Post Estrangement: Processing Acceptance

As always I find it fascinating how something we read can trigger something in the healing process.

Today I read this quote:

I am getting to a place where I more confidently believe in a certain degree of separation between me and what was done to me. 

Yes I continue to own everything that I might have done to contribute to or escalate the situation that is only logical because it does take two in any dispute.  However, I no longer accept blame.  That is a huge change in my personal healing. 

However, having said that, I also do believe that estranging adult offspring have problems in their own minds fueled by their opinions and their beliefs and their point of view and until they face those head on and work on healing themselves there really is not a possibility of a convergence of pathways.

So in the meantime, it is self-destructive for me to allow my estranging daughter's actions to be a statement about my value.  My value has nothing to do with any mistakes I may have made.  People make mistakes but the mistakes do not diminish their value!

When estranging adult offspring act badly that does not diminish their value either, it simply reflects that they are humans with problems and character defects that prevent them from acting in a more compassionate, re-conciliatory, honorable way.

Bottom line, why should I feel diminished as a person because my estranging daughter treats me badly as a result of the demons she is not facing?  She does not feel diminished, rather she feels justified.  To allow myself to be diminished gives her actions toward me power.  If I do not allow myself to be diminished by her actions I take my power back.

Healing is about taking power back in a situation which leaves us mostly feeling powerless.

Healing means I have to give my estranging daughter ownership of her problems and her choices just as I take ownership of my problems and my choices.

Neither one nor the other should feel diminished.

In estrangement, the person doing the estrangement attempts to diminish the other in a bid for power and control.  A bid for power comes from character disturbances characterized by manipulative behaviour. Gaining personal power by taking away someone else's is a sign of not only weakness, but a character flaw.  

I can accept a person's character as a reflection of their own inner demons.  I can even accept that they will act in accordance with those feelings that come from them allowing their inner demons to control their actions and behaviours.   However, I can also recognize and label those actions for what they are, an act of deliberate manipulative behaviour and an attempt to diminish me through emotional abuse. And I can also accept that when they act in such a way that allows those inner demons to reveal themselves they may or may not be in control. 

However, I do not have to accept that they have the "right" to attempt to diminish me to satisfy those inner demons.  Just because they have chosen to act in a certain way based on their inner demons does not make the action right. It also does not mean that I have to allow myself to suffer the emotional consequences of their actions against me.

Rather I also have the right to create boundaries against further hurt by choosing to not allow their actions to diminish me. When I stand up for my right to not be controlled and manipulated and harmed, I give them back ownership of their own demons, even if they don't realize that this is what I have done.

Separating myself from their actions in this way is healing for me.

Of course this whole story can and should change the day she takes ownership of her own demons and demonstrates her willingness to work toward her own healing without making me the scapegoat for her actions.  Healing a relationship begins when both parties have healed themselves, when there is no finger pointing or blaming, just accepting of unacceptable behaviour and devising a way to forgive and atone.

But since that is not happening today; today I have to care for my emotional well-being, which requires me to heal, to resolve my wounds to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem, to be the kind of person that knows the boundaries between being used, put down and manipulated or working on joint solution finding.  

I need to become the kind of person that clearly understands that acceptance of a situation does not mean that I have to diminish myself in the process. 

I deserve and I have the right, to reclaim my power to differentiate between acceptable  and unacceptable behaviour, regardless of the intent.

I have a right to expect correct behaviour as opposed to behaviour whose intent is to coerce through punishment. 

Renate Dundys Marrello
2016 – 04 – 07

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