Am I making progress? I honestly don't know. I am at day 17 and I think if anything I am more confused than when I started.
Here a my musings for today. Please feel free to share with me you insights with me.
Is forgiveness the only path forward or are there other options?
There are many pressures on me to say the words “I forgive you”. I am the one that has been wronged and yet I am also the one pressured to forgive the wrong doer. It is like not only am I a victim of the abuse now I am also a victim of pressure to “conform” to the forgiveness trajectory. I am made to feel guilt for not being able to honestly and with conviction say “I forgive” even if you, the wrongdoer, do not repent.
If healing means moving forward and not remaining "fixed" or "stuck" in the hurt; is forgiveness really the only way to do this? I do not want to become frozen in the past event or even the ongoing event so if not forgiveness what then?
The fact that I can’t forgive an evil and hurtful action does not make me a bad person. If I give in, under pressure, to say something I do not feel I would be untrue to myself and that is a wound I cannot / will not inflict upon myself. Why should I betray my own emotions to say words that I do not feel? To betray myself after being betrayed by others does not right the wrong.
I cannot “force” forgiveness if it is not something in me that I can give at this point in time. If there is no regret or apology spoken by the perpetrator, and there is no pressure on them to do so, why should there be pressure on me to offer forgiveness?
I can let go of the past, I can stop hanging on, I can accept that there is no need to retaliate, I can possibly even stop hating what has been done to me. But to forgive an action, that is repeated every day, an actions that is an in my face insolence done with the intent to cause me pain, no this I do not think I can do.
To say words I do not mean or feel is “hollow”.
Saying words I do not feel will not make me feel better nor will they make my life any easier.
Who really gains from my words of forgiveness?
Those people who push the forgiveness formula upon me.
Right now the best I can do is say I am open to being forgiving when the wrongful action stops and some words of repentance are spoken to me. This is my truth. This is an honest statement that I can live with. This is my area of control. This is where I can find peace.
This is not to say that I will not continue to wrestle with the concept of forgiveness. But this is how I feel now. This is where my heart is at this point in time as I struggle with my healing and attempt to learn and grow from this experience.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2015 - 03 - 07
photo credits - as marked or unknown