My Daily Reflections: Dealing with those who say "you are the problem"

Today’s reflection was precipitated by this quote:

“They say “you are the problem”. 

And “I believed it so deeply 

because it was what 

I had been taught for so long” 

~ Darelene (Emerging from Broken)

Beware the people who say you are the problem! 

Beware the people who say you must change to be more pleasing to them! 

Beware the people who demand that you be accommodating of their behaviour toward you. 

Beware the people who say they have the right to put you down, call you names, and point out your faults.

Instead it is time to start to asking yourself probing questions as part of your healing journey:

• What are they hiding from, what truth about themselves are they too afraid to face?
  
• What are they trying to get you to do FOR them so that they don’t have to do something for themselves?
  
• What are they trying to get you to believe about yourself, and about them? And then ask; is it true or is it compensation or an avoidance?
  
• Wonder why are they trying to make your life harder and their life easier?
  
• Consider how does what they expect make you feel? And listen to those feelings; they are trying to tell you something. 
• Question; do you deserve to be expected to take on responsibility for their needs? Is it your responsibility to make their lives easier by making your own harder?
  
• Do you deserve to be expected to change, to be inauthentic, to put on a mask, to be less of who you are; so that they don’t have to face themselves?
  
• A personal healing journey is hard enough without worrying constantly about whether your healing journey is having a negative effect on others.

As you stand up more for yourself, and stop doing for others what they ought to be doing for themselves, some of the demands that come at you are quite amazing.

When you stop responding in the expected way; giving way, giving in, pretending that same old same old is okay; expect there to be fight back from those who enjoyed the old broken down wounded you who was amenable and pliable, usable, easily manipulated and controllable.

When you stop being the problem absorber, when you stop believing that you are always the one at fault, when you stop being the scape goat, the easy target etc.; you have put a huge hole into their complacency that there will always be someone to dump on who won’t complain because they have had you trained to be uncomplaining.

Step outside of your people pleasing, door mat role as part of your healing and there are plenty of people who will try to stuff you right back inside the box they built for you.

I started to notice that they wanted me in the compliant box for a reason, and the reason was not that “I” was bad, but rather because my questions shone a light upon things that they did not want brought into the light.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2018 – 03 – 27

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