Post Estrangement: The conflict of Forgiveness

A question that I see posted quite often is; “How to forgive?” Essentially, how does one move from being so filled with anger and resentment that we rage out saying “I will never forgive” to place where we become filled with compassion and the ability to day “I may be able to forgive”?

This is such a difficult topic. There are so many articles admonishing us to forgive.  There is always the implication that you can't heal unless you forgive, like it is an either or possibility.

Forgiveness is touted as the path to letting go, to moving forward, to not letting the past cloud your present.  There are so many euphemisms about why we should forgive. 

Sometimes reading them all it is like this huge cloud of guilt being shoved at me that if I don’t forgive I am somehow unworthy.  At times I resented those “holier than thou” preachers that demanded that I forgive if  I wanted to be a responsible, respectable, healthy person.  The opposite is clearly left hanging in the unaddressed part, there is something wrong, unworthy, unacceptable in me if I don't simple bend to the expectation that I forgive.

And yet as estranged parents; we are being asked to forgive offspring that are determined to never forgive us for our shortcomings.  After all the reason they estrange is because in their minds we have done such a poor job of raising them, that they feel justified in hurting and punishing us  for the rest of our lives for our  failures.   They have no intention of ever forgiving us!  But over and over again we are told by the “grief therapists” that we MUST forgive. 

As with so many other areas of estrangement there is this enormous and inexplicable double standard. 

One standard is applied to the offspring that do the estranging.  The some prevailing therapist wisdom is that they must never forgive; they must forever hold on to their veritable list of grudges, they must never seek reconciliation. They are told that they must continue to abandon loving parents because they are flawed (toxic is the word they use). They are even told that such  actions are justified, acceptable and excusable. Under no circumstances must they ever allow the thought of forgiving their parents enter their minds, and the estranging offspring actually form groups encourage each other to stand strong and united against the mistake of forgiving parents for the horrendous crime of not being perfect.  Forgiveness / reconciliation is a sign of weakness and must never be considered.  To apologize for hurting the parent with silent treatment and abandonment is never even contemplated, rather the ostracism is encouraged to continue lifelong rather than to open communication and mend the relationship.

A second completely opposite standard is applied to the parents that have been estranged. Estranged parents are told repeatedly that they MUST apologize profusely for every unintentional mistake they ever made.  They must not only own up to every parenting mistake they ever made, they are expected to take on the scapegoat role so that the offspring never have to face their own issues and responsibilities. Some therapists even advocate that the parent beg and plead for the opportunity to atone simply to make it easier on the adult offspring to not feel guilty.   Estranged parents are told repeatedly that they MUST find forgiveness in their hearts. We are told by many that would counsel us, that in order to heal from the grief we MUST forgive the offspring for abandoning us. 

It is this implication that there is something wrong with me if I find it difficult to forgive that I have found particularly frustrating.  It is almost as though I am being punished for feeling aggrieved.  The implication is that  I am a lesser person because forgiving is difficult for me, that this somehow means that I am flawed.

It is when I am made to feel that I am inferior to those who do the hurting of ostracism and rejection and beneath those who refuse to forgive me, that I find myself becoming most obstinate.  The advice that I MUST forgive or be judged “a lesser person” is what I find particularly heinous. 

And yet, I find that for my own peace of mind I must wrestle with the concept of forgiveness far more than any estranging offspring struggles with the consequences of their decisions and actions to not ever forgive.

For me, forgiveness is a huge issue. There are parts of forgiveness that I still struggle with.  And I have been thinking about and reading about and writing about forgiveness since March 2015.  The conclusion that I keep coming back to is that forgiveness is an ongoing thing.  It is not something you do once and then say “there that is done.”   There are too many levels and nuances to be wrestled with. 

There is letting go, there is ruminating less, there is accepting what can’t be changed, there is examining the self to be aware of any tendency to remain stuck in retaliation thinking, there is learning about the difference between forgiveness and atonement, deliberating on the link between apology and forgiveness and finally there is the awareness of how one would handle an attempt at reconciliation and the preparation required to be in a frame of mind to deal with such a reconciliation.

In the process of studying forgiveness I have come to the conclusion that we use one word to express too many different concepts as though forgiveness is a simple thing, a question of either you do or you don't.

I don't believe it is that simple, I have come to believe that forgiveness is a complicated process filled with complex emotional connections within oneself and within the relationship one has with the person we feel we maybe ought to forgive.

Like the ancient Greeks who had many words of the different kinds of love and the Inuit who have many words to describe the different kinds of snow; I believe forgiveness should have many words to describe it.

However in our language and our culture we have only the one word and so in order to make sense of the concept of forgiveness we each have to struggle with how each aspect affects us an individual.

For me there were some very important things that I had to come to terms with. Let me share a few of them with you and thus possibly help you on your own journey of discovering what forgiveness means to you.  

#1 Let go of the rage

For me this was vitally important. I had to get over the rage that made me want to inflict retaliatory pain back at the person who caused all my suffering.  I am not a vindictive person, I have never in my life "repaid" others in equal measure to the way they treated me.  However for the first time in my life I plotted revenge.  This scared me deeply for it was so out of character for me and that was why this was the most important stage of forgiveness for me. 

To let go of my need to seek revenge was my primary goal during my initial attempts at healing.   I have seen it written that when you no longer seek revenge you have in fact forgiven the other person.  It was the hope that I clung to in my early healing days.  Over time I came to actually see this only as a first step toward forgiveness, with many other stages to follow. But for me it was a tremendously important first step. 

#2 To forgive myself

Another important step for me was to forgive myself.  I know this sounds strange to some people, but for a long time I blamed myself for everything that went wrong in our relationship.  I had all these thoughts that if I only could have done this or that differently; then it would not have come to this. 

I had to let go of the idea that I had some kind of super power to control the outcome of our relationship.  That I had the ability to change things if only I had been better equipped, more knowledgeable, been a better person, known the right words to say etc.  I had to let go of the thought that it was my insufficiency that caused the problem.  I had to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not doing everything I ought to have done simply because I did not know. 

For me it was accepting that my imperfection is what makes me human and I had to forgive myself for hating myself so deeply for not being perfect.  When I was able to forgive myself for this, when I was able to stop beating up on myself, I was able to become more compassionate towards myself, and in learning to be compassionate to an imperfect me, I learned it is possible to be compassionate towards others who are also imperfect.  And to accept that their hurtful actions toward me are part of their imperfections being acted out.

#3 Sometimes all I can do is be willing to forgive

I had to learn that there is a difference between being willing to forgive and forgiveness.  (Once again two different words would make it so much easier to come to terms with the concepts)

Simple forgiveness in my opinion means that I will never expect to interact with the offender again.  It is a done act, the relationship is forever over, and I close the book and never look back.  It is done and I move forward in my life never giving the offending party another thought.

Willingness to forgive is different.  It implies that there is reconciliation hoped for, making it something that I imagine as possible.  In such a situation I have to determine what my parameters are to protect me from being hurt again.  I have to create boundaries for self-protection.  For me this means I need the other person to recognize they have done me wrong, I need for them to be willing to work on atonement and I need for them to realize that reconciliation itself is a process, a work toward rebuilding a relationship and possibly trust.

A willingness to forgive allows me to put the past behind me, to get on with my life, to put the "work" of the relationship on hold until such time as the other person makes a move toward fixing the past by making an apology for their part in not handling a difficult situation in a better manner.

These three thoughts are the ones that I find I wrestle with the most.  There were others but they seemed to fade in importance as I came to terms with these ideas that really helped me to shift my thought process.

I do have to be honest though, there still are days when I feel anger over what was done to me, sometimes even rage over how thoughtlessly the situation was handled and how easy they find it to justify their actions. I find I am distraught over how easy they find it to be critical, judgmental and uncompromisingly unforgiving. 

On those days I sometimes feel that I have not made as much progress in my journey toward forgiveness as I would like, for I am projected back into the past by those thoughts.

I remind myself then, that I am only human, and then I once again I return to working on my self-compassion and through that I am able to come back to feeling compassion for the ones who also don't know any better how to handle difficult situations involving communication and sharing of feelings. 

They are flawed and it is from their place of being flawed that they inflict hurt upon others.  And I happen to be just one of those whom they have hurt because of their "flawedness" and their inability let go of their grudge, to find it in their hearts to forgive.  And then I find I have talked my way back to being "willing to forgive".

Does any of this help you a little to understand your own journey toward forgiveness?

I would love to know what you have learned on your own healing journey toward forgiveness.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 – 09 – 07 

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My Daily Reflections: Compassion versus Justification

I think that I am becoming more aware as well as clearer about the fact that there is a difference between being compassionate for another person's position and what they do because of that position and taking the next step which is saying just because I have compassion I accept it.

Compassion is a good trait; it allows me to wish healing for others, even those who harm me.  However I do not have to use that feeling of compassion to justify hurtful actions. While I can feel compassion for the unresolved issues the person harming me may be experiencing, it remains unacceptable that they do the harm to me.  

Whereas compassion is a good way to feel towards those that have hurt me, justifying their action is not alright, because justification devalues me as the victim of their hurtful actions.  Compassion does not extend to excusing bad behaviour.

I can use all kinds of words to "justify" actions, to make excuses for wrong doing. I can take even take on responsibility for maybe not handling difficult situations better. However, if I can take full responsibility for my own actions I also have the right to expect the other person to take responsibility for their actions. 

I have to remember, however, that justification poses the risk of going down a slippery slope. It takes me to a place where I accept bad behaviour simply because I can find a reason to justify it. If I were to justify a choice of bad behaviour based on extenuating circumstances then there is the danger of going down the path that I deserved wrongful actions of others, simply because I can give justifying excuses.  There is no justifying bad behaviour. 

If I have core values, if I fundamentally believe in the basic concept that I am not to be treated with disrespect, that I am not to be taunted with name calling or with emotionally abusive actions or with manipulative controlling bullying behaviour, then by extension I have the right to personal boundaries.   I have the right to not accept or excuse bad behaviour.  I have the right to point out behaviours that are inappropriate.  Pointing out behaviours that case me harm is not judgmental, it is simply stating a fact that a certain behavious caused me hurt.  I am not asking the other person to change, I am simple acknowledging that the action towards me was inappropriate and that I do not have to accept such behaviour.  I can choose to walk away.

While I am prepared to be compassionate I am not willing to justify other people’s inexcusable actions.  

While I can feel compassionate for their circumstances I cannot use that compassion to exonerate their actions.  As much as being compassionate is a positive virtue, and one I wish to cultivate, I will not do so at the expense of self-compassion, which recognizes that I too have a fundamental right to being treated well.

Renate Dundys Marrello

 2016 – 08 – 15

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My Daily Reflection: Becoming an adult is a mourning process

We face with a certain amount of fear, leaving the "growing up process" where in childhood our path was laid out for us by others.  

We break bonds with those who had a hand in shaping us. And a part of us fears the changes even when we do not voice these fears.

We mourn that we are leaving the days of being guided toward what we need to learn while at the same time we fight against those whose job it was to guide us.  Our fight is in essence our denial of fear that we are now responsible for our own evolution.  We are mourning that we are losing our excuse that everything in our life is "someone else's" fault. 

We camouflage our mourning by focusing aggressively on the faults of our guides and teachers.
Their job was to show as a path toward becoming a social creature, someone that will be able to become an independent and yet contributing part of the human community.  As long as we can blame "them" for the problems in our life we are in denial that we are now responsible to shape our transformation.
By finding fault with "them" we can begin to chart our own course.  The break allows us to justify moving in a new, our own, direction.  However denial also stunts our spiritual growth. 

How many of us choose to truly follow our own destiny and How many of us continue to follow the path laid before us with resentment and buried anger?  
How many of us have the emotional tools to do this work of transformation?  
How many of us remain stuck in feeling we have to conform to be loved? 

What messages did we learn? 
How did we internalize the messages that we received?  

That is where our personal growing starts.  Evaluating if the messages we thought we heard were actually the messages that we were being taught.

How many of us question our internal voices? Versus how many of us blame our internal voices on our teachers, while at the same time continuing to speak those same words over and over with our inner mind. 

How many of us realize that growing up and continuing our evolution is not physical separation from our teachers but rather our own internal ongoing debates as to whether our inner messages are in fact true.  

When we actually take time to reflect upon what we think and consider each inner message for veracity and truth and verisimilitude, we are in fact freeing ourselves from messages that may have been interpreted incorrectly. 

The sooner we can do this the better we are able to govern our adult self-talk and the easier it becomes to chart our own transformational growth.  As long as we “believe” the inaccurate messages to be true ones we are stuck in a repetitive cycle of dissatisfaction alternating with looking for the source of our own discontent. 

Growing up is not when we leave home and start an independent life. That is only independence.  

Growing up is when we choose to understand our inner thought processes and evaluate what works and what does not work for us. We grow up when we start to make choices about our inner workings in the same way we made choices about career path and romantic path and family path. 

Many of us are independent at a young age but actually grow up much, much later in life.  I can look back now and see that I did not start to grow up until I reached my 60’s.  That was when I started to ask the important questions.  Completing the evolutionary process of growing up is a choice to be made and requires effort and work.  We have to mourn what we thought we knew and recognize how little we actually understood. 

How many people think they are grown up when in fact they are only independent?
How many people associate emancipation and separation with growing up?
How many people never question why they act the way they do and the habits that they repeat, even when they are destructive either to themselves or the others. 

And how few in comparison, ever come to realize that the final stages of growing up, comes with the incredibly difficult growing pains of self-awareness and personal accountability. And mourning the loss of "someone else to blame".  

How few recognize that taking on adult roles and adult obligations is not a sign of being grown up.  Being grown up is the process of becoming aware that it is our evolutionary function as humans to take what we were given in our growing years and transforming those thoughts in our own unique evolutionary process toward selfhood.  

Until we take those independent self-discovery steps, where we take on responsibility for each of our thoughts and actions we remain children in adult bodies. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2016 - 08 - 02

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Post estrangement: What lies beyond the blame game?

When we have been estranged we go through so many different emotions and stages of healing. Recently I saw a question addressing our need to label and blame. 

As I read various answers to this question I started hearing my inner voices pushing me in a different direction.

I believe that "blaming" and even "labeling" are ways of trying to make sense of something that feels beyond comprehension. Often comments about adult offspring that estrange, come from a place of deep confusion. The comments that keep being repeated are "I don't understand" or "if only I could understand".  The questions; "how could they" and "why do they", arise over and over again.   

The process of labeling our offspring in the aftermath of being thus rejected is a sign of us parents trying to justify the estranging offspring's actions. Because we feel the need to justify their actions we seek for ways to ameliorate them. Example; "they must be narcissist that is why they behave like that", now we have a reason, something to cling to to try to make sense of a situation that seems to make no sense.

When we start to see how widespread this phenomenon is, blaming outwards (e.g. society, the school system, religion, cults, the enabling therapists, the psycho babble etc) is a way of making sense of the phenomena we are surrounded by.  When we get to this place in our thought processes where we feel betrayed by those who gave us role models that we attempted to follow, when we feel that all our attempts to do a good job were still found to be unsatisfactory we feel a need to lash out, to get back, to justify.

We parents are labeled as crazy and inadequate and many other derogatory labels that are even much worse, leaving us suffocating under a mountain of guilt and shame.  Labeling and blaming are, in my opinion, ways we try to get through the pain of it all. To put the pieces into some kind of order that makes a twisted illogical kind of sense. We lash out and back at, a system that we feel contributed and even encouraged the trauma we are facing. 

Blame is not the same thing as judgment. Judgment is seeing an action for what it is, blame is transmitting our own pain onto an outside source.

For example our estranging offspring "blame" us for their unhappiness because they want to escape their reality. They want to escape their unhappiness by making us the source of their problems.  In doing so they don't have to face the issues that are in fact the source of their unhappiness.

If they were to work through their issues they would be able to judge us and they would be able to speak to us and tell us what it is they find fault with.

Blaming is easier because it transfers the energy outward, releasing the blamer of responsibility for their actions. Once blame is cast, it becomes simply a matter of saying "it is not my fault, I am not responsible".

Judgement comes from understanding, standing on a moral principle, having a willingness to state what one stands for and most importantly reflects back to the person making the judgement.  Once a judgement has been passed and expressed, they then have to judge themselves by the same standard and open themselves up to being judged by others based on those principles.

You can blame someone, and walk away safe within your controlled image of yourself.

When you judge someone, that judgement can come back to haunt you. I am starting to see a very clear difference.

I believe that we estranged parent, do go through stages of name calling, labeling, blaming etc. It is a defense mechanism to counteract the woundedness that we feel in the face of such complete and utter rejection and ostracism.

Looking outward for explanations and sources to blame, usually follows after complete and total self blame and the self hatred that goes with that emotion. Then when we start to heal and fight back we realize that such a burden of self debasement is unhealthy and further traumatizes us. We have to fight back and the first instinct is to ask; who can we blame and how can we justify actions taken by our children that we would not tolerate from any other person. This is when we look at societal changes to blame and character disorders to try to find some kind of twisted logic, to make sense of something we can't comprehend. 

But this too is only a stage.  It solves nothing, it changes nothing.  This path leads to bitterness and more anger, frustration and a sense of being stuck constantly looking back, seeking answers that don't fix anything. 

This stage of seeking answers  may possibly give us insight or understanding.  It might even lead to awareness and compassion. It allows us to re-evaluate our core values, process our own need to build better boundaries against implied blame and shame and feelings of guilt and insufficiency.  It allows us be become stronger and create better defenses against unjust accusations and defamation of our character. 

However, as time goes on, and we process the enormity of this situation, we have to come to terms with what and whom we are judging.  We have to become clear on our own core values, decide what kind of people we want to be even in the face of this trauma to our lives.

When we make judgments based on core values we recognize that we have been violated.  We then do not need to blame or place guilt, but simply to point out how these actions violate our principles. We are then able to separate the action from the person.  

When we follow our own code of morals and principles we can say; this action is wrong simply because it is wrong.  We no longer need to find "someone" or "something" to blame. We don't need to justify with "name calling or labeling".  An action is wrong because the action is wrong.

When viewed from this perspective we can then start to say, whatever it was that caused our estranging offspring to act this way, it is and always will be on their conscience, their responsibility, the situation they created.  The "why" does not matter or change anything.   

They may even continue to go through the actions of blaming and labeling us for the rest of their lives if they wish to do so. They may continue to deflect and justify their actions by blaming us or any others that create obstacles in their lives. That is their right as autonomous humans.  

They may avoid anything that causes them to be introspective.  Again that is their right to choose.  

They won't find healing down that path, for healing comes from self awareness not from blaming others.  Healing comes from facing inner demons, and from not avoiding the pain of personal accountability.  

That is where I as a loving parent feel sadness, I feel sorrow for my offspring, I sorrow that she is stuck in the darkness of name calling and blame. I sorrow that she is raising her child in that atmosphere and that my grandson will learn this behaviour through watching her.

In my mind now, I am getting to a place where there is no blame, there are only consequences. I can judge the action more than I judge the person. An action can't change for it is in the past.  However, a person always has the ability to change and with that change comes a possibility for a different course of action in the future. Therein lies my hope.  

As always I appreciate your feedback dear reader, as I continue to try to evolve and change my perceptions on my road toward healing.  

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 - 07 - 21   

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Healing the injuries of Estrangement

Estrangement has such far ranging emotional impact that I have come to believe that beyond the impact of being estranged we also come face to face with parts of our unresolved past.

I believe the trauma we experience in the face of being estranged triggers and reveals to us those unresolved emotional injuries we carry within us.  Being estranged is about so much more than just what was done to us but what we do to ourselves, within our own minds, in an attempt to deal with, understand and try to resolve what is happening in the present. 

Estrangement acts as a trigger and then we suffer the consequences of these various emotional injuries that we carry and we have to become aware that each of those injuries affects us differently.

I think that learning to differentiate between the injuries allows us to focus on each aspect of healing individually.  To heal the injury in our past and then to connect it to our healing in the present is vitally important if we are to resume life post estrangement with enthusiasm and joy.

It is relatively easy to get to a place where we want to "move on" post estrangement and yet in order to move beyond that place where we meet each day in survival mode with the drudgery of just getting through; we have to examine why certain aspects are so hard to resolve.  We need to start to understand why we get stuck in repeating certain actions even when we "KNOW" they are not good for us.  

These are some of the injuries (in no particular order) that I think we need to be clear on in order to be able to give the right attention to each one.

- the injury of emotional abuse / dealing with bullies, controllers and other manipulative people

- the injury of grieving a living child

- the injury of a lost relationship / changed relationship

- the injury of lost dreams and expected future

- the injury of abandonment and rejection

- the injury of being a victim / feeling like a victim

- the injury of self blame and self condemnation

- the injury of being shamed / living the guilt trip of not being good enough

- the injury of feeling worthless / loss of self esteem 

- the injury of people pleasing / feeling like a failure when your efforts are not appreciated 

- the injury of feeling the need to minimize the self (eg walking on egg shells to sooth them / being the peace keeper etc )

- the injury of ineffective boundaries / where do I end and they begin 

- the injury of being expected to be apologetic for their mistakes and their behaviour. We do this both towards the estranging children (making excuses for their behaviour) and to other people who don’t understand (internalizing that we are to blame and must atone)

I want to build on this list and would appreciate any input.

Are there other injuries that you experience?  

Over the next few months I want to reflect on these different injuries and how they affect our healing journey.  

• I want to look at false core beliefs that keep us stuck in repetitive behaviours.  
• I want to look at what we are doing to ourselves / how we are talking to ourselves; that prevent us from healing 
• I want to look at what we can do to overcome those false core beliefs and how we can change those core beliefs freeing us to go in a new direction. 
• I want to see if we can change or transform these false core beliefs to empower our healing 
• I especially want to discover pathways out of the maze of repeating actions that are self harming and then focus on strategies for transformation. 

I look forward to hearing your ideas and input as I explore these issues. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 - 07 - 18 


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Post Estrangement: what lies beyond judgement?

We can only judge actions. Trying to fathom intentions behind the action is always just about making a guess or making assumptions. 

One of the problems with labels based on assumptions occurs when we take them one step further and use these assumptions to justify actions taken or to explain actions experienced.  Neither is helpful beyond a certain point because they are based on conjecture without fact, suppositions without knowledge.

The challenges with such justifications and explanations are that they are simply a hypotheses based on what we think we know. 

A world wide problem is that our whole way of communication is structured around judgmental-ism and accusations.  We tend to talk in terms of who did what to whom, or who did what to me and try to explain it in terms of judgmental expressions.

I am researching another area lately; looking at "what needs are not being met".  This is a fascinating way of approaching human relationships.  When someone acts in a way that we perceive as being without empathy, I am now choosing to ask; "what needs have not been met for this person to treat others this way?"

Are there answers from this point of view?  I don't know, because this is a new concept / point of view for me. However it would seem to be a healthier way, for me at least, to view the actions of others as coming from a place of lack, a lashing out because of an unmet emotional need.

I think if I had a do over I would ask my estranged daughter; “what emotional need have I not been able to fulfill for you in the past and how can I fulfill that need now”?

Would that open up dialogue?   I really do not know. 

What I do know is that explaining, apologizing, begging etc. did not work.

Anger and blaming also have not helped me in my own healing journey.  Can I extrapolate that to mean that her anger and blaming me is not helping her to heal either? 

Self-compassion is a way of looking at myself that is helping me to heal.

Does that mean that compassion toward estranging offspring is a viable path on the road to acceptance or even reconciliation? I do not know the answer but I am willing to struggle with this different perspective and allow time to show me the possibilities. 

Trying to justify and explain away the behaviour; the action of rejecting, distancing, non communication and abandoning does give me a sense of closure yes.  But does it heal?  

That is the question that I am facing right now in my own personal healing journey.  In trying to find my path forward I have to move beyond closure to a new perspective, a different outlook based on what I am learning about myself, human interactions, relationships.

Where previously I wanted to understood from the view point of making a judgement and finding an explanation, I now want to go beyond into a new frontier.  I want to look at what was / is missing that gives rise to a person exhibiting certain personality and character behaviours.  

I especially want to discover the correlation between what my personal "unmet needs are" and my responses to certain actions.  

I hope that in doing, so I will offer myself the opportunity to gain a better understanding of myself.  And my hope is that in getting to understand myself better, I will also be better able to see similar co-relationships in others when they act badly towards me. 

• To be able to see beyond the action and the judgement to unmet need causality.  
• To discover if there is indeed a relationship between unmet needs, internal pain and actions that cause pain towards others.  

And if there is indeed a relationship then I will be in a better position / better equipped to protect myself from further pain by the structuring of more effective and yet at the same time more compassionate personal boundaries. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2016 - 06 - 21

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My Daily Reflection: the Role of Healing in changing Self talk

Self-talk! 

We all do it, our own inner voice is the one that we hear the most. It has the most to teach us and it is also the one most likely to harm us. 

It is the voice we try to drown out with distractions and self-medication to not face the hurtful things we say to ourselves.  

It is also the voice that can be the instrument of our inner healing.  Our inner voice comes from our unconscious minds that store all the memories and impressions.  When we react to a hurtful event, our response comes from the depths of our unconscious mind. When we talk to ourselves that message also come from submerged messages and memories that we hold about our past. 

Healing from our childhood wounding is learning how to put those now no longer pertinent messages to rest.  How can we do that when we suppress them?  We can’t.  

What we suppress comes out in other areas of our lives and our relationships.  When we suppress feelings of inadequacy that comes out in how we behave, how we interact with other people.  Whether that suppressed feeling is transposed into anger and negativity toward our self or toward others does not really matter.  The fat remains that we act in response to suppressed memories and when they get triggered we unconsciously respond in ways that are not really in our best interests. 

Healing requires that we honestly face those of our messages that come from our unconscious mind.  To draw them voluntarily to the surface, to look at them, examine them.  Find out the truth of them and then reorder and restock our unconscious mind with the corrected version of those same messages.

Wherever that journey takes us is how we come to know who we really are.  When we are no longer relying on an unconscious response to negative triggers but rather creating a life built on our own personal well thought out convictions, we become true to ourselves and the messages we send to ourselves in times of difficulty or even trauma are reflections of the values we hold dear not the triggered responses from our childhood self that are no longer relevant.

When we heal we develop a keen awareness of our own personal demons.  Oddly enough that also changes the way we see the key players in our lives.  When we start to see our own demons, we start to see which demons are speaking (or were speaking) for those others in our lives.  

As we get to know ourselves better, we start to see others in relationship to their own inner demons.  

As we show ourselves compassion as we strive to have better self talk, we see how others have either learned or have not learned, faced or denied themselves the opportunity to heal. 

And in the process we become more compassionate toward those who have not yet discovered the power of inner healing.

Often those who hurt us the most have the most need for inner healing.  And sadly often those in the most need of inner healing are the most in denial of needing inner healing.  The very actions that hurt us the most we discover come from the very wounds that they are unwilling to face.

Those of us brave enough to face our inner demons change from the inside out.  We don’t just adopt a different outlook; we consciously make choices to change deep down to our core values.  The work is hard but rewarding.  In the process we go from damaging negative self-talk, to strong empowering self-talk. 

Here is however where I have a word of caution.  To just decide to employ positive self talk without first doing the inner healing is like putting a bandage on a gaping wound.  If the wound is infected and filled with pus first it needs to be disinfected and healed, maybe even some stitches applied to close the wound.  Just covering it up would allow infection and rot to remain and fester.

By all means build a better more positive self talk vocabulary, but first investigate the source of the negative self talk, heal the old emotional wounds, scour the unconscious mind for hidden messages that have been buried and lain unresolved and yet trigger behaviour in us that we struggle to reconcile. 

Heal all those inner demons and walk toward a future where you truly are the source of your conscious choices and actions and reactions.

Then if you are really brave, take that healing and use it to show compassion towards those who have not yet healed, toward those that continue to hurt and hurt others because of their unresolved inner demons.  Become a beacon of light as you change and show others that change is possible.  Maybe even open up old conversations from a new perspective, from a place of kindness and compassion and growth rather than from anger and fear and retaliation.

How would that change your relationships, your connections, and your corner of the world?

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2016 - 06 - 17

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