I think that I am
becoming more aware as well as clearer about the fact that there is a
difference between being compassionate for another person's position and what
they do because of that position and taking the next step which is saying just
because I have compassion I accept it.
Compassion is a
good trait; it allows me to wish healing for others, even those who harm me. However I do not have to use that feeling of
compassion to justify hurtful actions. While I can feel compassion for the
unresolved issues the person harming me may be experiencing, it remains
unacceptable that they do the harm to me.
Whereas compassion is a good way to feel towards those that have hurt
me, justifying their action is not alright, because justification devalues me
as the victim of their hurtful actions.
Compassion does not extend to excusing bad behaviour.
I can use all kinds
of words to "justify" actions, to make excuses for wrong doing. I can
take even take on responsibility for maybe not handling difficult situations
better. However, if I can take full responsibility for my own actions I also
have the right to expect the other person to take responsibility for their
actions.
I have to remember,
however, that justification poses the risk of going down a slippery slope. It
takes me to a place where I accept bad behaviour simply because I can find a
reason to justify it. If I were to justify a choice of bad behaviour based on
extenuating circumstances then there is the danger of going down the path that
I deserved wrongful actions of others, simply because I can give justifying
excuses. There is no justifying bad
behaviour.
If I have core
values, if I fundamentally believe in the basic concept that I am not to be
treated with disrespect, that I am not to be taunted with name calling or with
emotionally abusive actions or with manipulative controlling bullying
behaviour, then by extension I have the right to personal boundaries. I have the right to not accept or excuse bad
behaviour. I have the right to point out
behaviours that are inappropriate. Pointing
out behaviours that case me harm is not judgmental, it is simply stating a fact
that a certain behavious caused me hurt.
I am not asking the other person to change, I am simple acknowledging
that the action towards me was inappropriate and that I do not have to accept
such behaviour. I can choose to walk
away.
While I am prepared
to be compassionate I am not willing to justify other people’s inexcusable
actions.
While I can feel compassionate
for their circumstances I cannot use that compassion to exonerate their
actions. As much as being compassionate
is a positive virtue, and one I wish to cultivate, I will not do so at the
expense of self-compassion, which recognizes that I too have a fundamental
right to being treated well.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2016 – 08 – 15
photo credit - as marked or unknown
My journal blog entries are copyright.
I love when you share my page to spread the word.
If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.
If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page.
Just wanted to say Thank You ! You have expressed so beautifully, all that I was sorting through. Most helpful to see that I am not unique in my feelings and course of action.
ReplyDelete