My Daily Reflection: Resolving False Core Beliefs

False core beliefs cause turmoil in our lives.  The greatest problem in eradicating false core beliefs is discovering that we even have them.  I have been working on this in my healing journey for some time now and I am constantly surprised when a new false core belief crops up.

I have been working on an Oprah and Deepak 21 day meditation series called “desire and destiny” and unexpectedly came face to face with a false core belief that I was totally unaware I had!  I think I had warning signs, moments of discomfort but they were not enough for me to pinpoint the problem.

Then there was the exercise that asked the question; “what was the difference between a dream that came true easily and one that you struggled to make happen?” and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I have always struggled to make my dreams come true until recently.  

What changed?  

The trauma that I experienced is what changed.  

Before the trauma all of my dreams were altered or postponed or shrunk to accommodate other people in my life.  

In my younger days my parents influenced my dreams by often pointing out how unpractical they were.  

Later pressure from parents and in-laws to have a family put my dream for traveling in the trash.  Later still my children and their welfare meant putting aside my dreams to make sure theirs needs were met.  My dreams were always less important than other people's expectations of me!

Finally in my retirement years I resurrected my dream to travel.  I have been traveling quite frequently and for the first time I felt free, like something that had great meaning and value for me was becoming reality.  For the first time in my life I was dreaming and planning something that came from my heart of desires.  And the projects and plans came together effortlessly, and I experienced the joy of numerous adventures until…

That “until” almost destroyed my dream.  I was called selfish for going after my dream of travel.  This was done by someone very, very close and dear to me.  Someone I never expected to rob me of my dream! But she did, she called me selfish.  Told me I was a narcissist for traveling (my dream finally come true).  For a full year my love of travel was destroyed.  I started to question my right to fulfill my dream!  I postponed making any further plans to travel.  I made excuses not to travel and the short outings that I did take were filled with fear and anxiety.

Then I did this course and I had that “ahha” moment when I realized what my gut had been trying to tell me, my dream was almost lost because I lost my belief that I deserved to have a dream come true.

I allowed the words and actions of another person once again to influence me and reinforce my false core belief that I am unworthy of having my dreams come true.  I almost repeated the same action that I have repeat for my whole life; that of giving up my dreams because I had been taught that my dreams are secondary to everyone else’s dreams and everyone  else's happiness.

I wrote this statement in one of the answers to the questions in the course:  “I am grateful for the knowledge that I am allowed to be true to my dreams and my goals and that I don’t have to put them on hold to please others. It is neither my job nor my responsibility to make others feel good by giving up on my dreams.”

What a revelation!  All my life I have given up my dreams to allow others to feel good.  I never put my need to feel good first.  It has taken me to my 65^th year of living to finally figure out that it is neither my responsibility nor my job to sacrifice my dreams so others can feel good!

I learned that just because that false core belief made me sacrifice my own happiness so many times in the course of my life I do not have to continue to do so.  I am not the problem here!

The problem is the false core belief that was instilled in me and perpetuated in me by others who benefited from me giving up on my dreams. They used guilt and shaming and bullying and name calling and reminders of obligations and responsibility to get me to give up on my desires; to follow their vision of what they thought my life ought to be. 

They never thought to ask what I might want my life to be, because they assumed they knew better than I or they had something to gain by me fulfilling their dreams rather than my own.  Or maybe they just assumed that I had less right to happiness than they did and that if I fulfilled my dreams I might be happy or God forbid, happier than they are!!

I am going back to my travel and adventure dream projects with a lighter heart. 

I have exposed the false core belief! 

I DO deserve to go after my dreams and I DO deserve to make my dreams a reality and I DO deserve to be happy. 

And NO, it is neither my job nor my responsibility to give up on my happiness to ensure that they feel good.  If they love me, like the say they do, then their feeling good should come from seeing me happy and fulfilled!  If they say they love me but want me to give up on my dreams because it makes them feel bad, then they don’t really love me for me, they only love me for how I make them feel when I give in to their wishes and they are only happy when they see me sad or unfulfilled over giving up my dreams. 

That is not love; that is control and manipulation.  That is something the new healthier, self aware, self compassionate I, is no longer willing to tolerate.

Calling me selfish in an attempt to get me to give up on my dream is unkind, mean-spirited and yes selfish, because what it really demonstrates is that you are more interested in guilting me into making you feel good than in feeling happy for me for going after my dreams and feeling content and happy. You are being selfish when you claim that my happiness makes you feel bad. Insinuating that I need to be punished for going after my happiness is a very mean spirited thing to do to someone you claim to  love.

My new awareness of boundaries helps me to understand that this use of guilt (telling me I am  neglecting my duty and responsibility to them) is a deliberate attempt to overstep my boundaries and my right to feel good about myself. And my new awareness of boundaries has taught me that I too deserve to protect myself from the envy and jealousy of those who try to take away my happiness by invoking my well trained tendency to put others ahead of myself.

A well trained lifelong doormat responds quickly to implied wrongdoing and guilt is an easy target for emotional manipulate in a codependent personality.  

However the sleeper has awakened! 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 07 – 29



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