Friday, March 11, 2016

Post estrangement: facing my “Green Monsters”

Yes it is time I look self-pity, envy and jealousy in the eye and acknowledge that I am weak in those areas. 

I am not proud of this but it is a fact.  I spend a significant part of my thoughts on feeling sorry for myself.  The words in my thought speak go like this:  “I did not deserve this, why was this done to me?  This is not fair, how could they?  Woe is me.”  

Then another part of my time is spent being envious and jealous of others who have their grands in their lives.  When I see other grandparents enjoying time with their grandchildren the first thought that comes to my mind is “Why can’t I have that?  I want that!” 

I look at that side of me and realize it is the un-grown up part of me coming forward, the childish part that wants what it wants! I am humbled to realize that I have an unrealistic view of what my rights are.  My right as a human being is to accept that which had been given me. I cannot change what has happened, but I can learn from my emotional response that I am not yet the kind of person I would like to be.  I am selfish, filled with self-pity and jealousy and envy of others who have what I want.

I am not saying that what happened to me is right.  The right or wrong of it has nothing to do with my responses.  I am also not saying that the act of estranging is in any way acceptable, it is and remains an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict.

What I am saying is that my being jealous and envious of others who have a better fortune is wrong of me.  I resolve to try hard to be filled with joy for the happiness of others.

It is unacceptable for me to walk about in a state of self-pity, for that is counterproductive and gives in to the childishness of desiring gratification from outside myself to become content.

I will work hard to overcome my green monsters.  I will battle self-pity and envy.  I have much to be thankful for, I have been given many opportunities in life and still have new unexplored opportunities before me.  I will not give in when the green monster strikes! 

I pray:
  • Let my sorrow not turn into self-pity; rather let it lead me to greater compassion, understanding, kindness and empathy.
  • Let my pain not turn into envy of those who have that which I desire; rather let me rejoice in the goodness that is present in their lives, holding this up as a shining example of the goodness that is possible. 
  • Help me to grow to emotional maturity so that I don’t give into the forces of jealousy and coveting that which others enjoy.  Rather let me give thanks for the gifts in my life by showing appreciation and gratitude for what I do have. 

Renate Dundys Marrello
2016 – 03 – 11 

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  1. I'm making your prayer a part of my day until I realize real change in my soul. Thank you

  2. i would like 2 share ur wonderful poem 2 which i so relate my estranged sister has abandoned our father & me. we have done nothing 2 her. she takes many pills & says she knows she's wrong. wish some1 could explain that. hopefully, this is the link requested 4 sharing ur poem.

    1. I am so sad for the loss that you are experiencing through estrangement. Yes you are welcome to share my prayer with reference to this blog! :)
      thank you

  3. I can relate to all your feelings so well. We too are going through the same thing. It is gut wrenching and unimaginable of ever happening. A friend of mine sent me your blog. It's nice to know that we are not alone.
    Thank you for reaching out to others to get us through this awful time in our life.

  4. Thank you so much for this article! At a time when I needed it. I needed the slap across my face! Thanks again and God bless you.... <3