Coping Strategies by Nina Wornham
In Cognitive Behavior Therapy, the process of
understanding our responses to various situations is best described as a
triangle of having a thought that leads to a feeling which leads to a
behaviour.
Therefore how we think directly relates to how we feel
and then how we respond.
It's been said that shunning and cutting off another
human being is down to passive rage. But so far no one knows why.
When I began researching estrangement almost 2 years ago,
there was nothing on the internet except a silent wall of shame. I noticed the
occasional parent had made a veiled comment but apart from this, estrangement
was a mystery. I had a hard time finding anything concrete about the topic
which is why I started this group.
Parents felt it was only happening to them and because of
this they felt that they'd somehow failed.
They thought if they openly revealed their situation they
would be judged and made to feel worse so they said nothing and hid away
suffering in silence instead.
Slowly the floodgates began to open and while the finger
naturally pointed at blaming the parents originally, even the few experts that
were noticing the rise in EC cutting their parents off, began to realise that
it couldn't be a simple case of just blaming the parents. Something else was
wrong.
Today, the internet is overflowing with parents sharing
their concerns and stories about their children estranging from them. A tide
has turned, the stigma has retreated and now it's out in the open appearing
somewhat worryingly as a new trend.
No one knows why. No one knows what's breaking the glue that
bonds a child to their parents.
Originally divorce was an issue but even the traditional
married parents that have sacrificed everything are finding their children are
ditching them without a backward glance.
I have a retail business and hear it regularly from my
customers. Respectable, solid, upstanding people that have been devoted parents
only to watch their relationship with their children fall apart over the most
minor issue such as not agreeing to a request, saying no to a loan, having a
different opinion or simply not being available to babysit.
It's staggering the wrath that the adult child can
inflict on a non compliant parent.
The few 'experts' that there are on estrangement, (I
don't think there are any), are baffled. If they don't know, we're not going to
know either. The whole thing is mind boggling.
There are obvious indicators such as parental alienation,
we know this is a major problem in severing a child's loyalty and affection to
another parent.
But it's hard to guess what other factors are involved in
encouraging our Adult Children to make such drastic decisions when they cut contact with
their parents. It's tragic because not only are the parents isolated and
estranged, the Adult Child is also cut off and estranged although this probably won't
dawn on them until much later in life if the estrangement continues.
One thing I would advise is not to get into right fighting (I'm right no matter what!), or a power struggle to control the situation. This only polarizes the situation further. I have listened to my daughter scream abuse at me and rant many times. I have stopped defending myself or trying to reason with her. Instead I've recognized that she has an anger problem and when she vents her anger onto me, I walk away. This kills the argument.
Many EC are angry and while they may feel justified in
being angry, it may not be you that's made them angry. They've simply chosen to
direct their anger towards you either by shunning and ignoring you or by
sending you rage filled vents in emails.
Either way, one thing you can do is refuse to be on the
receiving end of their anger. You do have power in this sense.
Listen to them by all means but don't be a verbal punch
bag. Staying calm, explain to them that you love them and that you want to
listen and make progress but they have to communicate with you calmly and in a
civil manner.
Too often we get browbeaten into a position of being
submissive and because we're parents, we accept a lot, far more than others
would. Our love for our children and our emotional attachment often means we
allow them to treat us unfairly. This is perhaps our downfall. They get used to
treating us in this way and by accepting it, it creates a pattern of how we
ourselves expect to be treated. This is not a healthy relationship and we need
to resist the urge to tolerate this dysfunction simply to be on speaking terms
with our children.
One coping strategy is to develop a healthy expectation
of what you will tolerate (within reason).
And so going back to the thought, feeling, behaviour process, ideally you could begin to manage your situation and feelings better if you start to think...'I deserve to be spoken to in a civil manner'. This should make you feel slightly more stable and able to cope. Your response would then be if you need to respond to an email containing angry comments............'I love you and I'm sorry that you're so upset. I want to resolve things but I find it difficult to reply when I receive angry comments in an email. I hope we can find a better way to communicate and understand each other soon'.
Nina
(shared with her permission and acknowledgement)
(shared with her permission and acknowledgement)
clip art credit - as marked or unknown
About the author:
My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright
this goes for the words of my fellow author Nina Wornham as well.
About the author:
Nina Wornham is a life coach and is currently studying
CBT. She writes from experience as an
estranged parent. She is a published author of "Darker Side of the Sun" available on Amazon.
My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright
this goes for the words of my fellow author Nina Wornham as well.
I love when you share my page to spread the word.
If you want to quote Nina please provide a link back to this page so that she may receive the recognition.
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