My daily reflections: Character is Revealed by Behaviour during the Difficult Times

Quote:  
“It is during the worst storms of your life that you will get to see the true colours of the people who say they care for you” ~ unknown

Sometimes I wonder what it says about those who abandon you when you need them most?

It is when you face this question that you realize that those who abandon have deep, deep issues and their lack of compassion is only a symptom of the things that are wrong with them and in their lives.

I was abandoned. 

Not only was I abandoned, I was called crazy and told that they wanted nothing to do with me until I got help and was better.  In other words, that while I was in mental distress I was a persona non grata.  They had no interest in standing by me while I healed.  After all that I had done for them; they could not stand by me while I was weak and needed help to survive the abuse being hurled at me. 

The abuse that was causing me to “act not like myself” was considered acceptable; while my reaction to the abuse was not!  

The message I received was that I did not have the right to defend myself.  By their non-support, I was being told that I should just accept the lies and the slander that was being told about me without reaction.  They even went so far as to tell me that my anger about how I was being treated was a sign that I was crazy and in need to mental health intervention!  

In their mind there was never a moment of doubt that the lies were truth and that I was the crazy one.  I ask you, is that how you treat a friend? 

• Do you turn on a friend and assume the lies being told are the truth without verification?
• Do you assume that a friend is at fault based on gossip without asking said friend for their side of the story?
• Do you side with those who tell the stories to condone their actions against the person you say is your friend without any desire to know more?
• Do you withhold support and love and respect and then turn around and say this shunning was done from a place of love? 
• Do you gang up on a loved one telling everyone that will listen that they are crazy, having a break down without making a single attempt to find out what they are feeling / thinking about how they have been treated?
• Do you attempt to isolate the person from all social connection by telling everyone who will listen that they need to also shun this person?

I ask you again, are these the actions of a friend?

I think most would agree that this is not how you treat a friend.  
Is this how you treat a family member? 
Is this type of behaviour right?

Yes it was during the worst days of my life that I learned to see the true colours of those I thought were family and friends.  And it was through healing myself; for the most part in isolation, that I learned that those who abandon have much deeper emotional issues than I. 

A huge difference in the outcome is that I have faced my own shortcomings, while they still hide from their short comings by blaming me, I am their scape goat.  I become the symbol of all they don’t want to face about themselves. 

In choosing to side with the oppressors and the bullies, they became just like them, just like to bullies and oppressors.  

In rejecting and shaming me they attempted to hide from themselves how their values are skewed toward dominance, control and power. By not standing by the underdog they proclaimed that they care more about their image than for what is right.  

I am told that everything happens for a reason.  Being attacked and slandered has led me to learn about those who thrive on attacking and bullying and controlling and manipulating others.  I have become much more people-wise because of what I have survived. 

Every day I strive to find compassion in my heart for those who abandoned me out of their own weakness of character that allowed them to be swayed by the glib words of a sociopathic liar.  I am not successful every day I try, but I repeat the exercise daily none the less. 

Every day I pray that they will wake up one day and see the light.  That they were party to the oppressor’s agenda and that their ignorance led them to make thoughtless and hurtful choices.

Every day I pray for my heart to be open to atonement when or if it comes.

And yet I still search for the answers to the unanswerable questions.

• What kind of person abandons a friend / a family member based on hearsay?
• What kind of person has so little faith in the fundamental goodness of a friend / family member that lies are so easily accepted as truth?  
• What kind of person allows a loved one to suffer alone in the aftermath of a bullies attack?
• What kind of a person does not stand by a loved one that is emotionally distraught and needs support and care? 

The only answer can be someone who carries within them deep issues, something very wrong with their own moral compass or their ability to treat others with compassion. Something is very wrong with their understanding of how one treats friends and family. 

Remember it is easy to do the right thing when the going is easy.  It is when the going is tough, when there are lies and attacks being made, that we are asked to make the tough calls.  It is how we stand up to the bullies in defense of our loved ones that we show our character, or our lack of character. 

Even if unknowingly we become the pawn of someone’s twisted end game, we are ultimately responsible for how we treat our loved ones. Being used is not an excuse for lack of moral fibre to do the right thing.

And so I come full circle, someone who lacks such moral fibre suffers from deep character issues and their lack of honour in doing the right thing is only a symptom of the things that are wrong within them and the things they have yet to face about themselves.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 08 – 16

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