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Today marks 45 years since I gave birth to my first born. It marks the day I became a mother.
It marks the moment of greatest hope that I could be adequate to the job of helping a new life reach maturity and become a kind and loving person.
Today I celebrate my motherhood. The hard work and effort I put into doing the very best that I could. There are some that will say I did not do good enough. All my life I have been plagued by people telling me the many ways I failed to be good enough.Today I fight back, it is not that I did not do good enough, it is that my best was not appreciated enough. It is easy to find fault in hindsight. It is easy to pick another person apart. What is hard is picking up the pieces and learning that one was actually perfectly adequate, even when no one else appreciated that fact.
When one is in the moment of making choices one makes the best choices one can with the tools at hand. If I had had better information maybe I could have done better. But the information I had was flawed, and the people I had around me were also flawed, which they demonstrated by undermining my confidence and my strengths.
I did not have people encouraging me or supporting me. I had people doubting me and second guessing me. Telling me what I was doing wrong, never celebrating what I was doing right. So always I had to make decisions based on what I was able to do within the confines of being told I was inadequate.
Is it any wonder that I look back and see my own shortcomings? I have been taught to look for shortcomings
in myself. All problems were related
back to my shortcomings. No one else
ever took any responsibility for their negative contributions. It was always heaped upon my shoulders. What is amazing is that I did not break under
all the weight of self-doubt others burdened me with!
The good news is that I am learning to see that those opinions
are what kept me trapped in feeling inadequate and not good enough. Those opinions are lies. I did a fantastic job under extremely difficult
circumstances and I did it without encouragement and without the support of a
pat on the back, without a word of praise, or way to go!
I never purported to be perfect. I am human and as a human I have made my share
of mistakes. However, I did a pretty
darn good job under the circumstances. And
I did it while I had an audience who constantly let me know that they thought I
would fail.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2022 - 03 - 06
P.S. Today also marks 13 years of being estranged by a daughter who told me over and over again how badly I failed to be the mother that she wanted. She focused on my failings, and totally overlooked my successes. (of which there were quite a few!) That is her prerogative and her choice and I am finally in a place of being able to accept that.
With joy I see her successes and I am thrilled that she is happy in her life. However, today, for the first time I can also say that she; in her choice of actions has failed to be the daughter I had hoped for. And that too is okay. It was not our destiny to be friends or friendly. I am sad, but I have also made peace with what was not meant to be.
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If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.
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