Reflections on Healing after estrangement: Change and Starting Something New

Healing is about change.
About embracing something different

A symbol of change is starting something new.

For a long time now I have been following the lunar cycle; learning when the moon rises and sets, following the waxing and waning of the moon.   Recently I started learning more about ancient rituals and symbolism around the phase of the moon.  And I realized that those symbols relate to life, to the planting and harvesting of the ideas and intentions of our lives.

And healing is a cycle of releasing the old harvest (the bad experiences) and planting a new crop (making room for changes).  I decided to embrace this symbol of cycles as a healing tool.   My meditation evolves and grows as I learn and discover.  But always I have one intention in mind, to bring new ideas into my life that will make my days richer and fuller in meaning.

New moon - photo credit unknown

The “New Moon”, in the lunar ritual cycle, stands for a new beginning, for receiving and creating anew.

So with this in mind I decided to create a “new moon ritual” that allows me to meditate on this concept.  I wanted to create a space where I could make this a special and significant time:

• To reflect upon the new beginnings I want to make.  
• To creating something new and different in my life
• To allowing healing to flow into my life
• To change my thought patterns

I stated by asking myself some questions:

• What is it that I want now, in the aftermath of all that has happened?
• What would I like the patterns of my life now and into the future look like?
• How would I like to feel and what emotions do I want to embrace?
• Which changes can I take responsibility for to make them happen in my life?
• Where do I see myself headed?
• When do I see myself arriving at this destination?

The ritual I created is simple:

• A detox soak in the tub in the dark of early morning near the time of the rising new moon. (symbol - to wash away old negative feelings that no longer work for me or are no longer wanted in my life and to be aligned with new beginnings) 
• I light candles for soft lighting. (symbol - light my path to new destinations)
• I have soft music playing and / or a prepared meditation! (to guide my mind toward the thoughts I wish to embrace) 
• I give myself the gift of time.  Time for me to reflect on the changes and new beginnings I am making.

I allow my intensions to flow; I ask for those things that I value to become apparent in my life:

• I ask for peace and happiness and gratitude to flow abundantly into my life
• I ask that I be more aware of those things in my life that bring me peace and joy
• I ask to be open to embracing these gifts of happiness with exuberance and enthusiasm.
• I ask to be conscious of new thoughts, idea and creative opportunities when they appear in my life.

For me, incorporating a new ritual is just one more way to connect mindfully with those things that bring joy into my life.  The act of verbalizing my intensions through ritual, allows me to courageously connect with those things that I am grateful for and to consciously choose and embrace change and move forward in my healing journey 

It is one more way for me to distinguish between those things that I cannot change and those things which I have the power to change.  Rituals like this are one more tool in my “wellness toolkit” that makes it possible for me to find peace in my heart, to reach for joy and enthusiasm and energy, to face today just as it is.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2014 – 01 – 20

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Reflecting on Estrangement and a book about the journey of grief and healing?

I want to thank all of you my dear readers for your continual support and encouraging comments.   I have been writing about my experience with estrangement in my journal for the past 3 years.  I was estranged in May 2009, the first couple of years I confess, are almost a complete blur of grief.  It was starting to journal my feelings (Dec 2011) that was actually the first step I took toward healing.

I started my "Reflections on Life" facebook page shortly afterwards to trace my "journey of reflective thoughts", and then started my blog here (Feb 2013).  I have been trying to express thoughts and ideas that swirl through my mind. 

At first I was very timid, filled with fear of the repercussions.  I found myself wondering repeatedly, does my story reflect the experiences of other estranged parents?  Will my expressing of my thoughts and feeling alienate the "estrangers" even more? 

I have been overwhelmed by the heartfelt and generous words of praise and encouragement.  Hearing from you that I am also saying what you have felt the need to say has inspired me to keep going.  

Many of you have asked me if I would consider writing a book.  I want to admit to you that the prospect overwhelms me.

Can I do this?  Can I write about the experience of estrangement from our point of view and do it in such a manner that you the reader can gain solace and hope. Do it in such a way that others who have not been affected might come to understand us better.  Do it to leave a legacy for our estranging children to recognize the enormity of the consequences of their actions.

This question has been sitting on my mind for months now, and each time I have faced it I have sidestepped making a commitment to the project. 

Partly it is the fear of facing full on all the emotions we all experience.  To write a book about dealing and healing, a journey through estrangement, requires opening up and examining all those wounds once more.   It is a daunting process. 

And yet at the same time I realize that every day I face the trauma of the experience and make choices about how to navigate my day.  Writing about the process would allow me to face those same choices but offer others an opportunity to see the tools I have developed for handling the emotions and working through them to regain my life.  

The prospect that my work might benefit others is what inspires me to now take on this project. However, I also realize the fragility of my resolve. 

I know that on a bad day I might get stuck and not follow through on my intension.  And so I ask you my dear readers to be with me on this journey.  As I share parts of my book with you here, let me know if I am on the right track or remind me of what is most helpful to you.  Share with me your needs so that I can work through the darker days with hope that it is all worth it in the end.

Renate Dundys Marrello

Reclaiming Life After Being Estranged - A Healing Story Part 3

Over and over again I hear that "change is possible".  There are so many messages out there about this.  The challenge really is in believing that change is possible. 

When I first started recovering from the shock and trauma of being estranged by my Adult Child, (versus living in the shock and trauma) I had to remember that I was somebody before I became a mother and now I just have to rediscover who that somebody was.  I had to give up fighting the old and embrace the new.  

JUST!   Makes it Sound simple enough right?   But the journey toward that goal was (and sometimes even continues to be) so wrapped up in my perception of myself as mother that it was incredibly hard to disentangle all the bits of my life that predate motherhood.  

I kept coming up against these questions:

“Who am I when I am not a mother?”
"Who am I when I am not focused on trying to do everything in my power to make my children happy?" 

"Who was I before?"

And "Does that person still exist somewhere hidden deep inside?"

And one of the things that I came face to face with was that my need to make others happy was tied to my need to be appreciated.  It was something I felt as a teen, you know that feeling of needing to fit in, to be accepted.  It was like I transmuted that need into “pleasing my family and making others happy was a fundamental extension of that old me. Something that I never resolved in all the "business" of parenting.  Something that has come back to haunt me.

When I was confronted with no longer being able to please my adult child, I lost way more than just a relationship with her; I also lost a relationship with myself.  For if my need to be appreciated can’t come from making her happy how will I fill that void?  How will I find acceptance?  How will I fit in?

Therefore, the first change I had to address was my need for validation / appreciation.  The questions I was left facing were “why do I need outside validation? And why have I never learnt how to validate myself?"

That led me into a whole bunch of research into building self-esteem and self-worth.  My challenge was to change the way I spoke to myself and the way I treated myself. I had to change my reasons for doing things for others from

“If I do good things for them, they I will feel and show their appreciation to me”

to

“If I do good things I will appreciate myself for doing good things, and being a good person.”

I learnt that as long as I felt the former I was giving control to others.  They could withhold their appreciation or validation and thus destroy and devalue me, leaving me devastated and empty.

When I learnt to appreciate myself for my good qualities, even when others do not appreciate those actions I retain my value because my self-worth now is linked with my own appreciation for the good things that I do.

This was one of the first fundamental changes that I made in my thinking and it was a pivotal part of my healing journey. 

This change in attitude allowed me to say:   I did a good job as a parent and just because my estranging adult child does not appreciate nor recognize it, does not mean that it is untrue.  I am still a good parent.  I did good things as a parent.  I am a good person. Whether I am recognized by others for this quality or not, does not change the truth of the fact.  Empowering thoughts!

These are new and healthier thinking habits.  I now realize that I have fundamentally changed in quite a profound way. This is good!

Along with a change in fundamental thinking habits I have had to re-examine what I invest my time into.

Parenting takes up so much of our time over so many years.  Many of our interests and hobbies were sublimated to make room for parenting.  And then there naturally was the anticipation that at some point in time there would be grandchildren to devote time to.  So when this future is taken away we are left with these enormous chunks of time that now stand empty of purpose.

That is a huge gap to fill. And when the empty time gets filled with backward reflections inevitably we get stuck in the past. Or sometimes we get stuck in the unprofitable place of "what could have been".  Neither of these is a healthy place to live for it robs us of enthusiasm for today and the joyful anticipation of tomorrow that we fundamentally deserve.

One day I found myself reflecting upon this notion and thought back to being a child myself, and then a teenager and young adult.  I never lacked for creative ideas of things to do.  My days were chock full of my many and varied interests.

I determined that it was time to get back to that frame of mind.  Here was my opportunity to make a major change; to re-embrace that vitality and enthusiastic outlook on life.  This was the second challenge I embraced in my path toward change.

My goal became to bring a childlike quality into my days.  I decided to start looking for things that I could take pleasure in.  For example, I took up sky watching and learnt about the lunar cycle.  I started doing research into any topic that caught my fancy.  I started to participate in various challenges (example “rewild your life”).  I tried to learn how to play again!  Actually I worked very hard at learning how to play again!

It sometimes felt foreign, like I was trying to be something I wasn't.  

But gradually I got into the spirit of things.  

Now when I feel foolish (like the time I climbed on the wall and walked along the stones) I recognize that I don’t so much "feel foolish" as much as I fear that others will look at me like I am foolish. 

And slowly I have accepted that I have to let go of my fear of what others think, because they are going to think something anyways, regardless of what I do!  So they might as well make fun of me for having fun over any of the other things they could find fault with!  I slowly am regaining my "spark of madness".

A third fundamental change that I made was in my changing awareness of what is important.  I decided that this moment, the now, this minute in my journey is more important than the goal or the destination. I had to come to terms with and accept that too much of my life was spent in “doing something now for some future benefit”.

Even parenting had this kind of “goal” attached to it.  If I am a good parent then my children will be happy and then we will have a good relationship and we will have good times in the future when they are happy in their lives.  

Sure there were many times that I was invested in the “moment” of parenting.  And just like many other parents, I too can look back on those special cherished moments.  However, always the goal was there that the purpose of the good parenting was to develop good character in my children, to mold them into nice people.  And always there was this “special goal” that someday the process would lead me to being a grandparent and to live vicariously through the wonder of a grandchild.  So when that goal / reward was taken from me I felt an extreme loss.  I did not place enough value in the moment and placed too much emphasis on the "expected outcome".  When that expected outcome was taken away it somehow diminished the purpose of the journey.

So now bereft of that much anticipated future, where do I go now? First I had to make peace with the fact that the journey was the journey!  The outcome does not have the value that I attached to it.  Only the journey mattered.  And I traveled that road, that part of my life as well as I was able under the circumstances and with the knowledge that I had.

Now however, out of necessity I have had to reevaluate and my intentions have had to change. 

My goal now is to live out the days that I have remaining in conscientious appreciation of the "specialness" of NOW.  I strive each day to appreciate each moment as a unique part of the journey of life.

This instant, right now, is all that I have and this is the only moment that is important. Not what happened last week, last month, last year, not next week, next month, some time in the future.  ONLY NOW.

Now don't get me wrong, we still need goals and intentions. We need to wake up in the morning with plans that excite us and motivate us.   However in the process of working towards those goals we must never lose sight of the fact that our lives happen in the minutia of what happens in the now. We need to remember that each little step along the way has significance above and beyond how the future may or may not unfold.

I have embraced mindfulness practices.  Meditation and  focused thought are now part of my routine.

  

I have started a daily gratitude journal. I open my eyes more often to what blessings I have.  I see and I notice things that I used to take for granted. 

I realize that this is an ongoing project that will evolve and change over time.   But I am in motion towards feeling better and better by living here and now.

As always I want to remind you my dear reader that this is not a “quick fix”.  It does not magically “take away the sorrow and grief”.   However, it does allow me to live, at peace with the knowledge that I am moving forward in healing. And that, in my humble opinion, is so much healthier for me than when I was living in the past with constant repetition through my mind of the unchanging regrets and recriminations.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 01 - 16

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Reclaiming Life After Being Estranged - A Healing Story Part 2

There is a writer, Joshua Coleman that proposes that it is the parent that can bring about the healing of the family rift.  He is a psychologist and I did read his work. He proposes that all that is required is an apology and a willingness to take all the blame and happiness is the end result.  Communicate and accept that it is all your fault and the rift will be healed!

At one point I did "buy" what he was selling.   I did the apology! As a matter of fact I wrote several heartfelt letters of apology accepting the blame for everything that ever went wrong and a willingness to try to start over!

They got me zero response! 

All I got was still more silent treatment. I was not abject enough I guess. Maybe I did not prostate myself at her feet enough!  Possibly I did not totally humiliate myself enough.  Bottom line, in her estimation, even my apology was "not good enough!"  I was once again a failure. 

I anguished and it hurt incredibly to write these  letters, taking and accepting all the blame for everything that I inadvertently did wrong ever in her life. 
I humbled myself to accept all my faults, real, imagined known and unknown.  Whatever fault there was in leading to her feeling the way she did I was willing to accept all the blame. I was willing to ask for forgiveness for every sin real or imagined she conceived me to be guilty of.  And, for this I was once again slapped in the face with the rejection of silence.

And in that silence I started to have new thoughts and new insights.  In that silence there started the seeds of the big revelations that unfolded before me.

You see, the problem was that in doing this apology exercise, in taking all the blame upon mself, I felt even worse about myself.  

Not only was I an estranged parent, I was now totally stripped of all self-esteem and self-worth.  I was this total nobody.  A failure as a parent.  I had failed as a human being.  I was a failure.  I even failed to make an acceptable adequate apology!  I was a complete utter total failure. 

And in facing these feelings, totally devastated, I approached the darkest days of my life.

I did not care if I lived or died. In fact I almost died.  I was distracted with my sorrow and did not see an oncoming vehicle and I was hit.  I could have been killed!

And in that moment of walking away from that almost terminal accident I realized something vital, that I wanted to live! And I realized that in order to do that I had to reclaim my self-esteem.

I stated analyzing things differently.  I looked at my apology and realized that in taking all the blame I was absolving my estranging daughter of her guilt for the actions that she took.  In making her right, I was I was saying that her actions were acceptable and that I somehow deserved to be treated this way for my failures.

And then the thought exploded into my mind.  She is not right, her actions are not okay!   And I should not have to demean myself to win her approval.

No one has that right over me! 

No one has the right to force me to walk on bended knee in total humiliation to attempt to make someone else feel good and powerful.

No one has the right to destroy my self-respect so they can feel superior. 

No one has the right to demand my respect without giving me respect in return.  No one!  Not even my daughter.

It was then that I started taking back my human dignity and now I will let no one take that away from me. Never again! 

I am as worthy as my daughter is of being treated with respect and kindness and consideration.  I will not grovel and beg for what is my right as a human being. I will not take the role of second class citizen to make anyone else, even my daughter, feel superior.

That was the turning point in my life after estrangement.

Now, I will only own up to the mistakes I truly believe that I have made.   I know for example, I failed to teach enough about morality and socially acceptable constraints on self-aggrandizement.  I followed the advice of good old Dr. Spock to teach self-esteem but I forgot to balance that with teaching that it is also vital to appreciate the value of others and to respect their esteem. 

The reality is that because of my failure to teach this balance, my daughter learnt to feel that she is superior to others and deserves better treatment than others.  She feels she is better than me and that she is entitled to my groveling.  She feels that I ought to worship her regardless of how badly she treats me.

I do totally accept responsibility for this failure!  
Yes, I will even apologize for this!

However I do not apologize for her behaviour as a result of her grandiose beliefs in herself.   She is accountable for her behaviour and her own choices.  She has to be accountable for her bullying and manipulative tactics. She is responsible for the lies she has told about me behind my back.

Once I started to change my perspective on what I need to be apologetic for, I started to find peace.  

A deep inner peace that comes from knowing I did my best as a parent, with the information I had.  I was the best parent I knew how to be with the resources I had available. 
I may have made mistakes, but they were neither intentional nor were they made with malice or evil intent or forethought to cause harm!  They were simple human errors made by a human trying hard to do right.

I can no longer beleaguer myself into saying I need to do more.  I have done more and then more, and then some more, and then even some more; and that only got me disrespect, put downs, name calling, shunning and rejection.

Now I will respect myself first and foremost and my apologies will reflect this.  I will never ever again apologize for the sake of apologizing, nor will I take  the blame for things that I am not accountable for.

Now I reclaim my rights to be treated with respect.  I will no longer eat crow just for the sake of eating crow.

I am a good person.  I deserve to be treated well.  I deserve to be respected and I will not accept less than what I deserve.  And if the consequence of this is that I will not have my daughter in my life....so be it.

It is more important to have my self-respect than to have such a demanding and inconsiderate person in my life.  It is more important that I feel good about myself than to allow a demeaning person to continually tear me down.  No one has the right to take my dignity away from me. 

Sure it would be nice to have a relationship with my daughter.  However, I am no longer willing to do so at the expense of my self-esteem, my dignity, my self-worth.  

A relationship is built on equality.  I will not give respect to a person who disrespects me.  Respect must be a two way street or there is no relationship.  I will no longer allow myself to be dominated, browbeaten, subjugated or coerced.

After more than five years there is a whole lot of water under the bridge. There were a whole lot of missed opportunities to reply to apologies, to reconnect.  Opportunities my daughter did not grasp as she continued to punish with the emotional abuse of rejection and silent treatment.

One day, not too long ago, I decided to look up what jail sentences were for various crimes.  I discovered that "violent crimes" are the only ones with 5 or more years of incarceration!    So punishing a parent for the failure in parenting is equal to a violent crime!?   I don't think so!  And this does not even address the fact that criminals are given trials and defense lawyers.  

I don’t see my estranging daughter doing anything towards creating a solution.  What has been her contribution toward communication or resolution?  

She has demanded.  
She has tried to manipulate me with ultimatums.  
She has slandered my name and defamed my character. 

Where is her willingness to apologize for those actions?  Those actions were not based on anything that I did or did not do as a parent.  How does she justify those deeds? 

In the movie "The Big Easy", there is a scene where Anne Osborne turns to Remy and says, “Why don't you just face it, Remy? You're not one of the good guys anymore.”

And this is what I want to say to my daughter, “After the way you have treated me, face it, you’re not one of the good guys anymore”.

So now, as part of my healing journey, I post what I feel.  

I have nothing to hide! 

I will not be shamed into feeling guilt anymore. 

I will not take blame for things I did not do.

I did not do anything so horrific as to warrant this kind of treatment.   If you have a problem with me, face me and say to my face what is wrong.  Allow me to defend my honour! Don't go shaming me and vilifying me and trashing me behind my back!  That is not right.

I pronounce that I too have my rights!

I have the right to be treated fairly.

I have the right to a defense.

I have the right to be respected.

I do not deserve to be treated abusively, to be lied about, to be rejected, to be unheard. 

People can and do chose sides. Most have already done so based on hearing only one side of the story, hers.   They did not even feel I was important enough to be given an opportunity to voice my side of the story! 

I now know I have nothing that I can say that will change their minds any more than I can change the mind of my daughter into seeing that her course of actions were wrong.  Having lost it all, I have nothing left to lose. And in knowing that fact, I have gained great strength.  I have learnt that I can survive rejection and abandonment!

And since I have nothing left to lose, I find that I have lost the fear of loss as well!

This knowledge has given me the freedom and the strength to embrace the reality of my life as it is now. 

This understanding has liberated me.

I am free to voice my opinions. 
I am at liberty to express what I feel is my truth. 

This is healing, and that is the journey that I am on. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 - 01 - 14

Reclaiming Life After Being Estranged - A Healing Story Part 1

One of the problems with being estranged is that you no longer live in the present.

You live in the past; reviewing the events of the past, trying to figure out what went wrong, what you could have done better, what you would change if you had a change and endlessly in a loop you go over and over again the events in your life that lead up to being estranged.

Or when not living in the past, you live in the future imagining happy reunions, or wondering about how you will react when and should and if the estranging adult child choses to return. What would you say, how might you feel, what would you think, what would you ask of the estranger?

So our present moments often become filled with memories, regrets about the past, sorrow created by the past, emptiness because of what has been taken from us in the past, and worry about what could or might be in the future.  

We look back or we look forward instead of seeing the present moment.  

It took me a long time to understand this.  I would say, "but I feel sad in the present moment."  Right!?  Have you been in this place, where you are sad right now and you think you are in the present?  I have been studying mindfulness for a year now and finally it dawned on me what has evaded my understanding for so long.

I am not sad in the present moment…I am sad because I am looking back at what I have missed out on and what has happened to me to get to this present moment.  The present moment is not making me feel sad. 

In the present moment I may be sitting in a comfortable chair drinking a cup of coffee looking out the window at the scenery. 

Does noticing the comfortable chair make me feel sad?

Does drinking the good cup of coffee make me feel sad? 

Does looking at the scenery make me feel sad?

NO!   It is my memories of the past that make me feel sad.   It is my thoughts about what might have been or could have been that make me sad.  It is where I am in relationship to my thoughts that is making me sad.

This past summer I was on an adventure with my sister exploring the Grand River in Ontario.     We stopped for picture opportunities along the length of the river and I had an amazing revelation.  It came about in the form of a simple conversation we were having about taking pictures.  It was an innocent conversation about why we take pictures and what captures our interest.  How the conversation went I no longer remember but the statement that has stuck with me ever since was this “when I have my camera in my hand I am more mindful of this moment in time; of what I am seeing and experiencing, and I look with an eye of expecting to find something wonderful to capture with my photograph, my mind does not stray to think about other things, my mind is in the moment”

It is interesting how powerful that statement has been for me. It opened up for me the opportunity to reflect that when I have a camera in my hand I see more!   When I am looking at a scene with my artistic photographer’s eye I focus differently on the image, what I see becomes central to moment. 

Without the camera I just see the scene and the input is a vague “that’s nice”.  With the camera ready to be focused on an image I take longer to look and see details.  I experience the contrasts, what is behind the object and how will that look as a back drop to the image.

For example; without a camera I see a pretty flower, I may even recognize what it is.  I notice the colour and the shape.  The image enters my mind “that is pretty” and I smile and I move on.  With a camera I still see a pretty flower, but now I wonder how can I take a good picture of the flower?  Will those leaves make a good back drop or do I need to get down on the ground and shoot upwards to capture the sky in the back ground?   Will that concrete wall make a good back drop if I change the focal point so the flower is crisp and clear but the background becomes hazy?  Do I want to change lenses and get an extreme close up so that the stamen and pistols are the central attraction of the picture or do I want a longer lens to bring the whole flower into the picture?  Deliberating about taking a picture causes me to notice more, to be more completely in the moment.  In concentrating on capturing that image I experience more of that moment. 

Another example, when I am on a hike without a camera in hand I often find my mind wandering thinking about other “stuff”, those ruminating thoughts that wander here and there and all too often lead back to the past.  I then get to the end of the hike and realize that I hardly noticed the beauty of the changing scenery around me.  Yes I walked but I was not participating in the moment of the walk.

With my camera in hand I look at each tree and stump and clump of foliage for the hidden magic.  I see the small mushrooms growing in crevasses in the wood.  I notice the tiny wildflower, almost hidden by last year’s mulching leaves.  I see the twisted trunks that look like embracing couples or those roots that bend around a rock in precarious support.  I see more with a camera in my hand because I look for more.

I look back and I realize that “camera in my hand” has been a saving grace for me in the years after being estranged.  With camera in hand I focused on the present moment.  I look at my collection of photos and I remember where I was and what I was doing because through the lens of my camera I was present in that moment.  The days for which I have no "photographic memory" I know were days filled with looking at the past with regrets or worrying about the future.

This past year I have been focusing a lot of my research reading on the nature of healing from emotional wounds.  Something I came across over and over again was the notion of “mindfulness”.   Mindfulness has become something that I do for myself.  I started to start each day by reading a message that I had written to myself:

“My intention is to pay attention to each and every moment of my life, non-judgmentally. To be mindfully involved in purposeful action, focused attention, and grounded in the current experience. To be filled with a boundless sense of curiosity.”

This became one of the first healing tools that I incorporated into my healing journey.  I found simple strategies that worked for me to bring my mind to focus on the NOW, on the PRESENT MOMENT.  I started to live my life as if I had a camera in my hand!

I have been working hard at “RE” learning how to live mindfully.  This lesson has been challenging for me.  I have been working diligently on this for just over a year now.  I am getting better!  I am faster at ending the ruminations when they start.  I still start every day with a reminder to remain in the moment.  I still read my “start the day with Mindfulness pages”.   I still rely on my mindfulness exercises to bring me back to the moment.  But the successes are starting to show.  

I enjoy each day “as it is” more, because I spend less time in the imaginary time frame of “what might have been”.  Oh yes I still have my “moments” when I flash back.  Yes I still have moments when the past haunts me, but I am getting better at closing the door on the past and returning to the present.  

When you, my dear reader, are ready to follow in your own healing journey I wish you the joy of those small successes that bring you back to living your own life fully once again.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 – 01 – 01  

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Reflection on the Pain of Estrangement and the Concept of Self Forgiveness

winter landscape along Toronto lakeshore

As I grieve for all that I have lost as a result of my adult child estranging herself from the family I realize that there are certain things that are harder to come to terms with than others. 

Accepting that she is an adult and free to choose her own path took some time but I came to terms with that and gave her “wings”.  I forgive her for the choices she made and I made peace with the reality of the situation. 

That was actually the easier part of the grief process, a process that has so far taken me on a five and a half year roller-coaster ride of emotions journey.

The harder part is learning to forgive myself. I still catch myself asking: “what did I do that was so very wrong”? 

I still go over and over the “mothering years” trying to figure out exactly where did I fail? Why did she grow up feeling that I did not do enough, give enough, make her feel secure enough?  What action or lack of action on my part left her feeling so vulnerable and hurt?  And as always every single time I evaluate myself I can’t find any definitive action that was so horrible as to deserve this.  

And yet I am still blaming myself. 

Here is the hurt that I am struggling with now:

What did I do wrong in the raising of my dearly loved child that she is as an adult capable of such cruelty? 

• Over and over again I ask myself what I did wrong to create such a person?
• What did I fail to teach her about the nature of love, and how love is unconditional and does not betray? 
• How did she learn that love is a weapon to be used to hurt family? 
• What act of mine left her feeling that it is acceptable to be so judgmental? 

I thought I showed her that love is about making sacrifices and about kindness and compassion for people’s failings.   Yet somehow she learned to be critical and controlling, to withhold love to get concessions. 

Where did she learn this kind of love?  It perplexes me.

As turbulent a relationship as I had with my mother I never ever estranged from her.  I never denied her opportunities to visit with her grand children.  I never forgot to include her in birthdays and holidays. Sure there were disagreements and there were challenges but I never gave up trying to do the right thing.  

Did my daughter interpret the struggles I had to have a mature relationship with my own mother that is it not worth the effort?  That she could not even be bothered  to   try to have a relationship with me? 

And yet here I am, I have succeeded in moving forward into a loving mature relationship with my mother, we both survived the growing pains of being our own individual selves and still have a good relationship.   Why did my daughter not learn from that example?  Why did she feel the need to give up and not try at all just because the path is difficult? 

These are the kinds of questions that still pester me. These are the thoughts that ruminate in my brain even when I am finding acceptance in other areas. 

I sit here and ponder: Am I still self-blaming even after all the effort I have put into learning to be kinder to myself, to show myself more compassion and understanding. Even as I work hard to be willing to forgiven her, I have still not been able to forgive myself for my "unknown" failings.

So as the days unfold toward the ending of this year, I find I am still in need of a shift in thoughts; to be more accepting of my humanity and my human errors.  I will continue to focus on the now and journey forward. As I set my intentions for the New Year they will be centered around healing this part of me that still continues to lay the blame on myself.

I know I will continue to feel the sorrow and despair of what is not.  But I am starting to realize it is unkind and unfair to myself to be the only one taking any blame or responsibility for what is essentially an unsuccessful relationship.

A successful relations requires that both people work equally hard at making it a success.  And therefore when a relationship is unsuccessful that also implies that BOTH parties have made mistakes and BOTH parties need to be accountable and BOTH parties need to accept responsibility and BOTH parties need to work on the solution.

This means that my daughter also needs to accept accountability and responsibility and share the blame for the choices that she has made. 

• So why am I the only one working on personal growth and change?
• And why am I the only one struggling and working on a path toward forgiving?

It was NOT ALL my fault. 

• As long as she is not suffering the burden of self-recrimination for her actions, why should I continue to punish myself?
• As long as she does not see the mistakes that she has made why should I continue to take all the blame?
• As long as she does not walk a path toward reconciliation and a better possible future why should I continue to be unforgiving about my shortcomings?

I am already being punished enough by not being allowed to see her and have a relationship with her and my grandson.  Do I really need to compound the punishment by flagellating myself?  I feel the answer is NO!  

And yet I know that this journey toward self-forgiveness will be a challenge.  So here are my intentions for the coming year:

• I will embrace what lessons I am in need of learning, even though I do not understand why.
• I will accept that this transformation is for my own better good in the long run. 
• I will accept that there is a lesson to be learnt here, that I would not be learning if all things had unfolded smoothly. 
• I will be kind and patient with myself as I learn what it is that I am meant to learn. 
• I will learn to forgive myself for not being perfect.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2014 - 12 - 23
updated 2015 - 09 - 17
addendum: Now, almost a year later, I find I blame myself less, though I still ask questions.  I still read volumes on character disturbances, how to recognize them for what they are.  I read because it is important to understand behaviours and that those behaviours are not about me, but rather about the person who acts that way.

I try to stay away from the self-harming questions like "what did I do to make her capable of acting this way?"  These questions really have no answer without dialogue, and in estrangement there is no dialogue.

I have come to believe that those who choose to estrange fear what they might learn in the process of communication.  They fear that they will have to compromise, that things are not all as black and white as they try to tell themselves that it is.

I have come to believe that the end to estrangement comes only when dialogue resumes without expectation of "winning" or "being right".  Dialogue begins when the "grudge" is allowed to fall by the way side and the "person" becomes more important than the "grievance"

I have been learning to be kind to myself, to forgive myself for my mistakes, and in the process I have accepted that I have to give her time to learn her own lessons in her own time. When she feels that she can face the facts that will be exposed by dialogue and communication, then maybe we can possibly resume a path toward reconciliation.

Until that time I will continue to work on being kinder and more forgiving of myself and my failings, more accepting of my human frailties.  I will honour that my mistakes have led me toward a path of becoming more compassionate, more understanding of myself as well as of others.
 

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Post Estrangement - Reflections on Responsibility; a Choice

Responsibility is a challenging concept.  

I am not talking about the everyday kind of responsibility like going to work to earn a living, cleaning the house, doing the yard work or providing a home for your family That kind of responsibility is the easy part.

I am talking about being responsible for the actions we take, the choices we make in the face of less than perfect circumstances.

Often I find people shirk responsibility.  So many times I hear phrases like:

 “it is not my fault because….” 

This is then followed by a litany of all kinds of excuses why they did or did not do something.

So many people blame their past, their parents, their circumstances etc. for anything that is wrong in their lives.  It is never about themselves and what they ought to be taking responsibility for. There is always an excuse why they can’t.

Similarly so many people do something bad to another person or speak badly about another person but they don’t OWN that they did something bad instead they say: 

“he deserved it because…”   or   “she made me do it because…”

There is a lot of blaming going on in society today. 

• “I am unhappy because my parents screwed me up.” 
• “I am dissatisfied because my boss is horrible”  
• “I can’t be a better person because of what happened to me in the past”.

All these excuses stack up to a lot of non-accountability or non-responsibility for actions taken. 

The irony is that we are responsible!  

Every action that we chose to take is our responsibility. 

Whether we treat others well or not is a choice and ultimately we make that choice. 

Whether we speak the truth or say what others want to hear is a choice. Sometimes speaking the truth has negative consequences!

When we listen to someone's story we can't help but hear the lies they are telling us to make themselves appear good but we can choose whether of not to believe the lies and how we act after hearing the lies is a choice.  This is why gossip is such an evil because if furthers the spreading of lies.  The choice is to gossip and further spread the lies or not.

Yes, things happen to us, good things and bad things.  However it is a choice how we decide to act after those events. 

We can chose to act negatively because we perceive we have been wrongfully treated.  

OR 

We can accept that we have been treated wrongfully and then go out and do good or right in spite of the wrong that we experienced.  

That is the kind of responsibility that I am thinking about!

This is taking responsibility for the choice of our actions. 

No blame placed upon the past actions of others or past events; just taking full responsibility for your own actions in response to your experiences.

• It takes great integrity to make the choice to act well in spite of bad experiences. 
• It is hard to hold back on vindictive actions in response to injustices. 
• It is challenging to see the error of other people’s ways and not blame them for your failings. 

Responsibility is not something that just happens; it is something you decide to own.  You can choose to be accountable or you can choose to excuse your behaviour

As you look to your future what path will you follow?  

Ultimately the choice is yours and ultimately you will be responsible for the choices that you make, regardless of which choice you choose.

I have created for myself a personalized prayer for accountability. I challenge myself to live by these rules. 

When it comes to the people in my life I now can clearly define people by the choices they make.  Their choices tell me what kind of people they are.  

If they blame me for their actions I can now see clearly that they are deflecting so they do not have to be accountable for their own actions.  

When they tell lies about me or gossip about me I know they are trying to excuse their actions which deep down they know are inexcusable.

When they are unwilling to forgive me, I know that deep down they feel that they are unforgivable.

This kind of knowledge is very powerful and now I find I have a great responsibility to choose with care how I choose to act with this knowing.

It is so easy to be angry and allow the hurt to cause me to respond with vengeance.  It is harder to see them with compassion, as people with a character defect, a mental illness or a personality problem and to offer them the open door of forgiveness.

I struggle with this daily.  I know the right path, I choose the right path, but it is not easy.   But then who ever said that choosing the right path would be easy.  That is the nature of responsibility.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2014 - 12 - 03 
updated and revised 2015 - 09 - 09 

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My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright
I love when you share my page to spread the word. 
If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 
My Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.