Wednesday, February 13, 2013

In Search of Mind Silence

When faced with the inevitable challenges and turmoil of life my brain turns into a constantly replaying movie where I relive events that have not been effectively resolved through other avenues.

In the absence of a satisfactory conclusion in real life, the film fragment replays over and over in a never ending cycle.  I find myself facing a real life version of the movie “Groundhog Day”.  My film is filled with sub texts of “what went wrong”, “why is this happening to me”, “what ifs” and “what might have beens”. 

Sometimes the volume is so loud it keeps me awake at night.  Sometimes the scenes are so vivid that they prevent me from fully participating in the present.   While I accept that this is my way of processing traumatic events and finding resolution, the day to day process is very tiring and emotionally draining.  Some days I just wish there were an “off” button.  Sometimes I yearn for “mind silence.”

Mind Silence; the absence of the inner voice criticizing everything I think or say or do! 

Mind Silence; the absence of that inner voice going over and over the conversations of the past trying to figure out where it all went so wrong.

Mind Silence; that moment where there are no recriminations, where for a moment I feel guilt free.

Mind Silence; is like an island of calmness in the midst of a turbulent sea.

Mind Silence; where everything is clear and pure and simple.

Mind Silence; where for a time I can be at peace.

Mind Silence; where the beauty of this moment is all that matters.  Just this moment in time, precious, unsullied by negative thoughts and emotions.

Mind Silence is freedom.  Freedom to just be and accept who I am without all the fine text of insecurities.

Mind Silence is happiness, because in the stillness my world view is optimistic and grateful.

Mind Silence is self-acceptance.  A moment when I am alright with who I am without the long list of things I need to be or do to be more acceptable. Letting go of the inner critic.

How I long for Mind Silence! 

Sometimes, I can create momentary silence by totally focusing on an object or concept or vision with gritty determination.  Shutting out all the nagging negative doubtful voices in my mind.  I cherish those moments like the precious jewels that they are.  I string those moments together into a patchwork of memories.  I write them into a new script, a story of joy and thankfulness.  And in the process I find healing for my wounded heart and aching spirit.

Mind Silence, is feeling okay about who I am and feeling comfortable with my place in life, a feeling of being in harmony with the universe.

Mind silence is accepting that I am worthy of love and that it is okay to love myself.

“love is the voice under all silences.”
-e.e. cummings

Mind silence is a new beginning.

Renate Dundys Marrello 
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