Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Post Estrangement: Motivation to remain on a healing path

Staying on a healing path is hard work.  I am reminded about this every day not only by my own struggles but by the feed back that I get from my readers.

The most discouraging messages that I get are the ones from those in the early stages of grief that say "I will never get over this"  or even more disheartening ones that say; "I try and I try but I don't seem to be getting any better".

And yet I keep forging forward on this difficult journey, not because I am in any way unique but because I am stubborn. I have decided that I will do whatever it takes to heal, to move forward with a life filled with those things that matter to me, love, compassion, forgiveness and faith that the path I am one is the one I am meant to walk.

I think the important thing for me to keep revisiting is that healing does not shut my heart to the pain of estrangement nor does it end the sorrow that I feel over what has been lost. 

Healing however allows me to find peace within myself, to not live each day as though estrangement was "the" end, but rather an ending.

In being estranged I have had to learn a way to see beyond this ending towards a new beginning, while at the same time accepting and recognizing that this is not the way I wanted things to be, accepting the shattered dreams and that my expected might have beens will never come to pass.

As much as I struggle with this I also wish to hold out hope to others that healing is possible.  Healing does not restore what was, but it does affirm that my life matters.

Today I  saw a message by Les Brown and the sentence that spoke to me most deeply was this: 

“It is time to hold your head up and 
decide to never let anything turn 
you around.” ~ Les Brown

This reminded me that one of the great hurdles to overcome in healing from a traumatic experience is the shame of worthlessness.  It is often the one thing that pushes me back harder than my healing and moving forwards energy can offset.  And yet it is the one thing that at the same time makes me dig in my heels in obstinate refusal to give up.

When negative or disempowering thoughts threaten to overwhelm me, to turn me around from my forward healing path it is when I most have to remember to believe in my own power of goodness.

It is in developing a strong belief in my values and their ability to keep me on track, which keeps me believing that I have the ability to rise above my negative inner bully.  It is remembering that these negative thoughts originated with those who would bring me down that keeps me fighting harder than ever to climb out of the prison of dis-empowerment.

My refusal to accept emotional defeat because of the opinions and actions of others is one of my strongest assets.  I refuse to allow their bullying behaviour to sabotage my life, my healing journey, my core values and beliefs. I refuse to be defeated by cruelty and abuse.  Yes I may suffer the scars of emotional trauma, but that will not keep me from celebrating the goodness within me. 

I may not be strong enough yet to stand up to them face to face in verbal combat, but I am strong enough to defend my inner honour and integrity; to put up boundaries that prevent those negative attacks passing within, to my safe place.

Within the walls of my sanctuary I know my worth, I respect my principles, I celebrate my dreams, and I risk getting to know what my true potential is and most importantly, I love who I am becoming.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2016 – 10 – 11 

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  1. Reading your amazing words here felt like you could see into my heart. I feel exactly like you. I am always going to hold space for my two estranged sons but continue on my learning journey as I see life as a cirriculum. I will be a followong fan of you. Blessings.

  2. Very inspiring an motivating account .yes my estranged son and daughter are always in my heart and as off now I am a completely sunk in ocean of plight.ur words awakening my senses .i think I need to introspect rediscover my core values and carry forward my journey on the path to self knowledge.thank u so much for showing the appropriate direction..god bless you