Post Estrangement: Healing has Consequences

A friend sent me a quote recently asking me what it means to me when applied to my trauma and my own personal healing journey of recovering from the lingering effects of being abandoned. 

The quote: 

"Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. 

And once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, 

saying nothing, is compliance. 

There’s no innocence. 

Either way, you’re accountable."

As always I feel that quotes are a stepping stone, a start for exploring the deeper meaning behind the words.  Sometimes quotes make us jump to conclusions, often remaining superficial.  This one is a good quote in my opinion because it pushes and pushes back against the easy answers.

I want to thank my friend for challenging me with this opportunity to explore, what I have seen that can’t be unseen!

My journey of healing began after being estranged.  And naturally the first part of my journey was about grieving.  Being estranged was and is; first a journey of grief…but that is not where it should stop. 

There came a point in time when I recognized that I needed to climb out of the abyss of grieving and start climbing back toward living.  I needed to begin learning how to live through grief instead of letting grief become the central story of my life.   There came a point in my life where I wasn’t finding any solutions in grieving and I decided that for myself I needed to begin a journey of healing.

Healing meant educating myself and learning about behaviour patterns, things like narcissism, and other cluster B personality disorders.

Then I had to learn why I was so susceptible to these types of personalities; where I did I learn to be codependent and how did those patterns affect my life and my parenting style, which then further opened up my awareness that my pattern of behaviour being a co-dependent (as well as my lack of communication skills but that is another topic) set the scene for the types of personalities my children would develop.

What I then saw was that while I hated what my estranger did to me and to our family, I was also responsible because of what I did not know before (not that I blame myself for not knowing, but I am aware that my not knowing had an “effect” on our relationship style as well as the personality of my children.) My lack of knowledge affected the outcome, plain and simple.  What I had not been given the opportunity to learn changed my patterns of behaviour and those patterns of behaviour allowed things to happen without consequences and corrections that ought to have been taken place. 

I cannot unsee this.  I see deficient character traits in my estranging daughter and I can see why she developed them and why she was susceptible to the people she choose to believe and emulate and follow.

I also cannot go back to blaming her or hold a grudge against her. My knowledge increases my ability to be compassionate towards people for what they do not know.  In being able to forgive myself for what I did not know, I can forgive them for what they do not know. (I remind people who have not followed all of my writings, that in my mind forgiveness in no way condones behaviour, it simply accepts that people make mistakes based on their faulty knowledge, which then plays out in dysfunctional behaviour patterns.  Apology, remorse, atonement and other factors come into play for reconciliation which can only happen when both parties have gained new knowledge, better insight and better communication skills) 

For myself also I cannot go back to being quiet about what I have learned….it is part of who I am now.  My learning and my healing has changed me.  I am no longer codependent and can’t and won’t go back to that way of behaving.  

I can’t continue to be an enabler / compliant type of person.    
I am no longer an innocent believer in the general goodness of people, I see them for who they are based on how they behave and I recognize that their behavior is their character and that deficient character is learned and as something that is learned it is passed on generation to generation and as such family dysfunction is handed down generation to generation as each generation develops different means of dealing with that dysfunction based on what is the “norm” in that time period. 

I did not abandon my mom….because in my era that was simply not done, and we were raised to do what the social community said to do.  If I had grown up in a different time, I might have distanced myself from my mom for she was / is controlling, manipulative and very clearly has patterns of behaviours / mannerisms, ways of talking to me, that hurt me; hurt me as deeply as the narcissistic behaviours of my estranging daughter. 

I am no longer innocent. 

Innocence allowed me to be a door mat, made me an enabler of bad behaviour because I did not want to create drama or “rock the boat”, hurt someone's feelings etc.   I am now better able to call behaviour out for what it is.  I see words and actions now in the perspective of what they are attempting to control.  I analyze behaviours for the personality types. 

I am accountable for who I have become because of what I have learned.  I chose to take that journey to understand people and personality better and so how I see people now is my responsibility. 

However it is also my responsibility and my accountability to myself to adjust my responses in both word and action based on my new awareness.  This means I have to accept the consequences of my actions in a different way.  If I choose to confront a person who exhibits deficient character patterns, if I choose to call then out for their words or behaviors; I have to expect that they will react negatively and in a hostile manner  towards me. I am accountable for that change in my behaviour and thus accountable for the changes in my relationships as they move forward from each moment to each moment.

What I have seen and learned are now a part of who I am.  Learning and knowledge robs us of naivety and innocence for sure. 

Whether you are forced to learn as part of a healing journey or by other choice, innocence once lost, makes us accountable not only for what we know, but for how we use the knowledge that we now have.

My friend was happy with my thought process, and so I thought I would share it with others who also might be on a healing journey of self-discovery and who wonder maybe what the impacts might be on their lives as they learn and grow and transform and heal.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 01 – 12   

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