My Daily Reflections: The Insidiousness of Verbal Abuse

I have been pondering why verbal abuse is so insidious?

Why did I suffer from years and years of verbal abuse in so many of my relationships and do nothing about it?

Verbal abuse is so easily hidden. 

Verbal abuse is often hidden behind the veil of “I am telling you this for you own good”.  Or even “I only want the best for you that is why I have to tell you this.” It is hidden behind comments of comparison or “helpful critique”.  Some verbal abusers hide their digs inside jokes or in how they re-frame the stories they tell about you.  In short verbal abuse is often disguised to appear innocent.  However that does not alter the damage it does.

You have to know what to look for to even realize that it is happening.  

Abusers don’t want to be exposed so certainly they are not going to tell you what is happening.  They will even deny that they are doing anything, they will act all innocent, “who me?” or “I don’t do that!” 

Instead they will imply that you are too sensitive.  They will make their habit of verbal abuse be your fault!   They may even be unconscious that they are doing anything hurtful.  But even if they are good people with an underlying unaddressed issue, verbal abuse is very corrosive to any relationship, even the most loving.

Because of this you have to sort of figure it out all on your own and they will fight you every step of the way!  They use the tactic of verbal abuse to keep control in their lives and to do that they must keep you under their control. As long as you are controllable you are not a threat to them and their self-image, and they can get from you whatever it is they need.  All of their verbal abuse has one goal, to gain some sort of advantage for themselves.  They use their verbal abuse to keep you in “pleasing them mode”, to keep you feeding their egoic needs, to use you to make them feel good about themselves.

Verbal abuse tears you down, slowly and insidiously.  Sometimes it can take years and years before you hit the rock bottom of total devastation, feeling worthless and shamed to the point that you wonder if you really are this horrible person they say you are.

This means that most of this learning you have to begin during your healing journey and figure these things out while you are still hurt and confused.

And then you start to realize what has brought you to this low point and you can look back and see all those “moments” when you were verbally abused but did not recognize it.  Your “gut feelings” may have known that something was wrong…but verbal abusers make sure that you don’t trust your “gut feelings”, because responding to your gut feelings / your intuition would break the control cycle.

If you are a recovering “people pleaser” look back to see those moments of verbal abuse that kept you locked in that pattern of behaviour. 

#1.  Verbal abuse happens where no one can see:  Verbal abuse is something that abusers do in private, they make sure there is never a witness.  This is so that they can deny what they said, imply that you misunderstood them, and make you, the victim, appear crazy which is why it is then so easy for them to use your own sense of guilt in the shaming process.

#2.  Feeling unappreciated:  Verbal abusers never appreciate the actions of others.  There is always a judgement or a criticism or comparison. Whatever someone does it is never good enough.  They talk about others in front of you in the same way, pointing out their shortcomings.  Then when they point out your shortcomings you think it is just them being “honest”.  However this lack of appreciation over a long period of time leaves a sense of emptiness in the victim. It is that sense of perpetual emptiness that is a sign that you have been verbally abused.

#3. Name Calling: Verbal abusers use name calling to control others by making them feel inferior or shame. A shamed person will then blame themselves.  A shamed person looks for what is wrong with themselves and try to figure out what they need to do differently.  A shamed person remains confused because they can’t seem to figure out what exactly is wrong with them.  That is how the abuser gets to continue the abuse because they precipitate self-doubt in the victim.
The most insidious part is that the names don’t have to be that horrible.  Simply being called “selfish” for taking care of yourself is devastating! How about “you would look nicer if you changed this about your appearance” not quite calling you ugly but certainly implying it.  Not calling you fat directly but telling you that this “big article of clothing ought to fit you” combined with a “look” or condescending sneer and you have the equivalent of something just as bad as any of the horrible name calling words. How about when someone “takes over” and does things “for you” implying that you are too stupid to do them for yourself?  These are just some examples of different ways you can be called names without the verbal abuser actually even saying anything that appears to be so “bad”.  But your gut screams out in pain! 

#4. Mood killers: When someone feels good or is happy about something, abusers like to kill that joy.  They only feel powerful and in control when others are less happy than they are.  You have good news, they have better news.  You have a great vacation; they interrupt and tell you about their better vacation.  You are happy about an accomplishment; they give you the deadpan face and switch the conversation to something about themselves.   You share something you are proud of or did well, they will tell you about a friend who did it better.

#5. Attack other people’s interests:  Abusers denigrate and put down other people’s interests.  This is another way for them to remain in control by making the other person feel worthless.  They can do this with a simple look, a scowl, an eye roll or simply by changing the topic to something they are interested in. They can also do this by always having an example of someone who has more worthy interest, or by pointing out that someone else does it better, more proficiently, or gets paid for doing it etc. 

#6. Abusers are always right: Abusers never apologize or admit that they have done something bad. They believe they are superior and right and therefore you must be inferior and wrong.  When a wrong action of theirs is pointed out they act offended and go on the attack by putting you down or pointing out something they want you to feel ashamed about. If you insist on an apology they will avoid you or give you the silent treatment, they will play the victim and even try to make you feel that you are a bad person for wanting the respect of an apology. They will even try to make you feel that you are a bad person for holding them accountable for their words.

#7. Isolation:  People who have been abused seek isolation to remove themselves from and keep themselves safe from further abuse.  They feel unsafe, uncomfortable and anxious around people because verbal abuse leads to low self-esteem.  They fear the next attack of verbal abuse and start looking for it and expecting it so they can set up some sort of protective emotional armour before it occurs. They know it is coming they are just not sure when. 
And interestingly the verbal abusers will then try to make the victim feel shame or that there is something wrong with them for preferring alone time.  The verbal abuser will imply with their words that the victim’s desire to be alone means there is something wrong with them.

#8. Blamed:  Verbal abusers blame others for everything.  Nothing is ever their fault. Even the verbal abuse is not their fault because the victim made them do it.  The victim is told that if they were different then they would not need to be put in their place.   This leaves the abuse victim feeling even more blamed and shamed, unworthy, and not good enough.
The recovering verbal abuse victim will even be blamed for pointing out the abuse. 
They will be blamed for saying NO I will not allow myself to be treated this way anymore.
They will even be blamed for withdrawing from interactions with the verbal abuser.  

Recovery from verbal abuse is possible but first you have to learn to recognize it. 

Recognizing verbal abuse means that you can set firm boundaries in place and end interactions that are verbally abusive either by stating that a boundary has been crossed, learning comebacks that express that you caught the attempt and won’t tolerate it; or if the verbal  abuser refuses to accept the boundary, by ending that social engagement .

I am still a work in progress. 

I am learning to listen to my gut feelings and my emotional instincts which itself is a huge step forward.  I am learning what verbal abuse “feels like” by the creepy, crawly emotions that I feel and I respond by honouring those feelings with justified anger at being treated badly. And justified anger allows me to take the steps necessary to stand up for myself.  I am learning that I do not have to tolerate being treated with verbal abuse.  I can take actions to protect myself and remove myself for the source of abuse

I am under no illusion that the verbal abusers in my life will change their ways.  They have no reason to change because; see #6, they are always right.  I however do not have to tolerate their ways as I can end the conversation or walk away to take other measures to give myself the emotional safety that I deserve.

More importantly I am starting to learn what relationships feel like with people who don’t feel the need to use verbal abuse!  I am learning to recognize how wonderful I feel when I am not being attacked.  I am learning what non-violent communication feels like!

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 09 – 11  


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