Reclaiming Life After Being Estranged - A Healing Story Part 2

There is a writer, Joshua Coleman that proposes that it is the parent that can bring about the healing of the family rift.  He is a psychologist and I did read his work. He proposes that all that is required is an apology and a willingness to take all the blame and happiness is the end result.  Communicate and accept that it is all your fault and the rift will be healed!

At one point I did "buy" what he was selling.   I did the apology! As a matter of fact I wrote several heartfelt letters of apology accepting the blame for everything that ever went wrong and a willingness to try to start over!

They got me zero response! 

All I got was still more silent treatment. I was not abject enough I guess. Maybe I did not prostate myself at her feet enough!  Possibly I did not totally humiliate myself enough.  Bottom line, in her estimation, even my apology was "not good enough!"  I was once again a failure. 

I anguished and it hurt incredibly to write these  letters, taking and accepting all the blame for everything that I inadvertently did wrong ever in her life. 
I humbled myself to accept all my faults, real, imagined known and unknown.  Whatever fault there was in leading to her feeling the way she did I was willing to accept all the blame. I was willing to ask for forgiveness for every sin real or imagined she conceived me to be guilty of.  And, for this I was once again slapped in the face with the rejection of silence.

And in that silence I started to have new thoughts and new insights.  In that silence there started the seeds of the big revelations that unfolded before me.

You see, the problem was that in doing this apology exercise, in taking all the blame upon mself, I felt even worse about myself.  

Not only was I an estranged parent, I was now totally stripped of all self-esteem and self-worth.  I was this total nobody.  A failure as a parent.  I had failed as a human being.  I was a failure.  I even failed to make an acceptable adequate apology!  I was a complete utter total failure. 

And in facing these feelings, totally devastated, I approached the darkest days of my life.

I did not care if I lived or died. In fact I almost died.  I was distracted with my sorrow and did not see an oncoming vehicle and I was hit.  I could have been killed!

And in that moment of walking away from that almost terminal accident I realized something vital, that I wanted to live! And I realized that in order to do that I had to reclaim my self-esteem.

I stated analyzing things differently.  I looked at my apology and realized that in taking all the blame I was absolving my estranging daughter of her guilt for the actions that she took.  In making her right, I was I was saying that her actions were acceptable and that I somehow deserved to be treated this way for my failures.

And then the thought exploded into my mind.  She is not right, her actions are not okay!   And I should not have to demean myself to win her approval.

No one has that right over me! 

No one has the right to force me to walk on bended knee in total humiliation to attempt to make someone else feel good and powerful.

No one has the right to destroy my self-respect so they can feel superior. 

No one has the right to demand my respect without giving me respect in return.  No one!  Not even my daughter.

It was then that I started taking back my human dignity and now I will let no one take that away from me. Never again! 

I am as worthy as my daughter is of being treated with respect and kindness and consideration.  I will not grovel and beg for what is my right as a human being. I will not take the role of second class citizen to make anyone else, even my daughter, feel superior.

That was the turning point in my life after estrangement.

Now, I will only own up to the mistakes I truly believe that I have made.   I know for example, I failed to teach enough about morality and socially acceptable constraints on self-aggrandizement.  I followed the advice of good old Dr. Spock to teach self-esteem but I forgot to balance that with teaching that it is also vital to appreciate the value of others and to respect their esteem. 

The reality is that because of my failure to teach this balance, my daughter learnt to feel that she is superior to others and deserves better treatment than others.  She feels she is better than me and that she is entitled to my groveling.  She feels that I ought to worship her regardless of how badly she treats me.

I do totally accept responsibility for this failure!  
Yes, I will even apologize for this!

However I do not apologize for her behaviour as a result of her grandiose beliefs in herself.   She is accountable for her behaviour and her own choices.  She has to be accountable for her bullying and manipulative tactics. She is responsible for the lies she has told about me behind my back.

Once I started to change my perspective on what I need to be apologetic for, I started to find peace.  

A deep inner peace that comes from knowing I did my best as a parent, with the information I had.  I was the best parent I knew how to be with the resources I had available. 
I may have made mistakes, but they were neither intentional nor were they made with malice or evil intent or forethought to cause harm!  They were simple human errors made by a human trying hard to do right.

I can no longer beleaguer myself into saying I need to do more.  I have done more and then more, and then some more, and then even some more; and that only got me disrespect, put downs, name calling, shunning and rejection.

Now I will respect myself first and foremost and my apologies will reflect this.  I will never ever again apologize for the sake of apologizing, nor will I take  the blame for things that I am not accountable for.

Now I reclaim my rights to be treated with respect.  I will no longer eat crow just for the sake of eating crow.

I am a good person.  I deserve to be treated well.  I deserve to be respected and I will not accept less than what I deserve.  And if the consequence of this is that I will not have my daughter in my life....so be it.

It is more important to have my self-respect than to have such a demanding and inconsiderate person in my life.  It is more important that I feel good about myself than to allow a demeaning person to continually tear me down.  No one has the right to take my dignity away from me. 

Sure it would be nice to have a relationship with my daughter.  However, I am no longer willing to do so at the expense of my self-esteem, my dignity, my self-worth.  

A relationship is built on equality.  I will not give respect to a person who disrespects me.  Respect must be a two way street or there is no relationship.  I will no longer allow myself to be dominated, browbeaten, subjugated or coerced.

After more than five years there is a whole lot of water under the bridge. There were a whole lot of missed opportunities to reply to apologies, to reconnect.  Opportunities my daughter did not grasp as she continued to punish with the emotional abuse of rejection and silent treatment.

One day, not too long ago, I decided to look up what jail sentences were for various crimes.  I discovered that "violent crimes" are the only ones with 5 or more years of incarceration!    So punishing a parent for the failure in parenting is equal to a violent crime!?   I don't think so!  And this does not even address the fact that criminals are given trials and defense lawyers.  

I don’t see my estranging daughter doing anything towards creating a solution.  What has been her contribution toward communication or resolution?  

She has demanded.  
She has tried to manipulate me with ultimatums.  
She has slandered my name and defamed my character. 

Where is her willingness to apologize for those actions?  Those actions were not based on anything that I did or did not do as a parent.  How does she justify those deeds? 

In the movie "The Big Easy", there is a scene where Anne Osborne turns to Remy and says, “Why don't you just face it, Remy? You're not one of the good guys anymore.”

And this is what I want to say to my daughter, “After the way you have treated me, face it, you’re not one of the good guys anymore”.

So now, as part of my healing journey, I post what I feel.  

I have nothing to hide! 

I will not be shamed into feeling guilt anymore. 

I will not take blame for things I did not do.

I did not do anything so horrific as to warrant this kind of treatment.   If you have a problem with me, face me and say to my face what is wrong.  Allow me to defend my honour! Don't go shaming me and vilifying me and trashing me behind my back!  That is not right.

I pronounce that I too have my rights!

I have the right to be treated fairly.

I have the right to a defense.

I have the right to be respected.

I do not deserve to be treated abusively, to be lied about, to be rejected, to be unheard. 

People can and do chose sides. Most have already done so based on hearing only one side of the story, hers.   They did not even feel I was important enough to be given an opportunity to voice my side of the story! 

I now know I have nothing that I can say that will change their minds any more than I can change the mind of my daughter into seeing that her course of actions were wrong.  Having lost it all, I have nothing left to lose. And in knowing that fact, I have gained great strength.  I have learnt that I can survive rejection and abandonment!

And since I have nothing left to lose, I find that I have lost the fear of loss as well!

This knowledge has given me the freedom and the strength to embrace the reality of my life as it is now. 

This understanding has liberated me.

I am free to voice my opinions. 
I am at liberty to express what I feel is my truth. 

This is healing, and that is the journey that I am on. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 - 01 - 14

Reclaiming Life After Being Estranged - A Healing Story Part 1

One of the problems with being estranged is that you no longer live in the present.

You live in the past; reviewing the events of the past, trying to figure out what went wrong, what you could have done better, what you would change if you had a change and endlessly in a loop you go over and over again the events in your life that lead up to being estranged.

Or when not living in the past, you live in the future imagining happy reunions, or wondering about how you will react when and should and if the estranging adult child choses to return. What would you say, how might you feel, what would you think, what would you ask of the estranger?

So our present moments often become filled with memories, regrets about the past, sorrow created by the past, emptiness because of what has been taken from us in the past, and worry about what could or might be in the future.  

We look back or we look forward instead of seeing the present moment.  

It took me a long time to understand this.  I would say, "but I feel sad in the present moment."  Right!?  Have you been in this place, where you are sad right now and you think you are in the present?  I have been studying mindfulness for a year now and finally it dawned on me what has evaded my understanding for so long.

I am not sad in the present moment…I am sad because I am looking back at what I have missed out on and what has happened to me to get to this present moment.  The present moment is not making me feel sad. 

In the present moment I may be sitting in a comfortable chair drinking a cup of coffee looking out the window at the scenery. 

Does noticing the comfortable chair make me feel sad?

Does drinking the good cup of coffee make me feel sad? 

Does looking at the scenery make me feel sad?

NO!   It is my memories of the past that make me feel sad.   It is my thoughts about what might have been or could have been that make me sad.  It is where I am in relationship to my thoughts that is making me sad.

This past summer I was on an adventure with my sister exploring the Grand River in Ontario.     We stopped for picture opportunities along the length of the river and I had an amazing revelation.  It came about in the form of a simple conversation we were having about taking pictures.  It was an innocent conversation about why we take pictures and what captures our interest.  How the conversation went I no longer remember but the statement that has stuck with me ever since was this “when I have my camera in my hand I am more mindful of this moment in time; of what I am seeing and experiencing, and I look with an eye of expecting to find something wonderful to capture with my photograph, my mind does not stray to think about other things, my mind is in the moment”

It is interesting how powerful that statement has been for me. It opened up for me the opportunity to reflect that when I have a camera in my hand I see more!   When I am looking at a scene with my artistic photographer’s eye I focus differently on the image, what I see becomes central to moment. 

Without the camera I just see the scene and the input is a vague “that’s nice”.  With the camera ready to be focused on an image I take longer to look and see details.  I experience the contrasts, what is behind the object and how will that look as a back drop to the image.

For example; without a camera I see a pretty flower, I may even recognize what it is.  I notice the colour and the shape.  The image enters my mind “that is pretty” and I smile and I move on.  With a camera I still see a pretty flower, but now I wonder how can I take a good picture of the flower?  Will those leaves make a good back drop or do I need to get down on the ground and shoot upwards to capture the sky in the back ground?   Will that concrete wall make a good back drop if I change the focal point so the flower is crisp and clear but the background becomes hazy?  Do I want to change lenses and get an extreme close up so that the stamen and pistols are the central attraction of the picture or do I want a longer lens to bring the whole flower into the picture?  Deliberating about taking a picture causes me to notice more, to be more completely in the moment.  In concentrating on capturing that image I experience more of that moment. 

Another example, when I am on a hike without a camera in hand I often find my mind wandering thinking about other “stuff”, those ruminating thoughts that wander here and there and all too often lead back to the past.  I then get to the end of the hike and realize that I hardly noticed the beauty of the changing scenery around me.  Yes I walked but I was not participating in the moment of the walk.

With my camera in hand I look at each tree and stump and clump of foliage for the hidden magic.  I see the small mushrooms growing in crevasses in the wood.  I notice the tiny wildflower, almost hidden by last year’s mulching leaves.  I see the twisted trunks that look like embracing couples or those roots that bend around a rock in precarious support.  I see more with a camera in my hand because I look for more.

I look back and I realize that “camera in my hand” has been a saving grace for me in the years after being estranged.  With camera in hand I focused on the present moment.  I look at my collection of photos and I remember where I was and what I was doing because through the lens of my camera I was present in that moment.  The days for which I have no "photographic memory" I know were days filled with looking at the past with regrets or worrying about the future.

This past year I have been focusing a lot of my research reading on the nature of healing from emotional wounds.  Something I came across over and over again was the notion of “mindfulness”.   Mindfulness has become something that I do for myself.  I started to start each day by reading a message that I had written to myself:

“My intention is to pay attention to each and every moment of my life, non-judgmentally. To be mindfully involved in purposeful action, focused attention, and grounded in the current experience. To be filled with a boundless sense of curiosity.”

This became one of the first healing tools that I incorporated into my healing journey.  I found simple strategies that worked for me to bring my mind to focus on the NOW, on the PRESENT MOMENT.  I started to live my life as if I had a camera in my hand!

I have been working hard at “RE” learning how to live mindfully.  This lesson has been challenging for me.  I have been working diligently on this for just over a year now.  I am getting better!  I am faster at ending the ruminations when they start.  I still start every day with a reminder to remain in the moment.  I still read my “start the day with Mindfulness pages”.   I still rely on my mindfulness exercises to bring me back to the moment.  But the successes are starting to show.  

I enjoy each day “as it is” more, because I spend less time in the imaginary time frame of “what might have been”.  Oh yes I still have my “moments” when I flash back.  Yes I still have moments when the past haunts me, but I am getting better at closing the door on the past and returning to the present.  

When you, my dear reader, are ready to follow in your own healing journey I wish you the joy of those small successes that bring you back to living your own life fully once again.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 – 01 – 01  

visit my Reflections Page

photo credits - as marked or unknown

My journal blog entries are copyright

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.

Reflection on the Pain of Estrangement and the Concept of Self Forgiveness

winter landscape along Toronto lakeshore

As I grieve for all that I have lost as a result of my adult child estranging herself from the family I realize that there are certain things that are harder to come to terms with than others. 

Accepting that she is an adult and free to choose her own path took some time but I came to terms with that and gave her “wings”.  I forgive her for the choices she made and I made peace with the reality of the situation. 

That was actually the easier part of the grief process, a process that has so far taken me on a five and a half year roller-coaster ride of emotions journey.

The harder part is learning to forgive myself. I still catch myself asking: “what did I do that was so very wrong”? 

I still go over and over the “mothering years” trying to figure out exactly where did I fail? Why did she grow up feeling that I did not do enough, give enough, make her feel secure enough?  What action or lack of action on my part left her feeling so vulnerable and hurt?  And as always every single time I evaluate myself I can’t find any definitive action that was so horrible as to deserve this.  

And yet I am still blaming myself. 

Here is the hurt that I am struggling with now:

What did I do wrong in the raising of my dearly loved child that she is as an adult capable of such cruelty? 

• Over and over again I ask myself what I did wrong to create such a person?
• What did I fail to teach her about the nature of love, and how love is unconditional and does not betray? 
• How did she learn that love is a weapon to be used to hurt family? 
• What act of mine left her feeling that it is acceptable to be so judgmental? 

I thought I showed her that love is about making sacrifices and about kindness and compassion for people’s failings.   Yet somehow she learned to be critical and controlling, to withhold love to get concessions. 

Where did she learn this kind of love?  It perplexes me.

As turbulent a relationship as I had with my mother I never ever estranged from her.  I never denied her opportunities to visit with her grand children.  I never forgot to include her in birthdays and holidays. Sure there were disagreements and there were challenges but I never gave up trying to do the right thing.  

Did my daughter interpret the struggles I had to have a mature relationship with my own mother that is it not worth the effort?  That she could not even be bothered  to   try to have a relationship with me? 

And yet here I am, I have succeeded in moving forward into a loving mature relationship with my mother, we both survived the growing pains of being our own individual selves and still have a good relationship.   Why did my daughter not learn from that example?  Why did she feel the need to give up and not try at all just because the path is difficult? 

These are the kinds of questions that still pester me. These are the thoughts that ruminate in my brain even when I am finding acceptance in other areas. 

I sit here and ponder: Am I still self-blaming even after all the effort I have put into learning to be kinder to myself, to show myself more compassion and understanding. Even as I work hard to be willing to forgiven her, I have still not been able to forgive myself for my "unknown" failings.

So as the days unfold toward the ending of this year, I find I am still in need of a shift in thoughts; to be more accepting of my humanity and my human errors.  I will continue to focus on the now and journey forward. As I set my intentions for the New Year they will be centered around healing this part of me that still continues to lay the blame on myself.

I know I will continue to feel the sorrow and despair of what is not.  But I am starting to realize it is unkind and unfair to myself to be the only one taking any blame or responsibility for what is essentially an unsuccessful relationship.

A successful relations requires that both people work equally hard at making it a success.  And therefore when a relationship is unsuccessful that also implies that BOTH parties have made mistakes and BOTH parties need to be accountable and BOTH parties need to accept responsibility and BOTH parties need to work on the solution.

This means that my daughter also needs to accept accountability and responsibility and share the blame for the choices that she has made. 

• So why am I the only one working on personal growth and change?
• And why am I the only one struggling and working on a path toward forgiving?

It was NOT ALL my fault. 

• As long as she is not suffering the burden of self-recrimination for her actions, why should I continue to punish myself?
• As long as she does not see the mistakes that she has made why should I continue to take all the blame?
• As long as she does not walk a path toward reconciliation and a better possible future why should I continue to be unforgiving about my shortcomings?

I am already being punished enough by not being allowed to see her and have a relationship with her and my grandson.  Do I really need to compound the punishment by flagellating myself?  I feel the answer is NO!  

And yet I know that this journey toward self-forgiveness will be a challenge.  So here are my intentions for the coming year:

• I will embrace what lessons I am in need of learning, even though I do not understand why.
• I will accept that this transformation is for my own better good in the long run. 
• I will accept that there is a lesson to be learnt here, that I would not be learning if all things had unfolded smoothly. 
• I will be kind and patient with myself as I learn what it is that I am meant to learn. 
• I will learn to forgive myself for not being perfect.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2014 - 12 - 23
updated 2015 - 09 - 17
addendum: Now, almost a year later, I find I blame myself less, though I still ask questions.  I still read volumes on character disturbances, how to recognize them for what they are.  I read because it is important to understand behaviours and that those behaviours are not about me, but rather about the person who acts that way.

I try to stay away from the self-harming questions like "what did I do to make her capable of acting this way?"  These questions really have no answer without dialogue, and in estrangement there is no dialogue.

I have come to believe that those who choose to estrange fear what they might learn in the process of communication.  They fear that they will have to compromise, that things are not all as black and white as they try to tell themselves that it is.

I have come to believe that the end to estrangement comes only when dialogue resumes without expectation of "winning" or "being right".  Dialogue begins when the "grudge" is allowed to fall by the way side and the "person" becomes more important than the "grievance"

I have been learning to be kind to myself, to forgive myself for my mistakes, and in the process I have accepted that I have to give her time to learn her own lessons in her own time. When she feels that she can face the facts that will be exposed by dialogue and communication, then maybe we can possibly resume a path toward reconciliation.

Until that time I will continue to work on being kinder and more forgiving of myself and my failings, more accepting of my human frailties.  I will honour that my mistakes have led me toward a path of becoming more compassionate, more understanding of myself as well as of others.
 

Follow my Reflections on Facebook

My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.

My Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.

Post Estrangement - Reflections on Responsibility; a Choice

Responsibility is a challenging concept.  

I am not talking about the everyday kind of responsibility like going to work to earn a living, cleaning the house, doing the yard work or providing a home for your family That kind of responsibility is the easy part.

I am talking about being responsible for the actions we take, the choices we make in the face of less than perfect circumstances.

Often I find people shirk responsibility.  So many times I hear phrases like:

 “it is not my fault because….” 

This is then followed by a litany of all kinds of excuses why they did or did not do something.

So many people blame their past, their parents, their circumstances etc. for anything that is wrong in their lives.  It is never about themselves and what they ought to be taking responsibility for. There is always an excuse why they can’t.

Similarly so many people do something bad to another person or speak badly about another person but they don’t OWN that they did something bad instead they say: 

“he deserved it because…”   or   “she made me do it because…”

There is a lot of blaming going on in society today. 

• “I am unhappy because my parents screwed me up.” 
• “I am dissatisfied because my boss is horrible”  
• “I can’t be a better person because of what happened to me in the past”.

All these excuses stack up to a lot of non-accountability or non-responsibility for actions taken. 

The irony is that we are responsible!  

Every action that we chose to take is our responsibility. 

Whether we treat others well or not is a choice and ultimately we make that choice. 

Whether we speak the truth or say what others want to hear is a choice. Sometimes speaking the truth has negative consequences!

When we listen to someone's story we can't help but hear the lies they are telling us to make themselves appear good but we can choose whether of not to believe the lies and how we act after hearing the lies is a choice.  This is why gossip is such an evil because if furthers the spreading of lies.  The choice is to gossip and further spread the lies or not.

Yes, things happen to us, good things and bad things.  However it is a choice how we decide to act after those events. 

We can chose to act negatively because we perceive we have been wrongfully treated.  

OR 

We can accept that we have been treated wrongfully and then go out and do good or right in spite of the wrong that we experienced.  

That is the kind of responsibility that I am thinking about!

This is taking responsibility for the choice of our actions. 

No blame placed upon the past actions of others or past events; just taking full responsibility for your own actions in response to your experiences.

• It takes great integrity to make the choice to act well in spite of bad experiences. 
• It is hard to hold back on vindictive actions in response to injustices. 
• It is challenging to see the error of other people’s ways and not blame them for your failings. 

Responsibility is not something that just happens; it is something you decide to own.  You can choose to be accountable or you can choose to excuse your behaviour

As you look to your future what path will you follow?  

Ultimately the choice is yours and ultimately you will be responsible for the choices that you make, regardless of which choice you choose.

I have created for myself a personalized prayer for accountability. I challenge myself to live by these rules. 

When it comes to the people in my life I now can clearly define people by the choices they make.  Their choices tell me what kind of people they are.  

If they blame me for their actions I can now see clearly that they are deflecting so they do not have to be accountable for their own actions.  

When they tell lies about me or gossip about me I know they are trying to excuse their actions which deep down they know are inexcusable.

When they are unwilling to forgive me, I know that deep down they feel that they are unforgivable.

This kind of knowledge is very powerful and now I find I have a great responsibility to choose with care how I choose to act with this knowing.

It is so easy to be angry and allow the hurt to cause me to respond with vengeance.  It is harder to see them with compassion, as people with a character defect, a mental illness or a personality problem and to offer them the open door of forgiveness.

I struggle with this daily.  I know the right path, I choose the right path, but it is not easy.   But then who ever said that choosing the right path would be easy.  That is the nature of responsibility.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2014 - 12 - 03 
updated and revised 2015 - 09 - 09 

follow my Reflections on Facebook




My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright
I love when you share my page to spread the word. 
If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 
My Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.

Post Estrangement: Reflection on the Expectations of Change

To change or not to change!   That is the question.

When is it beneficial to make changes in our lives and when do we need to say NO to change?

Often we find ourselves either in a situation where others are trying to coerce us into changing to please them or the opposite, we try to manipulate others into changing to please us.  Neither state is conducive to happiness.  When the impetus for change comes from the outside there is resistance and there is conflict and neither party ends up satisfied.

If we reflect for a moment, how it feels when we are pushed to make changes to accommodate someone else's needs we realize that it is an uncomfortable place to be.  

We may even want to please them because they are a loved one, however, when we are asked to sacrifice our essential belief in who we are, to please them, then we are faced with the difficult choice: 

"do I remain true to myself and risk upsetting 
them, or do I please them and betray myself?"   

What happens when we find ourselves put in a positions of being expected to change to make someone else happy?
This is something that parents that have been estranged by their adult offspring are familiar with.  Most of us have  been given some form of the ultimatum:

"you are faulty the way you are, 

you are not good enough as you are and you will be punished until you figure out what it is that is faulty and change yourself to suit my needs" 

Some estranged parents have even managed to hang onto a tentative relationship by "walking on eggshells" to preserve the peace of the family.  In the process of sublimating their own needs they become the willing doormat for those offspring who are now "in control".   They live in anguish that one wrong word or wrong action will be punished with more silent treatment. They betray their own needs for respect and love and acceptance just for a few moments of time with their offspring or their grandchild.

The end result is never good for anyone.  The "door mat" parent loses self-esteem and self-confidence and the "controlling" offspring never has to face their own inner daemons, to change to grow and learn because their wants and demands are always being met.

At some point in time we have to learn that as much as we dislike and are harmed by being put in the position of changing ourselves to oblige another, we must also appreciate that we must be aware of not putting that dilemma upon others.  This is the life lesson that many young adults have not yet learned.

What happens when we decide to put expectations of change on others?

• Firstly you are letting the person you are trying to change know that you think that they are unacceptable or unlovable the way they are. You are in essence saying that they must change before you will accept them.
• Secondly, you are placing your needs above theirs, in essence saying that you feel your needs for them to change are more worthy than their needs for them to be true to their own integrity.  You are creating a power struggle where none should exist.  

To expect the other person to change means you are really seeking the easy answer.  What you are thinking is that if they can be forced to see the light, my way of thinking, then harmony will result.  

'If they change, then their changing will make me happy' is the premise.   And 'if they change then I won’t have to do anything' because now I have been given happiness, / justice / acceptance or whatever it is I am seeking to gain from their change.

However, even should you get your way, you have not earned anything through your own actions, you have just demanded actions of others. In essence you have coerced another to change to please you.  You may have won the struggle but gained nothing of intrinsic value for your own change or growth.

Expecting or demanding others to change, is faulty thinking.  Their changing is only an illusion that you will now be content.   There will always be something else you want to change in others, another someone else to change to bring you contentment / happiness / peace etc.

You cannot get to a place of peace or contentment if you always rely on others to change to make you happy.  In fact you are setting yourself up for failure because almost no one is willing to change just to make you happy. 

The reason people change is because it makes them happy to do so.  They change because the reward is for themselves not because the reward is for you.

If your happiness is always dependent on getting other people to change, to be more accommodating to your needs and your feelings then you are not contributing toward your own happiness.  You are giving up your responsibility toward yourself and you will continue to feel justified in asking others to change for you, while at the same time doing nothing to change yourself to be more compassionate, more accepting, more forgiving, more tolerant etc.

Also you are setting yourself up for failure, because almost inevitably, most people will say, 

“NO, I will not change to please you.”  

When you are ask others to change and they refuse you are the one that suffers the disappointment and thus you remain in a state of unhappiness.  In essence you created your own unhappiness by creating circumstances where you are bound to be disappointed.

Only you changing your expectations and expanding your own personal growth challenges you and changes how you perceive your life and this in turn generates your control over your own happiness.

I challenge young adults everywhere to empower yourself by seeking to change the one person you have control over, yourself.

To change or not to change?

I believe the only changes you are entitled to make with a clear conscience are to yourself.

And now to bring this reflection full circle.

I was estranged when I stopped being the "door mat".   The day I said "NO" is the day the estrangement began.  I was being punished for saying "no you cannot treat me this way and yes I too have rights to be respected and appreciated for who I am and not for who you want me to be"

As much as being estranged has hurt me on many levels, it has also been a new beginning for me.  In the aftermath of being estranged I was forced down this path of getting to know my "true" self.  This time of self-discovery and learning that "I have value" has been an enlightening process.   Before the concept of "self"  and my intrinsic value as a person was a foreign concept to me.  I always felt that I had to "earn value" by being pleasing to others.

With this backward perception I was doomed to failure because I was never "good enough" to meet some of the ridiculous standards expected of me. I also have learned that this negative self-belief is a red flag for people with narcissistic tendencies.  They see the "doormat" as offering an invitation to be exploited. 

Once I realized I had to change, the first thing I changed was my thoughts.  I started with self-talk that stated; "I have value because I am human and I do things for others because I am kind and compassionate and considerate and not to earn that which I already have by right of being human."

This turn around in thought allowed me to free myself from the destructive thought of "what did I do wrong?" to the much more accurate "what is wrong with them that they do not appreciate my worth?"

So now I am prepared for those times when someone asks me to change to make life easier for them. I now know I have every right to remain true to who I am and say;"NO".

This does not mean I won't change and grow (for I expect to continue this healing and learning journey for the rest of days), rather, it simply means I won't change myself to facilitate another person being able to escape making the changes they need to make within themselves.  

When they are acting controlling and manipulative that is not my problem!  Rather it is their character flaw!  It is not my role to accommodate their character flaw, rather they need to learn that they have no right to bully me.  In saying "no" to being manipulated and coerced I am actually giving them a valuable opportunity for self-awareness and growth. Whether or not they see that as an opportunity is not my responsibility. Only they can make the choice to learn and grow from a stalemate, where they do not get "their way" at my expense.

Learning this has freed me from the no win situation of my wistfully thinking my estranging daughter will change before she is ready to change.

My letters of begging to be forgiven were in effect me asking her to change when she was not ready, willing or able to change.

I release that expectation.  I let go of the need for her to change to be happy within my own life.  If and when she should change, I will be here, a healthier happier stronger me because I have grown in awareness of my own needs, desires and wants.  I will be an equal and not a door mat. And that is a good thing. 

Renate Dundys Marrello  

2014 - 11 - 24 
updated and revised 2015 - 08 - 24 

Follow my Reflections on Facebook

Your comments and feedback are always welcome.

My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.

My Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.

Reflections on the "Master / Slave" Relationship with our children that our society has helped to create

I just read this post by a fellow estranged parent on a support group that I visit.  It spoke to me a truth that I have long been struggling with.  

I have struggled with the idea and hesitated about being so blunt...and yet as I read Nina Wornham's words I found my self saying  "that is exactly how I feel too".

so here I share with you her words.

I am sure that our problems with our adult children are because of the master and slave relationship we've been forced to adopt because of the child's rights movement and the subsequent theories by the 'experts'. 

I ask myself all the time 'will my Adult child ever come back'. 
But then I realise I'm asking myself the wrong question.

The question I should ask is.........do I want them back?

In my heart the answer would be no, not if the relationship was going to be on a master and slave basis again.

I can see from some of the other posts on groups I've seen recently (I don't look very often) that this is now where the stalemate is. 

'Accept our rules or stay alienated'. 

'You really aren't alone. My inbox is full with messages from many parents all with similar stories. 

These are good, decent, devoted parents who have made many sacrifices for their children only to find themselves now cut off and rejected.

I do believe that in some ways, those children who have been given so much love and devotion, have grown up to believe they're not only 'entitled' to have their demands met but that they're invulnerable too.

They haven't felt pain yet and so they don't feel or see the pain they're putting their parents through when they cut them off.

You didn't do anything wrong.

We were told how to be parents and we were faced with the wrath of the higher ups if we failed to treat our children as precious and valued individuals. The children themselves were made aware of their rights and how they were 'entitled' to have their rights met. They learned to have overly high expectations and they learned to manipulate too.

And so now we have a generation of ego charged, invulnerable, demanding young adults who find it easy to break their family ties if their ego's aren't satisfied or if we offend them in some way. This is a generational issue of the parents being subservient and the slave in the relationship while the child is the master.

This is the legacy of children's rights gone awry. The saddest thing is that at some point, these adult children will have no one to turn to when life teaches them that their ego and high expectations don't get them far in life. 

I think rather than try and change things in the short term, which is unlikely, the point needs to be made that this current situation is a very big failure created not by parents, but by society and those 'experts; who dictated at the time, how we should parent our children.'

Nina Wornham


Note: the hightlights for emphasis are mine...but the words are Nina's.   Thank you again Nina for your expressive post.
Renate Dundys Marrello

Follow my Reflections on Facebook

Reflections on Accepting Estrangement versus Understanding It

I read this quote recently and pondered, can there be recovery without understanding.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ― J.K. Rowling Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

As a parent that has been estranged, I constantly battle with the questions of how my children could have grown up to be the kind of adults that they are.

I thought I had taught them the values I have for communication, for resolving and working through issues.  

I thought I had shared with them my belief that it is important to be kind, to not ridicule others for their failings, to have empathy. 

I thought I had raised them to be compassionate and caring and forgiving people.

And I think I was successful.  

My son is a kind of person who reflects my values.  My younger daughter is reevaluating her concept of what family means.  And my other daughter treat others in her life with kindness and compassion.   So in that sense I did not fail to pass on my values.

I did not raise my children to be hard hearted people.

I did not teach them that shunning is an acceptable way to handle difficult relationships.

I did not teach them to be judgmental and critical and without compassion for the mistakes of others.

And yet this is exactly how my estranging daughter treats me.  Toward me she bears a grudge and her heart is hardened against me.   It is me she shuns and she truly believes she has chosen the best way to handle the situation.  It is me she is judging, and me she is critical of and it is my mistakes for which she finds no compassion. 

In the course of my healing journey, I may have come to the place of “accepting” that she is who she is.  I do not however accept that her actions are acceptable.  No matter how much I offer her the right to choose her actions, it does not make the choice of action (silent treatment) the correct action.  She has chosen this action as her preferred way of handling a disagreement.  She has chosen this way of treating me to try to coerce me into agreeing with her on an issue which I see quite differently.   I accept her right to choose, but I do not condone nor accept that she has made the right choice.  I see a very clear distinction between those two thoughts. I also doubt I will ever understand it; simply because it is in my nature to try to resolve issues not to run away from them.  I am also very patient in that I give time for people to work out their own feelings before working on conflict resolution. 

Another thing that I cannot understand is;  how she can live at peace with what she has done. Her actions destroyed not just our mother daughter relationship but the whole family. Also her actions are a complete contradiction to everything I believe in and everything I thought I had taught her.  That we communicate to work out differences, that we accept that it is not necessary to agree to get along etc.

I know I taught my children the golden rule “do onto others as you would have them do onto you”.  And I wonder is this how she wishes others to treat her?

I taught my children to speak kindly of others “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all”.   And yet she says horrible things about me behind my back.

I know I taught my children that love is unconditional and means accepting a person as they are.  And yet she feels she has the right to tell me how I need to change before she will find me acceptable.  (I am under no delusion whatsoever, the silent treatment is a tactic used to coerce the victim of the shunning to conform.  The silent treatment says in effect "until you conform to what I want you will be punished".) 

I also know I taught my children that you stand by your friends when they are in need or in trouble.  And yet she feels that rejecting me when I needed her help was acceptable. 

By her actions toward me, and the subsequent destruction of the family, she shows that she feels the rules do not apply to her relationship with me.

She somehow feels it is acceptable to be judgmental of my failings, and she feels she has the right to be critical and to withhold her time, to shun me, to prove her point.  She feels that it is acceptable to break up a family to show her disapproval.  There is no compassion in her heart towards me.  She has no empathy for how I am feeling. There is no forgiving and no acceptance and no unconditional love  in her vocabulary about our relationship. 

These are not the values that I taught.  These actions make her a virtual stranger to me.

So while I accept what she has chosen to do and while I accept her right to make her own choices, I have no understanding of how she could have made those choices, or how she can possibly feel that she has chosen correctly and how she can in good conscience live with those choices.

And yet she does! 

• She lives her life with her “new adopted family” and pretends we don’t exist. 
• She smiles and laughs and lives and celebrates as if her actions have no consequences.
• She turns a blind eye to the suffering she has caused to all the members of the family 
• And worse, she doesn't see her actions as inappropriate or extreme.

She baffles me. 

And so yes, I accept the situation I find myself in as a consequence of what she has done, not because I want to, but because I must in order to heal.   I face the reality of what is.

Facing it, always facing it.  That's the way to get through.  Face it. -- Joseph Conrad

However, I don’t think I will ever understand why she felt this was the right choice for her.  It is like my daughter has become a stranger that I no longer understand.  It is like she has taken on the values of the others that now influence her. 

So after much reflection and soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that it is possible to accept a situation even though there is no way to understand the choices made by another. 

When I choose to be very clear within myself about categorizing wrong behaviour as wrong; when I instead focus on accepting a situation I have now power to change; I can find a way towards healing and recovery.

There are other questions that I sometimes ponder:

• What other influences were in her life to teach her this type of behavior?
• When and where was she exposed to this estrangement concept?
• Who taught her this style of conflict resolution?
• Where is this type of action against family found to be acceptable?

However as more and more time passes I realize; not only do I have no answers but that answers no longer really matter. The answers to those questions are her burdens to bear at some future time.  We all sooner or later come face to face with past choices that we made.  

I truly believe that is the nature of Karma, when at some future time we have to face the consequences of our past choices.  My beloved daughter will some day have to face the choice she made to destroy her family.  That will be a difficult time for her and I feel compassion for what she will have to experience in that moment of confrontation with her past.                           

Renate Dundys Marrello
updated 2016 - 11 - 04 

Follow my Reflections on Facebook

My journal blog entries and pictures are copyright

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.

My Photoart may be ordered as signed art if you contact me.