actions in the past had consequences and you are accountable until you take the time to heal yourself and then seek ways to attone.

o   And real sometimes means saying that it is okay for you to deny things but it is equally real for me to say I can’t deny because I am on a different level of my emotional development than you are. 

o   And real means that I get to say what I need from you to feel an increase in trust and to say there are consequences if you don’t feel you want to give me what I need.

o   And real means that I get to say; no you don’t get to deny responsibility for your actions if you want to be in a relationship with me.

o   And real means I don’t have to accept you making me feel bad for being real.

o   And real means that I don’t have to put on a mask to make you feel better while on the inside I feel worse.

o   And real means that I have the right to see you struggle with truth and face the hurt in you that feels the need to hurt me rather than enabling you to avoid facing the unpleasantness of the reality.

You see so much has changed in me once I stopped wearing the fake façade of okayness.  Once I faced my own woundedness I started to see the woundedness in others.  But what I was not prepared for on my healing journey was this; while I face my woundedness I see too many signs in others that they wish to hide their woundeness behind unkindness of actions and words and deeds.  

o  They wish to pretend to be okay by deflecting their inappropriate behaviours onto me while telling me that I deserved to be treated negatively.    

o  They want to avoid facing their inner demons by making me their scapegoat. 

o  They want me to enable them to continue to treat me offensively by absorbing the guilt they try to imply I ought to feel for not allowing them get away with inappropriateness. 

I want to be very clear that I am not setting myself up to judge others for the actions that they take; for I fully recognize that everyone heals in their own time and their own space.   Rather I see this awareness as a warning flare.   

A wounded person that feels the need to inflict their pain upon me rather than facing up to and / or healing themselves is simply not a safe person to allow into my inner circle of relationships.  I can have all the compassion in the world for them and their journey without giving them opportunities to harm me.  I can have compassion from afar if that is what it takes to keep me safe.  I can even have the compassion of telling them that I feel unsafe around them and give them that momentary opportunity to glimpse themselves in the mirror of the reality of what their behaviour demonstrates.

This knowledge does not in any way detract from my contentment.   I have learned that my self-worth is not tied to the number of “people in my life” but rather to the way I expect to be treated by the people in my life.  

This change in belief has actually increased my contentment because now that I am more selective about who is in my life and how close I allow others to approach my innermost friendship circle; I feel a sense of empowerment and confidence that I will be treated right, respectfully, and as I deserve.   

If someone can only be in my life if I put on my “fake mask”, if they expect me to be less of me so they can feel comfort with who they are; then how is my life enhanced by their presence?  And if my life is not enhanced by their presence quite possibly the reality is that my life is actually enhanced by their absence! 

For this reason my inner circle is very small.  And as I heal I find my inner circle is getting smaller.  I leave behind me all those who want me to be accepting and forgiving of their inconsiderateness and want me to put on a façade of okayness for their benefit. 

I am not here in this life to be the sponge of other people’s pain.  This does not mean I am not compassionate.  I can and will willingly help others with their pain, show compassion and even help them heal from their pain. 

However, I am not here to absorb the pain of others who would rather transfer their suffering on to me, through their actions toward me, so that they can avoid the painfulness of their own healing journey.  I am not obligated to be the means of their own avoidances.   

When I recognize the significant difference between helping someone to heal and helping someone to avoid healing; my own life becomes a much more peaceful and serene island where I am the harbour master monitoring which boats may remain tied to the dock and which boats are best left out on the open waters.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 03 – 23

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