Coming to terms with what forgiveness is and what it is not

Day 1 of my 40 day journey toward forgiveness

My intention for focusing on forgiveness has three different intentions.

First I intend to forgive myself for making mistakes.  To accept that I am human and to err is human. To accept that just because I have made a mistake does not make me a bad person.  To learn that making a mistake is not grounds for punishing myself.  Mistakes happen; we are to learn from our mistakes.  Mistakes make us humble and give us an opportunity to learn and grow. When we use our mistakes as a launching place we can become better people, more connected to the hearts and souls of others walking that pathway together. 

My second intention is to come to understand that there is a difference between apologizing to “keep the peace” and apologizing for an actual wrong doing.  In the past I have been too quick to apologize to keep the peace, to avoid confrontation.  I can no longer do this. This kind of apology is a lie and I am no longer willing to live this kind of lie to protect the feelings of others.

I am perfectly willing to atone for any wrongs I may have committed.  I welcome those who feel I have done them wrong to come forward and tell me exactly what it is that they feel I have done wrong.  Don’t sit back and expect me to guess what it is you are angry with me over.  Tell me to my face; walk with me down a path of forgiveness and atonement. And yes expect to hear my side of the story.  While I am willing to atone for mistakes I have made, I will not be the scape goat for your bad behaviour, and I will not apologize to save you from facing your own mistakes. 

Walk beside me as an equal; do not punish me from afar hiding behind a veil of insinuation.  If you can express to me what I have done wrong, you give me something to work with.  However, know this; I will no longer apologize blindly in the hopes of gaining your favour.  Do not hold my apology over my head as a way to get me to acquiesce to your needs and wants.  I no longer come with strings; I no longer will allow myself to be manipulated to gain your acceptance.

Apologies are not a way of gaining control.  If you seek to control me by my apology then we are not walking the path as equals but as master and slave.  My days of apologizing for the sake of apologizing are over.  I also will not apologize for my emotions or my feelings or my reactions caused by the way you treated me.  If you take offence with my reactions to your cruelty then possibly you were at fault for abusing me. I will not apologize for refusing to be your victim. Do not come to me expecting a willing victim. My groveling days are over.

Third and hardest part of my journey will be to find it within my heart to forgive everyone who asks me for forgiveness.  To allow those who have hurt me to come to me humbly asking for forgiveness and to be willing to give them the opportunity to atone is my intention.  I want to become willing to listen to a sincere apology.  I want to be able to forgive. I want to create the pathway to future hopes paved with good intentions for mutual reconciliation.  Only forgiveness that is walked together in a united pathway can lead to reconciliation. 

Forgiveness as a solitary exercise is about healing and moving on alone.
Forgiveness as a joint exercise is about reconciliation and new beginnings. 

Either way I will walk my path toward forgiveness.
The question is will you who accuse me walk beside me? 

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2016 – 03 – 12


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