I thought of my estranged daughter yesterday and realized I really don't think about her much anymore. What I do think about is how her actions and her choices have affected my life. And continue to affect my life as I reassemble the broken bits into a new and cohesive whole. That is what my healing journey is about.
Strange as it seems, I feel separated from her the person, even though I am still very much aware of the separation itself and the changes it has meant in my life.
I no longer miss her “the person”, I don’t even really know who that person is anymore. She is not the child I raised; nor is she the young woman I knew. She is not the friend I thought her to be, nor the adult daughter and companion I expected her to become. Who she is now is a stranger to me. What I really miss is the dream of what I thought we would share.
So now I find myself at that crossroads of creating new dreams based on the reality of what is.
Learning to love who I have become because of what she has put me through has forced me to come to understand the many wonderful aspects of my personality, to realize that in spite of all the trauma I am still a very much a good person, a little sadder, a little wiser, but filled with compassion and love. With all her anger toward me, with all her spiteful actions, she could not take that essential goodness away from me.
- I survived the intense anger I felt toward her.
- I mastered the desire for revenge and retaliation.
- I have even found a way to open my heart to forgiving her
for the choices she made.
- I have become more compassionate and understanding of others in pain and even have room in my heart to feel compassion for the pain she is in, for deep down, she cannot be a happy person to know she is the root cause of so much hurting to not only myself, but to our whole family.
- I have become more guarded in offering my love, but I can love again and even for her I have a different kind of love, a love that gives wings of hope that she may find that which see seeks, for she sacrificed much to achieve that separate space from which to pursue her dream, her autonomy, her future.
No, my darling daughter, who I cared for and loved and nurtured all those years, is not in my life, she is barely present in my thoughts anymore, time does in fact create a veil, a curtain, between the past and the now.
Healing has forced me to compartmentalize and separate myself from what is un-achievable. To accept that which isn’t; and instead enable myself to focus on what actually is.
- In coming through this traumatic chapter in my life I
have passed a life test. I emerged a
sadder version of who I was before.
- I am more aware of all the tragic possibilities of life,
and that best laid intentions can all too easily go astray.
- I have learned to humbly accept that which I cannot
change, knowing that even the loudest and most persistent ranting can’t undo
what has been done.
- I am learning what it means to embrace beliefs and
qualities and values that represent the person I want to be and that I don’t
have to let events make me bitter.
- I am learning that even with a broken heart and spirit, I
can present to the world all those qualities I value; that no one’s disparaging
words or actions can change the basic goodness of my nature.
- I am learning that it is possible to live with a shadow memory and dreams unfulfilled, that wounded and scared does not mean an ending but rather a just a very different beginning.
I thought of you today, my estranged daughter, love of my womb, and realized I missed what might have been but I am learning to live with what is. Not a fairy tale ending for sure, nor a happily ever after. But there is an after and for that I am grateful.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2015 – 12 – 03
My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright
I love when you share my page to spread the word.
If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.
My Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.