Post estrangement: “no more making myself smaller to fit in”

from she is fierce page 

After a life time of being what others needed me to be, I am finally starting to embrace the authentic me.

It saddens me that some of those closest to me, abandoned the authentic me because the "People Pleaser" me was the only version of me that made them feel good.

What surprises me is that while I am sad to see that response, I am finally no longer missing the unease they created in my life with their unreciprocated expectations.  What I feel instead is a sense of relief that they are gone.

Now, my only obligation is to discover more about the authentic me that has been suppressed for so long. 

Now when I express that real me in my relationships, I watch the response to learn who cares about this authentic me and who wants to change me to be more suitable or more amenable to their needs.

As this whole new way of relating has opened up for me I notice things about myself that I never pondered before. 

·        Sometimes this change is hard as old habits are difficult to break.  I notice where I resist change and where old practices and expectations feel "safer".  

·        Sometimes I notice the freedom that comes with being true to myself and that the disappointed responses of others is not about me, but about them not getting the control over me.  There is freedom in being responsible only for my response and not theirs.  It is liberating to give others the freedom to examine themselves should they choose to do so.

·        Sometimes the old fear of not being "good enough" resurfaces but I am able to redirect that thought to add "by whose standard?”  Then I ponder if I want to be subjected to their standard as opposed to my own.

·        Sometimes I fear the loneliness as I embrace the solitude of change while I slowly build my new tribe. 

·        Sometimes I am too much inside my own head as I try to sort out all the new emotions and feelings about this person I am becoming.  I am not always able to vocalize the transformation that is happening.

·        Sometimes I am surprised by those who support me and welcome the changes which they see as positive.  Their support and positivity keep me motivated.  I am thankful that not all of the people in my life were only there for my “usefulness” but because they saw my potential “becoming” even while appreciating my best qualities and attributes that makes me the kind, compassion and loving person that I fundamentally am.  

Renate Dundys Marrello

2022 – 04 – 24

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Today I am pondering kindness.

Today I am pondering kindness.  

And I am not the only one.  I listened to a person on youtube talking about the “nastiness” of some people.  This struck a chord in me!  Because I am kind, I tend to not call people out on their nastiness!  

More and more I am working on overcoming this shortcoming of mine.  I want to be seen as a nice and kind person and therefore I don’t speak up when someone is nasty.  I let them get away with their nastiness!  I am coming to realize that what I am in actual fact doing is condoning their nastiness. 

As long as they think they can get away with being nasty and unkind they will continue to do so.  As long as I allow myself to be walked all over, people will continue to walk all over me.

I have been working on my concept of what it means to be a kind person for some time now.  Being kind is only one part of the equation.  The other part of the equation is holding people accountable for their unkindness even when it means they will no longer “like” me.

When I operate from a place of “fear” of being abandoned I keep silent in the face of nastiness.  When I want to be liked and seen as kind at all costs….I do pay the price of suffering in silence, their unkindness! 

Kindness is a balancing act of giving kindness but also setting a boundary that I will not tolerate being treated nastily. 

I can be a kind person and still hold a boundary against those who would harm me with their nasty words or actions.  I don’t have to allow them to “get away” with treating me badly in order to see myself as a good person!  Not everyone deserves to be in my life and keeping people in my life at all costs has kept some very hurtful / harming people in my life far longer than they deserved.

The more I learn that I deserve to treat myself with kindness, the more I learn that I do not have to tolerate other people’s nastiness.  I have a right to have boundaries!  That is what it means to have kindness in balance.  Not only do I get to treat others with kindness, I get to respect my boundaries and only allow people into my life, who also treat me with kindness in return.  I don’t have to give space to the people who believe they have the right to be nasty and treat me badly.

Happiness is…. Kindness in balance

 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2022 – 04 – 24

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My Daily Reflections: Pondering the Concept of Guilt

Pondering this quote: 

          “People use guilt to try to shut down your authentic voice.” 
 

I see clearly now.
I know who created my guilt button   
I see when and by whom my guilt button was installed.
I see clearly how over and over again that button was activated.
First, a pattern was created, teaching me what I had to do to be acceptable, to be deserving of love.
Compliance was given a reward and noncompliance received the punishment of shunning.
 
Gradually over time, I learned that being a good person was dependent on pleasing others.  Being a good person became indistinguishable from pleasing others.  
 
Over time, people-pleasing became something that was expected of me. Because it became an expectation my actions became something taken for granted.   Because it became an expectation my good action needed no recognition nor appreciation.  Over time, my good actions no longer even received a thank you. 
 
Over time, my authentic voice, my authentic being, disappeared in the language of expectation.  Doing good things for others, making the lives of others better by overlooking their transgressions, was so natural for me that I harmed myself in an effort to be acceptable to others.  I allowed myself to be treated badly to avoid confronting rejection and loneliness.
Healing has taught me that doing good things because they are expected, gradually became not doing the right thing because it might offend.
My desire to be seen as a “good person”; evolved into me NOT doing the right thing to care for myself.   I had no conception that there were good things that I could do that were about taking care of myself.  Things like pointing out when others do something to hurt me.  In my effort to be perceived as a good person, I was willing to allow verbal and emotional abuse.
In my desire to be seen as a good person I got good at turning the other cheek and became good at suffering abuse in silence, I became good at not saying anything in order to keep the peace.
I ended up in this place where guilt kept me doing things for others even when I received no recognition for what I was doing for them because I had been trained to believe that not doing for others made me a bad person.   And guilt kept me silent when others trespassed against my well-being because I had come to believe that I was guilty of being a bad person when I spoke up for myself.
 
Healing has been slowly teaching me that I am a good person. 
I don’t have to be a people pleaser to be a good person.
I don’t have to accept in silence hurtful language from those trying to guilt me into ignoring their bad actions.
I have learned that sometimes the good thing to do is to uninstall the guilt button.  To learn that what I am feeling is not guilt but rather a sense of being manipulated.  What I am is not feeling guilt; but an outside expectation to meet the demands of another.  
 
This was for me a critical observation.  I am now starting to wonder; why did I learn to equate not doing what someone else wanted me to do with something to feel guilty over? When and why did I let my authenticity be replaced by what others wanted me to feel in relation to what they wanted from me? 
 
I am learning that being a good person is quite different from people-pleasing. 
 
I am learning that being a good person actually means that some people won’t like me.  Not because I am not a good person, but because I have now become an unmanipulable person.  I am learning that those who try to convince me / guilt trip me into believing that I am not a good person, have an ulterior motive, their motive is to gain something from me.
This thought is freeing.  But the healing is not yet done. 
 
Even though I know it is happening on one level, on another, I still feel guilt when I am being manipulated into “giving” their desired response.  I feel guilt when I am shunned for not giving their desired response.  
 
I can logic talk myself out of caving to the manipulative demands,  but in isolation,  I continue to battle the feelings of guilt.
 
Yes, my guilt button was well and truly installed.
 
Renate Dundys Marrello
2022 – 04 – 03 

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Daughter; I have moved on.

Daughter, I no longer cry.  I no longer mourn.  I have moved on.  
I have accepted that you don’t want me, like me, accept me, love me.  
I have accepted that what you do want to do is manipulate and control me, 
You want to tell me how I must be to earn your version of love.  

I have learned that love is not something we bargain for, 
Only people who are deeply self-centered and entitled feel that 
They have the right to manipulate others into patterns of being 
Expected ways of serving; to be deemed to be worthy of being given love.

I have learned that my boundaries, my saying no to your abuse
Made you angry because I was no longer controllable, 
I cut the puppet strings you wished me to dance to, no longer did 
Your bidding simply to feel some tiny reluctant scraps of love from you. 

Daughter I have moved on.  I have learned what it feels like to receive love
From those who give love freely, with no strings attached.  
I have learned what it feels like to be supported, honoured and accepted
Simply for being the kind and good hearted person I am. 

I have learned what it feels like be in relationship with people 
Who don’t feel the need to tell me what I ought to do to be “enough”
Who showed me what it feels like to not be shamed into giving,
And giving and then giving some more while I am bleeding on the floor.

I have had the support of therapists and healing groups
Who taught me that I am lovable simple for who I am.
That I don’t have to do more and more and then some more
To be deemed worthy of someone’s acceptance and love. 

Daughter, I have forgiven you, not because what you did was acceptable,
Your actions were and still are cruel and unkind and I did not deserve them.
I have let go of thoughts wishing you to receive your just karma. 
Your actions are a reflection of who you are not of who I was or am. 

I feel sorry for you and my compassionate heart feels for you
Sadly, it is you who continues to live with your hatred and the anger 
Which festers in your heart and these negative energies are tangled up
In your life, the weight in your unconscious is yours alone to carry.

Daughter, I live without regrets, as I know I always did my best.  
Not that I think I was perfect, but I was never cruel or intentionally unkind.
Your unkindness was intentional, purposeful, manipulative striving to feel your superiority
Someday you may regret what you threw away, but that will be your suffering.

My suffering and my grieving is done; I have moved on.  
My heart is filled with love, kindness, caring and compassion.  
My energies are light and positive.  I even radiate joyfulness and laughter.
I give and receive love in a new way now, one that is more fulfilling. 

But I have a final thankyou to give you, your actions opened up my eyes.
Your rejections sent me on a learning journey, a path of healing which
I did not even realize I needed!   I learned that I do not have to beg 
To be loved nor be a doormat to be accepted. Thank you for the awakening.

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2022 – 01 – 20

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Happiness is….finally being able to look back and say; “I did a good job!”

source unknown 

Today marks 45 years since I gave birth to my first born.  It marks the day I became a mother. 

It marks the moment of greatest hope that I could be adequate to the job of helping a new life reach maturity and become a kind and loving person.

Today I celebrate my motherhood.  The hard work and effort I put into doing the very best that I could.  There are some that will say I did not do good enough.  All my life I have been plagued by people telling me the many ways I failed to be good enough. 

Today I fight back, it is not that I did not do good enough, it is that my best was not appreciated enough.  It is easy to find fault in hindsight.  It is easy to pick another person apart.  What is hard is picking up the pieces and learning that one was actually perfectly adequate, even when no one else appreciated that fact.

When one is in the moment of making choices one makes the best choices one can with the tools at hand.  If I had had better information maybe I could have done better.  But the information I had was flawed, and the people I had around me were also flawed, which they demonstrated by undermining my confidence and my strengths.

I did not have people encouraging me or supporting me.  I had people doubting me and second guessing me.  Telling me what I was doing wrong, never celebrating what I was doing right.  So always I had to make decisions based on what I was able to do within the confines of being told I was inadequate. 

Is it any wonder that I look back and see my own shortcomings?  I have been taught to look for shortcomings in myself.  All problems were related back to my shortcomings.  No one else ever took any responsibility for their negative contributions.  It was always heaped upon my shoulders.  What is amazing is that I did not break under all the weight of self-doubt others burdened me with!

The good news is that I am learning to see that those opinions are what kept me trapped in feeling inadequate and not good enough.  Those opinions are lies.  I did a fantastic job under extremely difficult circumstances and I did it without encouragement and without the support of a pat on the back, without a word of praise, or way to go!   

I never purported to be perfect.   I am human and as a human I have made my share of mistakes.  However, I did a pretty darn good job under the circumstances.  And I did it while I had an audience who constantly let me know that they thought I would fail. 

 Happiness is….finally being able to look back and say;  “I did a good job!”   

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2022 - 03 - 06 

P.S.  Today also marks 13 years of being estranged by a daughter who told me over and over again how badly I failed to be the mother that she wanted.  She focused on my failings, and totally overlooked my successes. (of which there were quite a few!)  That is her prerogative and her choice and I am finally in a place of being able to accept that. 

With joy I see her successes and I am thrilled that she is happy in her life.  However, today, for the first time I can also say that she; in her choice of actions has failed to be the daughter I had hoped for.  And that too is okay.  It was not our destiny to be friends or friendly.  I am sad,  but I have also made peace with what was not meant to be. 

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