My Daily Reflection: re-evaluating the nature of unconditional love

I am starting to re-evaluate the nature of unconditional love. 

I was taught that my receiving love was conditional upon my behaviour.  If I behaved according to their rules and their needs, and to their standard, then I earned the right to be loved but only until such time as I made a mistake…at which time love was withheld as punishment.  THE MESSAGE:  love is conditional upon you living up to what is expected of you.

I was taught that love has no conditions by the ones that enjoyed the power of hurting me with their words and their disapproval. THE MESSAGE:  I was not to point out their faults if I loved them.

I lived most of my life by these twisted set of rules about unconditional love.  These false messages severely hampered my ability to have honest relationships because I was always monitoring my reactions, my choice of responses and actions to accommodate being perceived as loving unconditionally.

These false set of messages have over time caused me great harm.  For sure ideally we should be able to love unconditionally, but only on the condition that the object of our love has no secret agenda of their own to extract or benefit from our unconditional love. As soon as there exists an agenda or conditions by one person in the relationship everything about that relationship in turn is twisted out of alignment.

How did this play out in my life?

When I was abused to the extent where I finally had to say “NO you can’t treat me like that!”; I was discarded for not loving unconditionally, which translated into accepting abuse without complaint.  When I developed boundaries which I enforced ...suddenly I was no longer loved. This message was delivered to me by the expediency of being “ghosted”. 

THE MESSAGE:  the ones who expected me to unconditionally love them; loved me only on the condition that I allowed them to continue their abuses.

What has this taught me? 

It has taught me that the term unconditional love has a twisted message.  THE MESSAGE:  unconditional love allows abuse to continue in this relationship because you have to love me even when I am cruel to you. However if you do not love my abuses then you are guilty of not loving me unconditionally. And you are therefore a bad person."

Unconditional love served up in this way is a no win situation for those of us who try to please others by making allowances for their bad behaviour.

I am starting to believe that unconditional love needs to be earned through respect and caring actions over a period of time.  Unconditional love can also become conditional in the face of abuse. 

For example I have the right to put distance between my physical body and the abuser to protect myself.  This condition allows me to still love the wounded person (one who feels entitled to the right to abuse me) for who they are; however, it is now clear to me that, I do not have to subject myself to their abuse.  This is a condition that keeps me safe.  In this instance my love is conditionally unconditional. 

People, who in the past have put conditions on their love for me, I am now learning to look at very differently.  I have learned to recognize that they exhibit controlling and manipulative behaviour.   THE MESSAGE:  I will only love you if; with a string of requirements and conditions added.  

Their condition for loving me is my capitulation to their wishes or demands.  They may want me to love them unconditionally and accept their abusive behaviour, but they have NOT EARNED my unconditional love. 

In conclusion I have decided that the term unconditional love; while having a very nice and soft and cozy feel good feeling; is an illusion that is perpetuated for the sake of keeping captive those souls who really want to please others and therefore constantly strive to be worthy of unconditional love.  While those who thrive on being loved even when they treat others abusively through acts of bullying or name calling or derision want to preserve the status quo by calling us bad or selfish or ungrateful when we decide that we deserve better than love based on the condition of  meeting their requirements.

Sometimes I now wonder if the illusion of unconditional love is what we search for when in reality it is only a gift we can give to ourselves when we discover that we deserve to be loved for who we are rather than what we do. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 11 – 01 

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