Post estrangement: “no more making myself smaller to fit in”

from she is fierce page 

After a life time of being what others needed me to be, I am finally starting to embrace the authentic me.

It saddens me that some of those closest to me, abandoned the authentic me because the "People Pleaser" me was the only version of me that made them feel good.

What surprises me is that while I am sad to see that response, I am finally no longer missing the unease they created in my life with their unreciprocated expectations.  What I feel instead is a sense of relief that they are gone.

Now, my only obligation is to discover more about the authentic me that has been suppressed for so long. 

Now when I express that real me in my relationships, I watch the response to learn who cares about this authentic me and who wants to change me to be more suitable or more amenable to their needs.

As this whole new way of relating has opened up for me I notice things about myself that I never pondered before. 

·        Sometimes this change is hard as old habits are difficult to break.  I notice where I resist change and where old practices and expectations feel "safer".  

·        Sometimes I notice the freedom that comes with being true to myself and that the disappointed responses of others is not about me, but about them not getting the control over me.  There is freedom in being responsible only for my response and not theirs.  It is liberating to give others the freedom to examine themselves should they choose to do so.

·        Sometimes the old fear of not being "good enough" resurfaces but I am able to redirect that thought to add "by whose standard?”  Then I ponder if I want to be subjected to their standard as opposed to my own.

·        Sometimes I fear the loneliness as I embrace the solitude of change while I slowly build my new tribe. 

·        Sometimes I am too much inside my own head as I try to sort out all the new emotions and feelings about this person I am becoming.  I am not always able to vocalize the transformation that is happening.

·        Sometimes I am surprised by those who support me and welcome the changes which they see as positive.  Their support and positivity keep me motivated.  I am thankful that not all of the people in my life were only there for my “usefulness” but because they saw my potential “becoming” even while appreciating my best qualities and attributes that makes me the kind, compassion and loving person that I fundamentally am.  

Renate Dundys Marrello

2022 – 04 – 24

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credit:  as marked or unknown