Reflections on a Wall of Silence:

It is five years for me now since my daughter has spoken to me.  

Yes she is always on my mind; where is she, what is she doing, another day of no contact, another day of not knowing.   However, I have stopped asking why, or what did I do wrong.  I no longer punish myself with unanswerable questions and circular thinking that leads nowhere.

St. Marks Wildlife Refuge - walking in nature is my refuge. 

The fact is that I know I did nothing knowingly wrong.   It is all on her...her interpretation of what she feels I did not do well enough. Since she does not even have the courage to face me in a face to face conversation and talk....it is on her for being a coward and hiding behind a "wall of silence."

Yes I am hurt, rejection hurts.  

Yes I am sad, I lost not only my daughter but my expectations of what my senior years would look like with family around me.  

Yes I suffered all the PTSD symptoms that go with living through a traumatic ordeal like this.  

But, I have come to that place where I accept that it is what it is.   I can chose to live in the past or the wistful thinking of what might have been.  Or I can chose to create something new and meaningful for my present and future.   I choose the later.  It is not easy.   But it is the only option for me.

Passive Aggressive adult children, like my daughter, who estrange, are upset about something.  I grant them that they do have the right to feel the way they do about whatever it is that they are upset about. I have no wish to deny them this right or their feelings.

However, they also have to accept that they do not have the right to deny me the right to my feelings and my thoughts and my reasons for my choices.

When choosing to remain silent about whatever it is that they are angry about, however, it is my opinion that they are just acting like cowards.

Talking, really sincerely talking and communicating about what that something is, seems to be too much of a challenge for them.  For some reason they can not express in a civilized conversation what it is that annoys them so much and has them feeling so angry. 

Communication which could lead to resolution is beyond them.  So they remain forever in the past laying blame and expressing hatred, and they live with that emotion, they allow it to fester in their conscious and unconscious minds.  That grudge colours the way they look at things.  It colours their life choices.  It taints their psyche, and even though they are unaware of it, it is like a disease they carry in their deepest darkest thoughts. 

Communication also requires listening!  Listening to that other point of view!  They fear the consequences of bringing their grievances out into the open because they fear hearing the other side of the story.   Therefore, they use the passive approach, rejection and silent treatment.   Like that can solve anything!?   They allow that silence to express all the anger they feel and it festers in them unchanging and unresolved.

The problem with this approach is that NOTHING changes and nothing gets resolved.  

• No issues are confronted and dealt with. 

• Child hood issues remain unresolved and are allowed to fester and influence what should be adult choices.

• There is no closure for anyone involved.  Not for the parent, not for the now adult child and even the next generation, the grandchildren, are left dangling with unresolved past issues clouding the scene.

If I could send a message to adult children that estrange it would be this:

• Be courageous!  
• Accept that you have nothing to be gained by remaining silent.
• Sit down and really talk about what is bothering you. 
• Talk in a calm rational voice and you will be listened to!  
• State what you felt / are feeling in a mature conversation.
• Don’t lay blame and guilt trips.
• Don't talk in a criticizing, accusatory or demeaning manner. 
• Don't think you can scream and call names and be abusive and get results. 
• Expect answers and explanations.  Nothing is as simple as you imagine.  There are always extenuating circumstances.
• If you wish your point of view to be respected, be prepared to also respect the other point of view. 

You have to act as mature as you say you are, not act like a petulant child that did not get their way and now sulks waiting for some placating gesture.  Temper tantrums are not a way to show your maturity. 

Stop sulking and start facing the reality that parents are not some "perfect creature" with divine insight into how to be the perfect parent in every situation.  Parents do the best they can at the moment when they have a choice that needs to be made.  Sure, in hindsight maybe, the choice was not the best one…but you can’t roll back the clock and change your mind.  You accept you made a mistake, you apologize and you move on hoping that the next time a difficult decision needs to be made you have the resources to do better.

Parents do not step into parenting thinking that they will willfully hurt their children.  Parents do not set out to harm their children in anyway.   And if you really believe that is possible look into the eyes of your own child and say “I am going to knowingly and willfully harm you in every way I can”    Was it possible…could you think or say that to your child? Could you imagine following through on such a thought?   So if you could not do it why do you try to accuse your parents of doing so?

Life happens, things happen, choices have to be made based on the events and the knowledge at that moment.  You can't parent with the hindsight of future knowledge.  No parenting crystal ball has yet been invented!  

So if your feelings were hurt because of something a parent said or did in a moment of life induced stress, come to accept that "this is life".   Express your feelings about that incident and the be prepared to listen to what the parent was going through at the time that led to that choice. 

Listen to the regret and accept that expression of regret for what it is, remorse that we made a mistake.  Every choice bears consequences.  Not all the consequences are the ones we would wish for.  But that is the nature of life and living life!  

We live, we make mistakes, we learn. 

Here is a new thought, instead of hiding behind a wall of silence, talk about what upset you.  Shine the light of day upon your grudges.   Ask to hear the other side of the story!   There always is another side to the story! 

You may be surprised at what you learn, about the agony that went into making that choice that left you feeling the way you do.  You may gain a whole new perspective and understanding of the humanity of your parents. 

If you continue to hide behind your shield of silence and non communication, I can guarantee 100% for sure, that nothing will change.  You will continue to feel the anger and annoyance and that anger and annoyance will taint your life choices, and the consequences of your choices,  in ways that you can’t even yet imagine.  You will carry that burden with you and it will have an impact on your life! From a position of life experience I can tell you that is a certainty. 

Life can be very different if you chose to come forward for some honest dialogue. 

You may not hear what you want to hear, but you will hear a truth that you have not allowed yourself to see.  And you may learn that being an adult means accepting different points of view.  You may learn that being an adult requires give and take.  You may learn that it is okay to agree to disagree and still find a way to get along.

What a mature concept!

(C) Renate Dundys Marrello
2014 - 04 - 09

2017 - 07 - 20
More time has passed like so much water under the bridge. I continue to learn so much and much of that learning I would love to share with my estranging daughter, so that she does not have to learn the hard way some day.  Alas, she holds onto whatever it is that has her so angry to the point of ostracizing anyone who encourages her to take a hold of the the hand of peace reaching out to her.  Her anger isolates her as much as it isolates me.  She relives that anger every time she enumerates my faults.  I have now moved on. I have forgiven her for the choices she has made.  I am ready and have the skills to be able to begin the construction of a bridge of reconciliation.  As always it takes both parties to be willing to listen and it takes changes in response to triggers to be able to communicate with respect. As long as only one party has done the work to prepare for that step the healing of the relationship cannot commence. Breaking the cycle of ineffective communication requires a willingness to learn.  My prayer each day is for the heart of my daughter to be touched with healing. 

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Accountability is not supposed to be a one way street

There is a trend among young adults these days estrange themselves from their parents.

They justify this by blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives.  The list of reasons is as long as the number of families suffering through these estrangements.   Every estranged adult child has a litany of reason why their parents weren't satisfactory.   They use these reasons as excuses to sever relationships with their parents.  They say this is for them a journey to self hood, to emancipation from the values of their parents.  To express themselves.

Young adults have always made this journey through adolescence to adulthood, and most parents, if they are honest with themselves expect their children to undergo some form of emancipation as they establish themselves in their own separate lives.  In fact I would wager that most parents WANT their offspring to lead independent successful lives.  Part of a parent's work is to teach our offspring the skills needed to some day be independent.  Most parents rejoice when they see their children capable of taking on the responsibilities of adult independent lives.  They see this as validation that they did a good job as a parent when their child grows to be an adult that no longer needs them for the requirements of everyday living.   An expression of rebellion and independence is welcomed!

However, something vital has changed!

In order to “express this rebellion” it has seemingly become necessary to lay blame on the parent for something.  It does not matter what the something is so long as they blame the parent for it in such a way as to say “because you did “xyz”  you were a bad parent to me and therefore I will estrange you from my life.

It is no longer enough for the emancipating adult child to just say “I want to do this my way”.  To express their autonomy and thereafter to make their own path is not enough!  

They now feel that they have the right to say to the parent, “if you disagree with me you are wrong and I won’t speak to you until you agree with me”.  They want their way to become the only right way.

They want control over their parent’s thinking, their parent’s feelings, and their parent’s actions.  Some of them label their parents with “armchair psychological symptoms” to assuage their guilt, as in “I can’t be around a toxic person”

Here is where it gets really tricky.  I always supposed that a relationships between adults was based on equality.  Where everyone has the right to their opinion and where friendships are not devalued because of different points of view.

I read an interesting article the other day by Dr Joshua Coleman. In it he says:

“….you talk about your perspective and he or she talks about theirs. You talk about how you felt hurt or misunderstood. Your kid talks about how she or he feels hurt or misunderstood. You put your heads together and make sense of it, and you move on and get closer as a result.

That is not the case once there’s an estrangement in place. It’s not that kind of a dynamic. A lot of adult children say they want a relationship of equality, but in reality, it probably isn't going to be a relationship that feels very equal to you. ….. It requires that you have to give without really expecting very much in return. You’re going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that it’s a one-way street…” 

Dr. Joshua Coleman goes on to say that if we want a relationship with these estranging adult children we have to play by their rules.

What is this really saying?

It is saying that the estranging adult child wants everything their way.

The estranging adult child wants you to cave to all their demands, accept all the responsibility for everything that is wrong (absolve the adult child of any guilt the may feel over their actions)

The estranging adult child says they want a relationship only if they get to set the rules and play their games with your emotions and your heart.

The estranging adult child is saying; “we are in control of this relationship and you have no say in the matter and if you cross us on any of our rules you will be once again punished with estrangement.

The estranging adult child is saying that you the parent don’t count.  Your feelings don’t count.  You are unimportant.  Only I the adult child am important. 

I find this one way street approach to be incredibly insensitive to my needs as an individual. 

Am I expected to accept rude demeaning behaviour from another adult in order for me to earn the right to be in their life?  Am I expected to put all my needs and my feelings on hold so as not to offend?  Am I, as an adult supposed to allow another adult to manipulate me and control me to the point where I do everything I can to please them or else they will reject me?

I write this and think, isn’t this juvenile school yard behaviour?   Isn’t this reminiscent of what children taunt each other with “I won’t be your friend if you…..”

Am I supposed to become a child bowing down to the school yard bully, only this time the school yard bully is my own adult child, now grown and thinking they have the right to control and manipulate me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions?

A find this concept rather hard to swallow.

And let’s say that I do accept these “New Rules” and play that game.  What kind of a relationship would that really be? 

This one way street where I am always wrong and they are always right. 

This scenario where they presume to control me with their demands, while I am expected to acquiesce to their demands.  

Is this really a relationship?  
Sounds more like a dictatorship to me.

So the questions that need to be asked are as follows. 

• Is a relationship with these emancipated estranging adults worth my self dignity?
• Can I feel good about myself when I am not true to who I am in order to make them feel good about themselves?
• What about my personal value as a human being, am I to deny myself the right to be of equal value?
• And is accepting a one way street relationship even good for my self esteem?
• Is establishing a one way relationship worth all that I would be expected to give up?
• Is no relationship better than one where I have to put on a mask and forever pretend to be someone who I am not?
• Does any relationship asking me to sacrifice my true self this much worth it?

My personal response is NO IT IS NOT!

• Better my dignity than a relationship where I am forever the trodden upon.
• Better my own company than the company of those who feel they have the right to control me.
• Better my own life lived with validation and honesty than one where I put on a mask of supplication and inferiority.
• I will not sacrifice my value as a human being to aggrandize anyone’s ego.

Alone and Strong

This is my opinion.

I am entitled to my opinion.

In my two way street approach to relationships my opinion is just as valid and valuable as their opinion.

And anyone who feels the need to squash my opinion in order for their opinion to have value is not really welcome in my life.

© Renate Dundys Marrello


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Reflections on "Armchair Psychology"

There is a growing phenomenon that causes me concern.  For lack of a better name I will call it “armchair psychology”.  

Photo courtesy of Wikia

Growing numbers of ordinary people are looking up mental health terminology and diagnosing their family and friends based on these online lists.   People are being diagnosed with mental health issues based on assumptions made about the way they have acted in a particular situation or words they have spoken.  

No therapist is ever visited or consulted, no mental health examination is ever given, and yet a psychological evaluation and diagnosis is made! 

People are being labeled without ever seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental health practitioner!  People are being labeled as mentally ill, and even worse, as toxic without any professional mediation or intervention!

The current practice seems to simple be: "if the label fits because of a subjective perception then it must be true". 

“However, just because a particular label 
may work perfectly 

because it fits in with one's own 

subjective perception of who the other person is 

does not make it a true diagnosis.”

                     ~  grandparent alienation is not natural

This growing trend scares me because this is NOT a diagnosis but rather a "speculation".  

These are only speculations and assumptions and yet some people proceed as if this were in fact a medical diagnosis!  

What scares me even more is the fact that people are being shunned based on these assumptions.  They are being gossiped about, half truth stories are told about them behind their back and their reputations are sullied and even destroyed based on these "non-professional speculations".

Because of these “armchair diagnoses”, we are seeing actions being taken, that we would never consider if there were an actual medical diagnosis.   

In the case of a REAL medical diagnosis family and friends rally around and become supportive and try to help the person who is ill to get better.  The person who really is suffering with a mental health issue is lovingly cared for, nurtured and supported. 

In the case of “armchair diagnoses” the labeled person is shunned and tossed away as “defective” without any emotional support. They are left adrift to try to piece together what happened without any loving support from those who should have been by their side. 

 

What is strikingly missing in the case of “armchair diagnosis” is follow up care and the compassion that a REAL therapist would offer. 

A REAL therapist would be there for every appointment to help and offer support on the healing journey.

A REAL therapist would listen and give feedback and advice.

A REAL therapist would show compassion and consideration and empathy.

A REAL therapist would NOT gaslight or call their patient names or gossip about their patients condition online.

A REAL therapist would suggest healing practices and options and follow up with the patient to ensure that progress is being made.

A REAL therapist would rejoice in every victory on the road to healing with the patient.

These "armchair therapists" that throw around names of conditions while pretending to know what they are talking about don't have any idea how a REAL therapist would label the situation or what kind of help they would offer. And yet these “armchair therapists” throw around labels as if they have a right to diagnose mental health problems. 

If they were to do the same thing in medicine they would be “practicing medicine without a license”. It would be frowned upon and people wouldn't stand for it!  

Yet why are people so quick to accept the opinion of someone “practicing mental health evaluation without a license”? 

I am concerned with this growing practice.  

I am concerned about the damage these "armchair therapists" are wrecking on innocent lives. 

I am concerned about the negative impact this will have on people who have actual diagnosed mental illnesses and how they will be treated because of this prevalent practice.
I have begun to wonder how REAL therapists feel about these "armchair therapists"?

Renate Dundys Marrello
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The Story of Little Owl

...And then one day, when owl felt so small and worthless he had nothing left to lose, he decided to fight back, to draw a line in the sand, to say “I will take no more”. 

And the others were surprised at his anger and his refusal to continue to allow them to put him down.  These changes surprised them so much and they were disappointed that they could no longer control him with their taunts and they left him all alone as punishment for daring to stand up to them and their insults. 

And all alone owl then started to rebuild that which had been stolen from him.  Day by day he recovered his dignity and his self esteem.  Day by day he learnt to love and respect himself.  Day by day he learnt that what had been done to him by those bullies was wrong and wicked. 

And owl grew strong in the realization that he was worthy of love and respect and that those who could not see and accept that were the ones that really had the problem.  And owl went out into the world and found others who loved and respected him for who he was and not for what he could do for them.  

And owl was happy.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

photo credit - Healing childhood wounds

thank you Inner Child Healing for posting the picture that inspired my story.
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Reflecting on Finding Peace after being Estranged

“Be selective in your battles, sometimes peace is better than being right”

peaceful reflections

My inner peace comes from accepting who I am.  I can let others work on their efforts to be right.

I have reached that place where I no longer feel the need to constantly battle with myself to be perfect. I accept that I am human and therefore make mistakes. 

I am sorry if my mistakes hurt anyone, but I can’t continue to live a life where I punish myself day in and day out for mistakes made unwittingly in the past. 

I am an estranged parent.  That in itself is continual punishment for my shortcomings. It is enough that my daughter feels the need to keep on punishing me. 

However, I am done punishing myself.  I am a good person.  I tried hard to do what was right and good.  The fact that I failed is not for lack of trying.  It may be for lack of the right information or insufficient knowledge but never for the lack of trying.  I can not be blamed for what I did not know!  I did the best with the information that I had.  I did everything with love and best intentions.  I can not be expected to have accomplished more.  I was not perfect, I was human.

If my daughter wishes to live the rest of her life blaming me for not being perfect that is her right.  She can try to live up to her own expectations of being perfect and suffer the consequences when the time comes and she too realizes that perfection is an illusion.  She has chosen the “need to be right” path.  I have chosen the path to my own inner peace.

I think in relationships with ourselves as well as with others, we all need to take a moment to reflect on the good things and the positive virtues.  We need to go beyond the arguments and the disagreements to the core value of imperfect people trying to be OK.  I'm not talking about criminal activity; I am addressing the simple human failings that go with living life.  If we ostracize everyone for every failing they have we will soon find ourselves perpetually alone for no one will ever be able to live up to our expectations of perfection.

I have learnt that the need to be right or perfect in ourselves destroys our ability to find peace within.  And our need to be right in our relationships distracts from peaceful solutions with others.

My need to be at peace with myself is greater than my need to be right and for the first time in my life I can start to appreciate who I am without the enormous burden of the inner critic constantly talking inside my head.  I bring this new awareness to the new relationships that I am building.   Being right is not as important as caring communication.  And dialogue to expand horizons is more important than having the same point of view.  I don’t need to be right, I need peace.

© Renate Dundys Marrello

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Reflections on Gratitude

I have been pondering the concept of gratitude for quite some time now.  

I have been evaluating what I am grateful for.  And in doing so, I discovered that there is an experience of greater connection with those things that I have selected to express my gratitude for. 

When I started to do therapeutic walking in nature with my camera in hand, the rhythm of my steps chanted a silent prayer of thanks for that moment and my perception of the moment changed.  Through the lens of my camera I focused on the details of the beauty around me and learnt to spot even the beauty in the objects that others might see as ordinary or even ugly. 

Red Bed's Trail Hike around the base of Devils Tower

I transformed, as I saw more and more of the myriad beauties all around me.  I started to find beauty in unexpected places.  I discovered that by stepping beyond the ugly I could find my way to the moment of beauty just around the corner.

Como Lake Park NY

My eye learnt to see things that I used to overlook and my photo followers often commented on how I manage to take an ordinary object and reveal its hidden beauty.  

Part of this is my innate talent (and for that talent I am thankful also) but mostly I think it is due to my spiritual me singing a song of gratitude when I am on my adventures and walks.  I feel a grateful connection to the moment when I am surrounded by nature. 

Something that I started to do as an escape, to step outside myself and my hurting and my grief became a blessing because I was able to be grateful that opportunity.  

It did not heal my sorrow.  

It did not change the circumstances that caused the grief.  

But it made life bearable.  

It opened me up to new acquaintances and new friendships.  It allowed me to see that there are other dimensions to my life outside the events that have hurt me so deeply.  That in itself, is a blessing. 

However that was only the beginning.  

The feed back that I received for my photography rekindled hope that there was something worth doing with the remainder of my life.  The praise awakened in me the desire to reach out, to reconnect and to get back to loving life.  To possibly helping others by sharing with them what I have learnt. 

The simple act of gratitude, while not healing the pain or the cause of the grief, opened up my life to new horizons, and new possibilities and the acceptance that just as a gem can have many facets so can my life. 

I can have sorrow and still have wonder and awe and gratitude.  

I can have pain and yet have joy, they can live side by side.  

I can experience the despair of things that have ended 

and yet celebrate the birth of new beginnings.  

And just as a gem can have inclusions and flaws, yet still be deemed beautiful; so I too can have flaws and still be a wonderful worthwhile person. 

Together all these all these facets create the preciousness of my life as it is now.  To do more and be able to accept more from the simple pleasure of living.  

Gratitude gave me an experience which in turn opened up for me the opportunity to explore other avenues of growth. Gratitude did not fix my life but it changed me.

The circumstances of my life have not changed, my outlook has.

The grief is still there, but there is a peace of mind.

The sorrow still haunts me, but there is a balancing joy as well. 

and who knows what lies unseen, just around the corner? 

Colorado - Steamboat Springs - Hiking down Mt. Werner

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Reflection on Remembrance Day

Yesterday was Remembrance Day.  I spent some time reflecting on the people who fought and died to create the world that I have the opportunity to live in. 

The freedoms that I take for granted were won by their willingness to sacrifice for the good of future generations.  I contemplate what the world would be like without these brave people, not just soldiers, but all the people that are willing to put their lives on the line to fight for what is right and what is good.

The people who fought for better working conditions and those that fought for the vote for woman and for equal opportunity are equally important soldiers in the fight for what is right.  These brave people that scarified so that I can live the life I have today.

I am a woman with freedom and rights.
I live in country that is for the most part caring and compassionate and concerned about people’s rights and opportunities.
I live in a country that accepts that people come in different races and creeds and beliefs and finds a way to be tolerant of the differences even when it is hard to understand them.

I find myself wondering if I would have had the strength to do what some of these brave soldiers have done.  Would I be able / willing to lay down my life for the freedoms of others in the future?  I like to think that if I was in that kind of a situation I would be able to do so.  However I also realize that it takes a lot of courage as well as determination.  Fear must be overcome.  One must be able to face oneself in the mirror every day and say “today is a good day to die”.  What an incredibly brave way to live life!

Renate Dundys Marrello
a proud Canadian

photo credit - unknown

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